Ironic Circles.

I had a message from a friend - same friend who gathers intelligence for me from SU's place of work - the place of work where the fantasy girlfriend is- the same one whose picture SU carries around in his wallet. Remember friends there was a long weekend - over Valentine's Day and I know that the Fantasy Girfriend has a real boyfriend - they get engaged over the weekend! Her Facebook profile photo was changed to reflect her newly engaged status as a couple. Apparently it was all the buzz at work on Tuesday and Wednesday. She will more than likely be leaving that school now for good to live in another town.

Later that Tuesday the teachers at SU's school played a hockey game against the students. SU scored on his own net! It was texted to the Rebel Junior about 30 seconds after it happened.

Ya gotta wonder about that. I *nearly* felt sorry for him. It was Valentine's Day when SU proposed to me. We seem to have come to some kind of ironic circle haven't we?

Disassociating Himself.

For some reason New Year's Eve 1999 is sticking in my head these days. I think I know why, but what the heck. Remember 1999? Millennium madness. The talk was all about where the big parties were going to be, how the turn of the century parties were going to be memorable. A bunch of us moms at Ukrainian camp had been discussing it and we were wanting the turn of the century to be memorable for our kids rather than for ourselves. Because really, it's our kids talking to their grandchildren who will best be able to relate what it was like at the millennium. We decided to host a big dress up family party at out church. We had pot luck appetizers, one guy had a whole DJ outfit glitter ball included, he took lots of music requests ahead of time. We decorated the hall and had a nice sized group to ring in the New Year. We even made a little photo stage area with a 2000 date on it for family pictures.

My girls were beside themselves. Rebel was 12 years old and Rebel Junior was 7 years old. We went shopping for party dresses. Rebel picked out a long ball gown type skirt. She loved that skirt. I had my hair done - the manicure the whole thing. We were really looking forward to a great party.

The entire time, SU didn't get involved really. It would be nearly a year before the SU dropped the bomb so I figured it was marriage as usual. But upon looking back now he was just going through the motions. He didn't volunteer to help, or really participate much. His daughters wanted to dance with him - and he tried to say no! I look at this now in hindsight and smack myself on the forehead knowingly, but at the time... I just thought he was behaving oddly. I have the pictures in my head still from that evening. He finally did dance with both girls - but only after another dad said to him, "go dance with your girls, because there will come a time where they'll want to dance with anyone but dad!" The smiles, the joy, we were having a good time.

And then it was midnight. I looked around me as all the husbands kissing their wives, their kids, and wondered what was wrong. I couldn't place it. I can still see all the kids going around kissing and hugging each other. They truly did have a wonderful time. The kiss I got on the biggest night of all of our lives was disappointing. It wasn't the kiss of a man with his family who loved his wife or even cared. The intimate moment was missing. And it has been ever since. At the time of course, I didn't realize it. The girls still talk about that party. As do all the kids who were there. I smile when I look back and I have a couple of pictures. Even in the pictures I can see SU disassociate himself. His loss. I really get that.

Four for Friday.

Cuz I can't think of five!

1. So why is it that the kid who NEVER remembers to take a message for me, yells at the top of her voice when I walked in the house one evening this week - "guy from Sears called about the estimate you wanted on the windows. Call him back." SU of course is right there and has to ask, "windows? what are you doing about the windows? We don't have money for windows." sigh...

I am not getting into my game plan so I told him it must be some deal they are running and must have got my name from their database of clients. Not sure how well I pulled that one off.

2. I hear the SU on the computer at night... usually after midnight when the rest of us are in bed. It's like he's sneaking online. Gotta wonder if he's back up to his ole pornographic tricks. I mean as far as I know, he ain't gettin' any and is fixing his jollies or something. I am wondering. Might need to figure out how to try and track him again. Though it's not as easy as it was the first time I did it. hmmm I wonder if it's worth heading down to fix myself midnight snacks and see what the deal is when I sneak in on him. Could be entertaining.

3. Rebel has kind of hit a wall this week. She read her heart transplant manual from cover to cover and I believe the reality of it all has hit her. She went into a depression this week. Not surprising at all really. It just took a lot longer than I had expected. The boyfriend was very good about talking it through with her. I told her we could take her to talk to any number of people on our list - but she doesn't want to do that yet. She told me she had a good cry and is starting to feel better. She didn't go to school all week, though she finished a whole whack of work at home. She won't cry in front of me or let me hug her and hold her. Damn kid is too tough for her own good. but then again, she knows I will end up crying right along with her. And she hates that!

4. Guess who has to spend money on the SU for Christmas? Of course I do. The girls want to get him gifts. They know what they want to buy, so I of course will spend the money so they can feel good. Gritting my teeth while I do it. Rebel is still a little upset that she used her own money from working last year to buy her dad a really nice shirt. He hasn't worn it once. Didn't put it on at all. What kind of dad is that? He could have easily worn it to work, but chose not to. Who does that?
He didn't open the CDs we bought him last year either. They were still in the shrink wrap. So I took them back to the CD store and traded them in as *used* and bought a couple of CDs for myself and the girls instead.

