Close to Christmas. Now what?

I have no idea what he is planning for Christmas. The house is still a disaster... I have not been able to pull out all the holiday gear and dress up the house! Dress up? Geez I'd be happy if I could get at least some underwear on this place never mind the holiday wear. Sigh..

I've tried asking politely, I've tried nagging, I've tried being the business like managerial me... and he continues to move at the pace he choose to work at... which is pretty much not at all.

He did some volunteer carpentry work for his job. and so our stuff was put behind again. I still have a closet with no rod for coats, and the floor is building up a mountain of kid coats.

I am not feeling sorry for myself at all, just frustration. I love parties, I love having people over for dinner, and I can't. There is no where to put them in my construction zone of a living room.

I have a bunch of open houses and parties to go to, and I am not sure I even want to take him with me. He's turned into kind of a know-it-all, on every subject. He speaks with authority he doesn't have, he interrupts any one who disagrees with him, and frankly, it's just starting to become tiresome, and worse, embarrassing. He never used to be that way. The concept of cocktail party, where social chit chat and moving among people is not an idean he cares to follow. See #7 at the link! Standard operating procedure at a party!
http://www.ehow.com/how_9725_be-proper-guest.html

Last time we went out, he talked to one person, and every time the person tried to disengage, he didn't get it. I finally grabbed him by the arm and told him I wanted him to come meet some people.

After we got into the car he asked me why I "grabbed" him and "made" him talk to those boring, tiresome guys. I explained how the idea was to have a little food, keep a drink in hand and chat with many people about nothing too serious. Serious is not how these things work.

Well, it would appear that He got all offended and started sulking and he said he didn't want to follow the "cocktail rules" I mean really! So we ended up having a "discussion" on how to play the game. "I don't have to play the game... because I am me!" sigh.... So, I have decided I am not going to invite him to parties from my work, and my friends any longer. It's just too embarrassing.

And then I still went ahead and bought him a leather car coat for Christmas this year. I had to clue what to buy him. A friend bought her husband a leather coat, and so I though... yeah that's a pretty good idea. It was on sale. Seemed like a good idea!

We may end up with a friend or two over for the day. Said friend has asked me what my husband's problem is about his "know-it-all" issues. Christmas could be polite, or it could end up in a disaster... not sure what we'll do.

So... time to wrap the gifts, finishing the speciality Christmas foods, and hope the house isn't naked next week if a friend or two pops by!

WHO is Mort Fertel and where did he come from?! That and a reno revision!

I've just found Mort's web site. He's relatively new in the "save yr marriage" game. His emails are annoying at best, and at worst I'd call it spam!
http://www.marriagemax.com/mort-fertel.asp This is his site. All he seems to have on the go is his Boot Camp for those who get into counselling or what ever it is he is calling it and a whole lotta media attention!

Ok.. at first glance... it looks pretty good. But he sounds like a Divorce Busting guy run amok!
Remember DB? http://www.divorcebusting.com/

There really is nothing substantial on his site. Most of the other decent save yr relationship sites have their boards and buddy chats as well as any number of other ways of communicating AS WELL as their bag of tricks of books and tapes and other related paraphanalia!

So I tried to check out ole Mort and see what he was about. Tried emailing, calling, and even tried tracking down his office through a friend of mine in Baltimore... no go! Very very interesting.

On the DB side, Michele, we know, at least has some experience and what we would call TRAINING AND EDUCATION!!!! Mort has..... um... found a way to make money scamming desperate housewives and husbands into thinking that his rhetoric is gonna work.

So... if anyone actually ever reads these missives of mine.. I would LOVE to know if Mort is on a money making binge.. of if he actually knows what he is talking about.

I wish I'd kept some of his spam... fill of platitudes and the usual blah blah. 4 ways to relearn how to talk to your spouse... 7 ways to really get to know each other again... I roll my eyes!!! There's something about the guy... I mean really - can you trust a guy named "Mort?" OK... maybe that's not quite fair... but if he was Dr.Mort would I like him any better? He just ain't no Dr. Phil!

I don't see any psychology degress, no social work, or counselling certificates..NOTHING that says he actually knows what he is talking about.


Renovation update.

The She-Eldon is still coming around. I leave the house. I really can't be bothered talking to her. I really need to tell the spousal unit that I will paint. I actually enjoy painting. I have no ability to draw or create - except scrapbook pages http://www.creativememories.com/ but painting for me is like using Crayola crayons.. Then there is the whole dip, slap and slide the brush around thing.... ok... back on track girl!

still don't have a living room or a dining room and it's what?... 21 days to Christmas... so much for parties or having friends over... where?

My latest whine, - he took the front hall closet apart - okay it does need painting... but in the mean time, we don't have ANYWHERE to hang our winter coats, and put our winter shoes, hats, mitts etc. Remember it's CANADA and it's WINTER! I asked him how long it would take to get the closet finished....after about two weeks of nothing. This would appear to be a simple question yes? I got a song and dance about no time... weekends are short...

