A Fine Balance.

We received one of those 1:30 AM phone calls last night. The nurses discovered that there was some bleeding in Rebel's chest. The cardiac surgeon had to find it and stop it. We were told that this could happen. More than once even. It's not uncommon given the fact that Rebel has to be on blood thinners for the machines she is on. This is something that is almost always anticipated and one of the key things that is being monitored.

So a surgical team came together in the wee hours and did what they had to do. We got the all clear phone call at 4:30 AM. There had been some clotting at the tubes that attach her heart to the ventricular device that needed to be cleaned. The surgeon, another one of these brilliant top flight recognized doctors at the Heart Institute, called us and told us what was done, how he fixed it, and how Rebel was doing.

SU and I saw her today, and were told that it's always a fine balance between using blood thinners and ensuring that bleeding is kept under control.
She was responding when we talked to her. She is still sedated but could hear us and would nod her head if we asked her if she could hear.

I told her that many people were thinking of her and wanting her to keep improving and getting better. I let her know that if she was worrying about any of us, she didn't have to. (because she does) She needed to focus on herself and keep fighting and to think only of how she could help herself. Perhaps in her "stoned state" as one of her nurses put it, she won't remember what I said, but on the other hand, the subconscious mind is still a mystery. I believe that the positive messages we send her is what she needs to hear. She has to believe in herself and as she is "tripping high" in those clouds she will focus on helping herself heal too.

It Takes Time.

SU and I spent a short time with Rebel today. Rebel's BF is supposed to be fixing the brakes on my car today so I asked the SU to take me to see our daughter. He did. Without a sound.
Her kidney function isn't good yet and this is a concern. The nurses are saying it could take time but it should come back to normal at some point.

They are lightening up her sedation and seeing how she responds. She opened her eyes a couple of times while we were there. They would open very wide and then close almost immediately so it's difficult to know how much she focused and whether she even processed that we were there. The nurses say she will hear us if we talk but she won't remember anything when she is finally fully awake.

She also told us that some families take pictures of their patient to show them afterwards. I don't know about this idea. I know that as much as Rebel does like to know everything being done for her and to her, seeing pictures of herself all kind of puffy with fluid, surrounded by machines and lines and breathing tubes doesn't seem like a really good idea. I couldn't be there taking photos.

The night nurses washed her hair and gave her bath. Rebel loves her long locks and I am sure when she awakens she will appreciate this.

The nurses truly are angels. They do amazing work and are so caring. They are truly are the back bone of the medical system. The docs and the machines do much oh yes, but without the nurses.. well... who knows how we'd cope.

Very Small, yet Positive.

The Rebel has been moved out of the operating room and into the recovery area. Her chest and sternum have been sutured closed and she is being monitored in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit near the operating rooms.

The plan is to continue to allow her rest and see how well she stabilizes. The nurses were trying to brush her hair today and she did make a little noise. The nurses say that this is good as her sedation is at a good level.

The doctors plan to remove the second smaller ventricular device on Monday if she continues to stay the course she is on right now. So.. once again, it's small steps forward. Very small, yet positive.

One of her nurses recognized me. She is looking at changing careers and heard me speaking at the local College about being a librarian. So there we are standing over Rebel's bed talking about careers and how to get an MLIS by distance ed. While rather surreal, it's one of those things that Rebel loves - these random meetings of people with less than 6 degrees of separation.

She's turned another corner.

I was at the hospital today to see Rebel and talk with her team. Her lead surgeon told me that she has turned another corner. She is responding well to being weaned off the blood pressure drugs, swelling is going down, and the smaller ventricular device is being used for only 10% of the left ventricle work, so they are thinking of removing it tomorrow and closing up her chest. Small incremental steps.

The nurses are concerned with getting her hair washed. They call it their special project, because they know how girls are about their hair. There is a little bit of a lighter feeling around her. It's still extremely critical, but it seems they are seeing how well she is reacting to all the processes they are putting her through. They hope to be able to lift her out of sedation over the weekend or early into next week depending on how well she progresses over night and on Friday.

Your thoughts and prayers from everywhere are helping, regardless of faith, or following. It's amazing. Between my own Eastern Catholic faith, my Orthodox friends, the Roman Catholic cousins and friends, my Jewish and Sikh friends, my born again Baptist uncle and his family, all the Protestant prayer chains of friends who are pastors and friends of pastors, as well as those who use positive energy flows and whatever else seems to work, we are truly "storming heaven" as Blondie said. And from all corners of North America. I am, as is Rebel, so blessed. The positive energy is getting through. It really does make a difference to have faith and believe.

Her team of medical experts are truly the best. Keep them all in your thoughts as well.

Small Gains.

My Rebel is stable. The swelling that is keeping the doctors from closing her chest is going down. It is getting better. She is comfortable and quiet. This is a slow incremental process and she is making small gains. Her doctor is hoping to be able to close her chest in the next 12 to 24 hour period.

SU went to see her today after dropping off the RT at the Boxing Day sales at the Mall. The nurse coordinator who was with me yesterday told him today that she can see improvement from yesterday to today. The prayers and positive energy are loud and constant and for that I am ever so grateful and thankful.

I have a bit of a cold and am being careful about going to see her. I expect today I will stay home and eat a ton of echinecea and chicken soup.

We had a quiet Christmas dinner. RT had her best friend over. This is a child whose mother is whacko - an alcoholic we're sure, and a father who is dealing with this by never being at home. He claimed to be working yesterday. Rather than make a Christmas for their daughter they decided to forgo the holiday. No presents under the tree, no dinner. Nothing. I felt for the kid even though she's been known to make me roll my eyes. On my way home from church I stopped at the one drug store chain that was open and managed to find a bunch of treats to wrap up and throw into a larger bag for this girl. RT was so thrilled. It was the first time I heard a thank you out of her in a long time. Friend was equally surprised.

