Fathers and Sons.

My husband is the second of three sons with an older sister too.
His parents are of the cold and don't touch variety. I come from a huggy, warm environment and didn't understand a father shaking his son's hand. Where I come from, not only do male friends kiss each other, but hugs are a common practice.

I have never seen my husband hug his father, or his father hug him. His mother barely puts her arm around her son. How does this affect a man in his relations with his own children down the road? Some learn and behave differently with their children, others don't realize the impact this cold behaviour has on their own growth and development or attitude to how they behave with their children.

I think this must explain to a great degree my spouse's inability even now to be intimate, to be able to express himself in ways that are for me quite natural.

They are not a warm or close family my husband's clan. Indeed, the phone calls on my husband's birthday are from my parents and brothers. Nary a one of his clan calls or sends a card in the mail. And e-mail - they have no clue how to use it. We see his parents once a year as they drive through town on their way elsewhere, my father in law shakes his son's hand. No hug, not even a clap on the shoulder, just a hand shake like the Kiwanians would do at their lunch meeting.

My dad walks in the door and expects to kiss his sons on the cheek, to huge them and to have the same in return. It was the same with both grandparents. The difference between European ancestry and the cold southern Ontario up-tightness I guess.

My husband has never had his father's blessing. I don't believe I've ever heard my father-in-law say he was proud of any of his sons. He's never said how happy he is of the lives his sons have or what they've made of themselves.

Now granted my husband is by far doing the best. The oldest left home at 19 to run away from a minor drug charge, never came home. Lived in a converted school bus in Lotus Land for a while and stayed as far away as he could. The youngest, lived at home til he was in his 40s, with mom emptying his ash trays for the longest time. The one daughter was always the apple of her father's eye.

My husband, the proverbial middle child, really didn't get much attention, and sadly continues to seek it.
I am always saddened when I see him when his parents visit. Mediating between mom and dad, a role he must have had his entire life. Looking to show his dad just what he's made of himself. Just once I am sure wishing the old man would clap him on the back and say... ya done good son!

I don't think it will ever happen. He's a bastard of a selfish old man. He really can't see what or who his sons are. For some reason rather than being proud he sees men or boys who don't measure up to some ideal. Mom is a martyr who does what she is told and uses her boys to be the go between.

His mother once said to me, "we don't go for hugging and touching, but they all know we care." She picked the wrong day to say it as I was in the middle of our crisis, and all I could say to her was.. " you go on believing that if you wish. But everyone, adult or child, needs to hear they are loved and that they are blessed with their parents approval, otherwise they go looking for it for years."

There are just some days when I have a tough time being respectful to my elders. That was one of them.

I am also quite convinced that half my husband's lack of intimacy, the touching I want, the kisses hello and good bye at the door, the little gestures are things he never ever learned and for some reason didn't see the need to develop as a man looking for a relationship. I mean he just didn't have the role models. Couldn't learn what a loving relationship was from his parents. Viewing Ron Jeremy( that freakin fat slob) porno certainly wasn't going to teach him about intimacy.

He has some skewed views on sex - not kinky - just boring, not understanding how the female mind and sex drive works, and my belief is that it comes down to a general misunderstanding of intimacy issues.

And this I fear will affect our children's understandings of what the roles of man and wife are. They do not have the positive role models that I had of what a loving, truly intimate relationship is about.

Yeah... I give my dad a hard time, but he, right to the end when my poor mom, a chemo victim, looked like a concentration camp survivor, would pat mom's butt, kiss her cheek and tell her she was his girl. There was respect, love and a genuine relationship there. And I remember seeing that with his parents too. Not quite as overt, but my grandparents loved each over and it was obvious.

So fathers and mothers need to be aware of the roles they play with each other as well as with their children. They overtly or subtly affect the attitudes of their children in so much of their lives. This is probably the main reason I haven't walked out. He's damaged goods. A man of 54 who turns back into a little boy when his own dad walks in the door. All he wants is a blessing and approval that he is a good man doing good in the world and that he is loved.

It's Another Saturday Night

It has been some time since I've written anything. My point is, why post for the sake of posting. I'd rather rant about something semi useful than just blah blah blah for the sake of it.

Something that I remember reading when I used to "live" at the Divorce Busting site is that many women would plot and plan their escapes from their marriages. Husbands were usually stunned beyond belief when they arrived home from work and found their homes semi emptied if they were lucky and a note on the table or mantle with the usual "Dear John" bit.

