I am NOT 54 years old!

And you most certainly don't act like it either! I was going to talk about intimacy issues but there was this great article in the paper today about POOGs - Pissed Off Old Guys. It seemed more compelling to talk about POOGs than the usual crap about intimacy. I'll get there, bear with me, just not today!

POOGs... that's him to a T.

Today I heard this from The Husband "you're gonna have to buy your own groceries... you can't keep eating my stuff." His precious nuts and berries full of fibre for cleansing the intestine which keep him regular! This from the person who does 9/10s of the grocery shopping for the family!

hello? Are we in dorm rooms or a family? WTF???

I looked at him in complete disbelief and asked him to repeat himself... I mean really... "his" groceries? To say I was stunned would be understating things.

It's the same with the laundry. Rather than put his laundry into the hamper with the rest of the family, he leaves his stuff on his side of the bed. ( and then wonders why the boy leaves his laundry ALL over his room!)

My belief is if we want the children trained, it starts with being a role model. Well his response is "I'll do my own laundry." OK... but when there is stuff in the machines, rather than helping out by folding, it gets left in a mess either on top of the dryer or dumped into a basket without a fold in sight. There have even been occaisions when the entire wet lumpy mass gets left and I have to start all over again!

When I suggest that perhaps he could help by folding the laundry rather than leaving it in a complete mess, which makes my job longer and a pain, he looks at me as if I have three heads and speaking Klingon.

Again I ask... are we in a dorm room or a family? Somehow things get turned around and it's my fault that the laundry is a mess.

A classic POOG

I have visions of turning my kitchen cupboards into a Fort Knox of doors with triple bolted locks all labelled - Dad's fibre, Mom's yoghurt, Childrens' frosted flakes! sigh..

There must be something to this male menopause thing. His mood swings, his crabbiness, his need to feel young and party all night with the boys, it's no small wonder that women everywhere want these men out the door!

I've learned not to bitch. There is no point. The therapist taught me a lot. There is about a seven second satisfaction thing and then it's done and the anger kicks in instead. I've learned to do the zen thing. Just let it roll and I hope he realizes how stupidly selfish the "get your own groceries" statement was. But I can also see how a completely ignoramous remark like that could be the straw that breaks a camel's back on a bad day. Jack assed size.

I am not going anywhere... yet. My kids love their dad and I won't have that parenting shuffle going on. I'll just keep living my life and observe his and see where we end up.

Ultimately, it's not a great situation, but at this point in my life I am not interested in being a single parent. We keep a pretty civil rein on things and we are "friends" enough that I know the kids are not tuned to any problems...

However, I have taken care of business. I know what I'd have to do if I couldn't stand it any longer.

POOG indeed!

So what is the deal with sex anyway!

So here's the thing. Once the husband started coming out of his "fog" and I had been through a year of therapy, I learned that one of HIS big deals was his frequent need for sex. Never got enough as far as he was concerned.

After about nine months or so.. of NOTHING... remember he was "in love" with the young one at work. - one morning, July 4th actually - we had our version of FIREWORKS... and thereafter I tried not to say no a lot. But recently, and this after about two years of not saying no, I find I am bored with ...how shall I put it... his lack of "style," his lack of creativity, his interest in his own needs. To the point that when he says it's for me... I don't think it is... I mean really - WHEN do men learn that a vagina is not a penis?

When he sticks his hand between my legs at 6:15 in the morning, or at 11:00 pm on a Tuesday night and rubs HARD why hasn't he figured out it ain't gonna work??? Unlike Mr Penis, who springs to action at a mere feel of a hand... any hand... my little "sweet spot" only comes to life when I have a good feeling in my head. Foreplay is not a hand down the pants or hard squeeze of a nipple! It's a head game for me...

I believe that most of us working women with tough jobs are thinking the following as we wake up at 6:15 am... " already???... I gotta pee... is there cheese for Joey's lunch? Jane needs a ride to school, .....is my blue skirt clean? Damn did I get the pantihose,,, man I gotta pee.. hit the snooze button now... I hate that stupid Jan Arden song... "Why don't you love me." .. GEEEZ... I gotta pee... "

AM I right girls???
And then I get THE HAND in between the legs... rubbing like it's gonna help!
Now here's the dilemma... cripes... sex and a fast shower and I'll only be 20 minuntes behind schedule... any meetings this morning? Or is it - quick ! get out of bed and hop into the shower because the days of him joining you in the shower ended with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech?

Mention to the middle aged man who believes his techniques rival any movie idol, that perhaps he needs to shift gears a little and get the wife in the mood with a little foreplay... like cleaning the bathroom, or a kiss hello or good bye as he walks out the door, and one would think that you had asked him about the formula for nuclear fusion.

I get "the pout" or the "big sigh" and he turns his back to me.
Please don't suggest a book or a counsellor.... this is a man who thinks he gets it. I mean he used to be a pretty good kisser, now... I think he thinks that "making love" is something a man learns from watching that big fat ugly porn guy - Ron Jeremy. We ALL want to do it in 30 positions in 30 minutes - 20 of then involve going down on the guy! Like that's a turn on... Intimacy... that's what missing here. This I know in his case is directly tied to how he was raised.
And that will be the NEXT topic. Crazy in laws intimacy and a father who doesn't grace his sons or tell them he's a proud dad!

Staying Married 4 the kids

Yep... that's me! I've about had it. However, I have decided that since the guy I married, the father of my children, is mostly a decent guy, I am not about to give him the heave ho and push him out the door. The kids need their dad. And frankly, given their druthers, I am sure they'd rather stick with dad - the good guy than mean old mom who seems to insist that rules be followed, respect be given, and bed times followed.

However, the spark is gone. I have really tried to keep this thing going. Long story. It goes back a few years, when he said to me "I love you but I'm not in love with you." What the hell does THAT mean? Then I found out about the "young thing" that he was fantasizing and lusting over talking about "affairs of the heart" as if this was a Love Boat episode. oh no... wait... it wasn't LOVE BOAT it was Bridges of Madison County. Fantasy land... all the way.

She worked with him. Isn't that always the case? Twenty years younger too. I mean really! At least it was all in his head. He really didn't have the nerve to do much else except fantasize. So... I went through a year and half of heartache, therapy, and weight loss beyond belief and learned that no... it was not all about me. It really was his problem. All that while losing twenty pounds I couldn't afford to lose. I looked like a chemo victim.

He just ignored me for the most part, until my birthday when the significant jewelry started to make an appearance.

Oh did I mention we were sleeping in the same bed and not having sex? Ten months of that nonsense. The French tv channel that played soft porn was about as hot as my bed room most nights! Night after night after night.

Thank goodness for a couple of key resources that got me through those awful first few months. He was 48 years old and going through some serious midlife crisis thing. They are real. I started to read more about it, I realized I was far from alone.

A midlife crisis bulletin board and a divorce busting board along with therapy and faith got me through. More on those next time. I tell ya that divorce busting board saved my sanity!

So bottom line... we're still together 4 years later, and so.... now I am thinking... I wish he had had the guts to leave. I wasn't going anywhere. And I still haven't. And we get al;ong for the most part... but I think it's MY TURN to have a midlfe crisis.
What do you think??