He really doesn't get what means to behave and act like a dad.

Not at all.

Finally Friday!

I went to RebelTweeny's school today for "Follow your kid's timetable" to learn about her new school and classes. She is at the school where her dad, the Spousal Unit teaches rather than going to the school in our district. I am okay with that... its a good school and I know some of the teachers.

I learnt that I am not seeing any notes or reports or other information, as RT gets dad to sign off on things and no one brings me notes home, because "dad knows all about this." I told them both, I am a parent too, I am interested in what goes on at school and how you are doing. Everything comes home please . You want dad to sign. That's fine. (it will be the first time ever he's actually been involved) But I expect to see everything. I am now on several email lists with her teachers. Score one for the mom!

And then...

I finally saw for the first time... the SU's fantasy woman. The one he was going to leave me for way back ages ago when he first dropped the bomb. The one who didn't know he existed. What a weird feeling that was. I've never told the whole "how it started story" on my blog, I will have to do that some time. Reader's Digest version is... a week after I got the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech" I learnt that SU had a crush on a woman he worked with. She never knew. She had a boyfriend that SU didn't know about. He really truly believed he could make something happen with her. And of course, she is 20 years younger than him.

I am just very glad now for all my buddies at the Divorce busting board who helped me keep my sanity as I was tempted to go off and stalk her and do all sorts of nutbar things. It was all in his head. And from what I have since learnt... NOTHING would have EVER come of it. He would have seriously embarrassed himself. In a way it's too bad that never happened! She, like many people he works with, does not have a high opinion about him personally. As a teacher, I have heard all right things, but as a person... whole other story.

I digress.. it was still weird. When her name was announced and I saw her face to face. I had to think hard... do I talk to her or not. HMMMM say anything ... something? Nope... I've got four years at this school. Save the nutbar behaviour for when you really need it girl. But I checked her out pretty good, and gave her more than a once over... probably enough to make her feel uncomfortable But I had no reason to chat her up yet.... so I didn't. Knowing how the SU had influence over RT's timetable, I am thinking he's going to make sure RT never has her as a teacher.

I am sooooo glad it's Friday.

It's going to be serious drinks time when I walk in the door after work.

13 on Thursday

Thirteen things the spousal unit has said to me in the last week.

1. Where's the RebelTween? She didn't say where she was going. - to being asked if the kidlet had gone out.
2. Well, am I supposed to pay for this too? - on being handed Rebel's prescription for heart med when the local pharmacy didn't have the pills and I was tired and didn't want to go out a second time.
3. yes - to - are you getting groceries?
4. no -to did my dad call?
5. I will call him later... - on being told his brother called and wanted a call back about vacation plans. No call returned.
6. I will talk to her. On Rebel Tween missing curfew yet again.
7. any mail for me? - On waiting for letter from his lawyer... I found it... and read it before saying... mail? I haven't checked yet today.
8. When is dryer going to be fixed?
9. Why haven't you called to deal with the phone jack problem? AS IF!
10. I would appreciate it if you didn't put the new glasses in the dishwasher. They should be washed by hand. See my response at
11. When does the Rebel go to the cardiologist specialist?
12. Do you want any steak?
13. Could you put some money into the line of credit so I can fix my car? - again.. see my response... #9.

13 on Thursday

13 things on the floor in the spare room where the spouse sleeps.

Rebel says it clearly speaks to his state of mind. "He needs serious counselling .... I mean serious!" Out of the mouths of the babes... even the adult ones...

1. Empty energy bar boxes & wrappers
2. Books
3. Empty bottles of sparkling water
4. Half full bottles of sparkling water
5. Glasses
6. Cups half full of stale coffee
7. Several old editions of tv guides
8. Current edition of tv guide
9. Pencils
10. Pens
11. Shirts
and of course the classics:
12. Socks
13. Underwear

Wordless Wednesday

Thirteen on Thursday

I guess I am still angry.
Why?

1. Because he is forcing me to make changes that even though I KNOW I have to .... I don't want to.
2. The Rebel and Tweeny are being forced to make changes that they should not have to make.
3. He believes this is the "natural order" of things... "I am weird, I can't think of what else to do so this must be the path."
4. "I'm fine... I don't need therapy - there is NOTHING wrong with me."
5. "This is the way it has to be because there is no other way."
6. The fact that he never once asked me what I wanted and really - never respected any of my choices.
7. The damn house... the unfinished nature of every project he has started since 2001 is the indicator of his state of mind.
8. And if I keep the damn house - which I wish to do - for the Rebel and Tweeny - I will get stuck fixing his messes.
9. His complete lack of faith in ANYTHING - including himself.
10. The stories he spins to prove his point.
11. His revision of our history - THIS one really frosts my nose!
12. The fact that he wants my money when I supported him when he couldn't be bothered taking a job as waited for the perfect offer.*
13. His alcoholic, dismissive, condescending selfishness that make him believe - this is *right & just*

It isn't.
But HE isn't going to change his mind. He has checked out. LONG ago.

