Monday, March 14, 2005

This and that.

The spouse is out tonight. It's hang out with the lads night. The lads who are young enough to call him "dad" if they chose to!. sigh. So might as well get a few notes up on the board. A little of this... a little of that today.

Had an email from someone who used to be a major poster at the Divorce Busting site. We used to chat a lot. He's moved on. I've moved on.. but every now and again I hear from him. He tried connecting with a woman - swore eternal love and a week later... the whole damn thing was over and he was sounding like he had dropped the bomb and pulled all the usual phrases we hear from the those who say they want out. Plus ca change...

Interestingly, there have been more than few connections made between men and women from the DB site. As far as I am aware..... none of them have come to anything... but the virtual gossip mill was a ton of fun. My friend was no exception.

It would appear that others have taken up the work. Like there is so much of this bad marriage thing going on that the more there are out there willing to help, the better I say.
Royce used to be at the DB site. But there was a time at that board that people were being shut down left right and centre. It was kind of weird. I guess the person running it felt threatened or something. I hear a lot about the freedom of speech in the USA, but it appears they don't really mean it if someone is feeling competition, threatened by competition or just doesn't like what you have to say.
Enough... my point is... Royce used to be a guy we all loved to hear from on our little posts. He had a lot of good sense. Still does. Guess what... he has his own web site, board and book too! Good on him! Several of the smart ones defected to Relationship Resource
http://rrr.kimcm.dk Check it out. A bit of a different style, lots of good people who will coach you through anything. I should go and post a few myself given my round of negative thinking these past few weeks

That plus a couple of hand banging sessions with my therapist. Haven't see her in a couple of years, but I know she would make time for me if I asked her to.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Back to the Midlife Crisis Thing

So for anyone who thinks that the Midlife Crisis thing is a pile of bullshit you oughtta try living with that "phantom" disease for awhile and then tell anyone who has lived it how not real it is. And I mean lived it as in living with someone going through it or actually taking full part in the adventure.
The day I heard "I love you but I am not in love with you" and "it's not you, it's me" and "I feel strange" and "I just don't know where my head is at" is the day life changed pretty much for good.
It was a sucker punch! It was a below-the-belt body blow. Yeah... I knew that things were not as they should be, but THIS??! This I was not expecting.
I don't know how I did it, but I quickly found a web site on mid life that saved me. http://www.midlifeclub.com/. (thanks SWL!) A wonderful woman named "Peg," who is worshipped by people who were living through a spouse's MLC, provided excellent information and experience on how and what to do.
"Hey," I thought, "they ALL say the same things." And I got into it!
I have just read through some of the latest stuff at the MLC site and the two women who started the site have written a book. Good on them. I had a couple of books I went through - some targeting the man going through it, and some for "wife of." None of which were read by the husband who didn't think he was going through anything.

Interestingly I am back at the men don't talk thing. My husband thought he was special, that no one but him felt the way he felt. When I told him it had a name - midlife crisis - he scoffed big time and wouldn't buy it at all. But you see it comes down again to some (many?) men not really talking to anyone.
When women start to "feel or deal" we talk.... to anyone. Our friends at work, our sisters, the girl at the grocery store in front you, anyone who might be "on topic." We figure it out. These MLC guys... they mostly wallow in it - some for weeks, others for months, and the scary part? Some of these men wallow for years! How sad is that. And that is the reason women leave. The wallowing gets old pretty quickly!

This was talked about a lot at the Midlife web site. I have to stay that reading that board was an eye opener. My husband wasn't the only jackass in the world. Okay.. He wasn't a jackass at all, he was having a psychological break and didn't recognize it as such.

MLC manifests itself in many ways...

Sometimes it's spiritual - My Spouse- an atheist I would say, was caught up in a book by some has-been philosopher who was a spiritual pretender talking about the meaning of life in a quasi spiritual sense.

