Thirteen on Thursday.

13 words for LAWYER....

none of them mean Mediator

1. counsel
2. counselor
3. solicitor
4. barrister
5. attorney
6. jurist
7. prosecutor
8. lawgiver
9. suit
10. advocate
11. shark
12. shyster
13. pettifogger

Wordless Wednesday.

Going with the system.

After stewing all weekend with the mortgage issue and trying to decide what to do with the mediation stuff... I decided I had to do what the SU termed... "going with the system." He has been known to have a good one once every couple of years so I have to give him this one.

There are systems for everything. You get in a car accident - there is a system... you are getting married... there is a system... You go to the hospital... there is a system. An ebb and flow to each system and you kind of have to go with it. So in this marriage breakdown thing... there is a system.

I have a She-barracuda - I am paying her to help me.. I have to trust her judgment and go with her best advice.

So she found me a lawyer mediator. Someone who does mediation full time, no lawyering.. at a reasonable amount of money - more than the chosen mediator, less than a suit -

She rightly believes that if I don't give on this issue, SU will want to go high speed litigation... because he is an ass and would like to hold a grudge and fight. So.. I will let this one go. No, I am NOT giving in or giving up... I am getting ready. He doesn't want to mediate I don't believe. He wants to get in and deal with every gripe, every perceived slight, every slight and get to me. I say... WHatEvEr!

I am taking my paperwork and financial information to the financial divorce specialist lady... and she is going to help me put together the money piece. When SU's own family is saying to me... do NOT give him a single piece of your assets... law or no law... it's clear he has no support. The financial piece is the key to this thing.

We also have a ton of work to do with the girls. SU believes there is a no issue with custody or living arrangements. That is so not the end of the story. These girls of mine need counseling. Family counseling. That will be a serious condition in these mediation efforts. Nothing will be signed off at my end without some special facilitated family time. He will be seriously afraid.

I realized too... I have this army of women working for me and with me. Girl Power! He has no idea what he is about to be hit with!

None.

Taking this fecking eejit down!

Thanks Rudy for my new favourite phrase.
Two things sent me through the roof today.

The mortgage is up for renewal. As usual, SU left the docs sitting on the kitchen table which was my usual sign to pick things up and take action. Well by now the separation was to have been done and the house settled... with me. Things don't always happen the way we want. Of course the bank won't grant an extension... not for any reason. God forbid that the bank, the TD Canada Trust in this case, have a compassionate bone in their corporate greedy entities. Not going to happen. So if SU doesn't sign off on the renewal, the mortgage goes into arrears and both our credit ratings go to hell. Great! This should be fun. AS IF we'll be able to settle this before the end of the month.

And it gets better. We've been negotiating on getting a mediator. My choice is someone who is not a lawyer but who is well versed in mediation practices, who has years of experience in all forms of family martial separation agreements. The SU's lawyer has said that we *must* use a lawyer skilled in mediation, because our separation isn't about custody, something better handled by non lawyer mediators but someone skilled in legal financial questions and separation. This is an argument so full of holes I didn't know where to begin. Last I checked custody issues are also defined by legal overview under the Child Protection Act, the Family Law Act and at least one or two Acts within my jurisdiction. I told my She Barracuda that I couldn't speak at the moment because I was so seriously, absolutely pissed off with himself.

My theory is that SU thinks we are going to get into counselling rather than mediating a deal. I believe he is scared. He'd rather pay two lawyers a combined hourly rate of over %500 than get things mediated for under $100 per hour and then have his suit review an agreement. I think his suit is just lazy and doesn't want to do any of the final work that a real counsellor is supposed to do.

I wasted this afternoon doing research on mediation, and lawyers vs non lawyers, difference in costs etc as well as defining what is meant by mediation. I will be sending this to my Shebarracuda on Monday morning.

At the same time, I will have to confront the SU about this and the mortgage question. Interestingly, I have an army of people to back me. I have friends and support . He can't even get his own family to back him up.

So.... I believe I will have to start using some of the leverage I have built up and take this fecking eejit down.

Finally Friday!

I went to RebelTweeny's school today for "Follow your kid's timetable" to learn about her new school and classes. She is at the school where her dad, the Spousal Unit teaches rather than going to the school in our district. I am okay with that... its a good school and I know some of the teachers.

I learnt that I am not seeing any notes or reports or other information, as RT gets dad to sign off on things and no one brings me notes home, because "dad knows all about this." I told them both, I am a parent too, I am interested in what goes on at school and how you are doing. Everything comes home please . You want dad to sign. That's fine. (it will be the first time ever he's actually been involved) But I expect to see everything. I am now on several email lists with her teachers. Score one for the mom!

