What part of "when the agreement is signed" don't you understand?

"Can we go today and switch the car registrations?"
"No, I am busy today."
Well, when are we going to get this done?"
"I believe we have an agreement waiting for your signature that provides an answer."
" Well, I could just go out there and put a For Sale sign on your sedan and you would be forced to drive the station wagon."
"Knock yourself out. Go right ahead. I suggest you read the agreement that you brought us to before you do that. Or better ask your lawyer what he thinks of that idea. Oh and....
"Did I mention I could then turn around and change the locks on the doors, sell your tools and be done with it as well."

I love a great Saturday morning disussion.

Razor Burn.

What is it about men and their razors? I, of course, learned looooong ago that borrowing a man's razor to shave your legs and other body parts is just not on. I learned that if you really want to set a man on edge, drive him completely mental - and not in a good way- use his razor on your legs. You will hear about it. Usually. That's just they way they are. Husbands in particular - don't seem to cut their wives any slack on this one. Newlywed, sex three times a day, whatever, nothing works with the razor question.

But teen age daughters - particularly at the RebelJunior phase don't seem to care much about this fact and major father irritant.

RJ regularly borrows dad's razor. She has her own. A lovely pink Venus with blades that are regularly upgraded changed and replaced. Yet she seems to like the Gillette 6 blade thing that is all torqued in orange and blue. She also likes dad's hairbrush. Need I mention dad doesn't have a lot of hair to give it a good run through and RJ thinks the brush is wasted on his head.

Earilier this week SU - who is never in great humour at the beginning of any day- came barging into the bathroom as I was applying eye liner. He was all huffy and puffy and snorting through his nose but didn't say anything. As I found some make up remover and calmly removed eye liner from my cheek I asked every so casually " looking for something?"

SU replied in that grumpy morning voice of his, " I can't find my brush and my razor isn't where I left it. Oh! THERE it is!" And he reached over into the bathtub and grabbed it from the ledge as he huffed and puffed some more and muttered under his breath. He does that a lot these days....the muttering under the breath thing.

As he is standing there holding a hair brush in one hand, his orange and blue beloved razor in the other, stubbly face and tufts of silver hair gone wild standing on end I'm reminded of Alistair Sim as Ebenezer Scrooge - the movie and thinking - Ebenezer is far more attractive than this muttering middle aged dad.

And so I responded to him the way he responded to me when I was concerned about how RJ was behaving. the one he threw out at me on Monday this week. ( see blog Monday 17th) She's a teenager! They ALL do that. He looked at me, said nothing and stomped down the stairs.

Interesting how when they're being teen agers and it has a direct impact on his day it just doesn't fall the same way.

Really???

I am going to have to figure out a way to insist that the SU take co-parenting classes or counseling once the separation deed has been done. Yet again, Rebel Junior - and she is becoming *quite* the Mini-Me - has her father so wrapped around her finger that he is in complete denial.

He has started using the same mantra as his older brother does around his daughter - "They're teen agers! What do you expect?"
I expect when I say please call at 11 PM so we can pick you up that she'll call.
I expect when I call on her cell phone - the one I pay for - that she'll pick up - the first time!
I expect respectful conversations when we talk -

And the response I get when none of the above happens is - "stop putting 'the hammer' to her - she's a teen ager - they all act like that!"

Really?

When I learned that she'd been drinking alcohol at the party she was at and that she came home drunk - SU 's response was "she's a teen ager - they ALL drink at that age."

Really?

Age 15 and they ALL drink? I think not. Rebel Junior is already out-rebelling the Rebel! She didn't touch alcohol til she was 17 at least. My American friends need to understand that legal drinking age is either 18 or 19 depending where one lives. Not 21.
"So you don't think it's a problem that she is drinking?"
"Well the parents were home at the house she was at. I don't see what I can do about it now."

Really?
That's the best he's got.

He also told me I put down 'the hammer' - whatever that means - when I told RJ when we finally spoke at midnight that no she could not sleep over at her friend's house as this was not planned in advance and I didn't appreciate the last minute request, nor, more importantly, did I appreciate her being rude to me over the phone as I asked her to please get the address of the house she was at so her father could pick her up.

