The roller coaster we are on...

I went with the Rebel's BF to visit Saturday. After reporting to the volunteer desk we were told we had to wait because there were doctors having a conference in her room. This is not usually a good thing because it means *something* is going on. Sure enough, Rebel had an infection that was causing her heart rate to go up. This is one of the common things that can happen given all the intravenous sites she has as well as the connection to the LVAD ( left ventricular assist device)

So she was being given doses of antibiotic - they knew what the infection was and how to treat it. And then once again, a 2:30 AM phone call telling us they believed she was bleeding and they had to take her into the operating room to get that under control. The LVAD specialist was called in for that. We got the all clear at around 6-ish this morning. Her heart rate is still a little elevated but it's being monitored. They are experts and know what to do and how to anticipate each hurdle as it comes along. So we take the good days and know that this is something she has to get over.

I went to see Rebel after church this morning, and found her quite agitated. Apparently she was wide enough awake to want to be pulling the tubes out of her mouth and throat. And really, who can blame her. If you know Rebel you probably know what she had to say about being uncomfortable with these things. However, pulling out tubes in a semi stoned- tripping-on-the-clouds state isn't a good thing and her nurse had to restrain her hand. Not an uncommon thing to happen she told me. And we both just kept repeating to her that they were there to help her and she had to let them be for a while longer. Our impatient Rebel heard us. The nurses tell me she won't remember any of these episodes once she is fully conscious again. This is good.

One of our pastors from church came to see her again. I may only be imagining it, but his prayers for her and for the amazingly dedicated medical staff at the Heart Institute seemed to have helped calm her down a bit.

The SU is heading over a little later today for a second visit.

Pausing. Praying. Planning.

It's August 27. It is 24 years ago today I married the SU. What I remember most from that day is the SU standing up in front of our friends and family at the party after the ceremony and telling the world... "She is my best friend, and I know she's your friend too. I know you all love her and so do I. I will love her forever.!" sigh. And I remember thinking even then.. "I will remember this moment for the rest of my life"... and I have so far... Life has a funny way of turning out though doesn't it?

I re-read my blog entry from last year. Things have most definitely changed since last year. And while I had expected to be done with the relationship before this date that's not the case. It doesn't bother me much. I have other things on my mind right now. I have to believe there is a plan. I don't know what it is. It's up to me to make my choices and I am doing that. It may not be a clear choice for the moment and that's okay too.

Sundays, in church at the end of the liturgy, I sit and meditate for a bit on what I am supposed to be doing that day, that week, and leave it at that. Que sera sera and all that. Life will unfold as it must. Don't think for a minute I will just "let" things happen, oh no... but there are some things that can be taken on and dealt with and some that cannot. Taking care and working with Rebel is utmost for now. As she gains her health back and TweenyRebel manages to get back into some form of older teen-ness... I will be able to move forward. SU can sit and sulk in his cave - upstairs or basement. He can take his pick! It really doesn't bother me. It's almost as if he is barely part of the equation at this point.

I had a note from someone I know to whom I gave this blog. Within my own circle I have been selective about who gets here. For the random hits... well... lucky you! I gave her my blog because she was going through a divorce. She has children too. I didn't know much about her personal life and how it was going for her so I let her in on my own experiences and rants. Now fortunately for her, she and her ex-SU have a good relationship as parents to their children and she says they are friends. And good for both of them! She has had a mostly decent experience through a negative one of a family having to split up. And it happened with a level of maturity and the right way! But she did find that reading my rants and comments gave her a little something to think about. And that is why I write. By blogging I believe someone may stumble upon my rants and silliness and perhaps realize that they are not the only ones trying to figure out what to do with an SU and other fall outs from these things. Or they might just read and be entertained or appalled!

I am pleased she dropped me the little note tell me she got something out of reading my stuff.

So I will have a drink tonight. To remember what was, and to plan, to hope, and to pray for what will be. And I will keep blogging to see where I will be at this time next year!
Thanks for reading friends and strangers all the same.

Summer Sunday

It is a beautiful day today. A perfect summer day. The liturgy at church today was especially nice. It is the 7th or is it 8th? Sunday after Pentecost today. The Sunday of our Forefathers. We had five visiting priests at the Altar today including a visiting Roman Catholic guy who was a tad lost. And the congregation seemed to have a gained a couple of extra bass singers today too. Nothing like that bass voice to add depth to all the responses. WE sing all the responses in three or four parts - in the byzantine style. It sounded extra special and full today. Must have been the fine weather that brought out the best in everyone. I gave thanks today for Rebel's small steps. "I got out of the shower today mom and I didn't have to take a rest before I got dressed." We all seemed to walk out of church humming our favourite response near the end of the liturgy - the one where the bass singers lead...

