On the road.... AGAIN

Well... really in the air.  I'm heading out for my annual international conference, starting again with a meeting in London and then heading to Oslo, Norway.   I had hoped to spend the weekend in Denmark with friends but the travel gods who control schedules are working against me.  Oh well... Denmark, Norway... either works for me.

Rebel Junior and Frenchy the exchange student will be at XSU's place.  I am told by Rebel that he doesn't even have any beds yet.  Should be fun for the girls.  And not my problem.

I have to say I am looking forward to the break.  This single parenting thing is exhausting.  I finally had it one evening and told RJ if she wanted to go out she'd have to get her dad to bring her home.  And he did.

Renos are going well.  I am more than half way done.  The before and after pictures will probably go on my new blog, once I get a minute to get that all organized. 

If I don't get a chance to post from Europe I'll be back on the 19th of September.

Spousal Ennuie no longer

And XSU left today mid afternoon after finishing up in the garage. He took apart his not so secret grow op box where he had a little nursery. He then proceeded to walk me through what he left behind and where it was. We got to a pile of door casings, cord around for baseboards and other trim from the stairs.

" If your guys are looking for the trim here it is all ready to go." And he proceeded to point out what was what. I was so ANGRY at this point. I had just done a look-see in Rebel's old room where he finished the baseboards and sure enough, little holes every 2 inches - bad matching of cuts and wrong colour of boards. The matching boards were actually left in the spare bedroom where he was sleeping. He didn't even know they were there.

As he finished explaining I couldn't help myself. "This should have been finished." I really wanted to HURT him. A LOT!

"I didn't have time," he whined.

BIG deeeeeeep breath.. "umm five years this stuff has sat here.. five years! WHAT have you done in five years?!"

I had to walk away in disgust.

At this point Rebel Junior asked me to take her to a friend's place so I told XSU he had to leave since I was going out.

"I need to use the phone because I don't have one hooked up yet. I haven't had time."

Why be bitchy particularly when your offspring is sitting right there. I guess he expected me to leave the room. AS IF. He took the phone to another room and I told RJ we'd leave once her dad was done.

I needed to make the point that he was now a visitor and had no right of access. RJ was a little frustrated with me because I wasn't hurrying hurrying on her behalf.

And then he left. In typical fashion without saying anything.

A Deal is a Deal is a Deal.

I arrived home after work yesterday and XSU was madly emptying the garage. He had the young one friend help him as well as a guy from work - also separated from his wife.

I had a momentary upset when I thought he might have taken the quilt wall hanging off the wall. His sister made it, but she did make it for me and I am happy it was still on the wall when I got home. Originally he was to take the couch and chair from the living room along with the coffee table and dining room table. He left the couch and chair behind - probably because Rebel's puppy chewed through a couple of the cushions. I told him that a deal was a deal he had to take them. He was going on and on about it being chewed but I said a deal is a deal. He had to take them.

He also left behind the dead deep freezer that we never used. This thing was old when he picked up from someone's house at least 12-15 years ago. He plugged it in and two days later it died. I wanted him to get rid of it and instead XSU filled it with stuff and used it as a storage trunk. Every now and again I told him it was time to get rid ofit and I'd start taking out all the crap. Like everything else around here, it never happened. So now he's all ticked because I want it out of the house. And of course he's so disorganized that the only thing he has on his mind is his trip to Nova Scotia. I told him as long as anything of his is in my house he has to pay me rent on the space. He is so pissed off. WhatEv!!

My family lawyer, the pretty suited one handling my real estate transaction threw me an interesting tidbit she said that she found him very uncommunicative in the simple dealing she had just handing over the cheque for the house. She also told me that his lawyer didn't have much nice to say about him either. Okay... that just made my day. It really did.

Another friend of mine said about XSU not telling his kids - turn around is fair play. AS the girls strap him into a wheel chair and bring him to an old folks facility - it will be a similar scenario... "oh dad... by the way... we're not taking you back to your house, from now on you'll be living here with the other geezers. " I had to laugh at that one.