Her parents should be ashamed of themselves and their behaviour.

Hour by Hour Vigil

Today... more procedures. Rebel had a ventricular assist device put in to take the pressure off her heart and pump her blood. The thoratec device I mentioned yesterday. When they were done they could see that the other ventricle was not working as well so they added another device to help with that. She is the first person in Eastern Canada to have this new device. They had an army of people around her. There were back ups for the back ups.

Because her body has been through so much stress and these devices are having to get her stabilized Rebel has to be taken off the transplant list temporarily. As soon as her body has a rest and is stabilized she will be back on the list either stage 3.5 or stage 4. She is heavily sedated and not aware of anything at this point.

Her blood is quite thin so there is some concern with bleeding. This is common with this kind of procedure. She is recovering in the operating room and tomorrow if all goes well she'll be moved back to recovery. They are starting to wean her off many of the drugs and meds she is on for blood pressure and a raft of other issues.

One of the med team, the Chief Perfusionist, had to drive in from the country this morning and was stuck in a major traffic jam on the highway - not moving at all! She called the provincial highway police and asked for an urgent police escort to get out of the jam and to the hospital. She said it was the first time she had ever had to do this in her 26 year career.

Rebel is going to love these stories. All the attention. Something our princess does enjoy!

And thank you again, everyone for your prayers, your notes It is all appreciated.

We hope you all have a healthy and Merry Christmas.

Slowly ,Slowly. Step by Step.

That's how this is all working. This morning the team lead doctor told me they woke Rebel out of her medical coma to test her neurological functions. He said it was quite emotional for everyone on the team. She did everything they needed her to do - wiggle her toes, tightened her grip, and being Rebel - she tried to talk. They wouldn't let her do this and if you know Rebel, I am sure you know she was pissed as all get out about that. They were very pleased with her response. They told her where she was and what they were doing to help her and that they had to put her back to sleep. This was reassuring.

She had a couple of procedures. They added a shunt in her leg vein to help drain fluid. Her veins are so small they had to get what they needed from the CHEO - the children's hospital. They have also added a machine to help with kidney function and dialysis.

So so far all is okay. Overnight they are going to watch her liver functions. It's the liver that helps with blood clotting and that is important for Monday's procedure... the addition of a ventricular device to help her heart pump. http://www.thoratec.com . There is concern with infection, blood clotting and loss of blood, so they anticipate all these things during the procedure.

The assistant pastor from my church visited Rebel and offered the sacrament of the healing (also known as sacrament for the sick) She has been mentioned on three blogs that I follow and know of.

I am overwhelmed with all the phone calls, prayers and good thoughts being sent Rebel's way. It's so much appreciated and it's the best thing and most important thing that we can do for her now.

Further.

I just had an update from the hospital.

She was stable over night. They have to run a bunch of processes today. Have to remove a balloon shunt in her leg, they are a bit concerned with her kidney function and will be on top of that. She coughed and moved a little - so they are wondering about her sedation levels. ( that movie, Awake, came out at the WRONG time, for my liking... oy!) Her meds were all stable and that's good.

They are mildly cautiously positive.

We will go see her later today. But they won't be taking her out of sedation too too much.

Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray.

Update:

Sometime after midnight of the day Rebel had her teeth removed her defibrillator shocked her. It shocked the Rebel too. When it happened a second time, I called the paramedics. Her heart was beating so erratically that she was getting a shock far too often.

Thank goodness a senior paramedic was in our neighbourhood and arrived before the ambulance. He got her vitals and started some an ecg and managed to get some sedation and other drugs into her to calm her heart.

We were in the hospital about an hour later. These guys were wonderful. In the hospital after the drugs wore off Rebel had more shocks. This time though she was hooked up to heart monitors and could see for herself how fast her heart was beating. It was almost worse anticipating the shocks than getting them. And there was nothing I could do. The emergency team and cardiologists finally got the arrhythmias settled through drugs and she was moved to the Heart Institute. It was at the Heart Institute they told us that the electro-radio-physicians had analysed her defibrillator and had counted 37

By this time it was nearly 11 AM and I was exhausted. The SU had to stay with RT who had heard all the noise and was scared but didn't want to leave her room. She had a friend sleeping over so that probably helped her. I needed to come home and get some sleep. Rebel's BF took me home.

While I was home however, her condition didn't improve. Her blood pressure had dropped quite dramatically, her breathing became laboured and she crashed. Code Blue, something right from tv. SU said the med teams RAN and did what they needed to save her. I was called and had a friend drive me back to the hospital. Rebel was being put on all kinds of machines to take over her organ functions because her heart.... just couldn't do it any longer. The doctor who led the team getting her on all the equipment came to see us immediately after and told us she was responding well to the changes and the processes. They have to check her neurological functions and will do that as they bring her out of the heavy sedation sometime on Sunday. She is now at the top of the transplant list. She is on the machines that are used for transplant and would be ready if a suitable donor was found.

Rebel is under fantastic care with an educated, caring team of health professionals. I've never seen so many machines and lines of equipment around one person. I had to smile because they have her covered in a special blanket - it was pink! her favourite colour!

The team lead doctor told us that Rebel has been discussed often in their heart failure and transplant meetings. He said as soon as heard he had an urgent need to be at the hospital for a 19 yr old heart failure emergency he knew it was her. He said the entire team is pulling for her- they want her to do well and they will do EVERYTHING within their power to get her there.

With that kind of commitment, and your prayers and good thoughts,

it's all I can ask.

Pray For Our Rebel-Girl

{From Marie approx. 1215 PM Pacific Time}
She was admitted to the hospital. Defibrillated over 37 times in the middle of the night. She is having trouble breathing and they have to take her into surgery. I am terrified.
Please pray.

{I will update when I hear more. ~ blondie}

Pray. Just pray.

Update.