In my silliness I suggested perhaps an advance schedule of setting aside all other projects and pushing forward on getting the closet done first. I was given the 32 reasons why this couldn't happen: Stairs need to be stained and varnished, She-Eldon coming to paint trim, windows need fixing, and Christmas lights on house need replacing... (did I mention that the lights stay up year 'round?!) So... I suggested... perhaps all these projects except Christmas lights could go temporarily on hold so we could get our closet back???? And the answer was I didn't understand.

Well Wife Warrior went ... the term might be super-bitch mode. While I did my level best to keep my voice at an even tone I suggested that as a manager my own project management techniques were superiour, that we had to have a project plan, that the budget was non existent, and that if he had been a contractor that I had hired, I would have fired him about 7 months earlier! And would he like me to PULEEEESE take over the remainder of the project management so things would get DONE in an effing timely fashion. Apparently, according to him who is a superior decorator and doer, that concept would never fly.

I hafta say, the guy is a good carpenter, he is meticulous, and takes pride in his work, but as I've learned from Fly-Lady, his need for perfection is seriously holding him back.
I can't even get Mike Holmes in, http://www.hgtv.ca/HOH/meetmike_howto.asp because the work is good.. it's just taking for effing ever to get done! Is he HOT or what???
Mike... I bet you don't keep your wife waiting for her renos baby!

More than one kind of turkey!

My goodness. I really need to write more than once every two months, otherwise what is the point.
The home computer crashed the other week so now I sit at the public library with all the deprived kids and do my email. Who has time during the day.

I was out of town on business for a week and I hafta tell you, it was probably the most stress free week I've had in a looooong time. It was sheer bliss.

No partner around to worry about. No one telling me how to do anything. I mean stress at work I don't mind, but this spousal unit of mine is really starting to take its toll.

Two topics today. Thanksgiving and Renovations. Mutually exclusive, but both annoying involving the same third party.

My spousal unit hates painting. Despises it. His big problem though is that he can stand anyone else who isn't a perfectionist painting the place either.

One of his "young friends" broke up with his girlfriend. Said girlfriend is someone looking to get into decor/organizing/ game and started using our place and spouse's tutelage to get started. So the spouse decided to offer her a painting job... without consulting me. I told him I was not quite thrilled with this decision. Her constant cheery chirpiness and awe under spouse's eye gets to be irksome after a bit. So our "Eldon" ( remember Murphy Brown?) shows up when she is not on shift and does whatever the spouse leaves her to do. Fine.. nice job, but she is starting to re -arrange my living room, move things where I don't want them. I move them back and Spouse seems to think her way is better.

I need to find some graphic ways of displaying what my little living/dining room looks like and what I want vs what she thinks.

Ok... so maybe I am being a bitch, but... if I want advise, I'll ask for it. My kids and I already have ideas, which dad/spouse doesn't want to know anything about. His disparaging remarks on any thing I or children suggest is now going from irksome to hurtful.

Now we get to Thanksgiving weekend. We always have turkey on Sunday rather than Monday.
I had planned on going to church that Sunday and spouse was up earlier than the norm for him... around 9 AM. He started fussing with the turkey and messing around what is normally MY domain. I couldn't do a thing right that day. The turkey was not cleaned properly. The stuffing wasn't made well. ANd it went on. I decided to do a very immature thing and took my cup of coffee to the bedroom, shut the door and started reading rather than listen to his every comment, but something, I have been doing for the last 20 years!

Our oldest had not turned up at home that previous night either and while I was pretty sure I knew what had happened I wanted to stick around and wait for a call. And our "Eldon" showed up and started commiserating and trying to evoke something. I wanted to slap her and tell her just shut up and paint.

I decided to head out for a few hours and leave the spouse completely in charge. I had some errands to run. I came home and decided rather childishly to not join the family for dinner. "Eldon" had apparently been invited. Why? I have no idea as I knew that she was having another dinner the next day with her own friends.

I behaved rather badly, but didn't care. I pleaded a headache and went up to the bedroom and watched movies.
Spouse did all the cooking, cleaning and putting away. I did nothing. This has never ever happened before.

A good friend suggested I might be jealous. Knowing what I do about the spouse - his need for attention and a chance to show off his peacock feathers, perhaps this is true. He's been busy giving "Eldon" advise on everything from finances, buying a car to home repairs. I roll my eyes, and she seems to eat it up.

Today she is doing her laundry at our place. I am going to have to tell the spouse that this stops. I went down to do our laundry and I can't even use my own machine! I want Sunday to be a day off. No one around. I've had it!

Once the painting is done... she is gone. Spouse said something about her "friendship." I informed him that I have plenty of friends, and even if I wanted/needed a friend young enough to be my daughter it would be with one of the young ones I work with, with whom I could have far more scintillating conversations that our "Eldon" could muster up. I believe he was stunned since he tends to hang around many people young enough to be our children.