Stealth Moves.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night .I left the bedroom and noticed every light was still on downstairs.I went down to turn them off and saw the doors were wide open too. I shook my head. I locked all the doors, turned all the lights out and thought XSU - you're an idiot. What are you doing? But this has been typical behavior. He hasn't done the "man of the house" duties for some time. As I rolled back into bed with the dog beside me thinking he was going out for a walk, the clock said 2:55 AM. I was just falling asleep and I heard the front door open - it would seem that XSU had been packing stuff or something into his station wagon. 3 AM and he is doing stealth packing.

This morning the phone rang at 7:15 -
"Is Mr XSU there please"
EFF this I think - " no he doesn't live here any longer sorry."
" OH! He gave this number and he forgot to sign something for the rental truck."

Oh great... so now I am going to have a truck in my yard and the father of my children has told them nothing. sigh.....

I tried playing a waiting game and got no where and left for work. I was on the road and realized I had forgotten my purse behind. Funny how the unconscious mind works. No purse no money no locker key no work id card - nothing. I turned around, drove home and lo and behold a big ass moving truck is parked across the street from my house. XSU saw me pull up and attempted to weasel away.

I stopped him - and blasted him in the middle of the street - low tones of course no banshee yelling. " What kind of insensitive, unemotional selfish bastard are you? You park a big ass moving truck in your yard and you don't even have the guts to tell your children you're breaking up their family?! You should be ashamed of yourself. Do NOT expect my help on this one. You're wearing this. What is your plan?"

He of course had none. He told me to go to work and he would "take care of it."

As it happened I had to pick up Rebel today so she could borrow my car for some running of errands. We are driving along and she received a text message from her sister " dad and mom are separating - dad bought a house and is moving today. no surprise eh? "

nice - well done you idiot RAMB - ratassmoronbastard!
really really nice.

I stopped the car called Rebel Junior - she "sounded fine" but who knows. Both girls as I figured - had found XSU's papers about the real estate transaction and the mediation docs he had left lying around and put 2 and 2 together- but didn't expect him to leave til before school started.

I asked Rebel how she was doing. We both had a little cry - me for them and their insensitive boor of a father - who was so much into his own agenda he didn't even what he was doing.

Whatever. Rebel is worried about me living alone in my house. I told her not to be - that I was starting to get things done and it would be a great place to be living. She still believes that Rebel Junior and her exchange student will be living with XSU. I find that rather hard to take, but we'll see.

Stay tuned. Shall see what else transpires during the day. I'll leave the tale of the dead deep freezer for another time.

ChequeMate.

I've been finishing up the real estate stuff for the house. Unlike in the US - nothing sits in escrow accounts. The deal is done the transaction gets cleared through the bank's mortgage centres and the money is put into my lawyer's account. She writes me a cheque and we're done. She asked me if I wanted XSU's cheque and I told her to call him and he could go downtown and pick up his own damn cheque. AS IF I should do that. Of course being my pretty suit - and long time acquaintance she laughed and agreed. The challenge will be for her to actually get XSU at the end of the telephone. She did email him, copied me and his shark, telling him all the above. His Shark also called the house and left a very cute coded voice mail message. I just deleted it as XSU has never been known to pick up voice mail.

XSU has moved nothing. He was been gathering bills and paid statements for utilities and leaving them for me to review I suspect. I believe he thinks this will entitle him to not pay me rent until he moves out. This is not likely to happen.

The next few days should prove interesting.

De-Nile is not a river in Egypt

XSU has managed to put all the baseboards in Rebel's old room and the cord around too. No doubt I'll have to plug the nail holes, sand and paint the trim becausethat won't be done before he is out. It is close to midnight as I write this and that man is on his hands and knees fixing the spots the Rebel's puppy chewed up, That damn dog took a fair sized chunk out of the stairs....and here it is midnight and he is scraping, sanding and doing who knows what.

He has known that he was leaving for months now, and he picks three days before he goes to start messing around.

And I continue to be astounded with XSU and his complete lack of sensitivity to the deed that has to be done - telling his daughters that he is moving out. We had the prime opportunity on Saturday afternoon and he stopped me Completely stopped me. This man is so far up the Denial River that he is barely afloat.

He called his sister and told her he bought a house. Trouble was he had never told her he was looking for a divorce so she got to ask a lot of questions. She was in the loop because I put her there, but she had some fun with him any way. I'd like to be a fly on the wall during the conversation with his mother.