Rebel has managed to get through this one. All went well, but she is swollen and in some pain. Defibrillator turned back on. Percocet for the pain and lots of ice cream to dull any left over pain. Thanks to my personal "trinity" of friends. This is done. Reb figures she'll be able to keep her nail appointment tomorrow! lol Tonight though she is crashed. I am now having a glass of pinot grigio after spending the day.... shopping!

In other news SU was going to go off and buy the girls' gifts without discussing it with me. I see we have fallen somewhat into the trap of having the the girls pass on conversations rather than talking to each other. I finally had to go to "the lair" and let SU know that gifts have been purchased he need do nothing (as he has always done til he decided he needed to be Disney Dad) and I would let him know how much his share will be - he can pay me back.

Rebel wants to have Christmas Day dinner with the BF and his mother and step dad. I am not thrilled about this, but figure I can't be a martyr or lay guilt so I have to let her go. It's gonna be me, the SU and Rebel Tweeny at the table this year. Could be interesting. I think I'll make a Christmas brunch so we have a meal together of some sort. I know a couple of young friends who are not going home on Christmas and may see if they'd like to join us. They know our situation and may not want to walk into that on Christmas Day and who could blame them. But it could be a nice quiet day too. The positive is Rebel wants to go out to have a great day, and I have to give her that.

Par For the Course.

Rebel has to have two wisdom teeth taken out today. One is impacted and the other is hurting and pushing her teeth . There is a bit of infection too which isn't good at all. Infection from the teeth has been known to go straight to the heart. So the oral surgeon the cardiologist and the anesthetist all got together and decided that yes... the teeth had to go. I've spent most of this week with dentists and doctors at various appointments with the Rebel. She has to have this done in the hospital. Her defibrillator is turned off in case they have to shock her externally. ( yeah... I needed to know this) It will be a local anesthesia rather than something that knocks her out. She isn't happy about it but it is less risky.

There really isn't a lot of room to wait for her in the day surgery area so they send me home. Great! I am not happy about this, but hanging around a bad waiting room isn't all appealing either. The docs are all pretty confident and our regular dentist says this should be very straight forward. I am praying on that and counting on it!

And where is the SU? As far as I know, he didn't say a thing to his daughter.

He just left this morning.

Without a word.


Par for the course.

Thursday Thirteen

Not quite a 13. Let's review!
{Post the first line of your first journal entry of each month of 2007.}

Not sure what this says about my life but I have blogged, you have read and we have some thing here about me and my life. I am moving forward. There will be more about that in a future entry.

1. January: I was outside today without a hat, without mitts and without boots. ( today I say... what a difference a year makes!)
2. February: The spouse was preparing for some lunch potluck thing at his work.
3. March: As I pull together all the financial crap for the separation to come, (and more about that in the T13 on Thursday!) I keep reviewing the money I spend to go to the gym. ( and still pulling together!)
4. April: Again! It happened. The hard drive on the latest new computer has crashed and burned.
5. May: This was my horoscope today:Events that would halt another person in his tracks simply whet your appetite for more. What gives? Are you some kind of superhero or something? Other people are in awe of your abilities, as well they should be.
6. June: I don't know about you.... but whatta week!
7. July: While the rest of the world says "Huh?" we in Canada have much we can call our own.
8. August: I wonder if My camera is going to cost a fortune to repair?
9. September: I really don't know if the SU is as clued out as he makes out or what his problem is, but a regular, engaged, on-top-of- it father he isn't.
10. October: A pretty quiet weekend this weekend.
11. November: She must have the flexibility of a pole dancer.
12. December: On Saturday Rebel and I had to get our nails filled.

Gotta Love a Good Barracuda!

In the category of wearing my "big girl panties" Here's the response my barracuda sent the SU in reply to the letter I received earlier this week.( See Tuesday Trouble) Gotta love a good barracuda!

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated the 14th December, 2008.
My client is frankly baffled by its contents. She advises that she has not been contacted by your client at all to arrange a time to meet with the mediator. She has certainly not refused to attend and she does not believe it makes economic sense to have the lawyers present during the mediation.
My client remains willing to attend mediation. Your client should contact the mediator and obtain some available dates and then speak to my client.
Regards,
THE BARRACUDA!

GOT IT?

This girl feels pretty good in her big girl panties!

Tuesday Trouble!

Why is it that I always see the email from my lawyer's office when I am about to go do something fun, and instead I stress about the NEXT thing the SU wants out of my life. This was a dandy. Apparently, I have refused to meet with the mediator. The SU's lawyer has suggested a love fest of his lawyer, my barracuda, the mediator the SU and me - all in a room together! WTF?!?! Yeah... let's pay THREE lawyers for their time on this separation.

AS IF!

I sent back the Barracuda a note and told her, no,I have not refused any meetings. There have been no meetings to refuse. I have not been asked to attend any mediation sessions and really, is the week before Christmas the time to be doing this? I told her to tell the SU's lawyer that they are BOTH delusional and their fantasy meetings really are not going to get very far. If they want me at meetings, they have to plan them and invite me to attend.

This is SU's idea. His separation, his divorce. He wants meetings with lawyers and mediators, he can plan them. if it suits me, I'll be there. If it doesn't he can keep asking me til I find a time that works. I am no longer 'the wife." I don't have to organize him, plan him, or make his phone alls. It's all up to him now.

We can see how well it's working for him already.

THREE Lawyers, count 'em!

THREE in a room.

I roll my eyes and wonder where in God's name this man left his intelligence!

Leave me the hell alone you fucking fucktard. ( I LOVE that word and have shared it with many. Thank the girl, Blondie!)

A week before Christmas and he is wondering why there are no mediation sessions scheduled.

I gotta go make shortbread.

