Fathers and Sons.

My husband is the second of three sons with an older sister too.
His parents are of the cold and don't touch variety. I come from a huggy, warm environment and didn't understand a father shaking his son's hand. Where I come from, not only do male friends kiss each other, but hugs are a common practice.

I have never seen my husband hug his father, or his father hug him. His mother barely puts her arm around her son. How does this affect a man in his relations with his own children down the road? Some learn and behave differently with their children, others don't realize the impact this cold behaviour has on their own growth and development or attitude to how they behave with their children.

I think this must explain to a great degree my spouse's inability even now to be intimate, to be able to express himself in ways that are for me quite natural.

They are not a warm or close family my husband's clan. Indeed, the phone calls on my husband's birthday are from my parents and brothers. Nary a one of his clan calls or sends a card in the mail. And e-mail - they have no clue how to use it. We see his parents once a year as they drive through town on their way elsewhere, my father in law shakes his son's hand. No hug, not even a clap on the shoulder, just a hand shake like the Kiwanians would do at their lunch meeting.

My dad walks in the door and expects to kiss his sons on the cheek, to huge them and to have the same in return. It was the same with both grandparents. The difference between European ancestry and the cold southern Ontario up-tightness I guess.

My husband has never had his father's blessing. I don't believe I've ever heard my father-in-law say he was proud of any of his sons. He's never said how happy he is of the lives his sons have or what they've made of themselves.

Now granted my husband is by far doing the best. The oldest left home at 19 to run away from a minor drug charge, never came home. Lived in a converted school bus in Lotus Land for a while and stayed as far away as he could. The youngest, lived at home til he was in his 40s, with mom emptying his ash trays for the longest time. The one daughter was always the apple of her father's eye.

My husband, the proverbial middle child, really didn't get much attention, and sadly continues to seek it.
I am always saddened when I see him when his parents visit. Mediating between mom and dad, a role he must have had his entire life. Looking to show his dad just what he's made of himself. Just once I am sure wishing the old man would clap him on the back and say... ya done good son!

I don't think it will ever happen. He's a bastard of a selfish old man. He really can't see what or who his sons are. For some reason rather than being proud he sees men or boys who don't measure up to some ideal. Mom is a martyr who does what she is told and uses her boys to be the go between.

His mother once said to me, "we don't go for hugging and touching, but they all know we care." She picked the wrong day to say it as I was in the middle of our crisis, and all I could say to her was.. " you go on believing that if you wish. But everyone, adult or child, needs to hear they are loved and that they are blessed with their parents approval, otherwise they go looking for it for years."

There are just some days when I have a tough time being respectful to my elders. That was one of them.

I am also quite convinced that half my husband's lack of intimacy, the touching I want, the kisses hello and good bye at the door, the little gestures are things he never ever learned and for some reason didn't see the need to develop as a man looking for a relationship. I mean he just didn't have the role models. Couldn't learn what a loving relationship was from his parents. Viewing Ron Jeremy( that freakin fat slob) porno certainly wasn't going to teach him about intimacy.

He has some skewed views on sex - not kinky - just boring, not understanding how the female mind and sex drive works, and my belief is that it comes down to a general misunderstanding of intimacy issues.

And this I fear will affect our children's understandings of what the roles of man and wife are. They do not have the positive role models that I had of what a loving, truly intimate relationship is about.

Yeah... I give my dad a hard time, but he, right to the end when my poor mom, a chemo victim, looked like a concentration camp survivor, would pat mom's butt, kiss her cheek and tell her she was his girl. There was respect, love and a genuine relationship there. And I remember seeing that with his parents too. Not quite as overt, but my grandparents loved each over and it was obvious.

So fathers and mothers need to be aware of the roles they play with each other as well as with their children. They overtly or subtly affect the attitudes of their children in so much of their lives. This is probably the main reason I haven't walked out. He's damaged goods. A man of 54 who turns back into a little boy when his own dad walks in the door. All he wants is a blessing and approval that he is a good man doing good in the world and that he is loved.