"Blessed be the name of the Lord... now and forever!"

It always sends a shiver down my spine as we sing it. Indeed! It's the small things that we come to appreciate in our lives. And it seems that Sundays such as this one are when we are reminded of these things.

In the meantime, RebelTweeny has sent me email asking to come home from down east. "please buy me an airplane ticket. It's $129 on Porter!" She's had enough of her older cousin "bossing her around". Yeah well, if your dad wants to buy the airplane ticket okay, but I am kind of enjoying the peace and quiet around here.

Today I will enjoy a Sunday the way Sunday should be enjoyed. The newspaper will go out with me on the quarter deck - yes... I've down sized it again... it's not even a half. A shot of Bailey's in my coffee and I will savour the day and count my blessings.

Hope you are all enjoying your summer Sunday and counting your blessings.

Summer breezes.

It's pretty quiet around here. Rebel went with a good friend to their cottage overnight. It was tough to let her go, but I have learned I really can't hover over her. It drives her mental. Not a good thing. However when your kid has been dealing with a near life threatening condition, it's hard to let her out of sight. But out of sight I did let her go. She was looking forward to lying on floaty on a lake for a few hours. It will give her peace and tranquility I hope.

I took myself out with a young friend of mine. We went to a new location of one of the well known Irish pubs in town. We chatted for hours. Said young friend is connected to the spousal unit's young party friend. They all run in the same Celtic fusion and dance circles. Long story short.... apparently when the SU is at the parties... he drinks til quite drunk and has on more than one occasion discussed the spousal ennuie. My young friend tells me the friends don't particularly want to hear what the SU has to say... and turn him off. Interestingly,the others do not know of my connection to this young woman... a professional one, and thus, they have been quite open in discussing and wondering how I can put up with the SU's behaviour... etc etc. It was an enlightening conversation.

I am still not ready to get back into the mediation fray with SU. Rebel has a long way to go, and frankly, any strength I had kind of drained away this last month. And more than one friend has more than once asked me... "so Marie, how are YOU doing?" Most of the time, I am okay. This evening, I found that sitting outside at a patio with a pint and food enjoying the warm summer breeze and setting sun was just the right kind of healing. I have to thank my young friend for suggesting it. And I need to do more of this over the next few weeks.


Take time to enjoy a warm summer breeze.

Prayer and Mediums.

I had a phone call from my cousin in Alberta yesterday. We've come to know each other as adults, have shared our life experiences and she knows the Rebel quite well. Cuz told me some really freaky, and *out there* things last night while I was at the hospital visiting Rebel. The Spouse of course, scoffed it all off. He would. He must. he refuses to try and find a truth that doesn't reflect what he believes could be possible.

She has been studying spiritual awakening type stuff... clairvoyance type things- in a church - meditating, and learning how to cope and use this gift. From what she said it is something you have and the discernment of you handle this gift must be taught in the right surroundings, with the right people as the one with the gifts can be hurt or can administer hurt. She is training herself in the art of healing. Of course, upon learning about our Rebel she started putting training into practice. And this is where things make me get the shivers.

It would seem that the prayer circles I have invoked are very loudly and clearly being heard beyond our scope. They do make a difference. If one believes in these sorts of things or not, it would seem that creating a focused message and prayers and thoughts send an energy force.

Cuz is still in training so to speak, but she clearly felt and saw the presence of my grandparents and mother while she was focusing her meditations of healing on Rebel and learning how to practice her gift. My mother spoke to Anna very clearly - *in my face as only Auntie M can* Cuz described. I know exactly what she means. Mom told her to tell me that she and her parents were with me... watching and looking out for us. This unnerved me completely, yet... it was reassuring.

Prayers work.
In ways we can't fathom.
They work.

Prayer, spirituality, and the sound of people sending their thoughts in a specific direction makes a difference. I believe it. Whether one can truly communicate with those who've passed, well... many religions speak against it, including my own. However Cuz has some kind of gift, (or curse) and by sharing what she believes with me, is one more positive power that may make the difference in how I too need to keep my faith positive and my prayers powerful. This is not a gift that one takes lightly. If my mom and grandparents are watching over us and can help us help the Rebel, than thanks be to the Lord for this terrifying gift that Cuz has to share.