In the meantime, I think I will have to take matters into my own hands and deal with the girls myself since XSU is avoiding dealing with the biggest decision he has ever made in his life.

SU goes shopping

The SU bought a house he informed me when I returned from my week at camp. " I did really well," he started to tell me," I looked on July 7th and the offer went through *yesterday.*" Yesterday would be July 12th. He takes possession - wait for it - July 28th. He proceeded to blah blah blah about his great purchase when I cut him off. " I really do not care about the details of your purchase." He looked rather stunned by that. I don't think he gets that I am not his friend. All I had to say was "This means you won't be out by July 15th does it?" "Well, I just signed the offer to purchase" he responded.

Given we had an agreement that says he was to be out by the 15th, he really didn't get it. He will continue to pay me while he lives in my house. And he doesn't get his money til a week before his close date. He'll only be about ten minutes up the road.

I was thinking he'd move into the neighhbourhoud where Rebel Junior goes to school, but he didn't, so there is no advantage to her living with him. And in fact bus service is worse and tougher where he is than where we are. This will be interesting.

I think that once I get my house in shape I'll have my real estate agent keep an eye out on possibilities for me and perhaps after she gets back from France next spring, I'll be closer to her friends than him. Shall see how this plays out.

Meanwhile, his suit managed to misplace the paperwork for the real estate transactions that my suit - not the barracuda, but the real estate and family lawyer I use- had sent over. Yet another stupid delay. Who is this amateur? I have been rolling my eyes for a couple of days now.

What part of "when the agreement is signed" don't you understand?

"Can we go today and switch the car registrations?"
"No, I am busy today."
Well, when are we going to get this done?"
"I believe we have an agreement waiting for your signature that provides an answer."
" Well, I could just go out there and put a For Sale sign on your sedan and you would be forced to drive the station wagon."
"Knock yourself out. Go right ahead. I suggest you read the agreement that you brought us to before you do that. Or better ask your lawyer what he thinks of that idea. Oh and....
"Did I mention I could then turn around and change the locks on the doors, sell your tools and be done with it as well."

I love a great Saturday morning disussion.

Flummoxing Routine.

Yes it has been a few days. I've been seriously overworked at work - a ton to do - not enough time to do it. When I get home around 7 ish... I am positively wiped out. Of course, the SU is around but we're not a team so I don't have a supper waiting for me. My girls apparently don't eat or SU doesn't try to make meals for them, so I grab a bite of whatever is around, talk to Rebel Junior if she's locked onto the computer and try and get a few words out of her.

Rebel went and got herself a second dog. Or the BF did. He snuck it into the house. It's a teeny tiny 6 week old puppy- half dachshund half jack russell. The older dog- all 7 pounds of flufffy insecurity on a good day is flummoxed. (If a dog can be flummoxed) He's totally afraid of this puppy, has no interest in playing with said puppy - has nipped at him more than once and usually runs away and tries to get away from said puppy. It hasn't been pretty.

I tore a strip off the BF and then did something somewhat gentler with the Rebel. I mean seriously - we have this one skittish dog who was insecure for most of his life and they thought a friend would help him. The 7 pound wonder doesn't know how to be an alpha and now puppy is making him very unhappy.

A friend is in from out of town for a day long seminar tomorrow. We found out we were both going to same seminar. So it looks like I may join her at Camp Westin for a PJ party downtown tonight, and we can get to the seminar together in the morning. That should prove to be a lot of fun. Said friend is Rebel's godmother and we've been friends for over 20 years now. Nothing like Camp Westin to break up the routine!

Valentine's Smoochie

Happy Tree Friends - Valentine's Smoochie

Our sweet Valentine's Day Smoochie featuring Giggles!

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Infamous Words.

My weekends really need to be more productive. I don't do a whole lot. I don't seem to have much energy to get anything done. My bedroom is the catch all where I keep everything these days and it's starting to wear me down but not enough to do something about it. I keep the main floor of the house tidied up - but just can't seem to make the effort to do something about the rest of the house. That is the part that no one sees.

Not sure if it's just the winter blahs, the separation, both or something else. I know I would be much happier if I got that space uncluttered but I am not there yet. sigh.