And then...

I finally saw for the first time... the SU's fantasy woman. The one he was going to leave me for way back ages ago when he first dropped the bomb. The one who didn't know he existed. What a weird feeling that was. I've never told the whole "how it started story" on my blog, I will have to do that some time. Reader's Digest version is... a week after I got the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech" I learnt that SU had a crush on a woman he worked with. She never knew. She had a boyfriend that SU didn't know about. He really truly believed he could make something happen with her. And of course, she is 20 years younger than him.

I am just very glad now for all my buddies at the Divorce busting board who helped me keep my sanity as I was tempted to go off and stalk her and do all sorts of nutbar things. It was all in his head. And from what I have since learnt... NOTHING would have EVER come of it. He would have seriously embarrassed himself. In a way it's too bad that never happened! She, like many people he works with, does not have a high opinion about him personally. As a teacher, I have heard all right things, but as a person... whole other story.

I digress.. it was still weird. When her name was announced and I saw her face to face. I had to think hard... do I talk to her or not. HMMMM say anything ... something? Nope... I've got four years at this school. Save the nutbar behaviour for when you really need it girl. But I checked her out pretty good, and gave her more than a once over... probably enough to make her feel uncomfortable But I had no reason to chat her up yet.... so I didn't. Knowing how the SU had influence over RT's timetable, I am thinking he's going to make sure RT never has her as a teacher.

I am sooooo glad it's Friday.

It's going to be serious drinks time when I walk in the door after work.

Thirteen on Thursday

13 miscellaneous things,
or can I use the EF word in almost every Thing?

1.The former she-boss had the fecking gall to send me a "we're BFF" email. "Dear Marie. How ARE you? I never see you. You and the SU still divorcing? " I mean WTF??? She is up to something. She has a motive. AS IF I would respond!
2. I confess... I missed a meeting last night and didn't call the chair to tell her I wasn't coming. I was just too effing tired. I was to give a presentation. Volunteer stuff. I could feel the blood sugar levels dropping and decided it made more sense to go home then to go to yet another meeting after work.
3. Found the receipt for the shoes RT wants to return. Trouble is she returned them to the store and got a store credit. Zero patience. It's the third freakin' pair of shoes she's returned to this store. You'd think we'd get the drift by now wouldn't you.
4. I am seriously thinking of Lily's solution to my house problems. Pitch the SU bring in the BF. Got a whole lot more effing work done around here.
5. Rebel coming home today. The cardiologist has her on new diuretics. The kid says... "ma... I am like fuckin' peeing every half hour." I hafta roll my eyes before I tell her to stop being vulgar - even if she is sick!
6. The new man-boy boss is pretty good. He asks questions, dresses like a manager ( that is a shirt with a collar, sleeves and pressed trousers - BUT he really should wash the hair on a daily basis. It's longish and effin' greasy. blech. Ruins his cool,serious, geek look.
7. WHO stole ( oops! borrowed perhaps?) my brand new Makeup Forever $20 mascara. Funny how things have a bad habit of just disappearing out of the GD ffing bathroom... make up drawer. We know Rebel is not guilty, and last I heard... SU isn't using women's cosmetics...
8. Why can't people put their dishes into the dishwasher instead of hand washing them and leaving them on the counter? What's the fucking point???
9. I just remembered I took my winter boots to the shoe store to have the zippers fixed. They've been there all summer. I guess I should get them out of hock before he sells them or something. Yikes!
10. Why does it bother people that other people like to make the bed in the morning and have it all perfect for bed time?
11. Potatoes ( hash brown style) or brown basmati rice with dinner?
12. Doesn't it make more sense to get the garbage taken out or at least have ready to put by the curb the night before rather than trying to beat the garbage collectors to the curb in the morning?
13. I have my annual check up with the doc next week. He and I have become fast friends this past year. I hope I don't see him for a full year after the check up is done. Fifty-ish hormones... pre-menopausal, full-throttle, screaming, loud freakiness. I think I'd like to have a mid life crisis about now. Hope he can give me something for that!
In the 25 years I've known the SU... he has NEVER EVER had a full complete ( and I mean full complete) check up with his doctor... ever not at all. He did go one year, but never followed up on the tests the doc ordered. Again I say... WTF??? All part of his bizarre nature. Fear.

Wordless Wednesday

A Happy Girl!

Rebel is very happy. As expected, her cardiologist's main resident came up to her floor, reviewed her chart and the next thing you know things started happening. It was pretty amazing how fast things can work when the boss gets things going.