So... I breathe.... low & slow, I'll earn to reprogramme my reactions, change my subliminal messages and move on so I don't make the same freakin mistake again. Until I get to that point I need a punching bag and very big bat. It sure beats smashing dishes on the ceramic floor.

Thirteen on Thursday

The spouse was preparing for some lunch potluck thing at his work. He went in search of a tin of soup. Found one tin. I said oh... I used the second tin in the sauce I made for dinner on Sunday. WELL! Hissy fit supreme. It's most fascinating watching a man have a hissy fit.
For the regular readers yo may recall he has a "thing" about "his food" A-HEM... "his food?" yeah.. right. What EvEr!

So in the spirit of ennuie and observation of male hissiness... today's Thursday 13 is

What to say when your spouse
accuses you of taking "his" can of soup from the pantry.

1 You're kidding, right?
2 Your can of soup? See no.1
3 Next time, put your name on "your" food. See no.1
4 Umm ever try an interesting concept known as
'COMM YOU NI- KA -SHUN!!!! Maybe talk to me and tell me you have something you need for a potlluck or something, and of course, I'll leave it alone. I can improvise in the kitchen.
5 Build yourself a special pantry cupboard with a lock so that no can touch "your" special cans of soup.
6 Hide your special soup cans in the basement with your empty whiskey bottles.
7 Buy four cans of soup even if you only need two so that if someone takes one of "your" cans, there will still be an extra!
8 Ask for his forgiveness for taking "his" can of soup. See no.1
9 Rush right out and buy him another can of soup. See no. 1
10 Tell him to run out to KFC and buy some ready made gravy
11 Tell him ixnay on the gravy .... too high in carbs and fat calories, no one will want it.
12 Tell him that amateur hour is over in the kitchen and you'll help out and make gravy without the soup.
13 Roll your eyes as his hissiness increases as he stomps around the kitchen slamming pantry doors and tell him to pound sand. (Thanks Blondie!)

Who we were

I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. Calista Flockhart, Sally Field, Robe Lowe and and whole bunch more make up a fine ensemble cast.

I like it because it's a quirky little drama with some funny, some poignant moments.

Last night, it hit a little close to home.

The Robe Lowe character has gone through a divorce and is now playing the game with our pal Calista. He says about his marriage and ex-wife " I miss who we were, but not what we became." The eldest sister and her husband - also going through a bit of time. " I miss us," she says to her husband after walking in on him at home enjoying a laugh with one of their kids' mom!

And I guess that's a lot of what I am feeling these days. I miss who we were. Some of you were there when we first married. You know that promise of the future, of plans, of lots of laughter as well as building a life together. When someone says to you "I'll love you forever" I and those who witnessed it believed it. We go through the tough times and come out of it stronger. We should learn from it and weave an even tighter bond.

But that's not always the case.

Why?
dammed if I know.

To see it crash down so badly - and really - for no real reason that I can fathom. It hurts and it makes me sad. How does one go from wanting to be something and someone, to ending up with your hand around a scotch glass every night? It's pathetic and it makes me very angry.

My counsellor told me "It really isn't about you. He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting himself." And that too is so so sad. It's not who he was, it's who he has become. And I know I can't really do anything about it. So indeed how do I move on and be who I need to be? I sure don't like THIS feeling. I would rather have the friends for dinner, head out to movies and be with someone who wants me for me. And feel an uplifted spririt rather than this sorrow that is forcing me to live a life I didn't ask for and really don't want.

That doesn't seem too much to ask for. I thought I had that. I thought it was a partnership. It's really not me.
It's him. he's not interested in seeing himself as he is. He's not interested in doing ANYTHING to make it change. I am not sure he could change even if he wanted to. The amount of work he needs to do to get there is - nothing short of monumental. I guess he doesn't see it as worth while. And that too... is such a waste and so sad.

It's not me. It's him. His loss... utterly and totally.

Friday Five.

Spent the hour with my counsellor yesterday talking about why I shredded forms, and why I am not rushing into doing anything.

Man it hurt!

It was painful! But it is healing as well. Understanding who we are and why we do what we do and why we feel the way we do about those closest to us is critical from a learning perspective. ( Why do I choose men who are distant?)

I didn't write a Thursday Thirteen so I will make up for this with a Friday Five - Be grateful it could have been Fifteen!

1. Rejection. His rejection of me - of our life together is keeping me from moving forward No doubt this is somewhat about ego, about who I thought he was, seeing myself as a certain kind of person. No one lives to be rejected.
2. Hurt. See number 1
3. Distance. His inability to be close, to communicate has created huge barriers
4. Quitting. I am not a quitter. Is this quitting? Or giving up? No it's not. Life is not a game.
5. "It's not you - it's me." They all say it. And ya know. He is right! He is damaged, distant, emotionally detached, and singular. It's sad really. So how do I now keep that in mind and have it help me deal with point! We've come full circle.

