Happy New Year!

It's Gotta Be a Better Year.

We had a quiet Christmas Day which was fine by me. Once again Rebel Junior's friend joined us for dinner. RJ had the gall to bring her cell phone to the table and I had to threaten her with turning it off via the provider if she didn't put it away. WHO would be texting at dinner time? On Christmas Day? Rebel asked a lot of questions about last year's Christmas. We talked about it and told her it's done. She still has a tough time wrapping a lot of stuff through her head. Who can blame her.

Thank goodness I made broth out of the turkey bones because I've had some awful gastro thing for the past three days. Laid me flat in my bed since Boxing Day. I've been living on small amounts of ginger ale, saltine crackers ( the unsalted kind!) and even smaller amounts of turkey broth. My jeans fit great today! I might have to keep the fast for at least another couple of days and see if some of my skirts don't loosen up a bit too!

So I've been invited to two friends places for New Year's Eve. Given the lack of interest in food and booze for the moment, I may just curl up with a book and maybe a chocolate or two and probably stay home and sleep. Though I expect it's gotta be a better year. I am praying on it.

13 on Thursday...

13 things I said at the beginning of every month on the blog. Oh what a difference a year makes.

January SU visited New Year's Day and I took the Rebel's BF with me around supper time yesterday too.

February Rebel was officially re-listed on the heart transplant list on Friday.

March Week three of being in isolation because of the hospital MRSA bacteria, and after two weeks of negative swab test we counted on another negative this week.

April Things seem to be okay with the Rebel.

May 1. Bitch!

June Thankfully I don't have too much to say about Rebel any longer.

July Happy Canada Day!
August Took the day off work Friday to get into long weekend mode early.

September It's a lazy bright and clear Labour Day Monday.

October A Wordless

November The Mediator called to change our first date.

December It continues to surprise me that the SU doesn't believe he is playing favourites with his daughters.
Random 13th ... to finish off the year. Seriously this was random!
I had a plan. But frankly, I need the Blonde because no matter what I tried to do.... it didn't work.

Merry Christmas!

Humbled.

I started to clear out my email in-basket last night, and as I re-read so many of the last year's emails I started to tear up. I sat quietly at the computer re-running again all that we've been through. I came to the realization that there so many emails from friends and family praying for our Rebel I am not ready to delete. It somehow seems wrong to delete all those notes from people sending us prayers, good thoughts, and more.

I know this isn't quite rational. Prayers and good thoughts stay with us whether or not I can see them in the file folders. But I am going to keep them for now. There is a lot I can't even read on the blog and my Facebook page as it brings back a lot of the early trauma, the worry and stress of those tense days worrying and wondering what the outcome would be.

And now I turn around and see my baby - the oldest one- teasing her little sister, hearing the sound of their laughter and I can't even begin, even now, to articulate how grateful, thankful and humbled I am by how she is doing. It's overwhelming.

It's gonna be far from the perfect Christmas, if there even is such a thing - but it will be a good Christmas. My daughters at the table with me - their dad there too.

A quiet blessed day.

Thanks be to God.

Breathe Deep.

A cold has kept me down the last few days. I stayed in bed most of Friday and Saturday. Sunday the weather was so stormy even if I wanted to move I didn't bother.

I have no idea what is going on with the SU either. He didn't get out of his lair til nearly 6 PM on Sunday. I decided I'd better go out and get all the show off my car on Sunday rather than waiting til I had to leave for work on Monday. That was at around 4 PM.

As I am sweeping the snow off the top of the car I started having evil horrible thoughts about whether or not I should find out if the SU was alive or not in his lair. How does someone stay in bed all day without at least coming to see what's going on around the house? I have to admit I started having fantasies/nightmares, of knocking on the door asking if he was alive only to open the door and see him dead - or worse - see a stroke victim. Yikes! If he has had a stroke, I'd have to get him to a hospital - then deal with the girls. Christmas would be miserable - again. After Christmas would be worse. I'd end up having to look after him because - we 're not divorced and I'd have to do the right thing.

By this time, I've finished sweeping the car of snow, and a plow has come by and blocked the end of the drive way so I am trying to shovel up a huge row of snow to ensure I don't get stuck getting out of the drive in the morning.

hmmm maybe I could just put him in some kind of care facility. I don't want to feed him and wipe drool from his face for the rest of my life. How unfair is that?! Can't sic him on his family either as they have enough to deal with with the old folks. It'd be just like him to fuck up his own divorce and end up having to have me look after him. I'd never have sex again because - how do you divorce someone who is now dependent on you? That would just be so unChristian never mind unCatholic!

By now, as I have heaved enough snow and worked myself up into a sweat both physically and mentally, I was psyched up enough to figure I'd better check on the SU when I went back into the house to make sure I got him into a hospital before he was permanently damaged for the rest of my life.

As I walk in the front door and start yanking my boots off I hear Rebel yell - "Dad! You sick or something? What's with the teen age sleep thing? Good morning! Oh wait... yeah... it's 5:30 at NIGHT not MORNING!"

sigh.... breathe deep Marie... breathe deep.

"REJOICE!" they blogged

Peace and Trust Can Win the Day.

Rebel Junior had a dance show at school. She takes a dance class in high school and the show counts as their major exam. It's on for two evenings. It's pretty slick. The school has a very nice auditorium with an amazing sound system. The dancers all girls and one guy from grades 9-12. The tech crew for lights and sound? all girls! When did that happen! RJ was in four dances - She had really done some damage to one of her knees over the weekend while bowling and we weren't sure that she would be able to dance at all. I had wanted to see her on the first night but she didn't want us to come until the second night because they'd be warmed up she said.

Ok... that's what I did. But SU? noooo he went by himself rather than come with me and Rebel. I shake my head. But... am not surprised.
So Rebel and I went and brought along two of RJ's friends who go to another school.

The part that blew me away was during intermission the sound tech crew girls started blasting Led Zeppelin tunes through the auditorium - I don't know who was more surprised.. Me because the kids were all singing along to the Immigrant Song or the kids - because I was singing along with them much to the embarrassment of Rebel!