Rebel had 2.5 litres of fluid taken out of her belly. No doubt they'll run tests on it, and more blood work, and ultrasounds... but already she is feeling the difference. This can only be a good thing.
Her diuretics are going to be increased for a short time frame to see how much she can lose through her system. She was told she would probably be released "in a few days." She is thinking Wednesday.

SU visited her for a couple of hours on Sunday - took the RebelTweeny with him. Rebel sort of read him the riot act on his lack of action around the house noting the BF's interest in getting things done around the place. The BF has a list of things he'd like to do for us, and I may just put him to work given SU's lack of interest.

I am glad it's a new week. No more big meetings for a while now. I am going to be at work counting on getting some projects moved forward and doing the fun stuff.

I am expecting that next Saturday will be a serious sleep in day. Black drapes shut, no noise anywhere, and no possibility of getting up for the coffee and paper til nearly noon. This getting up at 6:30 AM EVERY day of the week... not good for a person who is not what one would call a morning person on a good day.

Observations.

The docs were all nervous because Rebel "just fell" down... We now believe the weight of school books, a purse with junk in it that weighs a ton, plus a belly full of fluid combined with low blood pressure meant weak legs and ka-bam! Down she went. The docs were all worried that she had passed out. She hadn't. And it took a ton of convincing anyway. BUT the docs felt she should be under 48 hour observation so back into the hospital she went. This time she is at Heart Institute itself. A private room a decent telephone and your typical hospital tv. Her blood work - all normal. Electrolytes... ok... her cholesterol... a tad high.

The good thing in all of this, is because she is now inside rather than out... we are hoping that her cardiologist will order up the tests have the fluid drained while she is in. It would help.

A couple of things I heard today. A new guy on our board from out west - has a 24 yr old nephew diagnosed with cardiomyopathy at age 14. They figure he probably had it from about age 9. He was on a heart transplant list... He has recovered to 40% heart function which is very good. Most hearts function at 50%. Today he is an emergency med technician - works a full day. Can't ever play ice hockey again, but he does play ball hockey. He has an internal defibrillator that helps regulate his heart beat and takes meds every day... and is doing very very well.

We met a young woman on Rebel's floor today. She had a baby four months ago. Her docs thought she had postpartum depression, anxiety, viral pneumonia etc etc. Turns out her heart function was less than 10%. Today, she is on a heart transplant list. She is starting the road to recovery. Her mom and her husband are taking care of her new baby. Now the docs figure that she *might* have had pneumonia, but that some how she had post partum induced cardiomyopathy. She is 31 years old. She and Rebel are now bonding as they are the two youngest on the ward.

Interestingly the nurses are telling us they are seeing more and more of this kind of heart disease as a result of viruses. Weird eh?

I came home tonight and saw a huge carton of ramen type noodles sitting on the kitchen table. You don't have to be a heart disease patient to know that the nutritional value of this crap is a big fat ZERO and that ramen noodles with powdered flavour is nothing more than cheap noodles with salty flavoured water. Sodium in these things is through the roof. I asked the SU "WTF? WHY would you buy that shit?" He gave me some song and dance story about the price and blah blah.
"But it's crap" I said,, "and you know this. We all need to support Rebel as a family and do what we can to eat well, and better and just not have this stuff in the house. There is no need for it. "
I tell you... All I heard back, was "I eat better than all you. I'm the one who eats the fruit, I'm the one who doesn't eat any junk food. You have nerve, telling me what to eat." I roll my eyes... "Here's the thing" I told him. "it's NOT about YOU!. If you bring crap into the house, it's in temptation's way. We don't need this stuff in the house. Please do NOT buy it anymore. If it's not here. No one misses it. Do you get what I mean?"
And typically.... the SU walked away from me muttering.
It's always about him. WhatEvEr.

I am enjoying a pinot grigio, taking a book to bed and having a relaxing evening. Let the SU mutter away and believe me to be the bitch he's trying to make me out to be. It's HIS problem not mine.

I took the 12 pack of ramen noodles and threw them out!

Friday File.

Poor Rebel. She can't get a break. She fell at school yesterday, chipped her front tooth, got a fat lip and various cuts and bruises. The family doc thinks that the fluid retention in her belly coupled with her low blood pressure caused her legs to just give out. Family doc not pleased with her belly fluid and is going to see if we can't get all the tests needed sped up so that the fluid can be drained sooner rather than not so soon. Rebel loves her straight white teeth and is mortified to have a chip in it. She says that between the chipped tooth, the belly and the yucky clothes she is wearing...she is going to get a 1980s hair do! and them move to a trailer park! At least she does have some sense of a humour.