But that my friends... is a story for another day.

Fathers & Sons Part 2

So the outlaws were in town an entire month and didn't bother to visit once. Oh wait... mom in law showed up for about half an hour four days before leaving town. Her friend drove her in because her husband just didn't feel like coming to visit his son!

How does that work? The guy drives 3 days to get here, drives past our town to go stay in the miserable little cottage about another hour away, but doesn't stop to visit his son. Dad out law is 86 years old give or take a year, and has numerous lung ailments. Mom out law has diabetes, a heart condition, ongoing gastric stuff and isn't much younger. They are living in a cottage with no telephone, ( no cell either), crappy tv reception, and no air conditioning. The humidity has been over 35 degrees C more often than not. It's hot, and sticky and miserable.

Our home has telephones, air conditioning and television with cable!
Mom out law comes by to visit and tells her son they will be leaving in four days. Son scrambles to go and visit out at the cottage. The rest of us all had plans that we were not happy about changing. We don't change our plans to stay for dinner. The people who own the cottage are rather taken aback by our short visit. It's none of their business.

As we arrive dad outlaw, as expected, gives son a tough time about NOT calling or coming for a visit. Son tries to reason and explain that they are the retired ones, we are the ones working and busy with kids and house stuff this summer. We can't reach them, and the one time we did take a drive, no one was around.

Dad outlaw starts the violin music and tells us he just didn't feel like going anywhere (except a wedding , except a flea market - twice- except to visit old boys, except except!!!) BUT... he couldn't visit his own son and grandchildren.

And I wonder why my spouse is as fucked up in the head as he is?!!
Some would say it's time to get over it. some would tell him to tell the ole man to take a hike. Some would ask why bother?? All thoughts and ideas worth pondering and questioning.

No doubt the spouse is too afraid to open that door and wonder why he won't answer the questions and do the pondering. Time with ole man is running out and nothing changes.

Ya see... it always comes back to your parents. Every single time. Psychology 101.

Fathers and Sons.

My husband is the second of three sons with an older sister too.
His parents are of the cold and don't touch variety. I come from a huggy, warm environment and didn't understand a father shaking his son's hand. Where I come from, not only do male friends kiss each other, but hugs are a common practice.

I have never seen my husband hug his father, or his father hug him. His mother barely puts her arm around her son. How does this affect a man in his relations with his own children down the road? Some learn and behave differently with their children, others don't realize the impact this cold behaviour has on their own growth and development or attitude to how they behave with their children.

I think this must explain to a great degree my spouse's inability even now to be intimate, to be able to express himself in ways that are for me quite natural.

They are not a warm or close family my husband's clan. Indeed, the phone calls on my husband's birthday are from my parents and brothers. Nary a one of his clan calls or sends a card in the mail. And e-mail - they have no clue how to use it. We see his parents once a year as they drive through town on their way elsewhere, my father in law shakes his son's hand. No hug, not even a clap on the shoulder, just a hand shake like the Kiwanians would do at their lunch meeting.

My dad walks in the door and expects to kiss his sons on the cheek, to huge them and to have the same in return. It was the same with both grandparents. The difference between European ancestry and the cold southern Ontario up-tightness I guess.

My husband has never had his father's blessing. I don't believe I've ever heard my father-in-law say he was proud of any of his sons. He's never said how happy he is of the lives his sons have or what they've made of themselves.

Now granted my husband is by far doing the best. The oldest left home at 19 to run away from a minor drug charge, never came home. Lived in a converted school bus in Lotus Land for a while and stayed as far away as he could. The youngest, lived at home til he was in his 40s, with mom emptying his ash trays for the longest time. The one daughter was always the apple of her father's eye.

My husband, the proverbial middle child, really didn't get much attention, and sadly continues to seek it.
I am always saddened when I see him when his parents visit. Mediating between mom and dad, a role he must have had his entire life. Looking to show his dad just what he's made of himself. Just once I am sure wishing the old man would clap him on the back and say... ya done good son!

I don't think it will ever happen. He's a bastard of a selfish old man. He really can't see what or who his sons are. For some reason rather than being proud he sees men or boys who don't measure up to some ideal. Mom is a martyr who does what she is told and uses her boys to be the go between.

His mother once said to me, "we don't go for hugging and touching, but they all know we care." She picked the wrong day to say it as I was in the middle of our crisis, and all I could say to her was.. " you go on believing that if you wish. But everyone, adult or child, needs to hear they are loved and that they are blessed with their parents approval, otherwise they go looking for it for years."

There are just some days when I have a tough time being respectful to my elders. That was one of them.

I am also quite convinced that half my husband's lack of intimacy, the touching I want, the kisses hello and good bye at the door, the little gestures are things he never ever learned and for some reason didn't see the need to develop as a man looking for a relationship. I mean he just didn't have the role models. Couldn't learn what a loving relationship was from his parents. Viewing Ron Jeremy( that freakin fat slob) porno certainly wasn't going to teach him about intimacy.