BONUS :
Patricia Wall
Trish is not my counsellor. I heard her speak earlier this week at Breakfast meeting.
I am intrigued with her work. Her work and ability to help people change - physically, mentally - A fascinating approach to getting your life into new patterns or new modalities.

Negativity

One has to ask what it was that turned the spouse and made him into such a negative being. I ask this today, because last night after I arrived home from the second root canal appointment - nothing like a shot of novocaine and adrenaline going straight from the vein to the heart… whoa… talk about a head rush - and at least… no charge – thank you very much- I did attempt to discuss with the spouse some educational facts I learned at work during a presentation from guest lecturers.

Spouse was very surprised that I was not as aware of the information as he thought I *should * be. Ok… history has never been of keen interest to me, but the work I do now and the travels I’ve had in historic Europe are creating some interest in learning more. Now that I don’t have to bother with essays and exams and the such history is a little more interesting.

At one point, as I was speaking, I was rudely interrupted, it happens all the time with the spouse, and I just didn’t think it was very nice. “You interrupted me, I wasn’t finished,” I said. “No I didn’t, I want to make a point,“ he retorts.

“Yeah Dad, you interrupted,” pipes up Tweeny, “you do it a lot actually,” she continues.

I don’t have to say anything, and he looks back at me, and says, “You’re always so negative. I don’t understand why you always have to be so negative!” ok… where did that come from?

Umm this rather stuns me, as I don’t like to believe I am a negative person. My cup is always at least half full - in all walks of my life; at work, my professional life, my personal life and whatever else I have going on, it has never been suggested to me in any way that I am a negative person. And believe me, you, friendly readers, who know me, and have been with me and around me and have kicked me in the pants when I needed it, but never because of my attitude.

I mean really, after being in sales for a few years, negativity is something that gets kicked out the door very quickly. There is no success in being negative, something I learned long ago.

Perhaps it is projection. Because he is feeling so negative about his own life: his status, his lack of friends, no professional recognition, no encouragement or love from his own family, his cynical nature as created an air of negativity around him. And so he attempts to project it on me. In the end I didn’t finish my anecdote about the fascinating things I learned at work yesterday, and he stomped off after I suggested that negativity was not a criticism I would accept.


And why else I would I still be where I am if I didn't think things could change... for the positive?!

It's really not the money

It's Halloween. I am late getting home. Tweeny is beside herself because her friends aren't being very nice. She fixes that problem some how after some small amount of hysteria.

I look at the window... no jack-o-latnern.
Me to spoouse - "Where's the jack o lantern I bought at work at the fundraising auction?"
Spouse: "I don't know. You bought the pumpkin, you're in charge."
Me "What? Did I hear you correctly? I bought the pumpkin so I am in charge?"
Spouse" I usually get the pumpkin. You bought it you do what needs to be done."
Me "I just walked in the door, I haven't had supper, and Tweeny has been upset. Is there something that offends you about the pumpkin that you can put it on display?'
Spouse " You bought it, you deal with it"

And he pours himself a drink and disappears into the basement.

The renovations.

Why did you do this? He asks He is furious. I expected that.

The window has been broken since March. The hall has had lightbulbs hnaging from the ceiling since last June. I really didn't think you were interested in finishing the work.

I wanted to replace the entire window. We can't afford a new window.

Well then, wouldn't replacing the glass make sense? The insurance will cover it.

Oh so we pay twice then. And the guy did a shitty job installing it.

At this point Rebel Teen walks in. WOW! Finally we don't look like a trailer trash house any more. Cool. Very neat lights mom! This is what all the new condos in Calgary have. I like this.

I look over at the spousal unit - he says nothing - for minute.

Then he starts in on;

how I don't help him, (when I do - it's not good enough, fast enough or perfect enough)
how I did everything without discussing with him (yes because if I had discussed he would have said no, and I'd still be waiting for anything to happen. He wouldn't do it even though there is no cash involved in most of what needed to get done. )
On money- well, paint fix ups in bathrooms - no cost
Light fixtures - already purchase... MONTHS ago sitting collecting dust on his worktable- and absorbed into cash flow
switches and changes to door bell... less than $100!

I got very angry and unfortunately when I get angry I cry! So... I bit down on my lip, and instead of crying - all I said in a very quiet voice was:

This is not about money. This is about you making choices about what you feel like doing and not what needs to be done! I have tried giving you a list. I have tried asking when, I have tried handing you money. None of it worked. You just don't feel like doing the work and so you don't.

I have decided that that means I have to do it because you don't want to. So perhaps it isn't up to your standards, and that's too bad. You're the only one who will notice.

As for money, let's remember that that the renovations were started and nearly completed with money I inherited from my mother's estate.

And.... as you heard dear spouse, our children have been too embarrassed to have their friends over here because of how things looked. That is telling! If nothing else... THAT alone should have have made him move.

It was the turning of things to make me look as if I didn't want to do anything or help the Master Contractor that I found most frustrating. Why all of a sudden am I not only expected to cook meals, clean the house, take care of the kids stuff hold down a job, deal with the garden and yard and now I am supposed to be right hand apprentice too?

