Thursday Thirteen

1. No Wordless this past Wednesday.
2. For some reason the wireless went bonkers yesterday and I wasn't about to spend hours on the phone with the IPS trying to figure out the what. I told RJ to do it, but she has this weird aversion to making phone calls to strangers in particular so nothing happened until she got the bright idea to hit the reset button on the router and that seemed to fix things. Who knew.
3. So no mediation until May 11th unless the Mediator has a cancellation. At this point I'll even take time during the work day to get this done.
4. SU, meanwhile, has been holed up in his lair post dental surgery - though I noted he managed to scarf down an entire box of those Juniors chocolate caramel thingies... i don't think they've been periodontically approved.
5. I've been kind of coasting and feeling apathetic stilll and realize I need to get my taxes done - today's the deadline. I can't find my password anywhere for the UFile site so I will probably have to create a new one again... I can never keep track of this stuff so if someone has a brilliant idea do tell.
6. Rebel and I attended a Fundraising breakfast for the Heart Institute. We were part of a video appeal for funds... it was good. We were the only women in the patient stories piece... the rest middle aged white guys ... Three hundred people being asked to start at $1000 commitments ... that was amazing as the cheque books and credit cards came out.
7. The camera was waaaay too close - as I watched myself I decided I need a face lift and new lipstick colours... not necessarily in that order. Or better lighting - that might be less drastic.
8. Lipstick colours though... need to change.
9. Rebel Junior's birthday next week. She's got 20 friends going for dinner at a local joint and then I think they're ending up at our place for a bit. Not sure though. Since she got a camera AND asked her dad to let her get clothes online from Hollister, I am going to assume she is done for now.
10. My dad has sent both girls cheques so she will get a few new things and I am on the hook for a cake of some sort.
11. ho hum ho hum....
12. will attempt something a little more scintillating next go around folks...
13. thanks for reading!

No Clues or Expectations Here.

I am kind of crabby today. Once again I had grand plans for the weekend and didn't accomplish much. I think instead of making grand plans I need to settle for getting one or two small things done so I feel that I've accomplished something. I must be in some weird state of apathy hovering and waiting. I didn't even cook a meal over the weekend. I have no clue what RJ ate all weekend.

SU yet again spent another day working at a colleague's house. The one who is newly separated. Meanwhile, one of my kitchen cupboards has fallen off it's hinge. I don't expect the SU to fix it.

This morning Rebel realized she had run out of one of her key meds. My credit card couldn't pay for a refill as I am waiting for a refund from the drug plan - I am not doing well with retiring the debt until I am back at full salary.

I asked SU to go pick up the meds and use his card. He was all freaked because he was going for dental surgery - in an hour. The drug store is five minutes from us. He tried hard to give me the glare. Didn't work. Meanwhile, Rebel is feeling bad because she forgot and he's making it seem like a conspiracy against him. No doubt he was a wreck because of the dental stuff however, I had no idea - and really - what was I to do? Rebel has never made this mistake before so glaring and acting like a major jackass wasn't playing well for me.

My Barracuda is convinced that SU will need to provde child support for some time for Rebel and I believe that this is true. he is not going to be happy about it but frankly - it's about time he contributed.

On a good note, Rebel was accepted to college - not university - but three year college and is quite pleased about getting on with her life. The BF blew off her big birthday celebration on Saturday evening. He keeps chipping away at things and will eventually do himself in I expect as Rebel tires of his immaturity.

Now we are to-ing and fro-ing

on the last bits of the agreement. Of course the SU doesn't want to move out of the house. The Barracuda told him "fogetaboutit!" you're goin!

His Shark threatened back on the equalization payment to do with pensions saying I benefit by 8K - if we both retire at 65. I would benefit by 24K if we retire at 55- 60 years. AS IF. SU has always said he'd work til at least 60 - He has no choice if he wants full pension benefits so good luck to the Shark on that one.

It will be interesting to see how SU handles the request for Child Support for Rebel.

As for Rebel's birthday. It went all right. SU was his usual anti social self not even trying to chat with the BF's parents. He took off pretty quickly too using the RJ's not feeling well as his excuse. Okay... she did have a sore throat and was a little cranky but she wasn't whining or anything. The BF's parents just think - as many do - that the SU is a self absorbed anti social prick who didn't even try for the sake of his daughter. She was not impressed and I believe had words with him a day later.