He has some skewed views on sex - not kinky - just boring, not understanding how the female mind and sex drive works, and my belief is that it comes down to a general misunderstanding of intimacy issues.

And this I fear will affect our children's understandings of what the roles of man and wife are. They do not have the positive role models that I had of what a loving, truly intimate relationship is about.

Yeah... I give my dad a hard time, but he, right to the end when my poor mom, a chemo victim, looked like a concentration camp survivor, would pat mom's butt, kiss her cheek and tell her she was his girl. There was respect, love and a genuine relationship there. And I remember seeing that with his parents too. Not quite as overt, but my grandparents loved each over and it was obvious.

So fathers and mothers need to be aware of the roles they play with each other as well as with their children. They overtly or subtly affect the attitudes of their children in so much of their lives. This is probably the main reason I haven't walked out. He's damaged goods. A man of 54 who turns back into a little boy when his own dad walks in the door. All he wants is a blessing and approval that he is a good man doing good in the world and that he is loved.

It's Another Saturday Night

It has been some time since I've written anything. My point is, why post for the sake of posting. I'd rather rant about something semi useful than just blah blah blah for the sake of it.

Something that I remember reading when I used to "live" at the Divorce Busting site is that many women would plot and plan their escapes from their marriages. Husbands were usually stunned beyond belief when they arrived home from work and found their homes semi emptied if they were lucky and a note on the table or mantle with the usual "Dear John" bit.

Well, I've been doing that plotting and planning lately. My spousal unit has been more obnoxious than usual. ( might have to do with the lack of sex perhaps, but go back a few posts to my POV on that issue!) might have to do with his general crabbiness because of his job.. or it must be that he's just a crabby middle aged jerk. ( there was a post about that too)

One friend of mine who was married when we were barely finished high school, had her kids young, was a stay at home mom, dumped her husband the minute her kids were out of the nest. She told me she despised having him around. He spent so much time away from home that when he was finally around, she found it hard having him in her circle. She said she plotted her "escape" for over 5 years before she finally decided the time was right. She needed him out of her life.

At the time I was stunned. I had had the bomb dropped on me and I was a victim. I sided with her husband, and suggested she try a little harder to re-build the relationship, to learn how to be a new partner, all those things that those of us who want to stay married all do when a bomb gets dropped on us. As with the usual walk-away-spouses she was not interested. He ended up marrying again. There are a number of problems with the kids - girls - who really don't spend a lot of time with dad. And also don't have a very positive view of dad either.

I did my time trying to make things work. For a while we did. Never quite the way I would have liked and God forbid if I raised anything, he didn't want to hear it.

So I now plot. I am trying to build a separate cash stash. I have several lawyers I can call. I am looking at housing locations and pricing wondering what I would be able to afford without him.

My dad is here visiting for the week. It's a little hard entertaining him while trying to work and do the usual stuff. He follows us around the house like a lost puppy. He didn't go anywhere on his own. Wouldn't get on a bus, wouldn't take my car, just sat in our house and didn't go anywhere unless we took him.

Today, Saturday we went to the new War Museum. I asked the spouse if this was a good idea. He said sure and we'll take him somewhere "local and non franchised" for lunch. So today arrives, and spouse is his usual crabby self. Dad has said nothing about his attitude all week, but while he may not be the brightest light in the dept, he must sense the asshole factor. We take the youngest kidlet with us. We get to the new Museum, and there is a lot to absorb... Cdn war history from prehistory to modern Peace Keeping times... many many exhibits, and tableaus, lots to read. Dad, sort of follows us along, and I tell him... it's okay... go do your own thing, go where you're interested we'll meet you in a couple if hours. He continues to follow. Kid is getting bored I tell her to ask her dad who knows a lot to explain some of the stuff she may not quite get. Dad has disappeared. No where to be found.

We rendez vous and he is telling me to hurry up (ya gotta understand this is a new facility, it's huge, I like to read everything. I was fascinated, and wanted to know more) WHAT was the rush?? Well Mr Husband tells me he's been through the old museum about four times and he's seen enough. Plus he has to go out to one of his "young friend's" house where he is busy helping him with a bookshelf or some such excuse. So I, now in a very pissy mood, ask him if he knows how many times his wife and daughter and father -in-law have been through. He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders with a no/who cares kind of way and I tell him it's all new to us, and being a teacher type it would have been a nice way for him to bond with his daughter instead of running away like a petulant stubborn kid. It was not very dad like! He didn't take kindly to that. .

My dad following us along instead of enjoying and reading the tableaus was a tad irritating, but understandably so. This is a man who wouldn't turn in any direction before consulting his wife. Widower hood doesn't suit him well at all.