I do NOT think so!

So when he asked if I had other plans, I gave him the list! Verbally - all of it needing to be done and costs time, but not money. He knows where I stand. He also knows I am not bluffing.

l

Phriday Philosophy

I know... pretty bad piece of a title...but I've had this sitting around for some time now, and figured it's time to use it.

"Men are like trains.They are going somewhere.Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train. You cannot change a man's direction to yours without losing trust in his capacity to navigate."
--From "Dear Lover," a book by David Deida

OK... so what does mean for someone like me? I've always had to navigate. It seems without my map, we have ended up at a dead end... or worse... I believe he's headed over a cliff.

The Rebel Teen asked me this morning as I drove her to school if her father had a drinking problem. She noticed she said, a whiskey kind of smell around him. She says that her sister the Tweeny also said something to her. Talk about being de-railed!

Losing trust? Whose? His or mine? Hmmmm

I need to address my own procrastination. The train is going and coming to that proverbial fork in the road. I have the road map, just not feeling quite as confident as I must to take the turn. I don't think his choosing the path is a unilateral decision is it? Because where that road goes.... not at all a comfortable ride at all. We're talking milk run rather than express.

The time is near for me to choose. The holidays are nearly upon us, and I did say last Christmas, (go back and read those posts) that I won't have another day like the last. Shall move forward and need the plan in place as the holly jolly time of year comes closer!

And... as I sit here and create... the electrician has installed the hall lighting, both upstairs and down, changed half the switches, put in dimmers, and a new doorbell!

The window is replaced! Wow... clear and clean! We're lookin like first class finally rather than economy! Wait oh wait for the negative - take money on it - reaction of the spousal unit!

Close to Christmas. Now what?

I have no idea what he is planning for Christmas. The house is still a disaster... I have not been able to pull out all the holiday gear and dress up the house! Dress up? Geez I'd be happy if I could get at least some underwear on this place never mind the holiday wear. Sigh..

I've tried asking politely, I've tried nagging, I've tried being the business like managerial me... and he continues to move at the pace he choose to work at... which is pretty much not at all.

He did some volunteer carpentry work for his job. and so our stuff was put behind again. I still have a closet with no rod for coats, and the floor is building up a mountain of kid coats.

I am not feeling sorry for myself at all, just frustration. I love parties, I love having people over for dinner, and I can't. There is no where to put them in my construction zone of a living room.

I have a bunch of open houses and parties to go to, and I am not sure I even want to take him with me. He's turned into kind of a know-it-all, on every subject. He speaks with authority he doesn't have, he interrupts any one who disagrees with him, and frankly, it's just starting to become tiresome, and worse, embarrassing. He never used to be that way. The concept of cocktail party, where social chit chat and moving among people is not an idean he cares to follow. See #7 at the link! Standard operating procedure at a party!
http://www.ehow.com/how_9725_be-proper-guest.html

Last time we went out, he talked to one person, and every time the person tried to disengage, he didn't get it. I finally grabbed him by the arm and told him I wanted him to come meet some people.

After we got into the car he asked me why I "grabbed" him and "made" him talk to those boring, tiresome guys. I explained how the idea was to have a little food, keep a drink in hand and chat with many people about nothing too serious. Serious is not how these things work.

Well, it would appear that He got all offended and started sulking and he said he didn't want to follow the "cocktail rules" I mean really! So we ended up having a "discussion" on how to play the game. "I don't have to play the game... because I am me!" sigh.... So, I have decided I am not going to invite him to parties from my work, and my friends any longer. It's just too embarrassing.

And then I still went ahead and bought him a leather car coat for Christmas this year. I had to clue what to buy him. A friend bought her husband a leather coat, and so I though... yeah that's a pretty good idea. It was on sale. Seemed like a good idea!

We may end up with a friend or two over for the day. Said friend has asked me what my husband's problem is about his "know-it-all" issues. Christmas could be polite, or it could end up in a disaster... not sure what we'll do.

So... time to wrap the gifts, finishing the speciality Christmas foods, and hope the house isn't naked next week if a friend or two pops by!

More than one kind of turkey!

My goodness. I really need to write more than once every two months, otherwise what is the point.
The home computer crashed the other week so now I sit at the public library with all the deprived kids and do my email. Who has time during the day.

I was out of town on business for a week and I hafta tell you, it was probably the most stress free week I've had in a looooong time. It was sheer bliss.

No partner around to worry about. No one telling me how to do anything. I mean stress at work I don't mind, but this spousal unit of mine is really starting to take its toll.

Two topics today. Thanksgiving and Renovations. Mutually exclusive, but both annoying involving the same third party.

My spousal unit hates painting. Despises it. His big problem though is that he can stand anyone else who isn't a perfectionist painting the place either.