I went to see a counsellor at work to get a couple of referrals. In the mean time she advised me to get him to stop using the girls as intermediaries instead of talking to me directly. Indeed!

And finally - I found out that the reno project that SU has been working on for a fellow teacher - is another guy who was separated last fall. WE went to his wedding party. Nice girl. She dumped apparently. He supported her all through school to PhD and when that was done... so was she. Sad. Well at least SU could move in with him for a time if needed.

I am heading out for a patio dinner - first one of the season in our trendy market area. It's about 20C here and sunny so it's time to not worry for a few hours and giggle with some girls.

Thursday Thirteen.

Subject: draft Separation Agreement, or Why they call her The Barracuda.
TO: Marie

FROM: The Barracuda


13 things I've noticed with your draft agreement.

1. The incomes in paragraphs 1.7 and 1.8 do not match the T4s that are in the disclosure package. Your 2008 T4 shows income of $9000 less than the disclosure statement. SU's income is $4000 higher than stated.

2. There is no child support being paid under the agreement. Given that Rebel is living with you and going to school part-time, and has had health issues, I believe a court would order SU to pay child support for her. The Child Support Guideline amount for one child and his income would be $750 per month.

3.Given the communication problems that have occurred in the past, I wonder if the system for reconciling expenses described in paragraph 6.3 will work for you.

4. It would be preferable to have the issue of Rebel's expenses resolved before the agreement is signed.

5.There is no provision for an annual exchange of income information and review or adjustment of child support – there generally is such a provision in separation agreements.

6.Child support ends at age 22 under paragraph 8.1 – and Rebel is already 21. Given her health issues, there is no question in my mind that she would qualify for support for a longer period of time.

7.Paragraph 9.4 again requires you and SU to agree in the future about Rebel's medication costs. What happens if you do not agree? If would be preferable to state that you are going to share the costs equally or in accordance with some sort of formula if Rebel does not have her own medical coverage at that time.

8. The SU's shark has written and said that SU would like to amend paragraph 12.6 so that he moves out of the house by July 31, 2009. I would have preferred the agreement to provide that he moves out before you pay him the equalization payment. I gather the issue is that SU needs time to find another house. However, once the agreement is signed, he knows the funds are going to be available and he can start looking for a house right away. He does not need the funds in hand to start looking. If you were both selling the house and moving to another house, you would not wait to close the sale and have the funds before you started looking for a house to purchase.

9. In his letter, SU's Shark also makes the point that by using a retirement age of 65 to value both of your pensions, you have realized an advantage. I have calculated it to be about $8,000. If you had used earlier retirement dates to value both of your pensions, the equalization payment would have been about $8,000 more. You might consider this as an offset to SU's obligation to pay child support for Rebel – but if that is the case it only offsets about 10 months of child support.

10. In his letter SU's Shark asks that the joint loan described in paragraph 20.1 be paid within a defined time frame or alternatively, suggests that if you pay SU $3,000 he will assume the loan. It would be preferable for you to pay the $6,000 on the joint loan and pay SU $3,000 less on the equalization payment and be done with it.

11. I will get my assistant to scan and e-mail the Shark's letter to you.

12. Please review the above and

13. How about we chat by phone before you arrange a session to review these points with your mediator.

Wordless Wednesday.

Celebrating 21.

With the Rebel's birthday this week I've been wondering what to do about a gift. I keep thinking that 21 requires a special momento gift but the girl wants an ipod touch... so that is what she will get. I also told SU that he had to buy it because I was broke and it would have to be from both of us. Given the to-do with RebelJunior's Camera - I don't think I need to pay for her birthday present. Let's not even talk about all the years I planned executed, spent money did everything for the birthdays without his active involvement. okay... I did go and get her a very cute handbag so will pop the ipod into the handbag and she will be surprised.

The meaningful gift will come at another time. Because her birth stone is a diamond I was thinking a diamond pendant or something else similar. Maybe Christmas instead.

Rebel Junior's 16th is two weeks from now too so that is also a big deal birthday. She's organizing an event at a local restaurant with her friends. Again, I wanted to get her jewelry of some kind but she wants clothes. Hollister or Guess jeans and blah blah blah.