I also note that Rebel is getting back into feistiness that pre dates her illness. She was using some strong vulgar language in my presence which I tagged her for. We got into it about how she wanted to speak her way and she didn't need to impress anyone. I told her that it was about respect for me and my unwillingness to put up with vulgar trashy language in my own home. I don't know if she really didn't get what I was saying or if she doesn't care.

Rebel Junior is picking up right after the eldest and neither of them would see my point of view. I finally cut off the conversation with the infamous words of parents everywhere - totally lacking in creativity: "my house - my rules - I deserve respect and your nasty vocabulary is disrespectful. Feel free to go elsewhere and let others put up with your trashy language. I won't have it. " Of course SU stayed out of the mix - as he always does.

Oddly enough Rebel had earlier in the day told me how the BF's 7 yr old son was giving her a hard time with his language and she wasn't having any of it. She insisted that dad take care of it - because he had to learn respect. Of course I mentioned this and was told - completely different situation. When she is finally a parent - it's gonna be great to observe. God willing I live that long to see it. That's the ultimate payback I believe.

I may be sending Rebel into the arms of the BF and the two of them co-habiting (roll eyes) and perhaps sending Rebel Junior off to live with dad with my insistence on a certain level of behavior but so be it. I do NOT need to settle for anything other than young women who know how to respect their mother. These things have been so much much tougher to teach and instill when their father is silent on the important stuff.

Thursday Thirteen.

13 ways to say SEPARATION

1. parting of the ways
2. departure
3. division
4. divorce
5. disunion
6. divorce or divorcement
7. dedomiciling (you're kidding, right?!) It's in the thesaurus - it's gotta be real.

HEY! aren't there any synonyms that don't start with di or du?
why sure thing ... here we go!

8. estrangement
9. rupture
10.split
11.leave-taking
12.farewell

and....

my personal favourite....

13. pffft!

Dealing.

I've been dealing with the mortgage broker and no surprise to me my credit rating is down somewhat because of one credit card that is a tad over spent and under paid. yeah yeah Yeah... I know. I am quite near to getting that looked after and luckily the mortgage broker has known me since we first bought our house. This guy is great. I do have a meeting with the current bank that holds my mortgage but I am not at all loyal. No point. I've yet to meet a bank that has shown me any loyalty so I will go where ever I get the best deal for the mortgage for my house.

I am running crazy at work these days too since I am short staffed and doing two jobs. It's keeping me busy. What do I do first? The front line staff, the staffing or the budget - time to talk to the guy who sets the priorities. Let him tell me since he gets paid the big bucks.

I've had a number of people ask me what my plan is for post separation. AS IF I've had to consider a plan. I believe the real question is... "so you gonna start dating?"
Along with that are the people sending me the "so now that you're separated/divorced/alone/starting a new life" type of books and articles. Well meaning I am sure. Perhaps I'll highlight a few of those as we go along.

SU has been most polite and helpful lately. Not sure why and I've decided NOT to speculate or wonder. A day at a time and just keep moving forward. As it is the mediator has informed us that she is out of the country as of Feb 16 and won't prepare the final draft of the agreement until after she returns Feb 23rd. WhatEv. I have to snicker a little - SU isn't out of the house, but it sure give him plenty of time to find what he needs. And that much closer to the end of snow shoveling season too.

Writing a Cheque isn't a Green Light.

I was out of town over the weekend and Rebel Junior was home most of the weekend with a 10 page booklet to complete as part of her request to be an exchange student in France for 3 months next year.
The questions are a bit troublesome for now given we haven't dealt with the final details of the separation and also... RJ's attitude and things that need to be improved any way.

Things like - tell us about your routine at home;

• Chores you're expected to do, responsibilities around home.
• What does your family do together?
• What are some of the activities you'd like to plan with your student during the exchange visit.
• Send photos of where your exchange student will be living.
• How do you get to school?
• What do you do when you're not in school?

LOTS of that kind of detail because they want good matches for the kids to ensure everyone has a great time AND gets along really well.

There are a number of issues around the RJ herself that need attending to, never mind the stuff around where the kid will sleep. I've told SU that her going to France is NOT a done deal in my book. She does have this sense of entitlement that I do not like and have had trouble countering for some time. She NEVER does any chore and lacks responsibility with regards to everything. It doesn't make me happy. And I don't particularly want to bring a strange kid into this kind of environment. It would be so wrong and unfair.