One of his "young friends" broke up with his girlfriend. Said girlfriend is someone looking to get into decor/organizing/ game and started using our place and spouse's tutelage to get started. So the spouse decided to offer her a painting job... without consulting me. I told him I was not quite thrilled with this decision. Her constant cheery chirpiness and awe under spouse's eye gets to be irksome after a bit. So our "Eldon" ( remember Murphy Brown?) shows up when she is not on shift and does whatever the spouse leaves her to do. Fine.. nice job, but she is starting to re -arrange my living room, move things where I don't want them. I move them back and Spouse seems to think her way is better.

I need to find some graphic ways of displaying what my little living/dining room looks like and what I want vs what she thinks.

Ok... so maybe I am being a bitch, but... if I want advise, I'll ask for it. My kids and I already have ideas, which dad/spouse doesn't want to know anything about. His disparaging remarks on any thing I or children suggest is now going from irksome to hurtful.

Now we get to Thanksgiving weekend. We always have turkey on Sunday rather than Monday.
I had planned on going to church that Sunday and spouse was up earlier than the norm for him... around 9 AM. He started fussing with the turkey and messing around what is normally MY domain. I couldn't do a thing right that day. The turkey was not cleaned properly. The stuffing wasn't made well. ANd it went on. I decided to do a very immature thing and took my cup of coffee to the bedroom, shut the door and started reading rather than listen to his every comment, but something, I have been doing for the last 20 years!

Our oldest had not turned up at home that previous night either and while I was pretty sure I knew what had happened I wanted to stick around and wait for a call. And our "Eldon" showed up and started commiserating and trying to evoke something. I wanted to slap her and tell her just shut up and paint.

I decided to head out for a few hours and leave the spouse completely in charge. I had some errands to run. I came home and decided rather childishly to not join the family for dinner. "Eldon" had apparently been invited. Why? I have no idea as I knew that she was having another dinner the next day with her own friends.

I behaved rather badly, but didn't care. I pleaded a headache and went up to the bedroom and watched movies.
Spouse did all the cooking, cleaning and putting away. I did nothing. This has never ever happened before.

A good friend suggested I might be jealous. Knowing what I do about the spouse - his need for attention and a chance to show off his peacock feathers, perhaps this is true. He's been busy giving "Eldon" advise on everything from finances, buying a car to home repairs. I roll my eyes, and she seems to eat it up.

Today she is doing her laundry at our place. I am going to have to tell the spouse that this stops. I went down to do our laundry and I can't even use my own machine! I want Sunday to be a day off. No one around. I've had it!

Once the painting is done... she is gone. Spouse said something about her "friendship." I informed him that I have plenty of friends, and even if I wanted/needed a friend young enough to be my daughter it would be with one of the young ones I work with, with whom I could have far more scintillating conversations that our "Eldon" could muster up. I believe he was stunned since he tends to hang around many people young enough to be our children.

But that my friends... is a story for another day.

Fathers & Sons Part 2

So the outlaws were in town an entire month and didn't bother to visit once. Oh wait... mom in law showed up for about half an hour four days before leaving town. Her friend drove her in because her husband just didn't feel like coming to visit his son!

How does that work? The guy drives 3 days to get here, drives past our town to go stay in the miserable little cottage about another hour away, but doesn't stop to visit his son. Dad out law is 86 years old give or take a year, and has numerous lung ailments. Mom out law has diabetes, a heart condition, ongoing gastric stuff and isn't much younger. They are living in a cottage with no telephone, ( no cell either), crappy tv reception, and no air conditioning. The humidity has been over 35 degrees C more often than not. It's hot, and sticky and miserable.

Our home has telephones, air conditioning and television with cable!
Mom out law comes by to visit and tells her son they will be leaving in four days. Son scrambles to go and visit out at the cottage. The rest of us all had plans that we were not happy about changing. We don't change our plans to stay for dinner. The people who own the cottage are rather taken aback by our short visit. It's none of their business.

As we arrive dad outlaw, as expected, gives son a tough time about NOT calling or coming for a visit. Son tries to reason and explain that they are the retired ones, we are the ones working and busy with kids and house stuff this summer. We can't reach them, and the one time we did take a drive, no one was around.

Dad outlaw starts the violin music and tells us he just didn't feel like going anywhere (except a wedding , except a flea market - twice- except to visit old boys, except except!!!) BUT... he couldn't visit his own son and grandchildren.

And I wonder why my spouse is as fucked up in the head as he is?!!
Some would say it's time to get over it. some would tell him to tell the ole man to take a hike. Some would ask why bother?? All thoughts and ideas worth pondering and questioning.

No doubt the spouse is too afraid to open that door and wonder why he won't answer the questions and do the pondering. Time with ole man is running out and nothing changes.

Ya see... it always comes back to your parents. Every single time. Psychology 101.

It's Another Saturday Night

It has been some time since I've written anything. My point is, why post for the sake of posting. I'd rather rant about something semi useful than just blah blah blah for the sake of it.

Something that I remember reading when I used to "live" at the Divorce Busting site is that many women would plot and plan their escapes from their marriages. Husbands were usually stunned beyond belief when they arrived home from work and found their homes semi emptied if they were lucky and a note on the table or mantle with the usual "Dear John" bit.