So again, Christmas I think might be better for this type of thing. And given she's got the fancy camera ( can you see how much this thing irks me?) yes... I am getting past it - working on it - something way more modest is all she's getting. I reminded her about Rebel's 16th when I did NOTHING - because Rebel was such a Rebel that I couldn't bring myself to celebrate anything. I told RJ she was heading in the same direction.

Haven't heard from the Barracuda yet on the separation agreement. If I get nothing by Wednesday I'll call the office and demand an appointment to sign off and get done.

Thursday Thirteen.

13 things to do this next week from now
til next Thursday besides waiting for the call
from the lawyer to sign off the agreement.

1. Think about doing my taxes before April 30th
2. Screening candidates for a position in my library
3. Get the laptop wired and secure
4. The scrapbook pages are out of order. Fix that
5. Laundry - or just go to La Senza and buy new stuff instead
6. Put the winter boots and shoes away for the season 6b. - find the box with the summer sandals.
7. Snow tires need to be removed
8. SIM card on cell is messed up. What's that about?
9. Pick up RJ's repaired CELL
10.Rebel's 21st next week. Get a fancy cake for the dinner
11.Prepare speech for conference
12.Conference call for re org of part of the professional organization - Hammer time! (channeling my favourite mentor)
13.Did I mention taxes? where are my receipts?

Wordless Wednesday.

Highly Interesting.

Had the first email ever today - seriously - ever - from SU. It was addressed to the mediator. SU expressed his "surprise" at my cancellation of last week's session. He apologized. Why? Who knows. Regardless, he has agreed to a "third party meeting" to discuss "rules for RJ." And he put "RULES" in "QUOTES" WhatEv. So... I guess I will go ahead and set up a crack your head open session with a family counsellor to do just this. This should prove to be highly interesting. His last sentence was... as soon as possible and in a timely fashion. yeah yeah yeah.

I also found two empty scotch bottles in the garage hidden in paperbags.

Yeah.. that's subtle.

Pretty Low Key.

I made to Easter Liturgy for the last bit of the Matins Service that started at 7 AM. I am so not good in the morning. The liturgy started at 8 AM and by 9:30 we were done. I love when Easter Sunday morning is all bright and sunny with no snow on the ground.

The family was still asleep when I rolled in so I had a peaceful breakfast - two slices of my extraordinarily good Easter Bread with fresh butter. ummmm

The SU went out for the day. Apparently construction at other people's houses tends to trump respect for the holiday or for any type of family gathering - so I went ahead and planned our late brunch without him.

Rebel was pissed. "What's with him *working* on Easter?" Rebel and her boyfriend went to visit his grandfather - Rebel Junior has been vegetarian for almost a year now so ham isn't in her repertoire for now so it was pretty low key all the way around. I was fine with that. It's what I like about Easter. No presents. The girls were NOT keen to hunt for chocolate eggs - I hid them anyway. One chocolate bunny each. I was done. Simple in keeping with the reason for the holiday in my opinion.

SU ate canned salmon when he walked in at supper time. I am beyond saying anything. Why bother. He clearly has no clue or interest in family and I have given up any expectation.

Easter Eggs Extraordinaire.

Easter Blessed.

Thursday Thirteen

13 things to get ready for the Blessing of Easter Food Service at Church on Saturday

1. Easter Bread = babka or paska to bake on Thursday afternoon I expect
2. & 3. eggs - hard boiled at least 4-6 - turn them into deviled eggs which is ironic for Easter Sunday brunch
4. & 5. cheese cheddar and cream
6. Butter in some kind of pretty dish with a little garnish
7. ham
8. kobasa - from the polish store since there is no Ukrainian butcher in this city!
9. Ukrainian Easter eggs - pysanky for decoration/colour
10. the traditional beets/horseradish relish (to eat with the ham and/or eggs if they're not deviled)
11. & 12. salt & pepper
13. A bottle of wine

okay... I cheated... so... it's my blog I'll cheat if I want. Watch for photos of the basket on Saturday's blog after the service late afternoon.

Wordless Wednesday.

No Surprises.

I heard nothing from the SU after I cancelled the planned meeting with the mediator. No surprise. Mind you he's hiding in the basement - hockey game tonight. He won't be around except between periods. I don't expect he'll go for counselling. It scares him.