On the other hand this is a really great, relatively affordable way to spend time in another country. I never would have thought that RJ would be the one to want to do this kind of thing. It would be good for her.

She does seem to believe though that if her father signs the cheques she's good to go. I've told her and him that ain't the way it's going to work. I expect and need an attitude shift and a change in how things work before I have a student living with me and before I send her to live elsewhere too. I have no problem putting the breaks on this if I don't see a child who is a little more grateful and a little less hateful. She needs to make changes and her father needs to know that writing a cheque isn't a green light.

Yet one more thing to deal with on the separation road.

Sorting Out the Obvious.

I have reviewed the separation agreement and found a few errors - slight mistakes - and I expect this to be fixed quite easily. It shouldn't take long now - except this week - my week at work is hellish and I am heading out of town on professional association meetings starting Friday - so I don't really have a lot of time to spend on the phone with the mediator. I'm looking forward to the weekend away to the big city! I have chatted with friends and colleagues so between meetings - there will be some R&R.

Rebel was to have a biopsy this last week, but her cardiologist was sick and then on the re-scheduled date Rebel had a bad head ache. These things all had to be re scheduled again. I know this separation stuff has to get done but I am so busy with trying to keep other things together that SU and his need for things to get done just send me screaming from the room.

RebelJunior had her annual medical check up months ago now, and SU was supposed to have arranged for RJ's gardasil shots. It's three shots a month apart. We had to buy the vaccine and get reimbursed by our plans. The vaccine is still in the fridge. It's a simple thing. The doc is nearer to the high school than to me so it makes sense for SU to take her. Three quick trips. Not done yet. I purposely told him it was on him - apparently he can't cope. I knew this would be the case, so I will get this sorted out this week as well.

On the other hand, we're so close to finishing all this separation crap that I am at the point where I want it done. I have an eco audit planned for the house. There are both federal and provincial cash incentives to get energy audits done - I can find the drafts without someone telling me they're there it's so obvious. When you bring in the pros - they note all the improvements you can make and it is usually a given that there will be money back. In the long run it's worth it as it will save on heating and cooling bills. And maybe with foam insulation added in and some other things, the mice might not be back next year.... or I'll have to sell the house! I figure I'll take a day off and get it done during the week while SU is at work. A vacation day sounds like a good idea any time.

The last three Saturdays SU has disappeared first thing in the morning and not returned til late in the day. It's rather rude actually. I figured he was off at someone's house doing carpentry work and I was right. However, the man doesn't own a cell phone and anything can happen. In fact his father did call and all I could say was I have no idea. I'm sorry I don't know. What EvEr. Interestingly, I don't think he gets he still has to stay on contact with me even after we separate. Probably more than he does now.

Disassociating Himself.

For some reason New Year's Eve 1999 is sticking in my head these days. I think I know why, but what the heck. Remember 1999? Millennium madness. The talk was all about where the big parties were going to be, how the turn of the century parties were going to be memorable. A bunch of us moms at Ukrainian camp had been discussing it and we were wanting the turn of the century to be memorable for our kids rather than for ourselves. Because really, it's our kids talking to their grandchildren who will best be able to relate what it was like at the millennium. We decided to host a big dress up family party at out church. We had pot luck appetizers, one guy had a whole DJ outfit glitter ball included, he took lots of music requests ahead of time. We decorated the hall and had a nice sized group to ring in the New Year. We even made a little photo stage area with a 2000 date on it for family pictures.

My girls were beside themselves. Rebel was 12 years old and Rebel Junior was 7 years old. We went shopping for party dresses. Rebel picked out a long ball gown type skirt. She loved that skirt. I had my hair done - the manicure the whole thing. We were really looking forward to a great party.

The entire time, SU didn't get involved really. It would be nearly a year before the SU dropped the bomb so I figured it was marriage as usual. But upon looking back now he was just going through the motions. He didn't volunteer to help, or really participate much. His daughters wanted to dance with him - and he tried to say no! I look at this now in hindsight and smack myself on the forehead knowingly, but at the time... I just thought he was behaving oddly. I have the pictures in my head still from that evening. He finally did dance with both girls - but only after another dad said to him, "go dance with your girls, because there will come a time where they'll want to dance with anyone but dad!" The smiles, the joy, we were having a good time.