Well, I've been doing that plotting and planning lately. My spousal unit has been more obnoxious than usual. ( might have to do with the lack of sex perhaps, but go back a few posts to my POV on that issue!) might have to do with his general crabbiness because of his job.. or it must be that he's just a crabby middle aged jerk. ( there was a post about that too)

One friend of mine who was married when we were barely finished high school, had her kids young, was a stay at home mom, dumped her husband the minute her kids were out of the nest. She told me she despised having him around. He spent so much time away from home that when he was finally around, she found it hard having him in her circle. She said she plotted her "escape" for over 5 years before she finally decided the time was right. She needed him out of her life.

At the time I was stunned. I had had the bomb dropped on me and I was a victim. I sided with her husband, and suggested she try a little harder to re-build the relationship, to learn how to be a new partner, all those things that those of us who want to stay married all do when a bomb gets dropped on us. As with the usual walk-away-spouses she was not interested. He ended up marrying again. There are a number of problems with the kids - girls - who really don't spend a lot of time with dad. And also don't have a very positive view of dad either.

I did my time trying to make things work. For a while we did. Never quite the way I would have liked and God forbid if I raised anything, he didn't want to hear it.

So I now plot. I am trying to build a separate cash stash. I have several lawyers I can call. I am looking at housing locations and pricing wondering what I would be able to afford without him.

My dad is here visiting for the week. It's a little hard entertaining him while trying to work and do the usual stuff. He follows us around the house like a lost puppy. He didn't go anywhere on his own. Wouldn't get on a bus, wouldn't take my car, just sat in our house and didn't go anywhere unless we took him.

Today, Saturday we went to the new War Museum. I asked the spouse if this was a good idea. He said sure and we'll take him somewhere "local and non franchised" for lunch. So today arrives, and spouse is his usual crabby self. Dad has said nothing about his attitude all week, but while he may not be the brightest light in the dept, he must sense the asshole factor. We take the youngest kidlet with us. We get to the new Museum, and there is a lot to absorb... Cdn war history from prehistory to modern Peace Keeping times... many many exhibits, and tableaus, lots to read. Dad, sort of follows us along, and I tell him... it's okay... go do your own thing, go where you're interested we'll meet you in a couple if hours. He continues to follow. Kid is getting bored I tell her to ask her dad who knows a lot to explain some of the stuff she may not quite get. Dad has disappeared. No where to be found.

We rendez vous and he is telling me to hurry up (ya gotta understand this is a new facility, it's huge, I like to read everything. I was fascinated, and wanted to know more) WHAT was the rush?? Well Mr Husband tells me he's been through the old museum about four times and he's seen enough. Plus he has to go out to one of his "young friend's" house where he is busy helping him with a bookshelf or some such excuse. So I, now in a very pissy mood, ask him if he knows how many times his wife and daughter and father -in-law have been through. He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders with a no/who cares kind of way and I tell him it's all new to us, and being a teacher type it would have been a nice way for him to bond with his daughter instead of running away like a petulant stubborn kid. It was not very dad like! He didn't take kindly to that. .

My dad following us along instead of enjoying and reading the tableaus was a tad irritating, but understandably so. This is a man who wouldn't turn in any direction before consulting his wife. Widower hood doesn't suit him well at all.

Lunch time was no better. The husband didn't try and hold a conversation. It was rudeness beyond belief. Now my dad is not the most articulate soul on the earth either on most subjects but he was buying and it would not have required any effort to try and be charming to a point. But no. He had nothing but sarcastic remarks about the clientèle at the restaurant, the service and quality of the food, all uncalled for. I just wanted to pour my Stella in his lap. Waste of a beer though. It was behaviour worthy of a hormonal sulky teenager not a grown middle aged man who should be thankful he has a father in law wanting to pick up the tab.

We finally got home and he raced to the garage to play with his power tools. He left us at home again, and warned me that it would be a "late night" as his young friend was having "one of his parties." My 53 year old husband likes to think he's one of the young ones and stay out all night with them.

Is there any point in talking to him I wonder? He has said many times he finds our neighbours "mundane and boring" He has nothing to say to them. It was such a snotty thing to say. He never engages in chit chat with those around the area. I suggested that instead of making assumptions about our neighbours he ought to try talking to them and asking them about their lives and families. I for one, do know one thing, every "mundane" husband I see treats his wife with affection, respect and more attention than I have seen from my academic, pseudo-intellectual, fountain-of-youth chasing partner in years. I'll take that over "intellectual discourse" any time!
And so much for another Saturday night. What's on tv at this time of night? Grab that glass of wine the Pot of Gold chocolates, and off I get!

This and that.

The spouse is out tonight. It's hang out with the lads night. The lads who are young enough to call him "dad" if they chose to!. sigh. So might as well get a few notes up on the board. A little of this... a little of that today.