The beauty of the Canadian medical system is we have a good cardiologist, super Heart Institute, and we don't pay anything for this except through taxation. BUT we wait and wait and wait. No ultra sound until the end of month and follow up a week after that. The docs are way too busy ; they aren't now and as of about five minutes ago, she is moving things along a whole lot quicker. Rebel is headed for an ultra sound this morning instead of waiting the three weeks as originally scheduled. This is a good thing. Will see how things progress. It would appear that SU is taking her for her med rounds today. Interesting that he has found the time. I am hoping guilt is involved.


The SU is on his own path. His birthday was last weekend. I gave the girls money to get him a birthday present I mean really... what else was I to do? I asked them if they wanted to do anything else, and they said no. So I didn't bother with a family dinner or cake. I don't feel bad about that at all. I don't EVER remember, even during the good years, the SU getting me a cake for my birthday... not ever. He, as usual, wallowed.

Rebel's boyfriend asked him if he ever golfed. He barked out, a 'NO! I HATE golf!" I shook my head. How would he know? He's never played. Even I've gone golfing. The BF was trying to bond and take him to the driving range. The jackass lost out on that opportunity. The BF walked away.

SU is pushing the meditation process. He and/or his shark have suggested yet another shark for the mediation. AS IF! Pay another lawyer?! I think not. I told my She-Barracuda that I would NOT give in on this one. That one lawyer was enough to pay. I checked in with my mediator guy, got him to give me some references and a little more about his experience and told my She-Barracuda, that just because she didn't know this guy didn't me he wasn't good and I was not going to budge on what I wanted. She was welcome to call him but he was my guy.

I will tell the SU this to his face. I mean given all the crap we have to go through with Rebel, I really do NOT have the strength to keep going through mediation as well. Rebel is hurting... emotionally, psychologically as well as physically. She takes things to heart... and tries to fix things. She cannot fix this, but she doesn't need to be the shoulder her sister needs to lean on either. It's just not good.

I will tell SU to take a long walk on a short pier. He's just going to have to suck up what he wants and stop being selfish. If he can't put aside his pathetic needs to run away and just focus on what Rebel needs, he's not much of a father at all. But we already know this! If he attempts to push me, that is, put his needs ahead of his daughter's.. his reputation, what's left of it, will be impaired even more. Those who know him will have no respect for a man who pushes this way. And I can make sure that EVERYBODY he knows is aware of his behaviour. It won't be difficult at all. And I don't even have to go from zero to bitch either.

I have board meetings all weekend. Strategic planning and the regular business of my professional association. It's going to be a busy weekend. Believe me, I will find time for a drink or two and some R&R.

Have a good weekend.

Thirteen on Thursday.

13 words or phrases
I have been hearing or reading A LOT lately

1. "MO-THUR!" RebelTweeny's word for mother.
2. "I have a question" Rebel... and it is usually followed by something like... "do you think I can go on birth control pills?"
3. "I don't see why not?" Response to anything from the SU to the RT.
4. "What time is it?" RT when asked to get out of bed in the morning.
5. "Mediation" - seeing that a lot lately from the She-Barracuda.
6. "Sleep" not enough.
7. "Gel nails" loving them!
8. Pantyhose" forcing them on - first time since mid May ugh.
9. " budgets" self explanatory.
10. "Legal action" in response to not moving fast enough on no. 5!
11. " Scotch" see 9.
12. "Ask Marie" at meetings this week... organizing committee.
13." WhatEvEr" my responses to most of 1-12!

Wordless Wednesday

Everything Has Rhythm.

Back to the routine of school and activities. Back to the rhythm and dance of making lunches, driving to after school dance classes, swim classes and all the rest of it.

RebelTweeny is getting into her new school it seems. She has homework already and understands that being her father's daughter means no messing around. Shall see how long that lasts.

Rebel too is back at school. I drive her in the morning and she takes the bus home. Next week, I won't be around much to drive her so I am hoping she'll be able to manage. The bus for her is no big deal, it's getting to the bus stop that has to take her to school in the morning that is the issue.

Rebel has lost weight... her clothes are all baggy on her. The only problem is the fluid retention in her belly still makes her look five months pregnant. She loves the idea of new clothes, but the belly thing is frustrating. She is hoping that at her appointment next week with her cardiologist they'll be able to come up with some plan to help with that.

She still doesn't eat much or the right way, and this concerns me. She is still having a tough time learning how to graze five to six times rather than going for three squares... or waiting til she's absolutely starving and then the sore tummy kicks in or the barf... which none of us enjoy!