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day Rebel went into the hospital and started on her long ordeal. She's freaking out a bit. The weather is the same as last year. She was supposed to have attended RJ's dance show last year, but ended up doing something else with the BF. A few things that are similar that are making her a tad crazy.. but getting her through it will be something she can do on her own and something we can help her with. And she has a whole new life . We are going to have a few thanksgiving prayers at home this weekend and at church on Sunday. It truly is a wonderful life.

Thanks be to all above -
and
here on earth who helped make it happen.

Wordless

I got nothin today that's how wordless I am!

A Fine Art.

The Christmas cards are coming in and it's most interesting to see some differences this year.

It's pretty clear who has all the friends. Most of the cards are coming addressed solely to me. SU and I have always had different names and cards would come to Marie and SU. Now it's just me.

There are a few folks who are not in the know about our impending dissolution of marriage and those cards are addressed to Mr and Mrs SU. We haven't received any as yet addressed solely to Mr SU.

When I open the cards addressed just to me - the inside reads Marie and family - I guess that's the etiquette when you know something but not everything and still wish the family a Merry Christmas but not sure who is *in* and who is *out*

I have been attempting to write the annual family newsletter to throw in with the card. I didn't write one last year because we had just started with Rebel's ordeal and the separation was on hold. I was not much in writing news to the world.

I would like to write one this year, but need to do it on the work computer since I don't have my own private space on our home computer. It's writing the thing in such a way that gets ALL the news out about SU and Rebel and our continuing changes without ranting like a crazed whacked-out-about-to-be-separated nutbar wife. Nor do I want to be all emotional and make people cry as they learn about Rebel. A fine art is the of writing the Christmas letter. I may post it up here once it's done just so you all see what I ended up with - for those of you who for some reason or other aren't on the receiving end of things.

I also created an animoto Christmas video with family pics in it. It's only a minute and a bit long, but it sort of speaks to the year. It's all right. The girls hate my video fixation. I LOVE animoto. If I have your email address or you're a friend on Facebook, you'll receive/see it. if you'd like to see it, send me an email and I'll forward it to you. It won't be up on youtube -the world doesn't need to see me in a bathing suit at the spa with the girls.

It's Magical.

There's something quite magical about winter nights. Particularly winter nights with a full moon shining through the trees. I love sitting in my living room looking out into my back yard for hours. My camera isn't good enough to capture the light or the sparkling snow. Trying to describe how beautiful it is - well.. I just can't do it justice.

The snow sparkles like crystals in a jewel. The light of the moon throws shadows from the oak tree that are a rich navy blue colour - not black. It's snapping cold and quiet. And just so peaceful. And I read a book with a small reading lamp so I can enjoy the light and dark and twinkling of the snow.

SU walks in and turns on the lights, huffs and puffs about something. I don't ask any more. I am interrupted from little reverie and wait for him to be done. He leaves, and doesn't turn out the lights. Um... "SU... hit the lights please."
"How can you see anything with that little light?" but he turns out the lights.
Why I bother saying anything I don't know, but I do " I like to look at the night and moonlight - it's not often the full moon and sky are so clear. I like the light and colours."
"yeah... whatever," he says.. and heads back to his basement lair.

I go back to enjoying the night sky, take in the moon, and blue light shining, knowing it's going to be better with someone else someday who loves the light as much as I do.

Thursday Thirteen.....

There are two strikes going on here. A transit strike and a second one that is causing huge delays where pickets are set up in front of the parking lots at work. So the usual 45 minutes commute is now taking over 90 minutes, as we crawl down the road at a maximum speedof 20K an hour. Then upon getting to the road up to the parking lot - I hurry up and wait as the picketers only let through 3 cars every 5-8 minutes. So.. when you're car number 50 in the queue, it's a loooong wait... which brings me to -

13 things to do while sitting in the car
driving and/or waiting

The obvious ones first -

1. drink coffee - but not too much.
2. eat breakfast.
3. do the make up mascara only while waiting, not while driving.

now the more creative bunch -

4. Write the Christmas letter and keep it positive and to one page not including images.
5. Address the Christmas card envelopes.
6. Empty the handbag to see what's making it so heavy.
7. Refill hand bag, throwing away the 40 debit receipts that will never make it to the cheque register and the junk from the last century found in the bottom.
8. Call the office and give them location updates and cancel first two meetings of the day.
9. take pictures with the camera phone of the roadside.
10. Send pictures to all your friends telling them where you are.
11. Send text messages to the Rebel Junior to find out if she is using her phone during school hours.
12. Read a book.
13. Relax. It's out of my control, and I can't do a thing about any of it.

Wordless Wednesday.

Moving Along Amidst Fussing and Fretting.

Next mediation, as expected isn't until after the holidays. It was that or December 23rd. Frankly, two days before Christmas didn't seem the right time for me. I am doing what I can to manage what I can of this process. Perhaps it is prolonging the inevitable, perhaps it's moving along at the pace it is intended to move.

I am waiting to hear from a friend at work who is my new handy man carpenter extraordinaire on what he thinks the 43 items on the "must be fixed" list will cost me in round figures. I'll have to add that to the price that the SU has given me to determine what I will pay for the house. If it's less than what he is will to let of then I will ask that an independent appraiser be brought in and I will hand that person my 43 item list - plus a few other things that didn't make it on, but should have. I am quite sure the SU won't be impressed. That's okay because I am not sure he realizes he's not the only decent and quality carpenter around in the city. I also believe that he doesn't think I am capable of getting these things done without him. Well watch this space!

I've been crashing a bit too. This past weekend I had planned on a scrapbooking evening and a couple of other things, and ended up going to bed around 8 at night because I just didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I didn't sleep that well either, but I just wasn't in the mood for much of anything. Rebel wanted me to drive her and the BF to some party because he didn't want to take his car. I didn't want to do that nor did I want them using my car. So I took both sets of keys with me to my room, shut the door and made it clear I was not too be bothered.