Lunch time was no better. The husband didn't try and hold a conversation. It was rudeness beyond belief. Now my dad is not the most articulate soul on the earth either on most subjects but he was buying and it would not have required any effort to try and be charming to a point. But no. He had nothing but sarcastic remarks about the clientèle at the restaurant, the service and quality of the food, all uncalled for. I just wanted to pour my Stella in his lap. Waste of a beer though. It was behaviour worthy of a hormonal sulky teenager not a grown middle aged man who should be thankful he has a father in law wanting to pick up the tab.

We finally got home and he raced to the garage to play with his power tools. He left us at home again, and warned me that it would be a "late night" as his young friend was having "one of his parties." My 53 year old husband likes to think he's one of the young ones and stay out all night with them.

Is there any point in talking to him I wonder? He has said many times he finds our neighbours "mundane and boring" He has nothing to say to them. It was such a snotty thing to say. He never engages in chit chat with those around the area. I suggested that instead of making assumptions about our neighbours he ought to try talking to them and asking them about their lives and families. I for one, do know one thing, every "mundane" husband I see treats his wife with affection, respect and more attention than I have seen from my academic, pseudo-intellectual, fountain-of-youth chasing partner in years. I'll take that over "intellectual discourse" any time!
And so much for another Saturday night. What's on tv at this time of night? Grab that glass of wine the Pot of Gold chocolates, and off I get!

Marriage is like a horse race

I have nothing to add. A friend sent this to me not even knowing what was going on in our lives. If he actually knew how hysterical I found this clip it would be way better. But of course, there are some things that some friends just don't need to know. And.... they're off!

http://www.killsometime.com/Audio/Funny-Audio.asp?audio=Horse-Race

More on this & that

We were out at our local pub last week to hear a band. Surprisingly, a few people my husband works with were also at the same place to hear the band. At the end of the evening as we were driving home I mentioned to the husband how surprised I was that one of his colleagues was at the bar. He made the observations that it would appear that said guy and his wife were never seen together, that it appears that they were "disengaged" Said the Husband "it's pretty clear there are problems there as they never go out anywhere together. It's rather sad... they have three children."

I found this observation rather surprising coming from MY husband who regularly goes out on his own without me, who is so "disengaged" that I can barely get more than two sentences out of him on a good day after work.

I haven't learned how to pursue these kinds of conversations though, probably because I can't control where they will go. And more importantly I probably don't really want to know what he is thinking. I want to have the answer in my pocket before I actually hear what he has to say.

On the other hand I am not sure I care. Funny how he is noticing other people's relationship woes - real or imagined - but not doing anything about his own.

I had an email from a former divorce busting board poster and FEE knows who she is... She said my tone has changed - that I am not the person I was when I was posting. She's so right. I am not that woman any more.

I've thought about her email a lot. A bit of soul searching because even though she and I have never met face to face we spent a lot of time posting our thoughts feelings and relationship woes on that board. We really did get to know each other in that virtual world. At that time there was nothing more important to me than trying to save my marrige and get it together with my partner.

My husband and I did manage to pull back together. I played it by the Divorce Busting rules for the most part and I did what I believed I had to do to pull the relationship together. But to this day...I am convinced it was all one sided.

I may have been able to get past it but since all that work, other forces have worked against me or us. Stressful problems with our teenager and differences in opinion about how they should be resolved have created rifts again. I believe he is so concerned about not being like his old man that he gave our teen far too much leeway. It's just not a good scene.

I don't think I've ever been more exhausted and stressed in my entire life. This has been far worse than the entire marriage blow up. And it's not being resolved. My belief is the teen needs to leave our home since she doesn't actually behave as if she is part of the family. Our home is her hotel, except no one is being paid anything to keep her.

The little one watches and learns and has expressed her own belief that we would all be better off if the teen age sibling was not living here. I am starting to agree. I would actually get a full night's sleep not worrying about when or if she is coming home. If she lived elsehwere I wouldn't have to deal with the waiting, the disrespect, the problems of her attitude.

My husband and I have not come to any kind of agreement on what to do with this kid. He's given her far more rope than I would have. Frankly who wants to make love or let's be real here... have sex, when you're worried your kid is lying in a ditch at 2 in the morning.

I heard my mom say on more than one occasion that she would think twice before having children if she could do it again...And you now understand perhaps all about me?
I too have started thinking about this.. and probably won't have much different to say until I have grand kids... ( I should live that long!) but really knowing what I know with this one.

This and that.

The spouse is out tonight. It's hang out with the lads night. The lads who are young enough to call him "dad" if they chose to!. sigh. So might as well get a few notes up on the board. A little of this... a little of that today.

Had an email from someone who used to be a major poster at the Divorce Busting site. We used to chat a lot. He's moved on. I've moved on.. but every now and again I hear from him. He tried connecting with a woman - swore eternal love and a week later... the whole damn thing was over and he was sounding like he had dropped the bomb and pulled all the usual phrases we hear from the those who say they want out. Plus ca change...