SU as expected did NOTHING all summer. Nothing that needed fixing or finishing was touched. SU other than visiting his family for three weeks out east did nothing for two and half months. Now he's on my case about paying down debts. I believe he's referring to the fact that I took money from our line of credit and I am not paying it down. I am looking after my own credit card debt and have decided until we separate to not worry about the joint stuff. It's not worth my worrying over.

It's a hot humid day today... probably one of the last of the summer. I am going to enjoy it after the work day is done.

Thirteen on Thursday

13 frivolous things I can't live without...

well... I could....

1. Cup of peppermint and chamomile tea at bedtime
2. Bailey's in my coffee on the weekends
3. Murder mysteries
4. Red shoes... summer sandals and winter pumps
5. Dvd player for movies
6. CD player..and music (not quite anmp3 user or player yet)
7. Scotch- single malt preferably Dalwhinnie
8. Great sharp knives in the kitchen ( not quite frivolous I don't believe)
9. Blow dryer
10. Running shoes - so I don't have to walk far in the high heels
11. Electric toothbrush
12. Mom's fur coat
13. Heating pad in my bed for the cold feet

Now THAT'S a CAT!

He Just Isn't.

I really don't know if the SU is as clued out as he makes out or what his problem is, but a regular, engaged, on-top-of- it father he isn't. There are days when I think I need to change the name of this blog to something to do with parenting nightmares!

RebelTweeny has a friend staying the weekend. The two of them made plans to see a movie. That's fine. Apparently

"dad knows all the details mom!"

ok... that is good. So around 7:30 pm ish... SU dropped the girls off at the theatre. I did ask what movie they were going to see before they left. It's a good thing I did.

After I've been scrap booking a couple of hours I figured I'd better check the time... and it's now at least 2 1/2 hours since the girls left. The movie theatre is less than 10 minutes away, and most movies only last two hours max. Why haven't they called?

So I looked up the movie on the website and I see if they did go to the early show it would have been done about half an hour ago. As I check things I see the friend left her cell phone at our place. RT doesn't have a cell and I would swear that the concept of a pay phone and how to use it eludes her.

I yelled at the SU through his closed AND LOCKED door... in his upstairs cave... "what time are you picking up the girls?"
"They said they'd call," he says.
"Yeah well, the girl left her cell behind and from what I can tell, the movie ended over half an hour ago"
"So what do you want me to do?" SU asks me.
I sigh... and ask, "what time were they planning on seeing the movie?"
He responds.."I didn't really get that from them."

So he didn't ask for anything. He didn't have any details aside from "call me when you're ready to come home" which is NOT the same as "call me when the movie ends." I roll my eyes, and suggested that perhaps he needed to go to the theatre and find them, as according to the website the movie was over half an hour ago.

"RT will use a pay phone. What's she gonna do? WALK home?" I told him that yes... she would walk home.
So I sent the SU off with my cell phone just in case the girls called, after showing him how to turn on the thing to accept a call.

The girls arrive home and sure enough... they "wouldn't use a stupid pay phone." Apparently neither of them HAD the 50 cents needed and they were NOT going to ask an adult for help. I had a little chat about that. SU left the room!

They handed me some story about the movie starting 45 minutes after the time stated in the website. I told them I usually found the website quite reliable because people used it to buy tickets.

And indeed... they were planning on walking home rather than ask to use a phone or to borrow 50 cents for a call until her dad arrived and could pay someone back. I told RT as SU sauntered back into the room, that next time there were plans made I would like to help to ensure the details and their safety and perhaps a better plan so that they were not stranded again without so much as a nickel to get home.

So the thing is, I have to go out of town for two days and I wonder what nonsense these girls might get up to because Dad doesn't get the point of asking for details. He locks himself up into a room, there is no phone in that room. I lock my bedroom because I am tired of RT taking my things and not asking or returning them, so he isn't going to hear the phone there either. How the hell does he play dad without engaging himself?

I imagine I will have to leave him some sort of check list or something while I am away so he is semi clued in to ensuring RT's safety and places some kind of boundaries around her. It boggles my mind. RT of course thinks I am being "stupid" and as usual, SU blithely goes along. If I hadn't said anything last night, I am sure those girls were going to walk. It's not that long, and it's mostly safe, but really.... ?!?!?!

Today is a gorgeous sunny day, and I have my newspaper, coffee & Baileys( just a wee dram) AND a book on my quarterdeck. Last long weekend of the summer!

It seems to go faster every passing year.