Rebel was a little ticked, but that's just her usual Rebel-ness. I am now finding it difficult to separate Rebel Princess wants and needs from actual needs. I guess once you've had a kid who's been sick to the death, it's really tough to not indulge to the max either. The BF though, I will not indulge. He was to stay sober and drive his own car because the license stipulations are that a beginner driver, our Rebel, can only drive a car with someone supervising her. I doubt that someone who is half in the bag is exactly a good supervisor.

So I will now move on and see what I can do about creating a family Christmas while SU frets and fusses about getting his divorce. Hopefully he'll use the time to find himself somewhere else to do the fretting and fussing.

Proper Care and Feeding of a Guest.

Well I got out of bed on Saturday morning to see that the SU had left the house. WTF? He leaves and he has a guest here. So guess who ended up having to feed, water and entertain said guest. I didn't mind too much because he's an okay enough guy but seriously!

I had planned on getting up because Rebel Junior had a friend sleeping over so I was making pancake batter and cinnamon buns anyway. So he benefited. Otherwise, I would have left the house and he would have had to fend for himself. I was not impressed.

I have a couple of little things to deliver to the mediator tomorrow. And then we'll see how things come together for the next meeting. I am not sure that SU will be out of the house before Christmas. Just as well at this point I guess since it is just a few weeks away. However, I've already done some furniture shopping and am looking around at paint chips. It's gonna be a reno re-do - a complete new look for the place after he's out.

Right now I am having a bit of a time financially. Because I had time off after Rebel was discharged from the hospital I am paying back my employer for the next year. It's not that much every pay but I feel it, and do wonder if I can make it on my own. I've been watching the career boards and have a couple of feelers out. As well, I've been told my position is being reviewed to get it up a couple of notches which is what I would prefer. My line of credit is getting a great work out and I just had my overdraft increased too after a lawyer's cheque, a financial planning cheque and two Mary Kay cheques, and post dated dance class cheque took me from zero to five hundred in less than 24 hours!

Dollars to Doughnuts.

Since this whole divorce thing has been going on, I've been uncomfortable having people over. I just find it difficult what with SU being anti social on a good day and friends knowing what's going on. it's just not pleasant. Even when my best friend flew in from Winnipeg for my big birthday party last year, she stayed at a hotel because I just didn't want her hanging around the house much.

My point is the SU informed me that one of his young friends, the musician fellow who recently moved to the big city to make his fame and fortune as a singer is staying over at our house this evening as he makes his way to Montreal for a gig on Saturday evening.

The question to the SU was "where is this guy going to sleep?" SU is "giving him" the spare room where he sleeps - the one with the Perrier bottles and garbage strewn on the floor - and he is going to sleep in the basement - on the couch. I roll my eyes.

Apparently Rebel told me the friend called SU specifically a few days ago to ask if he could stay with us. I find this odd as this young man has over 700 Facebook friends many right here in town who are even his own age. Why stay at my house? So I asked someone else who knows him well. He didn't even know that this young man was coming to town! sigh..
Dollars to doughnuts (where did that expression come from?) the SU is probably going to Montreal with the young man. Wanna bet?
Interestingly, young man is very much like the SU. That doesn't bode well for his future!

Thursday Thirteen.

13 other uses for vodka
(with thanks to Lidia B
for knowing when to make my day.)

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

5. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

6. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

7. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them. Russian vodka works best

8. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

9. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. Use the cheap American stuff.

10. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

11. To cure foot odour, wash your feet with vodka.

12 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

13. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. If it's going in your mouth ...use the the good stuff.

Besides, He Wasn't Even Funny.

Mediation went all right. The mediator said we did well, so I guess that's what's important.
I hated it. She had us at a round table and I pretty much didn't look at SU entire time we were there. Having done a lot of reading before hand and being prepared helped get through it.

SU walked in the door trying to crack a couple of jokes. I don't laugh at his attempts at humour any longer. I see no reason to make him feel comfortable or to deal with his ineptness in awkward situations. Besides, he wasn't funny.

We started off talking about the girls and their situations and how to handle them. The SU sure told a good story and was doing such a good job of projecting himself as the responsible parent. I let it go for the time being as it wasn't the place or time to spring my traps.

As we moved to the financial stuff we got into the fun. Even as I walked through the door I wasn't sure what I was going to do about the house. Stay or leave. Stay or leave. I wanted a gut instinct and I went with it. I decided to stay in the house and buy out the SU. He was stunned as I had said way back when that I wasn't going to stay. But that was before Rebel took sick and life changed. For now, I'll stay. The mediator asked SU if he was okay with it. And his answer was no surprise - "it's just a house." It's never really been a *home* to him, but *just* a house. And for me that spoke volumes and reinforced thoughts I had but never really articulated about his approach to family life.

SU was surprisingly agreeable to many things. My belief is he feels guilty. Good. I will use that to my advantage every way I can to get what I need.

I am "letting" him have all the living room, dining room and kitchen furniture. It's ugly I've always hated it. Yippee! I will replace it with stuff I like. I'll take the girls with me so they have a say.

Mediator asked about all the contents of the house, stuff of value including the jewelry he gave me. Okay... we're not talking rocks here.. we're talking teeny tiny emerald chips with even teenier tinier diamond chips. And frankly even if they were rocks and not chips... they were gifts and they are mine. Of course, SU magnanimously said "oh I don't need that... they're hers." I guess they are! I expect to re design them anyway and turn them into little pieces for both girls.

SO after two hours we were nearly done. I have to turn up a few pieces of paper from 2006 for back up for the financial stuff. Interestingly - the financial divorce specialist found an error on SU's statements - to my benefit. He was not impressed.

We talked about about the date of separation - I did break the rules once by pushing his buttons... I mentioned the date I learned about his fantasy girl - five years earlier - but did it in an I am the victim kind of way ( so not me!) - then he said something about how he came up with the date he did and I didn't give it any credence...which caused him to show his true nature. I sat on my hands, bit my tongue and let the mediator deal with his outburst. It was good. I felt better. I am done with that - I think.