Interestingly, there have been more than few connections made between men and women from the DB site. As far as I am aware..... none of them have come to anything... but the virtual gossip mill was a ton of fun. My friend was no exception.

It would appear that others have taken up the work. Like there is so much of this bad marriage thing going on that the more there are out there willing to help, the better I say.
Royce used to be at the DB site. But there was a time at that board that people were being shut down left right and centre. It was kind of weird. I guess the person running it felt threatened or something. I hear a lot about the freedom of speech in the USA, but it appears they don't really mean it if someone is feeling competition, threatened by competition or just doesn't like what you have to say.
Enough... my point is... Royce used to be a guy we all loved to hear from on our little posts. He had a lot of good sense. Still does. Guess what... he has his own web site, board and book too! Good on him! Several of the smart ones defected to Relationship Resource
http://rrr.kimcm.dk Check it out. A bit of a different style, lots of good people who will coach you through anything. I should go and post a few myself given my round of negative thinking these past few weeks

That plus a couple of hand banging sessions with my therapist. Haven't see her in a couple of years, but I know she would make time for me if I asked her to.

Back to the Midlife Crisis Thing

So for anyone who thinks that the Midlife Crisis thing is a pile of bullshit you oughtta try living with that "phantom" disease for awhile and then tell anyone who has lived it how not real it is. And I mean lived it as in living with someone going through it or actually taking full part in the adventure.
The day I heard "I love you but I am not in love with you" and "it's not you, it's me" and "I feel strange" and "I just don't know where my head is at" is the day life changed pretty much for good.
It was a sucker punch! It was a below-the-belt body blow. Yeah... I knew that things were not as they should be, but THIS??! This I was not expecting.
I don't know how I did it, but I quickly found a web site on mid life that saved me. http://www.midlifeclub.com/. (thanks SWL!) A wonderful woman named "Peg," who is worshipped by people who were living through a spouse's MLC, provided excellent information and experience on how and what to do.
"Hey," I thought, "they ALL say the same things." And I got into it!
I have just read through some of the latest stuff at the MLC site and the two women who started the site have written a book. Good on them. I had a couple of books I went through - some targeting the man going through it, and some for "wife of." None of which were read by the husband who didn't think he was going through anything.

Interestingly I am back at the men don't talk thing. My husband thought he was special, that no one but him felt the way he felt. When I told him it had a name - midlife crisis - he scoffed big time and wouldn't buy it at all. But you see it comes down again to some (many?) men not really talking to anyone.
When women start to "feel or deal" we talk.... to anyone. Our friends at work, our sisters, the girl at the grocery store in front you, anyone who might be "on topic." We figure it out. These MLC guys... they mostly wallow in it - some for weeks, others for months, and the scary part? Some of these men wallow for years! How sad is that. And that is the reason women leave. The wallowing gets old pretty quickly!

This was talked about a lot at the Midlife web site. I have to stay that reading that board was an eye opener. My husband wasn't the only jackass in the world. Okay.. He wasn't a jackass at all, he was having a psychological break and didn't recognize it as such.

MLC manifests itself in many ways...

Sometimes it's spiritual - My Spouse- an atheist I would say, was caught up in a book by some has-been philosopher who was a spiritual pretender talking about the meaning of life in a quasi spiritual sense.

Sometimes it's all about the women. "OMG!! I am married," he says, "and have been for 15, 18, 24 years! And THIS is as good as it gets?!"... as he looks at his bagged out wife and (sometimes it's the gorgeous spandex clad wife!) who is schlepping kids to soccer, and music, cooking dinner, going to work, dealing with the bills, going to church council, singing in the ladies barber shop, and hitting the kick boxing classes as well as fending off sex with a hand down her pants (see previous post) all within the same 20 minute period.

well... No wonder the young one at his work who is twenty years younger and single is starting to look good! No baggage ergo... no schlepping for starters.
And when he takes another good look in the mirror, he "could" be twenty years younger... ok... ten!

Sometimes they just want to be boys again. He obviously can't get the "young one" female so he starts hanging out with boys twenty years younger... the kind he used to be before he "settled" for the schelpping wife, and learns how to "party" all over again. Great! Nothing like a 54 year old grey haired guy partying like a 25 year old! It's what every woman is looking for.

He becomes self absorbed, totally not relating to anything within his own family.
Most women lose it and throw the jerk out. But really how does that help a family? The children? And frankly - the man needs help, even if he doesn't realize it.

Patience. Let him be. Let him play out his party hardy fantasies and wife has to be the responsible one. Forget the whining and criticizing and anything else that could be viewed as negative. You won't change him - you won't change his perception. Leave him be but don't leave him ya know?
If you have the patience some of them will come round and realize what idiots they've been. I have heard it happens. And when it does... get ready...
You can have your turn at your Midlife Crisis!

Divorced not once but twice... shall we go for three?