And then it was midnight. I looked around me as all the husbands kissing their wives, their kids, and wondered what was wrong. I couldn't place it. I can still see all the kids going around kissing and hugging each other. They truly did have a wonderful time. The kiss I got on the biggest night of all of our lives was disappointing. It wasn't the kiss of a man with his family who loved his wife or even cared. The intimate moment was missing. And it has been ever since. At the time of course, I didn't realize it. The girls still talk about that party. As do all the kids who were there. I smile when I look back and I have a couple of pictures. Even in the pictures I can see SU disassociate himself. His loss. I really get that.

Wordless Wednesday.

{click it}

I Guess We'll Get On With It.

I had an email from the mediator asking if I was back from my business trip and was I ready to start the mediation process. I replied, yes I am back from the trip and is in any one really '"ready" for the process? However since I have no choice, I guess we'll get on with it. Believe me, there will be a blow by blow account as we get going. Given that when she first contacted me she was booking two months out, I don't expect much to happen til November. I'll continue to read until then and get a handle on what I want and the strategies I may need to get there.
of course the Barracuda told me to come in for coaching before hand.

I am still more than mildly irked that the SU wouldn't go for the mediator I had chosen, and I expect he didn't even do his homework to find out about the guy. I am mostly past that irkiness but find it annoying.

I am still a tad jet lagged and need energy to do some severe tidying up around the house this weekend. My own room looks like a tornado blew through it. I have a ton of papers in there that need to be managed or pitched STILL! Plus some general cleaning. BoRING!

Rebel is back at school and has found herself a part time job. Her cardiologist says it's okay as long as it doesn't stress her or cause her worry. She's had some issues with the girls who have claimed to be her friends. She has pretty much written off most them. Their lack of maturity is stunning. There were several things that happened that hurt the Rebel and she is pretty tired of drama and games that are usually the realm of 13 year olds and not 20 and 21 yr old girls. As much as it does leave Rebel without a lot of friends, she is moving forward. She changed her cell phone number, de-activated her facebook page, and pretty much shut them all down. I feel sad for her on the one hand and am so surprised by how much she has changed and developed through this ordeal on the other.

The weekend has arrived.
No doubt there is a bar open somewhere!

Wordless {not quite}Thirteen.

A Lot of General Information.

Here are a couple of good sites. These are American. I'll do my Canadianization soon enough. I like these sites because they have a lot of general information that is critical and good for starting out if you're thinking about, or going through the separation or divorce process.

Womans Divorce - a thorough smattering of most EVERYTHING you might need to know about separation, divorce, trying to get back together, your emotions, finances, THE WORKS. Great place to start - whether you're in the US or Canada.
Womans Divorce

Divorce the Jerk. Pretty self explanatory - it's a commercial for a book but for those who are dealing with jerks the owner of the site and author of the companion book has done a ton of work to help those women who are dealing with jerks, chicken shits and RAMBS! Chrstine Rowe has done a great job. Not sure I'd want to spend the $50 or so for her book. I'm investigating whether or not libraries have it and whether you can get it in hard rather than soft copy. If you read it. Let me know.
Divorce the Jerk

The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide Similar to the first one. LOTS and LOTS of great information and helpful if you're overwhelmed and don't know where to start.
Modern Womans Divorce Guide

The Sassy Pink Peppers. For those women who are on the road to recovery from divorce and separation. This is a "club" that does require a $25 annual fee. I like this group though because they make it VERY clear - it's NOT about man bashing, or husband hating - it's about women moving on and forward and learning how to be happy and comfortable with who they are and having some support getting there. I haven't paid the fee, but I am considering it because I like the idea of traveling with a bunch of girls and having a great time. Just one of their many offerings. More about this bunch when I finally get around to shelling out the money to join.
Sassy Pink Peppers

Know a great site? Let me know and I'll get it up here.
yeah... I'm talkin as if there really are people out there who might actually read this blog! LOL Hey! maybe all those runners know people who might be interested.