Had an email from someone who used to be a major poster at the Divorce Busting site. We used to chat a lot. He's moved on. I've moved on.. but every now and again I hear from him. He tried connecting with a woman - swore eternal love and a week later... the whole damn thing was over and he was sounding like he had dropped the bomb and pulled all the usual phrases we hear from the those who say they want out. Plus ca change...

Interestingly, there have been more than few connections made between men and women from the DB site. As far as I am aware..... none of them have come to anything... but the virtual gossip mill was a ton of fun. My friend was no exception.

It would appear that others have taken up the work. Like there is so much of this bad marriage thing going on that the more there are out there willing to help, the better I say.
Royce used to be at the DB site. But there was a time at that board that people were being shut down left right and centre. It was kind of weird. I guess the person running it felt threatened or something. I hear a lot about the freedom of speech in the USA, but it appears they don't really mean it if someone is feeling competition, threatened by competition or just doesn't like what you have to say.
Enough... my point is... Royce used to be a guy we all loved to hear from on our little posts. He had a lot of good sense. Still does. Guess what... he has his own web site, board and book too! Good on him! Several of the smart ones defected to Relationship Resource
http://rrr.kimcm.dk Check it out. A bit of a different style, lots of good people who will coach you through anything. I should go and post a few myself given my round of negative thinking these past few weeks

That plus a couple of hand banging sessions with my therapist. Haven't see her in a couple of years, but I know she would make time for me if I asked her to.

Back to the Midlife Crisis Thing

So for anyone who thinks that the Midlife Crisis thing is a pile of bullshit you oughtta try living with that "phantom" disease for awhile and then tell anyone who has lived it how not real it is. And I mean lived it as in living with someone going through it or actually taking full part in the adventure.
The day I heard "I love you but I am not in love with you" and "it's not you, it's me" and "I feel strange" and "I just don't know where my head is at" is the day life changed pretty much for good.
It was a sucker punch! It was a below-the-belt body blow. Yeah... I knew that things were not as they should be, but THIS??! This I was not expecting.
I don't know how I did it, but I quickly found a web site on mid life that saved me. http://www.midlifeclub.com/. (thanks SWL!) A wonderful woman named "Peg," who is worshipped by people who were living through a spouse's MLC, provided excellent information and experience on how and what to do.
"Hey," I thought, "they ALL say the same things." And I got into it!
I have just read through some of the latest stuff at the MLC site and the two women who started the site have written a book. Good on them. I had a couple of books I went through - some targeting the man going through it, and some for "wife of." None of which were read by the husband who didn't think he was going through anything.

Interestingly I am back at the men don't talk thing. My husband thought he was special, that no one but him felt the way he felt. When I told him it had a name - midlife crisis - he scoffed big time and wouldn't buy it at all. But you see it comes down again to some (many?) men not really talking to anyone.
When women start to "feel or deal" we talk.... to anyone. Our friends at work, our sisters, the girl at the grocery store in front you, anyone who might be "on topic." We figure it out. These MLC guys... they mostly wallow in it - some for weeks, others for months, and the scary part? Some of these men wallow for years! How sad is that. And that is the reason women leave. The wallowing gets old pretty quickly!

This was talked about a lot at the Midlife web site. I have to stay that reading that board was an eye opener. My husband wasn't the only jackass in the world. Okay.. He wasn't a jackass at all, he was having a psychological break and didn't recognize it as such.

MLC manifests itself in many ways...

Sometimes it's spiritual - My Spouse- an atheist I would say, was caught up in a book by some has-been philosopher who was a spiritual pretender talking about the meaning of life in a quasi spiritual sense.

Sometimes it's all about the women. "OMG!! I am married," he says, "and have been for 15, 18, 24 years! And THIS is as good as it gets?!"... as he looks at his bagged out wife and (sometimes it's the gorgeous spandex clad wife!) who is schlepping kids to soccer, and music, cooking dinner, going to work, dealing with the bills, going to church council, singing in the ladies barber shop, and hitting the kick boxing classes as well as fending off sex with a hand down her pants (see previous post) all within the same 20 minute period.

well... No wonder the young one at his work who is twenty years younger and single is starting to look good! No baggage ergo... no schlepping for starters.
And when he takes another good look in the mirror, he "could" be twenty years younger... ok... ten!

Sometimes they just want to be boys again. He obviously can't get the "young one" female so he starts hanging out with boys twenty years younger... the kind he used to be before he "settled" for the schelpping wife, and learns how to "party" all over again. Great! Nothing like a 54 year old grey haired guy partying like a 25 year old! It's what every woman is looking for.

He becomes self absorbed, totally not relating to anything within his own family.
Most women lose it and throw the jerk out. But really how does that help a family? The children? And frankly - the man needs help, even if he doesn't realize it.

Patience. Let him be. Let him play out his party hardy fantasies and wife has to be the responsible one. Forget the whining and criticizing and anything else that could be viewed as negative. You won't change him - you won't change his perception. Leave him be but don't leave him ya know?
If you have the patience some of them will come round and realize what idiots they've been. I have heard it happens. And when it does... get ready...
You can have your turn at your Midlife Crisis!