Well, I've been doing that plotting and planning lately. My spousal unit has been more obnoxious than usual. ( might have to do with the lack of sex perhaps, but go back a few posts to my POV on that issue!) might have to do with his general crabbiness because of his job.. or it must be that he's just a crabby middle aged jerk. ( there was a post about that too)

One friend of mine who was married when we were barely finished high school, had her kids young, was a stay at home mom, dumped her husband the minute her kids were out of the nest. She told me she despised having him around. He spent so much time away from home that when he was finally around, she found it hard having him in her circle. She said she plotted her "escape" for over 5 years before she finally decided the time was right. She needed him out of her life.

At the time I was stunned. I had had the bomb dropped on me and I was a victim. I sided with her husband, and suggested she try a little harder to re-build the relationship, to learn how to be a new partner, all those things that those of us who want to stay married all do when a bomb gets dropped on us. As with the usual walk-away-spouses she was not interested. He ended up marrying again. There are a number of problems with the kids - girls - who really don't spend a lot of time with dad. And also don't have a very positive view of dad either.

I did my time trying to make things work. For a while we did. Never quite the way I would have liked and God forbid if I raised anything, he didn't want to hear it.

So I now plot. I am trying to build a separate cash stash. I have several lawyers I can call. I am looking at housing locations and pricing wondering what I would be able to afford without him.

My dad is here visiting for the week. It's a little hard entertaining him while trying to work and do the usual stuff. He follows us around the house like a lost puppy. He didn't go anywhere on his own. Wouldn't get on a bus, wouldn't take my car, just sat in our house and didn't go anywhere unless we took him.

Today, Saturday we went to the new War Museum. I asked the spouse if this was a good idea. He said sure and we'll take him somewhere "local and non franchised" for lunch. So today arrives, and spouse is his usual crabby self. Dad has said nothing about his attitude all week, but while he may not be the brightest light in the dept, he must sense the asshole factor. We take the youngest kidlet with us. We get to the new Museum, and there is a lot to absorb... Cdn war history from prehistory to modern Peace Keeping times... many many exhibits, and tableaus, lots to read. Dad, sort of follows us along, and I tell him... it's okay... go do your own thing, go where you're interested we'll meet you in a couple if hours. He continues to follow. Kid is getting bored I tell her to ask her dad who knows a lot to explain some of the stuff she may not quite get. Dad has disappeared. No where to be found.

We rendez vous and he is telling me to hurry up (ya gotta understand this is a new facility, it's huge, I like to read everything. I was fascinated, and wanted to know more) WHAT was the rush?? Well Mr Husband tells me he's been through the old museum about four times and he's seen enough. Plus he has to go out to one of his "young friend's" house where he is busy helping him with a bookshelf or some such excuse. So I, now in a very pissy mood, ask him if he knows how many times his wife and daughter and father -in-law have been through. He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders with a no/who cares kind of way and I tell him it's all new to us, and being a teacher type it would have been a nice way for him to bond with his daughter instead of running away like a petulant stubborn kid. It was not very dad like! He didn't take kindly to that. .

My dad following us along instead of enjoying and reading the tableaus was a tad irritating, but understandably so. This is a man who wouldn't turn in any direction before consulting his wife. Widower hood doesn't suit him well at all.

Lunch time was no better. The husband didn't try and hold a conversation. It was rudeness beyond belief. Now my dad is not the most articulate soul on the earth either on most subjects but he was buying and it would not have required any effort to try and be charming to a point. But no. He had nothing but sarcastic remarks about the clientèle at the restaurant, the service and quality of the food, all uncalled for. I just wanted to pour my Stella in his lap. Waste of a beer though. It was behaviour worthy of a hormonal sulky teenager not a grown middle aged man who should be thankful he has a father in law wanting to pick up the tab.

We finally got home and he raced to the garage to play with his power tools. He left us at home again, and warned me that it would be a "late night" as his young friend was having "one of his parties." My 53 year old husband likes to think he's one of the young ones and stay out all night with them.

Is there any point in talking to him I wonder? He has said many times he finds our neighbours "mundane and boring" He has nothing to say to them. It was such a snotty thing to say. He never engages in chit chat with those around the area. I suggested that instead of making assumptions about our neighbours he ought to try talking to them and asking them about their lives and families. I for one, do know one thing, every "mundane" husband I see treats his wife with affection, respect and more attention than I have seen from my academic, pseudo-intellectual, fountain-of-youth chasing partner in years. I'll take that over "intellectual discourse" any time!
And so much for another Saturday night. What's on tv at this time of night? Grab that glass of wine the Pot of Gold chocolates, and off I get!