Thursday Thirteen

1. If you don't want to follow the rules (tell me where you are going please, tell me what time you'll be home, and tell me who you're with) you don't get to use the computer. I end up suffering too because I have to hide the mouse from EVERYbody! sigh

2. Please sign your donor card. Please make sure your family knows your wishes and doesn't over ride you when you are not around. sigh

3. There are no religious objections by ANY faith to organ donation. In fact it is seen by ALMOST ALL faiths as a highest order of giving a gift. The gift of life. Please see no. 2.

4. I am signing the few Christmas cards I am sending from Marie, Rebel and RebelTweeny. SU wanted a separation. He is getting the full force meaning this year.

5. I am sending a "congratulations on your engagement" flower arrangement to the SU's party friend who is hosting a Sexy Santa engagement party. The card will say, "sorry I can't attend but the three of us wish you both many years of happiness as you take the plunge." See no. 4

6. I told Rebel to ask her dad for money to buy me the Christmas present I want and to make it from both herself and her sister. She thinks this is a good idea because... see no. 7

7. I bought the SU's gift from the girls. grudgingly but for the right reasons. He'd damn well better use it!

8. Rebel lost her wallet It had $70 in it, her Health card, student card, bus tickets, hospital card, heart pace maker card and a bunch of photos she loved. She loved her wallet too. "My first grown up wallet, I love that wallet." The kid can't get a break.

9. Rebel's BF has nearly completed his Christmas house lights masterpiece. My goodness we've NEVER had lights like this. Two story extravaganza!

10. We have had more snow this year already than we had all last winter.

11. I am going to the Metropolitan Opera on Saturday afternoon via satellite at the local movie theatre. Romeo and Juliet!

12. It's nuts & bolts and anti pasto making weekend! Low sodium versions. That should be fun!

13. I just want us all to be healthy, really healthy and happy. Nothing else really matters does it?

Monday Musing.

My dad sent me some money. He sold his house and has sent me and the siblings each a nice little sum of money. The first cheque I received he wrote my first name and the SU's last name. Here's the thing... I NEVER changed my name when I got married. I've ALWAYS used my own name. ALWAYS. So WHY after 24 years did my dad address a cheque to me with a name I don't use and now I can't cash the cheque! So he sent me a second cheque and double barreled the last name. I am worried. I think my dad is starting to get dementia of some kind. I STILL can't cash the cheque because I have NO ID with that name on it. He is freaking me out.

SU is annoyed because I bought a new microwave oven. We needed a new one because the current one - 24 years old can't be used when Rebel is in the room. It's ancient technology that could affect her pacemaker. Just as well. It was time for something new. I bought a beaut! A microwave convection oven that is all the rage. It's most certainly not your Wal-Mart $60 cheapy! When I told SU I bought it, all he wanted to know was *how much?* I told him and he had a fit. "With what money?" he asked.
"Not your concern any longer is it? We are separated as per your decision, so the oven belongs to *me* How I pay for it - my concern not yours!" But gee feel free to pay me back half since it is for the family!

AS IF!

Why is he so constantly surprised when I do these things?

We celebrated the Feast of St Nicholas at church yesterday. A great time was had by all. RebetlTweeny received a Clapper for her bedroom lamp and was thrilled! Rebel got a Vin Diesel DVD bundle. Made her happy. She's been working part time and is quite happy about that too. She earned $15 in tips her first two days. She works for Tim Horton's, a little one in a gas station, so she spends her time at the drive through window taking orders and bossing the junior staff around. She loves it!

The local newspaper has started a 6 part series on heart patients waiting for transplants. OY! It's depressing and a little scary, so I am not going out of my way to let Rebel read it. Too many people need hearts. Too many people don't sign their organ cards, and too many people's families overturn organ card promises. This is probably going to take longer than we thought.

BUT..we will remain positive.

Thursday Thirteen {or is it Friday}

13 Things for Friday which isn't a 13th

1. Drive Rebel to school.
2. Meet with the Handy Man Hotline guy. Hope he's a hot handyman. Did I say that out loud?!?
3. Meet with a window guy about the windows. See hope in #2 Though he already loses marks when he complained about coming over on a Friday
4. Pick up the two MP3s from Best Buy.
5. Pick up Rebel from school.
6. Send more photos to COSTCO LAB for scrap booking session.
7. Finish letters for conference in January.
8. Menu plan for next week.
9. Return the overdue library books and DVDs.
10. Pick up some of that Smirnoff Mojito mix for the girls evening during Christmas Lily... you listening?
11. Pick up some of that Smirnoff Cosmopolitan mix for girls evening. Lily see no 10.
12. Drop off deposit to scrap booking consultant for Scrap and Spa weekend in February.
13. Go downtown and get the damn fur coat out of storage before freezing to death!

Wordless Wednesday

Master Plan = Very Busy!

On Saturday Rebel and I had to get our nails filled. RebelTweey needed a ride to another part of our little city to visit a friend. I couldn't take her, so I asked the SU who had just gotten himself out of bed... at 2 PM in the afternoon to take her.

Rebel and I returned and I asked the SU,

"what time did you tell RT to be home?"
"I didn't,"
"Well what time are you picking her up?" I asked.
"We didn't discuss this."
sigh...
"you know SU, she is only 14 and needs boundaries around her. It's fine for her to go out, but she needs to know there are expectations. There should have been a pick up time arranged. "

So didn't he just work himself into a huff, going on about how I was right and YES he should have done EXACTLY what I said, implying that I was yet again, being a nag, a bitch, a whatever negative label he could attach to me.

I told him that as a father his role was to create expectations and develop a sense of responsibility and NOT expect her to come to decisions about curfews etc without parental aid.
All I got was a lot of huffing and puffing. He didn't see my side of it at all. But he wouldn't, would he?

In the end, RT called MUCH earlier than expected and asked to be picked up. SU made a big to do about this as if to say ha ha gotacha. whatEvEr!