She hung up on me.

I called and woke up another parent, got the phone number, did a reverse search and got an address. I called the house and told the mother to please keep RJ at the house and to please tell her that her father was coming to get her. She left the house and went to another friend's and the SU had to go find her there. She is lucky he went to get her and not me.

Oh... she's "just a teenager" who has her dad jumping through hoops even better than her sister ever could.

Born-again Father
or
just plain jackassery?

Pain you can't fix.

Haven't accomplished much this weekend. I had wanted to have a list of mediation books up for Friday, but the library didn't get them together for me. They're coming. AND Blondie needs a break today! It's up to me to get the blog running for the next few days or so! IF things don't look right - it's because my technical blogger person is dealing with her own life!

RJ seems to be asking for permission rather than just taking off these days - don't know what this all about. I'm happy she's thinking before acting..... but I am suspicious. Poor kid can't win.

Rebel Adult left her dog here with us. She and the BF took off Friday afternoon to buy a birthday present for some child and never returned. I called her and let her know we were not responsible for her dog - even if we love it!

I had plans to try and head out with friends on Saturday evening but the pain in my hip makes going out and doing stuff a pain frankly! I ended up back in the hot tub at another friend's instead. The hot tub helped in the short term but created an usual pain in another way.

This one - she is a drunken mess. She is a wino of the first order. She knows it. Her husband knows it. She is as kind as kind could be, but she hasn't bottomed out - yet! She is a talented smart woman - except for the drinking part.


Her husband has cried on my shoulder but hasn't done much to deal with his own issues. I read him the riot act last night and told him he had to get his butt down to a local Al-Anon meeting - and sooner rather than later because I wasn't going to listen to him tell me any longer how he

1. hasn't had a physical relationship with his wife in ten years
2. he can't make her eat food
3 he can't get her to go out with friends or have company at the house
4 have a relationship with their daughters


Same old same old. It's sad. She knows she's a drunk, but she's afraid to not be a drunk. He enable her by making wine - He says if he stopped and she bought her wine they'd be broke.

This is a woman who is at least 5 years younger than me. She smokes, she is diabetic, and she drinks. She weighs in at maybe 104 pounds and looks 10 years older than me. And the thing is.... she knows she's slowly killing herself and won't do a thing about it.

What is that about?

It's been a quiet weekend. I haven't seen Rebel since she left the house on Friday for her doctor's appointment. No phone calls either. Nothing as she plays house with the BF. We did have to reach her as RJ was looking for the Play Station2 - something that is shared between both girls.. Turns out Rebel took it with her to the BF's apartment. The SU was fit to be tied. She said they needed it to watch a movie.

You have your computer I told her.
The screen isn't big enough.

I told her to get a DVD player and to please return the PS2 to the house asap as RJ was having a bunch of girls over and they wanted to do the Dance Dance Revolution. She suggested we come and pick it up where she was. I said GREAT Hang on I'll put your dad on the phone he is ready to head out there now. The thing is she doesn't want us anywhere near her BF's family on the other side of the river and we called her bluff. She had no argument. In the end, though she told us we'd get a PS2 to the house. The BF called his best buddy who lent us HIS PS2.

seriously!
What is that about?

I told him he shouldn't have done this and to take it up with his buddy, because now that I had his - he wouldn't get it back until ours was back in our basement where it belonged. He looked a little taken aback but no doubt he's beyond a PS2 and is into whatever the latest next thing is.

I still have a sore throat and a cough. I did see the doc on Friday who took a throat swab to make sure I didn't have a strep throat. She warned me that the cough and sore throat combo was popular this year and it did take some time to disappear. Great!

I have been walking every day so far. We are still on our 4 mile walk and seem to do it in about an hour as we vent over the day. The highlight is going by the fire station and catching the men as they wash the trucks or are firing up their barbecue. I swoon as I walk! I may have to take up some serious flirt action one of these days. No photos yet of the lads at the fire station, I will keep trying for appropriate action shots! Though this is taken on the path where we walk just BEHIND the fire station!

I wonder what my Meez over there on the side bar is reading. She keeps moving around that coach as if she is uncomfortable.... or something.

Having a Little Fun.

I finally got around to cleaning the fridge yesterday. It took me forever. AND I also cleaned the oven. UGH what a job.

I decided to have a little fun with it and switched things around in the fridge just to see if anyone noticed. After it was cleaned I changed the shelves and moved the large stuff from the left to right side and switched the bottom drawers around too. RebelJr didn't seem to care. Rebel, as usual, was not home And the SU said nothing.... until this morning as he went looking for his usual morning glass of carrot juice and whatever else he makes for his mid life concoctions.
"Did you change this?"
"Yes, I did"
"why- I can't find what I need and this side of the fridge is smaller."
"It looks the same to me, and I just wanted to do something different."
"You're not the only one in the house. I can't get my juice."
"It's still at the back - except it's back right instead of back left."
And the RebelJr pipes up - "Dad - it's just a fridge. You're being grumpy and too much like an old man. I don't care where the stuff is as long as it's in the fridge and it's Rebel who thought mom needed to clean it - so if you don't like it - YOU clean things next time instead of whining. It's not dignified for a dad of your age to be so grumpy!"

The SU took his breakfast drink concoction and left the kitchen. I said nothing. What was there to say?

Today - I shred again and deal with old clothes. Sort for the Diabetes Association and the consignment store.

Positively Karmic.

Karma must be changing for me. I hope so. My self mastery instructor, Trish, told me I have had a karma that needs to be fixed. I'm working on some stuff that she directed me towards as well as keeping a positive attitude and changing how I think about some things in life. That's the tough part isn't it - changing how we think about ourselves, our children, our relationships. It's not easy, but if life is going to be what I want then change has to happen.

I had a chat today with someone at work about the possibility of moving to his section. It would be a complete change of pace for me, yet somewhat related to what I do in a tangential kind of way. AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO THROUGH A HIRING PROCESS! I would come on down because ... I can! This has me very excited.

My new young man manager and I work together well too. He gets it. I get it. I want to help him do well. It is amazing how attitude and respect for each other translates into a mutually agreeable way to do business and enjoy it.

Now if I can make this work at work, perhaps I can make it work with RebelTween and the SU. The difference is SU can't make the changes. Trish tells me it's enough that I make the change because others subconscious has a way of falling into line when it notices that attitudes have shifted. This is somewhat the same thing said on the Divorce Busting website. Not that I am still thinking about busting this thing, but a different attitude will certainly help me move things along the way I want. Living it may also help Rebel in her healing if she observes my attitude and thinking.

I think any of us who have kids going to school we always look at September as the "real" new year. Fresh new clothes, new notebooks and pretty crayons not smashed down yet.
I am starting to feel good again.

It must be a new year approaching.

The Process Starts

As I notify "the local girls network" of all that is commencing the referrals for suited up sharks is making it's way in. I have an appointment to see my personal counsel next week. She's the one who takes care of my personal business - the will and stuff. I have my list in hand and will see what she has to say about the various suits - all men - on my list.

The specialist I have engaged for divorce financial planning - woman - has me geared to get the pension stuff going, (actuary assessments). HOWEVER, we can't do that unless I have an "official" date of separation, because the law says - even when you're co-habiting if a spouse has "checked out" mentally you can be considered separated. So first thing my personal counsel will do is check on spouse's separation date.

Now here's the thing - which check out date is the most relevant in my circumstance? Frankly - I believe it's November 13th 2000 when he hit me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you" bullshit and the "it's not you it's me" crap. Or should it be October 19, 2005 when I said "no" to sex at 1:00 AM in the morning and he turned his back on me like a petulant adolescent and wouldn't ever discuss why MY needs ( sleep on a week day night) were as important as his needs for sex. For spouse I believe his date will be December 2006 since he's quoted it at me at least three times. The night Rebel yelled get a divorce already!

That's the first question for my not as yet hired shark.

Spouse is apparently interested in mediation. The real answer here is NO he isn't but his lawyer is wisely telling him to do so. So... I will consider this as it is far less costly, HOWEVER I will be sufficiently coached by my not as yet hired shark to ensure I get what I can. AND we will hire the mediator I choose NOT the one his suit recommends.

Now for the
SHE IS TOTALLY ONE WHACKED CRAZY LADY
paragraph.

I took the lawyer's letter very carefully out of its envelope by steaming it open. I replaced the lawyer's letter with a couple of old notes from my stack of papers in an old file to make it look full. I then re sealed the envelope by using some of my scrap booking double sided tape and put the envelope back on the kitchen counter AS IF I hadn't opened yet. It's a sick game but I am enjoying myself as the spouse keeps re positioning the letter AS IF to get my attention, because of course, he is too much of a coward to hand it to me like a real man. As he keeps repositioning the envelope, so do I keep keep hiding it on the table or moving it to other spots "inadvertently"

Sick and sad... but mostly - from an observer's point of view I keep wondering..
"what's he gonna do next?"

So why am I doing this?
What is my motivation?
I suspect anger mostly. Just to piss him off. I am hoping, that in the end he'll call his suit, the suit will up the ante and then I can have my not yet hired shark tell the spouse's suit that he's full of shit - we dealt with this a week ago, so take it down a thousand and we'll get back to you!

It's control I want to be back in control, even if I am raging against what is being "done" to me. Even though I know intellectually it's for the best. But my brain is telling me to stay safe. It's gonna take work.

Back to low and slow breathing.

Changing my mind

So this weekend workshop was pretty fascinating. The point being made by the teacher was that the limbic brain - the part of the brain between the brain stem and the cerebral cortex - is the part that controls most of our reactions to daily life. If we can understand how the limbic brain works, we can understand *why* we do what we do.

The limbic brain is the part that is second oldest in terms of evolution. While the brain stem controls the automatic things we do - breathing, heart beat, the limbic systems control emotions and reactions. Fight or flight responses and feelings.

So take it a step further - emotions are all chemical reactions. The limbic system prefers safe to different - so *most * of our behaviours are programmed at the cellular level through chemical reactions from our emotions from before our own time. They are genetic imprints. So even if what we are doing does NOT make sense, our limbic system is saying subconsciously to keep doing it,because you survived it, you are safe. That is all it knows. And this conditioning is not reflective of time or circumstance. It doesn't recognize these. It only understands safe survival.

So... changing these deeply held patterns and programmes is very hard to do, because of the body's need to survive and be safe. Anything new or different is not safe.

So re-programming has to take place at a really deep level so that - we can change patterning that we have no control over, so that our limbic system learns to understand what the *new* safe is, and the chemical reactions causing emotions and reactions can be dealt with.

It's waaaaaay more complicated than this, and it takes more than a two day workshop to get this kind of stuff managed. But she has some hard core scientific evidence for her work. Based on her own health when traditional medical science didn't work.

Much of this patterning and conditioning is in utero - it's chemical and is passed on, and it's in place before we are five years old. AND MOST of any reaction we have can be traced somehow to conditions in our childhood. (one more thing we parents get the blame for... but... any example we looked at this weekend all fit!)

Interesting thing about the attendees at this workshop. One adorable married couple who wanted to improve their relationship, the rest... women like me either going through significant change in relationships or on the other side and want to ensure they don't screw up again.


I had my first taste of these safe and fright or flight feelings this evening. There is a letter on the kitchen table from the spouse's lawyer. I have not had the courage to open it. My heart started to race as soon as I saw the return address. My initial reaction was to tear it to shreds. Intellectually I know this is not a good response. I don't feel safe, I want to run away both mentally and physically. I started to use some of the techniques I learned this weekend to get myself under control and to keep telling my sub conscious mind that I was safe. I wasn't going to die if I opened the letter.

I still haven't opened it and probably won't until I get to my therapy appointment tomorrow. But I can breathe again, and I feel calm and not as if I will kick the spouse in the gut...... today.

The time to "lawyer up" seems to have arrived.