There've been articles lately in the magazines and newspapers on how the second time 'round ain't any better than the first. In fact, the second time stats are pretty abysmal. Statistics Canada has produced a report that says that second timers cut loose in 15% of the time, up from 4% ten years ago. Why is that? Do couples have less patience to work through their issues? Is it a matter of cutting your losses again? Is it that you went in the total opposite direction from No. 1 that you find it's an even bigger mess than the first time?

Statistics Canada only confirms what many marriage therapists and others who study the institution of marriage have been saying for a loooooong time. 2nd timers just aren't that lucky. They usually get married for the wrong reasons. They don't figure out really what went wrong that first time - regardless of how long the marriage lasted.

Michelle Weiner Davis of Divorce Busting fame has a lot to say on this subject. She has some pretty good ideas on busting divorce although I am not sure I have ever actually seen anything about her success rate. If nothing else she helps you figure things out and learn how to build relationships for "the next time."
One of her rants - ok they aren't rants- but her constant refrain, is make it work, figure it out, because if you don't you won't get it right the second time around. I can believe that.
Check it out. http:///www.divorcebusting.com

I stopped going to this board, after about a year of intense conversations, posting and chatting with like minded folks "post bomb." This along with the midlife crisis board saved my head. I have to surf around and find the Midlife URL. Trouble being here is I have to watch my cookie trails. I need to wipe history and such so the spousal unit doesn't know what I am up to over here. Bear with me on this ok. It's tedious having to wipe out the crumbs and traces after everyone of these posts. But I'd rather he not know I am getting creative and venting... even if I don't get any posts... for the short term.

These two boards helped me realize a few things:
1. I wasn't alone.
2. My depressed bizarre spouse was not the only one acting "like that"
3. I could get some advise and information from those going through what I was going through.
That plus the serious head cracking I did with a therapist kept me seriously sane through it all.

Dr Phil is of similar mind. His Relationship Rescue is becoming a classic. The two docs both PhD types in psych or some such head cracking profession are fairly practical. Read them for your own sanity regardless of whether or not the spousal unit wants to play.

And I have to tell you... it's not just husbands who go through this crap, women seem to get seriously whacked too. I think the men find it tougher than the women when their spouses go through this. We women have friends, we bond. I don't find men cope nearly as well. They just wallow waaaaay longer than the girls do.

And if that is the case, then bring it on. It's time I had a midlife crisis so I don't have to engage, so that I can go to the garage drink scotch and hide. Maybe even take off and have a serious fantasy about some young stud twenty years my junior!
If that's a "crisis" bring it on baby! Bring it on.

Next time, barring some bizarre happening in the domestic scene... more on the midlife crisis!
Happy relating and stay married!
Marie Ann.

I am NOT 54 years old!

And you most certainly don't act like it either! I was going to talk about intimacy issues but there was this great article in the paper today about POOGs - Pissed Off Old Guys. It seemed more compelling to talk about POOGs than the usual crap about intimacy. I'll get there, bear with me, just not today!

POOGs... that's him to a T.

Today I heard this from The Husband "you're gonna have to buy your own groceries... you can't keep eating my stuff." His precious nuts and berries full of fibre for cleansing the intestine which keep him regular! This from the person who does 9/10s of the grocery shopping for the family!

hello? Are we in dorm rooms or a family? WTF???

I looked at him in complete disbelief and asked him to repeat himself... I mean really... "his" groceries? To say I was stunned would be understating things.

It's the same with the laundry. Rather than put his laundry into the hamper with the rest of the family, he leaves his stuff on his side of the bed. ( and then wonders why the boy leaves his laundry ALL over his room!)

My belief is if we want the children trained, it starts with being a role model. Well his response is "I'll do my own laundry." OK... but when there is stuff in the machines, rather than helping out by folding, it gets left in a mess either on top of the dryer or dumped into a basket without a fold in sight. There have even been occaisions when the entire wet lumpy mass gets left and I have to start all over again!

When I suggest that perhaps he could help by folding the laundry rather than leaving it in a complete mess, which makes my job longer and a pain, he looks at me as if I have three heads and speaking Klingon.

Again I ask... are we in a dorm room or a family? Somehow things get turned around and it's my fault that the laundry is a mess.

A classic POOG

I have visions of turning my kitchen cupboards into a Fort Knox of doors with triple bolted locks all labelled - Dad's fibre, Mom's yoghurt, Childrens' frosted flakes! sigh..

There must be something to this male menopause thing. His mood swings, his crabbiness, his need to feel young and party all night with the boys, it's no small wonder that women everywhere want these men out the door!

I've learned not to bitch. There is no point. The therapist taught me a lot. There is about a seven second satisfaction thing and then it's done and the anger kicks in instead. I've learned to do the zen thing. Just let it roll and I hope he realizes how stupidly selfish the "get your own groceries" statement was. But I can also see how a completely ignoramous remark like that could be the straw that breaks a camel's back on a bad day. Jack assed size.

I am not going anywhere... yet. My kids love their dad and I won't have that parenting shuffle going on. I'll just keep living my life and observe his and see where we end up.