The Rebel and her BF were out at his family Christmas part on Saturday night. They stayed out at a hotel. Okay... I don't like this, but she is and adult and I have to deal with it. They got to our place on Sunday and were relaxing - lack of sleep kicking in no doubt, when SU pretty much demanded the BF help him with something. Not a lot of politeness. Yet again, I give the lad credit for how he behaved. Rebel on the other hand was ready to pop his lights.

Two minutes later I spilled bloody red borscht all over my basement carpet stairs. I was carrying way too much to the basement fridge. What a mess. As I was standing over it, trying to figure out what would be the best thing to get red stuff off an ugly gold carpet, the BF comes around and tells me part of his dad's business includes an industrial carpet cleaning machine. He went picked it up cleaned the carpet thoroughly and then took the thing back. This, AFTER he ran errand the SU's requested errand. The lad got extras for dinner that night!

RT on the other hand refuses to pay much attention to me at all these days. Unless she needs my credit card to buy clothes online. Or make up... or tampons. I was fed up yesterday and once again, her dad... did nothing. After having a lovely day - that included NOT going to church... she went ice skating with friends, took a walk after supper hour in -10 weather to the drug store, had her friend stay with her for another hour and then at bedtime decided it was time to do homework. I was not impressed and suggested that perhaps her time management skills needed a bit of improving. SU right there. Says NO-THING! She told me to leave her alone. I decided that Monday she could make her own school lunch and get herself out of bed on her own.

Monday morning, of course, she slept in and didn't have time to make lunch. sigh...

Took SU three hours or so to tidy up the slovenly room he calls home on Sunday. OY! I don't know how many weeks worth of papers and crap was in there. The vacuum cleaner must have been on for at least an hour. And we're talking small bedroom in the house!

I have my master plan kicking into action this week.

I am going to be very busy!

Four for Friday.

Cuz I can't think of five!

1. So why is it that the kid who NEVER remembers to take a message for me, yells at the top of her voice when I walked in the house one evening this week - "guy from Sears called about the estimate you wanted on the windows. Call him back." SU of course is right there and has to ask, "windows? what are you doing about the windows? We don't have money for windows." sigh...

I am not getting into my game plan so I told him it must be some deal they are running and must have got my name from their database of clients. Not sure how well I pulled that one off.

2. I hear the SU on the computer at night... usually after midnight when the rest of us are in bed. It's like he's sneaking online. Gotta wonder if he's back up to his ole pornographic tricks. I mean as far as I know, he ain't gettin' any and is fixing his jollies or something. I am wondering. Might need to figure out how to try and track him again. Though it's not as easy as it was the first time I did it. hmmm I wonder if it's worth heading down to fix myself midnight snacks and see what the deal is when I sneak in on him. Could be entertaining.

3. Rebel has kind of hit a wall this week. She read her heart transplant manual from cover to cover and I believe the reality of it all has hit her. She went into a depression this week. Not surprising at all really. It just took a lot longer than I had expected. The boyfriend was very good about talking it through with her. I told her we could take her to talk to any number of people on our list - but she doesn't want to do that yet. She told me she had a good cry and is starting to feel better. She didn't go to school all week, though she finished a whole whack of work at home. She won't cry in front of me or let me hug her and hold her. Damn kid is too tough for her own good. but then again, she knows I will end up crying right along with her. And she hates that!

4. Guess who has to spend money on the SU for Christmas? Of course I do. The girls want to get him gifts. They know what they want to buy, so I of course will spend the money so they can feel good. Gritting my teeth while I do it. Rebel is still a little upset that she used her own money from working last year to buy her dad a really nice shirt. He hasn't worn it once. Didn't put it on at all. What kind of dad is that? He could have easily worn it to work, but chose not to. Who does that?
He didn't open the CDs we bought him last year either. They were still in the shrink wrap. So I took them back to the CD store and traded them in as *used* and bought a couple of CDs for myself and the girls instead.

He really doesn't get what means to behave and act like a dad.

Not at all.

Wordless Wednesday.

Almost Good to Go.

I was watching Chuck last night and what are they talking about? How wonderful sweet potatoes are with a marshmallow topping. Chuck's buddy was practically having orgasms eating the stuff. I really need a recipe. I am sure I can find one on the Internet somewhere... or maybe... ask a friend?!?!?

Candy and vegetables together...

has got to be good right?

I just read my horoscope for today:

"You are a bit more in touch with your car, or maybe with transportation in general. It's a good time to listen carefully to that rattle and figure out if it's time to do something about it before it gets worse."

Guess where my car is? At the dealer's for the very last check up while still on warranty. I have 140,000 Ks on it and the warranty dies on Dec 16th. And yesterday as I was cleaning snow off the windows I heard a rattle too. So I took the car in and told them to give it the complete high end once over. Anything on warranty that was loose a little edgy or whatever should be fixed. If it was a wear and tear part and/or NOT on warranty I told them do NOT touch it.

Rebel's BF can not only string up Christmas lights, he's a mechanic- bless him! He's fixing my brakes and other parts. Rebel also has a best friend whose BF owns a car repair place. They rebuild cars and engines. He said he'd fix my car too. Everybody needs a mechanic in the family... especially someone who is living with spousal ennuie. Critical to have these all important types around. Now I need to find a plumber. I have an electrician and several contractor friends. So I am almost good to go!

I've never had a horoscope so completely dead on before.

Wonder if I should go get lottery tickets?

I mean, REALLY!?!

Ah the heart break of defeat!

The Big Blue just couldn't hold down the Green Machine. Young QB Ryan Dinwiddie managed well, and it was a close game right to the end. Heart breaker for the Blue. 23-19.

*****************************************

So why is it the minute the RT heads off to bed the SU wants "to discuss." I mean, really?! The kid has radar for ears and can hear anything a mile down the road.

His timing as always.....brilliant.

"Have you talked to your lawyer lately?"

"No, why would I need to speak with her?"

