We're stronger than we think
Divorce builds life-coping muscles. When you no longer have someone caring for you, it turns out you can do just fine on your own
SARAH HAMPSON
From Thursday's Globe and Mail
August 23, 2007 at 9:12 AM EDT
I have a man who does my car and a man who will do my dishwasher and a man who will do my furnace, when it needs someone with a tool.
But often, I figure out how to do these traditionally male jobs myself.
I am an alpha female. At least, that's what a woman I encountered at a recent party told me I had become when we got to talking about divorced life over a glass of Veuve Clicquot. It's when you learn that you can manage just fine without a man in your life full-time.
I take out the garbage. I unplug drains. I hang pictures solo. I have taken out my old hand saw, rusty and unwieldy as it is, to cut down tree limbs that intrude upon my garden from my neighbour's property.
I haven't had to change a tire, not yet, but I did once drive my manual-transmission car when the clutch had given out. I got it home, and when I couldn't start it the next day, I called my mechanic, who sent someone from his garage. The greasy he-man in the overalls couldn't drive it, either. He had to use his tow truck. Wimp!
Later, my mechanic explained, "I told him that you were not the kind of woman who would call unless it was a real problem."
I'm developing a thing for my mechanic, but it could be one of those transference infatuations - you know, the kind we get for our obstetricians - oh, and for our divorce lawyers - the men who deliver us from circumstances we can't resolve on our own.
Divorce builds life-coping muscles. For women, especially with children, no matter how involved (or not) the fathers are, separation is a lesson in survival. It's like being in a rowboat in the middle of the sea with one oarsperson. And then you learn that you can do it.
And it's not just that your man isn't around; it dawns on you that you don't want him. His presence might even make the boat more wobbly.
Alpha females are everywhere, now that I am paying attention to the term Maureen Dowd used in her book, Are Men Necessary?
Of course, some say that being an alpha female - think former British prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, whose husband, Dennis, lived in her shadow - is a load of media-driven baloney.
"The alpha female is an invention of popular culture," scoffs Susan Heald, associate professor in the women's studies department at the University of Manitoba.
"Millions of women all over the world for centuries have always taken on what would otherwise be male roles," she says. "There have always been divorced women. There have always been single women. There have always been women who have been widowed. And there are women who, because they are poor, have to take on those male roles. And there are women who are married but whose husbands are at war, or in the bar drinking themselves to death."
The bigger question, Dr. Heald says, is: "Why are women in 2007 growing up with the idea that someone is going to do half the work? Not that sharing isn't important. But women have to do all kinds of things, from earning a living to taking out the trash to rearing children. To me, that makes them women. It may not be fair - but welcome to the world."
Still, the transition from marriage to divorce is a major adjustment. "It's empowering but scary," says Winnipegger Pamela Mason, 61, of solo life after her divorce at the age of 44 when her three children were 14, 9 and 6.
Her ex-husband had travelled frequently when they were married, so she was accustomed to coping on her own.
But that was different from really being on her own.
"That first winter, the pilot light went out on the water heater. I called a male friend, and he walked me through how to relight it. And when I did it, I said, 'Yes! Who needs a man?' It felt like a real achievement."
There's another reason why divorce often forces a woman to become alpha: She was beta in the first place, and liked it. She preferred having her man take charge. Marriage was a way to be taken care of.
My view of marriage was husband leads, wife follows. I was young when I married, so maybe I needed to be cared for in a childlike way.
I always worked throughout my marriage and the birth of three children, but I thought of it as a sidecar career. With the birth of my third child, I gave up a lucrative job as associate creative director in a large international advertising agency. Making a lot of money was not my priority, once I had three boys under the age of 5.
Freelance writing became more like a spa treatment, something I did for myself, to keep my sanity and balance the demands of motherhood. But I got the greatest sense of purpose from being the primary caregiver for my children.
So when I realized that I needed to divorce, it was very frightening. My ex had always paid all the bills, handled tax stuff, dealt with the bank, made the major bread.
"I don't think you will be able to cope," my ex-husband said to me - and not at all out of sincere concern. He was mocking me.
Of course, that produced my own little Pierre Trudeau-style defiance. "Just watch me," I thought to myself.
And later, much later, in one of his moments of meekness, the ex said: "You know, Sarah, you are much stronger than I thought."
The truth is, I am stronger than I thought I was, too.
source:the globe and mail