Sometimes it's all about the women. "OMG!! I am married," he says, "and have been for 15, 18, 24 years! And THIS is as good as it gets?!"... as he looks at his bagged out wife and (sometimes it's the gorgeous spandex clad wife!) who is schlepping kids to soccer, and music, cooking dinner, going to work, dealing with the bills, going to church council, singing in the ladies barber shop, and hitting the kick boxing classes as well as fending off sex with a hand down her pants (see previous post) all within the same 20 minute period.

well... No wonder the young one at his work who is twenty years younger and single is starting to look good! No baggage ergo... no schlepping for starters.
And when he takes another good look in the mirror, he "could" be twenty years younger... ok... ten!

Sometimes they just want to be boys again. He obviously can't get the "young one" female so he starts hanging out with boys twenty years younger... the kind he used to be before he "settled" for the schelpping wife, and learns how to "party" all over again. Great! Nothing like a 54 year old grey haired guy partying like a 25 year old! It's what every woman is looking for.

He becomes self absorbed, totally not relating to anything within his own family.
Most women lose it and throw the jerk out. But really how does that help a family? The children? And frankly - the man needs help, even if he doesn't realize it.

Patience. Let him be. Let him play out his party hardy fantasies and wife has to be the responsible one. Forget the whining and criticizing and anything else that could be viewed as negative. You won't change him - you won't change his perception. Leave him be but don't leave him ya know?
If you have the patience some of them will come round and realize what idiots they've been. I have heard it happens. And when it does... get ready...
You can have your turn at your Midlife Crisis!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Divorced not once but twice... shall we go for three?

There've been articles lately in the magazines and newspapers on how the second time 'round ain't any better than the first. In fact, the second time stats are pretty abysmal. Statistics Canada has produced a report that says that second timers cut loose in 15% of the time, up from 4% ten years ago. Why is that? Do couples have less patience to work through their issues? Is it a matter of cutting your losses again? Is it that you went in the total opposite direction from No. 1 that you find it's an even bigger mess than the first time?

Statistics Canada only confirms what many marriage therapists and others who study the institution of marriage have been saying for a loooooong time. 2nd timers just aren't that lucky. They usually get married for the wrong reasons. They don't figure out really what went wrong that first time - regardless of how long the marriage lasted.

Michelle Weiner Davis of Divorce Busting fame has a lot to say on this subject. She has some pretty good ideas on busting divorce although I am not sure I have ever actually seen anything about her success rate. If nothing else she helps you figure things out and learn how to build relationships for "the next time."
One of her rants - ok they aren't rants- but her constant refrain, is make it work, figure it out, because if you don't you won't get it right the second time around. I can believe that.
Check it out. http:///www.divorcebusting.com

I stopped going to this board, after about a year of intense conversations, posting and chatting with like minded folks "post bomb." This along with the midlife crisis board saved my head. I have to surf around and find the Midlife URL. Trouble being here is I have to watch my cookie trails. I need to wipe history and such so the spousal unit doesn't know what I am up to over here. Bear with me on this ok. It's tedious having to wipe out the crumbs and traces after everyone of these posts. But I'd rather he not know I am getting creative and venting... even if I don't get any posts... for the short term.

These two boards helped me realize a few things:
1. I wasn't alone.
2. My depressed bizarre spouse was not the only one acting "like that"
3. I could get some advise and information from those going through what I was going through.
That plus the serious head cracking I did with a therapist kept me seriously sane through it all.

Dr Phil is of similar mind. His Relationship Rescue is becoming a classic. The two docs both PhD types in psych or some such head cracking profession are fairly practical. Read them for your own sanity regardless of whether or not the spousal unit wants to play.

And I have to tell you... it's not just husbands who go through this crap, women seem to get seriously whacked too. I think the men find it tougher than the women when their spouses go through this. We women have friends, we bond. I don't find men cope nearly as well. They just wallow waaaaay longer than the girls do.

And if that is the case, then bring it on. It's time I had a midlife crisis so I don't have to engage, so that I can go to the garage drink scotch and hide. Maybe even take off and have a serious fantasy about some young stud twenty years my junior!
If that's a "crisis" bring it on baby! Bring it on.

Next time, barring some bizarre happening in the domestic scene... more on the midlife crisis!
Happy relating and stay married!
Marie Ann.