I don't need to talk to the lawyer til mediation is done. He should know this given what he's paying his suit. The guy clearly isn't doing his job.

" Well financially, it would be better for you. The mortgage is only continued for six months. That's your window."

"Today it would be better financially for me, if instead of talking about money that's in my best interest you'd do something around here to make it appear as though this house is worth something. So instead of talking to me about what's better for me, figure out what's better for your daughters. And living in an unfinished house isn't better for them ok?"

I confess I ranted. Just a bit. In a modulated tone though. He pissed me off. I nearly gave away what I was really thinking and planning for the house but I shut up before he irritated me even more.

" I want to get going on this and get it done. " says the SU.

"So, why are you telling me? You want to tell your daughters before Christmas that you want a divorce? You've managed to alienate one kid and she will probably be happy to watch you leave. but then again... Are you an idiot? Or just so completely selfish you don't care about anyone but yourself?"

"I am just saying that for you it would be better to get it done."

Comment about daughter... ignored, surprisingly. And gee... all of a sudden he's looking out for me financially?! AS IF.. Mr I-want-your-pension cares a whit about me and my finances at all.

"You know what SU, it's not about me. And when you figure that out, I'll play ball. Right now, this is not what is uppermost on my mind. But if you want to leave... don't let me stop you."

And the brilliant response to this is....

"And where am I supposed to go?"

So... He wants a divorce.. urgently it would appear. Okay.. so leave. BUT he can't leave because he has no where to go?

I mean REALLY!

Wordless Wednesday - Take 2

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday Note....

Random notes kinda like
Blondie's Monday mop up.........

except it's Tuesday.

1. To the SU - When the daughter's boyfriend is putting the Christmas lights up on what is still YOUR house it would have been MORE appropriate to say "Hey thanks! I hate the job ( even though you won't admit it!) and I am not good at it. Really appreciate this." instead of saying... "better you than me!"

2. More to the SU - If you are going to go shopping and buy the young one $130 worth of new clothes, it would be a good idea to insure you provide an equal amount for the older daughter who has lost 35 pounds and has no clothes that fit and needs anything and everything instead of telling her she's making you go broke. I have two words for you.... $600 camera!

3. Again SU- you're not funny. Your *jokes* don't fly. Just be civil and polite and we'll all manage better.

4. Rebel - had a cardiologist's appointment today. He is very pleased with her general health and well being. The heart still sucks, but everything around the heart is good. Her weight is good because the fluid retention is down. She is eating better and healthier. He is not sure he wants her to go to work. He also said, for some people there is more stress being at home and NOT working than there is going to work. He warned her to listen to her body and take signs seriously. We go back in a month. While on the transplant list we go in every month for check ups until she has a suitable donor.

5. City people came by for an inspection of the house for property tax assessment. AS IF I know the size of the stoop (deck) the SU built. AS IF I know what materials he's used in the garage. I suggested he take care of this little bit of business.

6. I am excited to see my Bombers in the Grey Cup final. Tickets ! oy! An unreachable $400 per ticket. For the cheap seats. Sports bar here we come... wearing our DOG shirts. TRUE BLUE!

7. I bought my first Christmas present yesterday for the RT. Something she's wanted since she was about 9 years old. You know The Clapper? Couldn't get them here ever. And to get it via the InterNet what with the currency exchange, the taxes and shipping and handling. Not worth it. Found it by accident next to the pharmacy at WalMart. Kid wants The Clapper... she even mentioned it again a couple of weeks ago. I roll my eyes.

8. Was going to take a cross border shopping trip into upstate New York to Syracuse or Watertown on the 23rd of November. Then realized... no way... that's like a suicide mission. Couldn't understand why all the malls were opening at 6 AM. Day after American Thanksgiving. It will be worse than Boxing Day sales here. We're pushing back that particular trip to another Friday off. I am so excited to get to a Target Store. Only because there isn't a Nordstrom's within driving distance.

Monday Morning Quarterback

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGOOOOOOOOs

The Big Blue win the Eastern Finals 19-9 against Toronto. Winnipeg killed it! Argos blew a couple of plays................ and off we go to the Grey Cup!

QB Kevin Glen won't be playing - broke his arm in the fourth quarter. A heart breaker Milt Stegall... doing his happy dance.

OKAY Lily... you & me next week... against the Green Machine!

Kerry Joseph - former Ottawa Renegades QB is taking the charge next week with Saskatchewan. He deserves the Western win, can't say much more than that. My team is in.

Back to our regularly scheduled spousal ennuie later today or Tuesday.

Thursday Thirteen

13 cool things about doing a radio interview

1. I got to talk about a subject I love – my work.

2. I got to talk about the subject I love *in front* of a huge audience.

3. I got to talk about the subject I love in front of a huge audience that I couldn’t see.

4. . I got to talk about the subject I love in front of a huge audience that I couldn’t see who couldn’t see me.

5. I got to talk about the subject I love in front of a huge audience that I couldn’t see who couldn’t see me, which was good as I was still in my pjs. It was recorded ahead of time.

6. The interviewers said I was cool.

7. The interviewers said I was cool and interesting.

8. The interviewers said I was cool, interesting and informative.

9. A friend I haven’t talked to for some time heard me on the radio and called me.

10. A sales rep I know heard me on then radio and called me.

11. Someone I knew from my old home town neighbourhood that I went all the way from elementary school through to high school that I have not seen since 1975 heard me, found my hotmail address and sent me email.

12. I have a little bit – not a lot – of cool factor with RebelTweeny.

13. I was told I had a *radio voice* she said in that tone.

Quiet. It's Good.

It was a pretty quiet weekend around the place. Rebel took herself out to her usual former bar haunts on Friday. the boyfriend was out hunting with his dad for the weekend so Rebel got busy with the girls and others she hasn't seen for some time. I told Rebel I would phone her every hour to check up on her. I didn't. I did read her friend the riot act and told her to watch out for Rebel in case she started to not feel well or something. She had a good time and was very happy to get out and party... even if it was in a non alcoholic and just a few dances kind of way.