I've noticed that he's emptied the book shelf in the living of most of his books. He left one behind that I bought him a couple of years ago. It was autographed by the author but I don't think he even read it. Interesting story that. The author was visiting our city and he called from work to tell me was going to go a book reading with one of the teachers - female - at his school. This was shortly after he dropped the bomb in the days when I was acting quite irrationally. Almost at the wacky lady stage. I was seriously insecure and who wouldn't have been given the situation. I guess when I ripped through him over the phone ending up with a serious hang up - land lines are so much better for that sort of thing - he "re set" and decided to come home instead of go hear the author.

About six weeks later the author was back so I went with a friend stood in line for about an hour, bought the book (hard cover which I rarely buy) and had it autographed. I did feel a little bad for how I reacted and was trying to apologize.

Unfortunately the SU has never been gracious in accepting gifts. Not from me, not from his children or anyone else from what I've learned. He never did read the book. Which does make me wonder why he wanted to go to the reading. I suspect the fantasy girl was probably attending so he wanted to chase after her in his creepy way. I will probably sell the book at my planned yard sale if he leaves it behind.

Attachment and Separation.

The Saturday retreat with the church ladies was a lovely intimate affair. We were at a friend's house - there were ten of us including two wives of priests. One had mother in law issues , the other - like the rest of us - a wild child.... We started with our facilitator giving us a talk about children and mothers... from the very start she said there are attachment separation issues from even before birth. IN order for a fetus to grow - it must attach itself to the mother's womb and placenta. If it doesn't do this, there will be no baby. IN order for a baby to be born - it must separate from the placenta and womb and decide to come into the world. In neither case does the mother have any control on these processes. And there it starts. Attachment and separation - and mothers without control. And so went our day. A fascinating look at how we relate to our children - what we have to do to create attachment and yet... separate many times over through the years as they grow. It was a very good day.

And it led me to make the decision to not meet with the mediator again today to discuss the family parenting issues. No point. I told the mediator in an email copying the SU and the partner mediator who was to do the session the following:

I've decided that a one hour mediation session isn't the way I want to go. I don't have the confidence that a lawyer - notwithstanding his expertise as a mediator or his four children - is what is needed to deal with the issues I've identified - instilling responsibility, creating boundaries, a set of family values. Nothing has worked for the last 20 years so I have no expectations that 1 hour with a lawyer is going to change anything. I also believe that for the price of a lawyer/mediator we could have and should have almost three one hour sessions with a family therapist who works with family breakdown and dysfunctional situations. Family therapy is covered by health insurance thereby the money spent is returned through the plans." I included the necessary apology for wasting their time, but really, is the SU going to change because we go to a one hour session?

How many times has the leopard
changed his spots?

Waiting for the Weekend.

The mediator sent a note apologizing for the delays. She was sick for a week. She should have said something - it's customer service regardless of the profession. So the agreement is going to the barracuda. I told her - the barracuda that I wanted this expedited at this point. Shall see when I hear back.

The mediator also suggested a session with her partner who has plenty of "experience" with parents on the "non-legal" issues. So I in my smart ask way ask "oh really. why? Does he have a psychology degree or is he a shrink as well as a lawyer?" So even though a lawyer's hour is going to cost me double what a therapist charges, I said I would agree to a separate mediation on parenting issues. The SU as expected has not responded. It's Monday or not at all.

The Rebel tells me that she suspects the SU of drinking - in private in the garage. Today, after I got a whiff of his breath as he was talking at me, I had to agree. Hmmm

I am so waiting for the weekend. Our women's retreat from church is Saturday and I am really looking forward to this. Our facilitator is a woman who runs a retreat house in the city and I've heard nothing but very good things about the work she does.

Thursday Thirteen.

1. IF the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.
2. Take life with a pinch of salt.. a wedge of lime, and shot of tequila ( except during Lent!)
3. In need of a support group? Cocktail hour with the girls (virgin cocktails during Lent!)
4. Go on a 30 day diet (40 during Lent) I'm on it - so far - I've lost 15 days.
5. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
6.I know I'm in my own little world - that's okay... they know me here.
7. Lead me not into temptation I can find it myself.
8. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
9. When life gives you lemons, turn it into lemonade... then mix with vodka... except during Lent.
10. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit.
11. Keep your chin up - only the first 40 years of parenting are hard.
12. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who KNOWS she's wrong.
13. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble!

Wordless Wednesday.