Okay... what MORE is gonna come at me!

So it's not enough that this marriage thing is a bit of a disaster at the moment. She the rebel child turned adult- and quite immature - has decided it's time to leave home and move a 1000 miles away. Sigh.... Not just move a thousand miles away, but take a friend along, tell half truths about her plans and engage the friend in her stories, and expects her family to be happy about it and bless her little misdaventure.

Her friend's parents think it's a "wonderful adventure." We're talking two girls, both 18, neither finished high school, no jobs going out to Alberta, land of milk and honey, vacancy rate of less than 1% and your average 14oo sq ft bungalow running to over 450,000 on a slow day! LOTS of jobs for unskilled labour... of which she is one. And what job does she pick? The one owned by Tyson - a huge meat packing plant - in a town an hour outside the city.

The spousal unit - her father - seems to be running on Denial. Not a lot has happend on this front. It's seriously depressing.

Using my super research skills I managed to get a whole lot of information out of the company including the fact that no.... rebel girl does NOT have job, nooooo they do not "give away" rent money... and yes indeed she will have to pay it aaaaaallll back. oh and rents start not at $850 all inclusive, but over 1K!! nothing inclusive because... we can!

It's soooo bad at this plant that two people I know... one family, the other friend, both men, have said... that's no effing place for a girl that young, I'll hire her to build houses on my sites, and the other said, I know two guys who will teach her how to drive rock trucks... don't go to the meat packing plant.

And as I pass this all along to the spouse, because said rebel daughter believes I expect her to be a failure in life, his pathetic attempts to talk sense to the girl... have not gone well. As he sat on the couch with his scotch in hand... as she swore at me..

That and a few tense days at the office where my manager has figured out that one of my key suppliers has been systematically over charging me. Great... it would appear that NOTHING is working the way it is supposed to.
And the one close friend who kept me from going completely mad is soooooo wrapped up in his materialistic possessions - he can't see beyond the bike and the boots - is not available for hugs talks and email conversations..... gawd I miss him....

It's in the cards....

When we were at our family reunion, my uncle hired a psychic... a tarot card reader. She was awesome... she had a gentle way about her that was not what I had ever expected someone like that to be. I was quite taken with her. We only had about ten minutes a piece with her, but she struck a chord with me. I wanted to hear more. Tonight was that night.

We spent some time discussing the rebellious teen. That's a whole other blog that one.
We moved on to the spouse... ah the spouse.... The interesting thing with this reading was that it confirmed for me what I had already known and what I had already decided, but needed that other force, or "objective" person to tell me. So with Saturn in the 10th house and Mars shadowing Venus, it would appear that the spouse is afraid, he deals with emotions he can't handle through arrogance and pride, and would rather fall on the sword than seek help.

She said we would be friends. And ya know... as much as this man makes a terrible husband, I suspect that being his friend would be okay. I mean we've got these kids, and he's never gonna be out of my life nor I out of his, so friends ..... has to work.

She told me I would never be alone... that's huge. She told me that the spouse is seriously afraid of being alone, even though when he talks, he claims that being alone is all he wants. hmmm

( I do have another friend who told me my future holds a Mustang GT and a 35 yr old hot guy) now that's psychic!

She also told me that the friend who is now not speaking with me... the friendship that blew up in my face, will come around. That his problem was that he has a serious crush on me and couldn't handle it. perhaps... perhaps not... thought she said the cupid cards were everywhere... ... whatever I'll start with speaking civilly to each other.

Okay... the cards are the cards, shuffle another way and who knows what they would have said. In spite of my own faith, I'll take any kind of positive look right now. It wasn't all roses, she mentioned conflict... no surprise...

How does this stuff work? Where does this kind of intuitiveness come from? I'll take it for now. Any port in a storm ya know?

23 and counting... for a bit more...

Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. The spouse arrived home from his trip to visit the old folks and was pretty much his usual uncommunicative self with the exception that he had his brother in tow and had to do the usual self aggrandizement thing... so no celebration ( as if) not even an acknowledgement... no surprise... and this is what it has come to.

I think back to our wedding day oh so long ago when he promised "to love her forever" and see the man he's become... and wonder where and how it went wrong. I looked at our wedding pictures and saw how happy we were and how much promise we had.. and what we wanted from our lives... and this is what it has come to.

We did have good times, and many of my friends ask me "what was he like? why were you attracted to him? You're so not like him at all... " I too ask myself the same thing. We used to have a lot of fun together... going to movies, eating out, taking in theatre and having fun with the kids. But he stopped being involved. He wouldn't participate.

He came home this afternoon with a new bottle of scotch and 12 imported beers... brother in law had two beers, the spouse managed to down two beers that I saw plus 1/3 of the scotch is gone. I don't know what he's thinking or why he is believing his life sucks. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. A couple of kids who love him in spite of his morosely negative behaviour, a wife who worked her mind and ass off trying to keep it together, a roof over his head that he doesn't have any pride in, as well his health and a job... what more is there to life that really matters? Clearly for him... something. Too bad... really... too bad. It's his loss and his challenge. I have already made the decision not to shoulder it any longer.. It's an anniversary all right... not so happy.

It's not a new year any more

My my... it HAS been some time since I've posted ANYTHING. And how my attitude has changed. Re-reading the last couple of posts I seem to be coming to a change of direction. A new road.

While the idea and concept of "staying married for the kids" is honourable and selfless I don't believe I can do this much longer. Things that happened in the last 8 months have demonstrated to me that I can't stay married to this man and still lead the full life I need and want.

While it all went awry and certain people and events were turned inside out, the end result still proved to me, that this man, the one I've been in a relationship with for twenty three years is pretty much over. We've had months of barely talking to each other, a complete lack of interest in anything I do, and pretty much no respect for who I am as a wife, a mother, a professional, not even a scintilla of a friendship. It's done.

So perhaps this will now be the reporting of how I'm doing as I make my way through that process. I still believe I have to the warrior because I expect a battle. Perhaps he'll surprise me and suggest we do things amicably, but I have my doubts.

So... what else has been going on? The house - of course not nearly done. The "royal staircase" dubbed because he has spent more effort building, staining and playing with the stairs than he has doing anything else. Consequently, the kitchen window that faces the street that broke in March - still broken- the trim work in the bedrooms still not finished... for three years, the bathrooms... well... going on 4! sigh... I finally called our friend who is in the window business and told him to get over here. That will come out of the line of credit.