RebelTweeny slept over at a friend's house on Friday evening, and normally I wold have had the house to myself as SU plays hockey every Friday. Well, damn if he didn't play! He locked himself up in his room and didn't come out all night. I finally taught myself to download music (can you believe it?!) and now have a whack of stored tunes. I need an iPod or other MP3 player. I played music loud on Friday night - just to see if there was a threshold for SU. I had to make sure it all downloaded properly didn't I? ( she blinks innocently.)

Interestingly, the age difference between Rebel and her BF kind of displayed itself this weekend while he was gone. She had a great time with all her friends and really didn't miss this guy at all. I have told her over and over that being an independent young woman is important. She should never lose her connections with the girls over a guy... any guy. The girls will be there if you keep up your friendships and not let a man get you too involved. I think she got it this weekend.

The rest of the weekend was pretty much a non event.Rebel and I went to the first of many of the Christmas Craft Fairs and bought some new stuff for the house I am sure a photo will show up on wordless sometime in December. RT had a couple of run ins with her dad this weekend. He really does go hot and cold and you just don't know. She was taking her time getting ready for church - she has decided she is a non believer - So SU did tell her that she would go and she would continue to go until at least age 18. She could sit and quietly contemplate life he told her if she chose not to follow the liturgy. That surprised me. She came, sat and hummed instead of singing. Works for me for now.

I have the day off work today as the Remembrance Day holiday fell on Sunday so we get today off. I have a bunch of errands to run - snow tires on car today, lunch with Lily, find the Christmas house lights, and some other mundane kind of things. SU told me he'd pay some bills. Good for him... finally. I know it's because the last of the car payments was last month, so he has cash to burn now.

We Must Never Forget!

It is the VETERAN, not the preacher, who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the VETERAN, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the VETERAN, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer, who has given us freedom to assemble.

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the VETERAN, not the politician, who has given us the right to vote.

It is the VETERAN, who salutes the Flag,



ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.



We can be very proud of our young men and women in the service no matter where they serve.

Twisted Friday.

I haven't seen the SU since Wednesday, except for brief instances in the early morning as he and RT leave to go to school together. Its been rather nice.

Both girls will be out this evening. RT is sleeping at a friend's and Rebel is going out with the girls. I am a little worried, but she wants her life back. I will be calling her probably on the hour.

My dad told me he gave my nephew $500 on his 18th birthday. I was really not happy because he didn't give Rebel the same on her 18th over a year ago. I called him on it. "But' she's not going to university," he told me. I got upset, and told him he shouldn't treat one grandchild differently from the others. If he gave one that much he has to do the same with all the grandchildren as they turn 18. Yesterday there was a card from my dad. He sent both girls cheques. $200 for each girl. He doesn't get it. I kept RT's cheque. The last thing she needs is more stuff. I am sending it back to my dad and telling him to wait until RT is 18, and I am asking him to give Rebel another $300. He doesn't get it. A grandparent should not play favourites like that. I can hear my mom yelling at him all the way from her perch in the clouds. NO doubt she will be haunting his dreams.

A kind of twisted lead in for the Friday Funny...

Friday Funny

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

He died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked , "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"


"Let the bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

Thirteen on Thursday.

13 things sitting on my desk -
in no particular order of importance

1. two coffee cups - one water one coffee (decaf)
2. two steno pads.. - one phone log, one to do list
3. four pens
4. one box of calcium soft chews 2-3 daily when the need for chocolate arises - the two birds with one stones theory.
5. one Tupperware container of muesli - for my yoghurt
6. one thermos of coffee from home
7. one parking ticket - need to write a cheque - money grubbing city charging for tickets on a Sunday night IN FRONT of a hospital!
8. one invoice from the She Barracuda- need to write a cheque- she who is my champion!
9. one computer monitor - of course
10. one toastmaster's manual - Specialty Speeches - next week I speak
11. four pads of post it notes.. all yellow.. all different sizes- different purposes
12. ten ( at least!) book reviews waiting purchasing decisions
13. four professional journals - waiting to be scanned

Wordless Wednesday

Relating to Rebels.

Rebel is starting to have a serious problem with her dad. Her dad, AKA the SU, talks to her in the same tone he uses with me. It's rather unsettling. He used to nag her about her weight - she was too soft, not eating properly, not enough exercise. For a father to talk to a daughter in this way I think is not good for her self image. I would tell him this, but of course, I got no respect and he discounted everything I said. Now, he's telling her she is too thin. He goes on and on in his "you should" tone that I now know how to handle - by ignoring it - but Rebel doesn't know how to do this yet.

I believe either consciously or unconsciously he can tell that Rebel and I are aligned somehow in our feelings about him, while he works on the Rebel Tweeny. It's to the point where Rebel really doesn't want to talk to her father about anything, because his style with her is to lecture rather than to be empathetic. He doesn't know how to do that at all. I've tried staying out of it, and have told Rebel she needs to deal with her father on her own terms. I have told him however that he needs to take his lecturing down a notch or two... he claims that I don't know what I am talking about.

On the other hand, RebelTweeny had a friend sleep over this past weekend. We were all in the kitchen having breakfast when the SU walked in. He didn't so much as say good morning, how is everyone .... nothing. You'd think I'd be used to this by now, but when he is so rude when there is a houseful of people - including kids' friends, there is no politeness factor whatsoever. It shouldn't surprise me any longer, but it still does.