Ultimately, it's not a great situation, but at this point in my life I am not interested in being a single parent. We keep a pretty civil rein on things and we are "friends" enough that I know the kids are not tuned to any problems...

However, I have taken care of business. I know what I'd have to do if I couldn't stand it any longer.

POOG indeed!

So what is the deal with sex anyway!

So here's the thing. Once the husband started coming out of his "fog" and I had been through a year of therapy, I learned that one of HIS big deals was his frequent need for sex. Never got enough as far as he was concerned.

After about nine months or so.. of NOTHING... remember he was "in love" with the young one at work. - one morning, July 4th actually - we had our version of FIREWORKS... and thereafter I tried not to say no a lot. But recently, and this after about two years of not saying no, I find I am bored with ...how shall I put it... his lack of "style," his lack of creativity, his interest in his own needs. To the point that when he says it's for me... I don't think it is... I mean really - WHEN do men learn that a vagina is not a penis?

When he sticks his hand between my legs at 6:15 in the morning, or at 11:00 pm on a Tuesday night and rubs HARD why hasn't he figured out it ain't gonna work??? Unlike Mr Penis, who springs to action at a mere feel of a hand... any hand... my little "sweet spot" only comes to life when I have a good feeling in my head. Foreplay is not a hand down the pants or hard squeeze of a nipple! It's a head game for me...

I believe that most of us working women with tough jobs are thinking the following as we wake up at 6:15 am... " already???... I gotta pee... is there cheese for Joey's lunch? Jane needs a ride to school, .....is my blue skirt clean? Damn did I get the pantihose,,, man I gotta pee.. hit the snooze button now... I hate that stupid Jan Arden song... "Why don't you love me." .. GEEEZ... I gotta pee... "

AM I right girls???
And then I get THE HAND in between the legs... rubbing like it's gonna help!
Now here's the dilemma... cripes... sex and a fast shower and I'll only be 20 minuntes behind schedule... any meetings this morning? Or is it - quick ! get out of bed and hop into the shower because the days of him joining you in the shower ended with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech?

Mention to the middle aged man who believes his techniques rival any movie idol, that perhaps he needs to shift gears a little and get the wife in the mood with a little foreplay... like cleaning the bathroom, or a kiss hello or good bye as he walks out the door, and one would think that you had asked him about the formula for nuclear fusion.

I get "the pout" or the "big sigh" and he turns his back to me.
Please don't suggest a book or a counsellor.... this is a man who thinks he gets it. I mean he used to be a pretty good kisser, now... I think he thinks that "making love" is something a man learns from watching that big fat ugly porn guy - Ron Jeremy. We ALL want to do it in 30 positions in 30 minutes - 20 of then involve going down on the guy! Like that's a turn on... Intimacy... that's what missing here. This I know in his case is directly tied to how he was raised.
And that will be the NEXT topic. Crazy in laws intimacy and a father who doesn't grace his sons or tell them he's a proud dad!

Staying Married 4 the kids

Yep... that's me! I've about had it. However, I have decided that since the guy I married, the father of my children, is mostly a decent guy, I am not about to give him the heave ho and push him out the door. The kids need their dad. And frankly, given their druthers, I am sure they'd rather stick with dad - the good guy than mean old mom who seems to insist that rules be followed, respect be given, and bed times followed.

However, the spark is gone. I have really tried to keep this thing going. Long story. It goes back a few years, when he said to me "I love you but I'm not in love with you." What the hell does THAT mean? Then I found out about the "young thing" that he was fantasizing and lusting over talking about "affairs of the heart" as if this was a Love Boat episode. oh no... wait... it wasn't LOVE BOAT it was Bridges of Madison County. Fantasy land... all the way.

She worked with him. Isn't that always the case? Twenty years younger too. I mean really! At least it was all in his head. He really didn't have the nerve to do much else except fantasize. So... I went through a year and half of heartache, therapy, and weight loss beyond belief and learned that no... it was not all about me. It really was his problem. All that while losing twenty pounds I couldn't afford to lose. I looked like a chemo victim.

He just ignored me for the most part, until my birthday when the significant jewelry started to make an appearance.

Oh did I mention we were sleeping in the same bed and not having sex? Ten months of that nonsense. The French tv channel that played soft porn was about as hot as my bed room most nights! Night after night after night.

Thank goodness for a couple of key resources that got me through those awful first few months. He was 48 years old and going through some serious midlife crisis thing. They are real. I started to read more about it, I realized I was far from alone.

A midlife crisis bulletin board and a divorce busting board along with therapy and faith got me through. More on those next time. I tell ya that divorce busting board saved my sanity!

So bottom line... we're still together 4 years later, and so.... now I am thinking... I wish he had had the guts to leave. I wasn't going anywhere. And I still haven't. And we get al;ong for the most part... but I think it's MY TURN to have a midlfe crisis.
What do you think??