I am pretty sure I would not have managed as well as I had if it hadn't been for the work I did with Patricia Wall. Breaking bad mental patterns and creating new ones in my head to cope has worked well for me. Doing mediations, figuring out what I am afraid of and dealing with these thoughts helped me not react to things the SU was saying and doing.

Part two will unfold. More than likely before Christmas with the separation papers being completed afterwards I expect.

I went to a friend's place after the session, had two glasses of wine and dinner, vented, and felt better. Went home and slept like a baby.

Wordless Wednesday.

It Will Be Discussed.

It continues to surprise me that the SU doesn't believe he is playing favourites with his daughters. One is seen as the apple of his eye while the other is now kept in check about most of everything she is doing. Most of the time.

Rebel isn't working and has to be particular about the work she does do. Being immuno suppressed means that working in crowded retail conditions - not going to work. Working with money is not great. So her doc tells her to not worry and to allow us to support her. I have no issue with this at all. SU seems to have to play 20 questions with her everytime she asks for money. Now granted, I don't think the BF is really much help and doesn't spend money on movie rentals, dinners out and stuff. She seems to want to pay her own way rather than have him do it - rather in a I am woman hear me roar kind of attitude. Or perhaps the BF is broke all the time. Who knows.

On the other hand the little one seems to get anything she asks for. Yet, she continues to not do the small number of chores I assign, nor does she ever have a nice word about anything. She's become uberRebel! Miss Disrespectful of the highest order. And it ain't fun!

My belief is that the SU is disrespectful towards me and she has picked up on this and believes she can take the same attitude with me. I, on the other hand, may think the SU is a complete jack ass, but I draw the line in his children treating him as anything less than their father. While he doesn't deserve this, I don't need to stoop to his approach. I'll deal with it at the right time.

He told the Rebel Junior that I thought she'd lied to us about some of her plans over the weekend. Rather than try and draw the truth out of her and figure out if she had told us the truth or not, he just flat out told her that I said she was a liar and how did she feel about that. He then had a look on his face that said... "GOTCHA! Now what are you gonna do. ha ha ha. "

And seriously - what AM I gonna do with a father and a soon to be EX who thinks that this is the appropriate way to engage his daughter?

RJ wants to take part in a three month foreign exchange to France or Spain. While I would be all for it, I will not have her disrespecting me and then thinking she can get rewarded. This is going to be a tough one to work through particularly since I am dealing with two juveniles.

Regardless of whether or not "the law" is silent on this matter, it will be discussed as a negotiation point during upcoming mediation sessions.

Mediation date one... tomorrow - Tuesday.

13 on Thursday.

1.The lawyer who died trying / Honora Finkelstein & Susan Smily.
2.Lawyered to death : a Karen Hayes mystery / Michael Biehl.
3.Lawyers gone bad : money, sex and madness in Canada's legal profession / Philip Slayton
4.Lawyers and the nuclear debate/ edited by Maxwell Cohen and Margaret E. Gouin
5.The lawyer's contract marriage / by Amanda Browning
6.Lawyers / Jack Batten
7.Kill all the lawyers : a novel / by William Deverell.
8.Kill all the lawyers : a Solomon vs. Lord novel / Paul Levine.
9.Kill all the lawyers? : Shakespeare's legal appeal / Daniel J. Kornstein.
10.Shoot the lawyer twice/Michael Bower
11. Lincoln the lawyer/ Brian Dirck
12. Happy Hour is for amateurs: a decade in the world's worst profession/Philadelphia Lawer
13.So, you want to be a lawyer, eh? : law school in Canada / Adam Letourneau.

It seems to me

that it is ALWAYS one of those days...

Daily Horoscope by Astrology.com
Tuesday November 25, 2008

Taurus: It's one of those days when you'd just as soon not go out with your mate -- jealousy could flare up over nothing at all. If you're alone, all should be fine, but if not, try to keep your instincts under control.


Controlling my instincts as we blog!

Counting Down.

Well, it's a week and a day to M-day - otherwise known as the first Mediation Date. I am so NOT looking forward to this at all though it is way past its best before before date at this point. While I am moving it along - I am freaking out internally at going through this process. I'm in good hands though.

I had a good meeting with the financial specialist, who upon a quick read of my stuff and the SU's stuff told me that the equalization for pension might not be too bad. It all depends on whether or not the SU *really* believes he's going to work until age 65. While I don't get how this all works yet, it seems that if you say you're working longer - your net worth is less... so who wouldn't say they plan to work longer. AS IF! Though the SU probably would because - what ELSE does he have to do with his life? I would prefer not to, but I will say I am working just to keep things on a more equal footing. Given that I have to give a sworn statement I may have to be careful here. Though people DO change their minds after the fact eh?

This whole equalization thing is wrong. It came into law of course, because women who were stay at home moms as their careers and first jobs didn't have pensions. So when their erstwhile husbands decide to walk away and attempt to leave the mother of their children without so much as two cents to support them, the state had to step in and insist that these dead beat jackasses do what is right - share their pensions and investments and help the wives they were dumping keep living in the manner to which they had become accustomed through the support they provided at the matrimonial home. I somehow don't think it was intended for working women to share their incomes and investments the other way with their working jackass greedy-I'll-show-you! husbands did it? I mean seriously!

No doubt there are a few who would say back.. "you wanted equality - you got it - now give up the cash and let's get on with it!" I won't go into my feminist tirade today - just note that - giving up my pension was not what the law intended I don't believe. I am younger, I am going to live longer and I earned every damn cent without a ton of support from the SU even when we did have what I thought was a solid marriage.

During this next week, I'll be doing the count down and getting myself mentally fit for this ordeal. Now that it's so damn cold outside and the wind is whipping, I'll have to get myself to the gym and walk on the treadmill to nowhere. It should help keep anxiety levels to a low as I vent and pump it out!

Razor Burn.

What is it about men and their razors? I, of course, learned looooong ago that borrowing a man's razor to shave your legs and other body parts is just not on. I learned that if you really want to set a man on edge, drive him completely mental - and not in a good way- use his razor on your legs. You will hear about it. Usually. That's just they way they are. Husbands in particular - don't seem to cut their wives any slack on this one. Newlywed, sex three times a day, whatever, nothing works with the razor question.

But teen age daughters - particularly at the RebelJunior phase don't seem to care much about this fact and major father irritant.

RJ regularly borrows dad's razor. She has her own. A lovely pink Venus with blades that are regularly upgraded changed and replaced. Yet she seems to like the Gillette 6 blade thing that is all torqued in orange and blue. She also likes dad's hairbrush. Need I mention dad doesn't have a lot of hair to give it a good run through and RJ thinks the brush is wasted on his head.

Earilier this week SU - who is never in great humour at the beginning of any day- came barging into the bathroom as I was applying eye liner. He was all huffy and puffy and snorting through his nose but didn't say anything. As I found some make up remover and calmly removed eye liner from my cheek I asked every so casually " looking for something?"

SU replied in that grumpy morning voice of his, " I can't find my brush and my razor isn't where I left it. Oh! THERE it is!" And he reached over into the bathtub and grabbed it from the ledge as he huffed and puffed some more and muttered under his breath. He does that a lot these days....the muttering under the breath thing.

As he is standing there holding a hair brush in one hand, his orange and blue beloved razor in the other, stubbly face and tufts of silver hair gone wild standing on end I'm reminded of Alistair Sim as Ebenezer Scrooge - the movie and thinking - Ebenezer is far more attractive than this muttering middle aged dad.

And so I responded to him the way he responded to me when I was concerned about how RJ was behaving. the one he threw out at me on Monday this week. ( see blog Monday 17th) She's a teenager! They ALL do that. He looked at me, said nothing and stomped down the stairs.

Interesting how when they're being teen agers and it has a direct impact on his day it just doesn't fall the same way.

Thursday 13 follow up.

Routine 13 in the PM

1. glass of wine
2. straighten up clothes to hangers or laundry
3. phone calls to make?
4. check the facebook page, check the emails
5. what's in the snail mail
6. dishwasher status
7. another glass of wine
8. read a book
9. watch some tv
10. wash off the make up
11. eat the vitamins
12. pjs
13. sit on the bed and say another prayer or two

good night

For my dear friend and person without whom I could not blog! Happy Birthday Blondie! Happy Birthday to you! For those who don't know... Blondie helps me blog and has the keys to my castle. Any decorating, colour and even the great titles for my daily blogs come from Blondie.

Many Healthy Happy Years. From me and the boy on the top of the cake. wink wink baby!

Male Dominated Stupid.

Had words with the SU about our mediation dates. Of course he had to raise it while the RebelJunior was in the room with us. Nothing like speaking in code at 7:30 on a Monday morning. The dates were postponed because the mediator's husband was going through some medical procedure on the date that was originally booked. "When are you going to ensure the meeting with Lorraine is kept?" he bellowed at me. I rolled my eyes and didn't buy into his bellowing at all.

The home calendar had a bunch of things listed on it ensuring that I would not be available which was his reason for the bellow. One of the notes concerned an invitation to an event at the hospital where Rebel had her transplant. Rebel wants to attend and wants me with her. The SU has said that I am dragging my feet on the mediation. In fact it was out of my control that the mediator had to change dates and that her new dates didn't fit my schedule. I have given up enough work time this past year and I am not willing to give up more work time because he - SU wants what he wants. As I am saying this my middle aged addled brain had forgotten that I had already agreed to conflicting date and time.

Rebel will go to the hospital event with a good friend who is willing to take her and be supportive while I go spend three hours attempting to negotiate what I want and get the SU to leave the house. At this point if I go and ask for yet another change I can pretty much write the nasty gram that would ensue from the SU's lawyer and save myself the $200 in fees for the Barracuda to write something equally nasty back.

Having said all this, seeing how Rebel Junior has been behaving lately, (did you read yesterday's blog) family counselling is going to be a must. It strikes me that at her age - 14 15 16 - is when things hit the breakpoint. If she is already a recreational drinker ( and gads I hope she isn't) any sort of family trauma could turn her into a crazy ass stupid teen binger. Something that terrifies me but doesn't seem to worry the jackass SU at all.

So I am now riding a stationary bike (fat burning cycle) to nowhere and whining that all the tvs at the gym are turned to male dominated stupid stations. That, plus a pilates class or two and a little single malt will get me through the days.

Really???

I am going to have to figure out a way to insist that the SU take co-parenting classes or counseling once the separation deed has been done. Yet again, Rebel Junior - and she is becoming *quite* the Mini-Me - has her father so wrapped around her finger that he is in complete denial.

He has started using the same mantra as his older brother does around his daughter - "They're teen agers! What do you expect?"
I expect when I say please call at 11 PM so we can pick you up that she'll call.
I expect when I call on her cell phone - the one I pay for - that she'll pick up - the first time!
I expect respectful conversations when we talk -

And the response I get when none of the above happens is - "stop putting 'the hammer' to her - she's a teen ager - they all act like that!"

Really?

When I learned that she'd been drinking alcohol at the party she was at and that she came home drunk - SU 's response was "she's a teen ager - they ALL drink at that age."

Really?

Age 15 and they ALL drink? I think not. Rebel Junior is already out-rebelling the Rebel! She didn't touch alcohol til she was 17 at least. My American friends need to understand that legal drinking age is either 18 or 19 depending where one lives. Not 21.
"So you don't think it's a problem that she is drinking?"
"Well the parents were home at the house she was at. I don't see what I can do about it now."

Really?
That's the best he's got.

He also told me I put down 'the hammer' - whatever that means - when I told RJ when we finally spoke at midnight that no she could not sleep over at her friend's house as this was not planned in advance and I didn't appreciate the last minute request, nor, more importantly, did I appreciate her being rude to me over the phone as I asked her to please get the address of the house she was at so her father could pick her up.

She hung up on me.

I called and woke up another parent, got the phone number, did a reverse search and got an address. I called the house and told the mother to please keep RJ at the house and to please tell her that her father was coming to get her. She left the house and went to another friend's and the SU had to go find her there. She is lucky he went to get her and not me.

Oh... she's "just a teenager" who has her dad jumping through hoops even better than her sister ever could.

Born-again Father
or
just plain jackassery?

On My Time.

This girl is busy this week. Training at work from Wednesday to Friday. A couple of meetings after work or running errands has kept me away from the computer. Okay that and the fact that Rebel Junior claims she has home work and needs to get things done using the computer. Oddly enough though, every time I was in the kitchen I saw no sign of home work and plenty of signs for Facebook, Messenger and lime wire!

The SU keeps trying to arrange mediation dates after lunch time. I don't have time to go to these things in the middle of the work day and stated my preference for a 4 PM start. The mediator's assistance says there aren't a lot of those times left. I have told her I don't do work time sessions. I've missed enough work with Rebel Daughter that I need to stay on track for a few months and get my team back into order.

yeah yeah yeah.. priorities. Well.. frankly - a divorce has never been my priority but my marriage was. Now that the shoe has left that foot, I am not about to make it easy for the SU to get his divorce. Oh it will happen, I've no doubt about it, but he wants it - he has to play ball using my rules. On taking three hours out of my day to fight over my pension - it will get done on my time.

Going back to being busy... I am wondering if I am occupying myself to keep myself out of the house til I know SU has disappeared into his lair? Not good for Rebel Junior for me not to be around - so I am watching my behaviour on this one. SU comes home and doesn't do anything, though I've heard him say that he's been going out doing handy man jobs for other people once again. I just wish once - that these people would call me for a reference check!

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

- John McCrae

Worship From Afar.

What do we call a married man.. yeah yeah yeah.. we know he wants a divorce but still. What do we call a married man who harbours a serious crush on a co worker 20 years younger who doesn't even know he exists? He carries around a stolen photo of her in his wallet along with a little business note she wrote him about.... nothing. He is in serious fantasy land. We have it on very good authority that she is in a relationship with someone. Has been for some time. And not with said married man. She lives five minutes away from said married man. He possibly stalks her street, cruises the grocery stores in her area. Said married man is trying to fix it so his daughter takes classes from her to try and create a "closer" relationship. Perhaps the daughter can influence the 20 years younger woman that he is a fine specimen of a parent. Then she'd get rid of her current beau and throw herself into his nearly 60 year old arms and run away with him. Perhaps she will see how really wonderful he is as he worships her from afar. He stares at her image as he hides in his lair in the basement. He takes a gulp of his three ounce scotch. What do we call the married man?

Freaky, creepy mystery novel....

or

just a bad television sit-com?

Thursday Thirteen.

Routine Thirteen - AM!

1. shower
2. shampoo
3. take meds
4. drink mug of hot water with lemon
5. make coffee
6. make lunch
7. get dressed
8. do make up
9. do hair
10. make the bed with ALL the pillows
11. sit on bed and say a prayer or three
12. grab breakfast
13. drop Rebel off at school maybe

Move along with the day!

It's Beyond Saving.

The Mediator called to change our first date. Her husband has to have some surgical procedure so of course I am accommodating. She wanted us for either the day before or after the planned date, but the Rebel Junior has dance classes on both those days and one of us has to get her there and back. So now I wait for new dates. We are going into December. Oh what a joyous Christmas season this will be.

I chatted with the SIL this weekend. Sister of the SU. She asked me a couple of weeks ago if she could tell her dad about the spousal ennuie and I said it didn't matter to me. In our conversation yesterday she told me that she had told him, but not their mom - who is quite ill and doesn't need to have that stress on her. FIL told SIL that he knew something wasn't right - he could feel it. Which could explain a lot of their behavior of not wanting to visit at our place. Damn SU once again and his perceptions of his relations with his parents has caused some serious rifts all way round. And at this point SIL told her dad "Marie has done everything she could, but you know SU!" And for now, FIL agreed and left it at that. So, regardless of what SU says when he finally says it, IF he ever says it, the entire in law clan has had my story first. For whatever it's worth. I guess I do care what they think of me to some degree. More important they need to know that it was not my choice in the beginning. SU has driven this thing.

I had fully expected the SU to head home over Thanksgiving weekend because his mom is so ill. He didn't. He hasn't called them since early September either. I believe he should head home at Christmas time and spend time with her because she really doesn't have that long. She has a very bad heart condition and she is not on any transplant list I've seen this before with my grandma and she has already lived longer than my grandma. SU is very much in denial or just can't face what needs to be faced. It's not going to be good.

I said to a friend on the weekend - even if somehow he had the thunder clap moment - it's beyond saving. He's killed it. I am moving on. Or trying to.

Happy Halloween!

Thursday Thirteen.

13 reasons why I'm not ready
for winter in October

1. Summer sandals are still sitting in the front entry way under the bench. The storage shoe boxes have gone AWOL!
2. Clothes haven't been rotated out of the closets yet. Winter clothes still in the far closet.
3. Christmas lights aren't up on the house yet.
4. Haven't switched to the winter body moisturizers.
5. Fur coat is still in storage.
6. Winter tires not on yet. (done by end of today though!)
7. Leaves aren't all raked up yet.
8. Spring bulbs aren't planted yet - why give the squirrels any more than I have to!
9. I haven't heard anything about Christmas lists from the girls yet.
10. Dry cleaning - I still have summer dry cleaning to get finished.
11. There is still beer in the fridge.
12. There is still Boones Sangria in the fridge.
13. It's still day light saving time for pete's sake!

Tire'd Out.

It is supposed to snow tonight! Already! There are still a ton of leaves in the back yard from the oak tree that should be raked up but who wants to do this. It rained on the weekend. Sunday was pretty dry and the leaves are not soggy yet. And after tonight's snow fall - 15-20 centimetres! it is supposed to warm right back up again to 15 degrees C about 60 F for those who need a translation.

So I guess it's really time to get the sandals out of the front entry way and dig out the boots!

My car ended up with a flat tire again over the weekend. I founded it when I landed at a friend's to scrapbook. Luckily my friend's husband has an air gun in his garage and offered to put the spare on for me. This is the third time this car has had a flat on this same tire- twice from a puncture and this third time is probably because of the first two times! Follow that? I have to take it to the tire store to get the snow tires on and I think next spring I'll have to get a new tire. Can you put just one new tire on a car? I believe I am supposed to buy them in pairs. But this tire is only two seasons old so AS IF!

These are things that used to be managed by the PU - that's what spouses do right? I am learning to figure it out on my own.

One More Nail.

I decided that when I get to the mediation session - still an entire month away I had better have somewhere to go afterwards to decompress. I fully expect the SU to give me grief or do or say things that will make me completely crazy. Keeping that in check - volatile, emotional being that I am - will not be fun. So I asked a friend if she'd let me come over afterwards to vent and sit for a bit before heading home.

She not only agreed but she is insisting on a couple of coaching sessions before hand so I will know what to expect. She's been through this and knows how mediation works so we will role play. She is also going to walk me through her own separation agreement and explain to me what was what.

That's what friends are for. I believe this will be most beneficial so I will not only be well armed with information, I'll be well briefed and tutored into how to get through the first ordeal. The mediator says that sometimes when things are on a roll, the session can go for three to four hours to get through most of the issues. Having been involved in labour negotations I can just imagine how this will work.

I was a busy scrapbooking crafter this weekend. Thoroughly enjoyed my time with the 20 other women of all ages who were getting photo albums together. For me, it's therapy. Especially the part where I chop heads off pictures!

The younger daughter told me what her plans were for the weekend before I took off. She was going to a friend's over night and then to a soccer tournament at one of the universities on Sunday and then home. We got this nailed down before I left home Saturday afternoon.

When on Sunday afternoon around 3-ish I hadn't heard from her - I started phoning her cell. The cell I pay for her. She wasn't answering my calls or texts. I was not a pleased parent. So of course, I figure may as well ask the other parental unit what plans he made with her. I know, I know, WHY did I waste my time. Of course dear readers, you know how well that turned out.

He parroted back to me the same plan she told me.

"Yes, SU, I know the plan, however what are her time frames. What boundaries did you put in place as you dropped her off?"

" Boundaries" he says. " she'll call me when she's ready to come home! - Don't you trust her?"

"Of course I don't trust her, she's 15 years old and thinks she's smarter than I am in! She needs to understand that there are rules. SHe needs to know we have expectations that need to be met and she also needs to be very clear that I pay for the cell, I expect it to be picked up when I call. The cell is for MY convenience - not hers." As I speak I think in my head for the upteenthe time - Would you please act like a father and parent instead of a chauffer and banker!?!?!?

And so finally three hours later I get the phone call I've been wanting.
Said daughter ends up needing a ride home because she wasn't keeping track of the bus schedules. And none of the other kids' parents that she is with step up to pick these kids up either. She arrived home after 10 PM - and .... home work is incomplete. She started homework at 10:30 PM - Sunday night and the other parental unit ( PU - better ring to it than SU doncha think?) doesn't seem to have a problem with this.

Of course said daughter doesn't get to bed til after midnight, and it follows quite logically that she didn't get her self out of bed til 10 minutes before it was time to leave in the morning today. And who is she trying to rush out of the bathroom because of her own bad time management skills?

In my next house I will have my own private bathroom. I am pretty much done with sharing bathrooms with my girls. But that's a post for another day.

As for PU.... one more nail in the bad parenting coffin files.

And so it went.

The mediator called me at my office and we had our "pre-meeting" earlier this week.

Mediator - Have you looked at our website and do you have any questions for me about the process?

Me - No, I don't. I am good at doing research and I like to know things, so I have a bunch of stuff from the library on mediation, and I have read your website as well as the books I found.

Mediator - Do you need to know about me personally? Or do you want to know about my background?

Me - No - I've checked you out. You were not my first choice so I checked you out thoroughly when the SU rejected my first choice. I know enough. you'll do - even though you are more expensive and not as available as the guy I chose.

She asked some questions about the current state of affairs. I informed her. More about Rebel as well as Rebel Junior AND the SU.

NOTE - so we went through my history - I almost gave her the blog address as I figured it would be easier to let her read and learn it all. But then I remembered - oy yeah.. she's a lawyer mediator - she'll charge us as she reads. As the Rebel says *EFF that!*

Mediator - What can I do to support you through this process?

Me - hmmmm at this point. I really don't know. But when I do, I will tell you.

Mediator - Do either of you have family in town?

Me - No, but I do have good friends and expect to rely on them through this process. I will be fine.

Mediator - If at any time you are not *fine* you need to tell me and I will help you and SU figure out how best to make your moves.

Moving along - do you think SU will be interested in spousal support?

NOTE - at that point I spewed my coffee.

Me - Spousal Support??! AS IF!!!
We each have jobs with good salaries. There is no need.

NOTE - And so it went. From my end of it - she hadn't spoken to the SU as yet - she figures we're pretty straight forward and if we don't fight over custody child support and financial stuff too too much - she figures it shouldn't take too long to get to an agreement.

Thursday Thirteen.

13 things on the financial's
that need to be finished for the sworn statement.
all in December 2006.

1. RRSP statement
2. Credit card statements
3. Salary statements
4. My Aeroplan points?!?!
5. My Club Z points?!!
6. Camp costs
7. Dance programmes
8. Insurance programmes
9. Hair and nail expenses ( heh heh heh)
10.Value of the fur coat ( not enough)
11.Value of the good china
12.Clothing expenses ( see comment no. 9)
13. Any other investment

Barracuda{s}

The Barracuda asks for a meeting before I go in with the mediator next month - so of course I schedule a meeting and off I go. After spending far too much time asking about my daughter - on her nickel - I finally say, "okay - where do we start, why am I here?"

" So.. Marie, have you any questions for me about the process?" and she proceeds to tell me what I should expect in mediation.
" OKAY.. Barracuda? I've done the research I know what to expect. I've read three different books on mediation - they all say the same thing. I've read one book on how to be smart about divorce and I've even read a book on divorce for men. I am getting into this. ( see Wordless from last week) I have my negotiation points all written down here. I am ready to go, except for the finances, and the other barracuda is getting that ready for me. "

"Oh.. you seem well prepared. Other barracuda? There is more than one fish in your pond?" and she sounded more than a little miffed by this.
"Yes, Barracuda, indeed there are more than a few fish and yes.. I am ready. I like to do my research. So to stop me from having to pay you much and to know what I am in for. So rather than pay you for a full hour - are we done?"
"uh.. yeah.. I guess we are. Your strategy is fine. Call me any time during this process if you're not sure about what to do how to do it, or if there is a problem you need to work through."
I am in and out of her meeting room in 15 minutes. I expect the meeting with my other barracuda the financial one to last a tad longer. That's the tough one.
Barracuda $250 per hour. Financial shark ( other barracuda) $75 per hour. And she's an investment manager, financial planner specialising in divorces. Who do you think I will talk to first?

Lawyers! Can't live without them. can't rent them at COSTCO either! Stay tuned. More to come for sure.

Thursday Thirteen.

13 Things that must be considered
when dealing with children and separation.

1. Day to day decisions about- education, religion, health, emergency stuff.
2. Where are they going to live and when?
3. Communication with the "other" parent.
4. Holiday decisions about - Christmas, Easter, birthdays - theirs and ours - Father's Day, Mother's Day, traditional family gatherings.
5. Seeing extended families on both sides.
6. Changing schedules and flexibility.
7. Travel - business without kids, traveling with kids, permission to travel - out of country travel.
8. Make up time.
9. Moving - neighbourhoods, cities.
10. Attending kids functions - dance recitals, sports events, school stuff.
11. Changing names.
12. Death of one or both parents - guardianship.
13. Dispute resolution.

UGH... at least one is already an adult and doesn't really fall into this and the other is 15 going on 27 and speaks her mind.

Wordless Wednesday.

Makes Sense.

As I was clearing out a ton of stuff from what is supposed to be my isle of tranquility - sometimes known as my bedroom, some times known as 'don't know where it goes? Give it to mom' spot - the eldest Rebel came in and asked me why I didn't help her dad with the Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday. I turned around and looked at her and said, 'well... he didn't ask for help, and I know if I offer, he'd say no. If your dad needs help all he has to do is ask me, and of course I'll help. Why wouldn't I?'
'Makes sense,' she said and then proceeded to tell me that he whined in her ear about how I didn't do anything.

I've told her many times, and told her to ensure her sister knows the same, that if the SU starts in with 'tell your mother' or 'why doesn't your mother...' or anything that looks like he is asking them to be a messenger, that they need to tell him to speak with me directly. That way they are not in the middle of anything.

Again the daughter says 'makes sense.' And proceeded to ask me to go with her to pick up some milk from the one local store that was open yesterday.

She is now a driver in training. When she turned 16 she was a Rebel-and-a-half and I told her no license until she finished - completely - her grade 11. There were always boys with cars - so she couldn't be bothered, driving or finishing school. Now she's (finally) hellbent on both. And has turned into the most critical of back seat drivers too.



I swing widely between being pleased that she is driving, and covering my eyes when I am in the car with her.

Fall has arrived!

It's voting day on Tuesday and we don't have any voting cards in the house. How did that happen? When you don't have a voting card it's a mission to be able to vote. With today being the official Thanksgiving holiday nothing is open to be able to find out what ID we need to bring with us to be able to vote. Tomorrow morning I'll have to call our returning office and get the scoop. I predict another minority government.

Thanksgiving Dinner was all right. Rebel's boyfriend stayed with us, but he's an odd one. AS IF I didn't already know this. The two girls started on some rather rude table talk which sent the BF over the edge. Apparently he's got a weak stomach and the minute someone says something the least bit gross he goes green. Weak. very weak. Clearly he's never been to enough family meals anywhere. He wouldn't even stay put at the table NOT eating. He left. I was surprised at the lack of manners. We ended up having a fairly decent time though. Which was nice.

I had nothing to do with meal preparation. SU didn't ask me for help, and I didn't offer. If it had been me, I would have asked for help - I manage and I delegate. Why he wouldn't - who knows.. how cares. The girls enjoyed themselves - that's what matters.

I am walking again - thank goodness. We had a great walk the last few days. The weather has been fantastic. The last few days we've been walking right at dusk. We walk by this pond type pool of water where the Canada geese lay over for the night. Watching the geese all flying down and coming in for landings was so amazing. They land like airplanes.... or is it that the airplanes land like birds? They circle around to get the right down draft and lightly touch the water. Over and over and over again. We must have seen over a hundred of them coming in for the night. I didn't have my camera that evening but against the orange and yellow setting sun the silhouette of the V shape of their flying formation was just lovely. It was quite a sight.

So instead. Here are the geese on Thanksgiving weekend. The noise from the pond was something. I am thinking it sounded something like "HEY! anyone going south to North Carolina? I don't wanna go to South America this year!" "Florida! Anyone going to Florida? Can I hitch a ride with your formation?"

Yeah.. Fall has arrived!

Thursday Thirteen.

13 things done to you at a check up by the doctor

(in this case the nurse practitioner
whose schedule wasn't booked til New Years.)

1. ears poked
2. eyes blinded
3. boobs smushed
4. knees cracked
5. toes tickled
6. back thumped
7. no I don't do street drugs
8. tongue twisted
9. blood drawn
10. stomach pushed
11. pelvis prodded
12. only one glass a night.. seriously!
13. speculum... up there poke poke Yes I know I have a tipped cervix