RT was babysitting on Saturday evening and as the SU walked into the kitchen that morning, we were working out the logistics of who was doing what. The couple RT was babysitting were in from out of town for a family wedding. They had suggested that they would pay for a cab for RT to come to their hotel downtown. I vetoed that for a couple of reasons. I didn't want a 14 yr old in a cab and the cost is quite prohibitive - at least a $50-$60 ride from where we are one way. Well... SU for some reason decided to dispute this with me in a very rude fashion. This is a guy who has never taken a cab anywhere. I use them a lot when I travel on business, going to meetings. I know of what I speak. So I told him what cab fares were and why it made more sense for us to chauffeur our daughter to and from downtown. He went on about people who stay in hotels obviously have a ton of money... blah blah blah.

I also said, they'd told RT she could order from room service and order a movie. I told her that I would provide her with snacks rather than ordering room service because that was a lot of money for a family with a new baby to be paying and wouldn't she rather get more money for babysitting than spending the couple's money on expensive hotel stuff. My kids know about room service. They know what stuff costs. And RT agreed with me. AGAIN the SU goes on. And he's doing it with RT's new friend from school in the house. Never mind this is kid is a student at his school where he teaches. I told him that really, hotel food was expensive. He really had been in a hotel for some time and should just trust me on this one.

It was all I could do to tell him to shut up!

In the end, I had to ask him to come speak to me in the other room. I needed him to know that he was being rude to me in front of NOT only our children, but their friends as well. I told him that the Bambi rule applied. He looked at me as if I had three heads. "You know," I said, "If you can't say anything nice then please.... just shut the fuck up instead of treating me like shit in front of our children and their friends. It only makes you look like an ass. " He muttered something behind my back and as per his usual MO... ran away to another room. His passive aggressive nature hurts him more than it hurts the rest of us and in the end, he only hurts himself.

In the end, I drove her to the job, met the couple and their adorable baby girl, and SU picked her up. Rebel and I went out for a fabulous church supper! SU was home alone ... probably wallowing into the TV watching a hockey game.

RT sat for 5 hours with a 9 month old who slept most of the time she was there. The couple were grateful we drove her. It was their first *holiday* in a few years. Because it was a family wedding there were a whack of expenses. RT had asked for $40 they gave her $60.

My point was made.

Sunday Sodium Story And a Challenge!

( or I have a new religion!)

There's A Difference Between Salt And Sodium.
Salt and sodium are not the same, but because the two are used interchangeably, people are often confused about the difference. Sodium is a mineral that combines with chlorine to form salt. It is a necessary nutrient that helps your body maintain water balance, transmit nerve impulses and contract muscles.Too much sodium may contribute to high blood pressure and other related diseases. Salt (sodium chloride) is a naturally occurring compound that contains 40% sodium and 60% chlorine. Salt is used to season foods and is the primary source of sodium in our diet. Sodium levels in food are expressed in units of a gram called milligrams (mg). One gram (g) equals 1000 milligrams. 2300 mgs about 1 teaspoon full.

Why Should We Cut Down On Salt?
Although a small amount of sodium (about 500mg) is essential to normal body functions, it is estimated that the average person consumes 4000 to 5000mg a day. It is widely believed that a large amount of dietary sodium could result in high blood pressure (also called hypertension) and may lead to heart attack, stroke or kidney failure. Because we get most of our dietary sodium from salt, health professionals are advising us to eat less salt.

How Much Sodium Do We Need?
Only about 500mg of sodium is essential to your diet. Sodium restricted diets can be as little as 1000mg a day and as much as 4000mg. Rebel is restricted to 2000 mgs per day.

Saltiness is an acquired taste. It's estimated that about 1/4 of our sodium intake comes from salt we add to food in the kitchen. We sprinkle it from the shaker at the table and add it to cooking water and other dishes while preparing them. Salt is added, often in large amounts, to processed or prepared convenience foods such as soups and salad dressings, canned or dry dinner mixes, packaged cookies and crackers, bouillon, sauces, condiments, and dessert mixes. Many canned vegetables are also seasoned with salt.

Cheeses contain salt for preserving as well as for flavour. Smoked or canned meat and fish products such as tuna, ham, bacon, cold cuts, corned beef and sausage are well seasoned with salt. Deli roast beef and turkey breast are often cooked with salt. Marie's comments... *well seasoned* is a euphemism for *too much sodium - waaaaay too much sodium.*

Just because a food is low fat, low sugar, diet, organic or natural, doesn't mean it will be low in sodium. In fact, diet foods usually have MORE sodium which will result in fluid retention. Read the labels.

The Rebel Rule-
If it comes in a box, a package, a can or is fast food...
it has waaaaaay too much sodium in it.

Sodium And Over-The-Counter Medications
Medications can be another unexpected source of sodium in the diet. For example, just two Alka Seltzer tablets contain 1064mg of sodium. Check with your doctor concerning the use of seltzers (Alka Seltzer, Bromo Seltzer), antacids, laxatives, bicarbonate of soda, pain relievers and other preparations.

What Do Food Labels Tell About Sodium Content?
If a nutrition label is not available, you can check the ingredient statement for the presence of salt or other sodium compounds. Ingredients are listed in descending order by weight, but since the specific weights aren't listed, it only gives you a rough idea of the amount of sodium. Your best bet is to buy only those items with a nutrition label.

OK. Now that you know this. Add up all the sodium in the food you eat for just one day. Anything above 2300 mgs - 1 tsp of salt/sodium.. is overload. Now... the next day, try cutting it only 25%. See what you have to do. Your kidneys, liver, and heart... will appreciate it. Come back and tell me how you did!

copyright protection and know that I was lazy and didn't want to write my own thing.. Why re-invent the wheel right? I took this content pretty much directly from the Wegmans' website. Wegmans is an American grocery store. Their content came up even before the American Heart Association pages during my search which is the ultimate source for anything to do with low sodium information.

I DON'T Just Pick on the Men!

Post Halloween Let down?

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
- 'Did you dance much ?'
- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.......'

Friday Funny!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied And these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut !