Legalities

I saw the she-barracuda lawyer yesterday and had to give her "our history." Even now... I still get tears talking about it. Someone told me tears are more about anger than sadness. Perhaps that's true. So even now... I still think... "it's come to this?" It isn't stopping me, but it does still make me angry. And the counsellor would ask "why?" "Why do you feel this way?" I think it's because I still feel a sense of failure... I realize I shouldn't intellectually, but I do. interestingly, when the best friend was here she said her spouse told her... "I have always found that Marie's spouse is a bit a of a condescending bastard." So... it all comes out now. WHO knew right?

Off I go now, to get the documents I need to have my pension and investments appraised. Valuation date is set as the spouse has determined. No point in arguing that one, given the advice from the she barracuda who I know is extremely well versed in the law on these issues. It would have been nice to make him pay twice but she-barracuda said well he could make you pay for his share if you dispute it. Save the fighting for the good stuff. Indeed... and what would the good stuff be. Stay tuned and we'll find out together.

AS IF I have a clue where my tax returns are from three years ago. I am not good at keeping this stuff in an organized fashion. My desk was removed from the house when I left the private sector and the stuff was put in boxes. I found all kinds of cool stuff in a couple of boxes... none of them related to the current millennium. Pay stubs are sitting in the office at work where I don't plan to be for at least another week.

She-barracuda did say that interestingly because the "only" thing we seem to talk about is the kids... her experience is we should be able to get to some kind of agreement on shared care of the the Tweeny. Even if we don't talk about anything else. Perhaps I will remain positive on this one.

Rebel... seeing the doctor today about her pneumonia. She's on drugs.

I think a few drugs at the right time can solve a lot of life's challenges.

But I will settle for a wee dram of Dalwhinnie instead.

13 on Thursday

13 things on the floor in the spare room where the spouse sleeps.

Rebel says it clearly speaks to his state of mind. "He needs serious counselling .... I mean serious!" Out of the mouths of the babes... even the adult ones...

1. Empty energy bar boxes & wrappers
2. Books
3. Empty bottles of sparkling water
4. Half full bottles of sparkling water
5. Glasses
6. Cups half full of stale coffee
7. Several old editions of tv guides
8. Current edition of tv guide
9. Pencils
10. Pens
11. Shirts
and of course the classics:
12. Socks
13. Underwear

Wordless Wednesday

Parental Guidance Gone Wild.

Having been through one teenager and her wild and crazy behaviour , I figured I'd be able to cope a little better with the next one. Alas, with a soon to be ex spousal unit creating havoc on the other side I have a whole new set of challenges.

Tweeny just turned 14 has decided that checking in after school, or ever isn't a necessity.

"I don't have a cell phone so how am I supposed to call you?"

The problem is of course, where the hell are you that there aren't any land lines from which you can make a call. We've had the discussions about cell phones... I don't think a 14 yr old should need one -

"but all my friends have one"

I told her if she wanted a phone she'd have to show a little more maturity and responsibility before I started paying for a phone. Two nights in a row she didn't turn up at home until 11 PM. I was beside myself after the first time. I said to her father - the RAMB Spousal unit, 'so, what's to be done here... what kind of consequences need to be laid out here so she understands that checking in is important - one doesn't leave school at 2:30 PM and NOT check and just show up at home at 11 PM - and how do "we" insure she gets thd emessage. The best he could do was "I'll talk to her." I rolled the eyes and slammed a few doors and left him to the talk. I'd like to see him pay for the cell phone because I flat out refuse at this stage.

Clearly the NEXT evening, "the talk" didn't do anything because again she was out until 11 PM. She showed up at home with her best friend in tow asking if she could sleep over. I immediately said NO...Tweeny says the girl's parents were staying somewhere else overnight and friend didn't want to stay home alone. I still said NO. Friend needed to be at home in case her parents called. She had a dog that needed attention and no sleep over reward. This is one of the two girls involved in previous Great Escape at 1 AM episode. And I should have her sleep over. I don't think so. Said Friend went into theatrical mode and of course, Spousal Unit caved and over ruled me. AND no phone call to Friend's mom to say where the kid was sleeping.

And you know the next morning... 9 AM friend's mom calls me and is NOT happy that her kid is not at home in her own bed. I told her what had transpired. She was even less happy. Of course, it's not as if I could to tell mom what was going on between me and spouse and the stupid game spouse is playing to stay on his Tweeny's good side. I rousted Tweeny's friend, she got on the phone was blasted and immediately RAN home - no breakfast, no back to sleep.

Several hours later, once the Spousal Unit got himself out of bed (he rarely is out of bed before 1 PM on weekends) I informed him of what had happened four hours earlier and that I didn't enjoy being put into that kind of position.
He has never bothered to get to know our kids' friends parents, either by phone or in person. That has always been left to me. He's above that sort of thing, thinking they're not his kind of people so why does he need to bother. Frankly relationship building of ANY kind of ANY sort is not of interest to him. I told him there would be NO more sleep overs or arranging of anything UNLESS he or I had spoken to parents, because I was not going to put myself into any kind of situation between a kid and parent again.

So Tweeny is IMing with said friend and said friend claims that her mom isn't upset with her, that it was okay for her to sleep over and all's well. I find this hard to believe but the spouse does claim this as a winning ticket - and that I 'over reacted." AS IF I am going to believe the words of another tweeny over her mother??! And I told spouse the same.

There were several other incidences this weekend involving Tweeny. In the end I am really NOT sure what kind of discipline and consequences were handed down from Disneyland Dad for her outrageous evening wanderings, and assorted other disrespectful acts. I did tell her that her disrespect was not earning her any mommy points and I was not really interested in putting myself out for her during the weekend. I do know that when I sanctioned her for a couple of things, spouse went and took her shopping. So I punish and he took her out for rewards. Nice!

I did tell spousal unit that we WERE going to family counselling with her and he would attend. Separation or not - we had to co-parent and she was extremely angry and pitting us against each other. If he couldn't see that.... then he was plainly - an idiot. Counselling to figure out how to deal with her anger and to find out why she felt she didn't have to stay within the boundaries we set for her, was not negotiable.

Given the spousal unit's allergy towards counselling - we shall see how well this one turns out during the mediation sessions.

Duck Season!

Go SENS Go!

Exile

I am on a self imposed exile from work - loooong story but suffice to say when the she-manager snapped off a couple of nasty gram emails to me and one member of my staff - an idealistic newbie who didn't need to hear the uninformed opinion of a someone who doesn't get it - I too snapped and decided I needed a break. The emails were reminiscent of notes and comments from the spousal unit and I decided that I don't need that coming at me through my life so I checked out.
For three weeks.

Around the home front things are kind of in a holding pattern until I get to see the She-barracuda. I am pretty well ready for it, but I anticipate a rather difficult time of it when things get going. I am thinking enough already! I just want to move now.

The Rebel seems to have some sort of pain - clinic doc diagnosed it as something wrong with her liver. He put her on meds and she has to get blood tests. I told the spousal unit, who seems less than concerned. Doesn't help that Rebel chooses to sleep elsewhere but home. I suspect that is a result of feeling the tension at home. A 19 year old shouldn't be having these sorts of medical complaints and I have told her to swear off booze and cigarettes too. I have to roust her out and get her to the lab for blood tests. The doc is also thinking mono.... which wouldn't surprise me.

My belief is that once things change around here she may be around more often. The sooner we get a new attitude in this home of mine the sooner Rebel may be feeling comfortable about being around the house.

I should not be bored... but I am . I really truly hate anything to do with housekeeping... HOWEVER I have been shredding and there is some satisfaction in watching all the piles and boxes of useless files disappear.

It's hot here.... over 90F/31C while in Calgary.... they had snow! And in Newfoundland where I was supposed to be it's chillin at 32F/0C brrrrr. We got this programmable thermostat that drives me mad... I can't figure out how to turn the thing off and on. But the fan that I had installed is on and the heat isn't that penetrating the house much.

Good weekend all.

Lily.... RUN ON marathon woman!

RUN ON!!!

13 on Thursday.

Thursday 13 - Random thoughts.

1. When the going gets tough, the tough take stress leave. I am supposed to be elsewhere this week. It didn't work out. So stress leave is my answer. The new she manager is ..... going to be an on going challenge. Even knowing what she knows about the spousal unit and those challenges. The last straw were the emails written in what I call "spousal-speak" Enough was enough.
2. The spousal unit was not impressed again when I suggested that he put me into a legal situation. I reiterated that I would not sign *any* legal document including car swap documents until discussing with counsel. Legal is legal and there are implications. No deal baby. "It's not the same thing," he said. Oh really?!
3. I don't want to be in spouse's car going to kid events any longer. I have lost any interest or desire to be in any close or enclosed space with him. We have to attend Tweeny's theatrical presentations ( she acts... theatre and theatre of real life... but I digress) and dances. Dance recital is this weekend. Spouse asked if I was going to go with him... I am hoping that my giving him the are you an EFFING idiot???? look matched with the WTF in my eyes was answer enough.
4. Time off , means I can clear out a whole whack of junk from the house. Spring cleaning times three. Shredder is working over time. Doctor asked me how I will manage the stress... shredding docs by hand before putting them through the machine seems to work. yeah yeah... he meant exercise I know I know.
5. Seeing the counsellor next week, and need to change strategies for dealing with spouse and kids and then... there is the she-manager. (rolls eyes)
6. I am constantly amazed that the two ladies who lived across the street with their adopted daughter don't seem to have jobs - they don't go anywhere during the day that I can tell, yet they drive new cars every two years, and seem to go on vacations every three months. It's odd.
7. More French classes if I am going to reach the required management French levels... I don't get the jokes... and I can't talk fluent IT yet Needs to happen if I expect to change things where I am at.
8. Thank you cards written for the 50th gifts. Need to get addresses for everyone. Electronic thank yous won't do.
9. I handed over the draft financial information to the expert on finance and divorce. I managed to find the spousal version of same. He's delusional. I expect to see revisions based on what I have provided the expert. She has already advised me to get a line of credit, which I have done. I got enough in a line of credit to go to Hawaii and back... twice! And stay in Maui for two weeks at a time! All meals included. Plus more... I am thinking a trip to Maui might be good for stress relief... even if no Canadian in their right mind goes to Maui in June!
10. Keep reviewing housing lists to review prices and what's out there. Things seem to be heating up.
11. Hmmm how many of the girls have birthdays coming up that I can go and have some fun in the next few days... be afraid girls... be very afraid....
12. I need to go shopping today to find handcuffs somewhere. Two pairs. it's a cute story... i may tell it.
13. Time to try the five new sangria recipes I found and see which one works best for stress relief.

Wordless Wednesday

Party Post Mortem

Well, the party was a smash. The boys in the band... 4 guitars and a drum kit were a tad crowded into my tiny dining room, while the 40 or so women took over the rest of the house. It was a good thing I kept the rented patio tables beause I had no where else to put food! So while it was chilly, it was sunny, and people did go out for fresh air and room to move!

I was overwhelmed with how generous my friends are. I specifically said "just yourself" I don't want or need gifts, but my goodness, lots of wine, scotch ( single malt even) and a lovely bottle of Pol Roger champagne along with Godiva chocolates - which I am told should only be shared with a best girlfriend.

The best friend from my home town flew in for the do. She didn's know a soul but by the end of the eveing was embraced by all the girls here. I have some good photos, and great memories of wonderful evening. The band was awesome, I had plenty of food, and not a lot of leftovers, and it seemd that even though we were crowded people enjoyed themselves.

Rebel was stunned as people kept coming in and hanging around. Tweeny couldn't handle all the women being LOUD and dancing. She took off with friends and only came home after the band was done.

I am blessed with wonderful wonderful friends. The rest... really doesn't matter. I recommend every woman should throw her own party and let loose.

Happy Birthday to Me... a very *happy* blessed, 50 year old babe who can belt out a few numbers with the lads in the band.

PARTY!!

Wordless Wednesday

T - 24 {+ - }

count down to party time - T-24 hours...
40+ women 4 guys in a band...
lots of ciclon punch
Bathroom duty Wednesday AM
appetizer duty Wednesday PM
Manicure and Pedicure... Thursday AM.
Flowers for the table... Thursday post pedicure
Weather.... apparently crappy!
What EvEr!!!
the 'real" date though isn't for another 4 days.

Musings....

Time to get rid of the Ciclon bottle on the side bar. No more free advertising for booze that can not be bought by those who care! Gene Simmons is the man these days. I don't find him in the least bit attractive, (I mean... LOOK at the man - face lift or not!) but I LOVE the show. His son has a killer sense of humour and Shannon Tweed rocks. Can she make that man dance. Listening to her yell GENEIEEEEEE! it's like watching a weird version of I Dream of Jeannie! So Gene Simmons will decorate this space for a bit.

Mother's Day is done. Like my friend over at Annie's Attitude I have a tough time with the whole concept. My spouse never taught his children how to honour their mother, because I suspect he didn't learn this growing up either. Tweeny was her usual Tweeny self, but The Rebel gave me a nice card. It was a little mooshy. She and I are starting to get along... on good days. She is becoming a mature young woman.... sort of... if I could just get her out of the Nike's and into "real girl" shoes.

sigh...

I had asked the spouse for the paint for the bathroom and the hall way as well as the wall repair kits. I told him I was prepared to do the patchwork. I mean how hard can it be? He informed me that I wouldn't do it right. Can you see the eye rolling from where you sit? He proceeded to get the stuff done himself. Man.... if I had realized that all I had to do was say I would do it myself and make as if I was getting ready - things would have been done weeks, no months ago.

My dearest friend is flying up from the home town to come to my party! I had to tell her she had to stay at a hotel what with the spouse taking over the spare room, and frankly, I don't want him back in my bed anyway! The joint line of credit will pay for it I believe. And I will probably have a PJ party and sleep over involving a lot of wine one of those evenings too!

Only 3 days til party time, and I have a TON of stuff to do. Tonight is COSTCO and dessert making night. Cheesecake inside little chocolate cups with saskatoon berry garnish, bread pudding made with my Easter bread leftovers and a bourbon whisky custard sauce. I'll also get the caesar salad dressing made. Tomrrow will be appetizer preparation and clean the bathrooms night. There will be about 35 women in my house. Tweeny is freaked! Rebel has negotiated a pay rate to be my server/slave!

Hockey game tonight. OY! It's gonna be a nail biter. Sens and Sabres. Please no OT tonight! It's too hard to take!

3 days to party time.
How come none of you are coming???!!!

And don't tell me it's cuz I don't have a spare room anymore!

Thirteen on Thursday

13 things I am worrying about

when it comes time to mediate:

1. Spouse will fight about who gets the house.
2. Spouse will fight about where the girls, particularly Tweeny, will spend the majority of their time.
3. Spouse will fight about getting access to my investments.
4. Spouse won't leave when asked.
5. Spouse WILL leave when asked but will leave all his crap behind for me to clean up.
6. Spouse will want to move faster than I am ready to move.
7. Spouse will impose himself on my party even if I ask him not to.
8. Spouse's family will hate my guts.
9. Spouse's family will blame me 100%.
10. Spouse will start drinking again.
11. Spouse will behave like a RAMB during mediation but still refuse counselling.
12. Spouse will behave very well during mediation and that will cause me to wonder what he really wants.
13. Spouse will walk away from everything as if the past 24 years never happened.

AS IF I do ANYTHING about the above? Of course not. It is out of my control. I need to clear out the worries and get this fixed in my brain so I feel safe. (Limbic brain conditioning)

Regardless of what the Spouse does or says, I WILL be fine. I can control what I can control. I need to change my thought patterns and create a positive vibe rather than this worrying vibe.

Besides, I have a party to get ready for. It's in exactly

ONE WEEK!

I have the dress, the shoes and most of the food!
30 people have said they are coming!

Party like it's 1999!!

And So It Goes.

Tweeny had her birthday yesterday. It wasn't a big deal because she wants to have a party at the end of the week, which was fine by me. She didn't want a birthday cake on her day. She only wanted her present. I met her and a good friend and the spouse at a local favourite restaurant. I could see the spouse watching me from the restaurant window as I parked my car. ( his car really - see two posts above) All I could think of as I got out of the car in my high heels and suit was don't effing trip girl. Walk with your head high and a swing in your hips. Let me see what he is giving away! Why bother? I don't know. But it makes me feel better.

I was late arriving home from work - no mother of the year award here - I was speaking at a conference and the schedule was changed at the last minutes. Truth be told as well, dear friends from grad school were at this conference and we had to have a chat and a glass of wine before I left. One of the friends is a devout Catholic. She has met the spouse. She is a very frank woman. Always has been. When she asked.. so Marie.. how's the spouse? I told her.

It continues to surprise me what people tell me now that these wheels are in motion.

"Marie, I always wondered why you married him. You're so "different" You love to be out and about, and he loves to stay home and watch hockey games. He's not a very social type. Ah well, if you tried everything you could and he won't try anything, you really don't have much choice do you?"

She continued,

"Yes Marie, I know you know I am seriously tied to the church, but forever is just too long. People change and we have to take this into account."

She did tell me that after the divorce I should get the annulment. I expect to do that. She cracks me up this woman. I'll see her again for a much longer chat when I fly out to Newfoundland for meetings after the long weekend.

And so it goes. Is there anyone out there beside the spouse's mother who has a little higher regard for him?

If they're there... they're not saying much.

Friday File

The She-barracuda sent off a "yeah yeah yeah" letter to the spouse's suit. It was when I read our names - Marie and Spouse - Matrimonial - and the phrase "marriage breakdown" in the letter I thought ok... it's really real now. This is it. The matrimonial part is like seeing the marriage all in reverse. From a future filled with hope and excitement to today. I can re-run our wedding day almost minute by minute from the time I woke up, no... from the time we got engaged, to the end of that day. Almost twenty four years. While I mostly have accepted this, there are times that it all washes over me and I want to either keep crying over the futility or - smack the spouse.
Really hard!

Tweeny had her school play yesterday. The spousal unit seemed to think I would go with him in his car. Now WHY on earth would he think I would even entertain that thought I have no clue.
He is in such a rush to get the separation going and he thinks I should pretend? It was probably the letter my She-Barracuda wrote that had an effect on me. AS IF I was going to get into his car, or have him in mine. I told the spouse I would see him at the school. I would go on my own. He was rather surprised but he took off out the door and drove away.

I saw him sitting in the audience and I chose to take a seat elsewhere closer to the front of the stage so I could attempt to take pictures. I was planning on using my new digital cam (another whole blog on that!) as well as my (the spouse's actually) SLR manual analog film eating camera.

I was still feeling pretty angry, and I wanted the spouse to know what it will feel like to be alone - to not have me sitting beside him at the children's events bringing him into conversations with people around us. Tweeny expects to see me up front and she was not disappointed. Rebel was with me using her camera as the back up.

Even during intermission, the spouse sat in his chair, didn't talk to anyone and stayed put while I socialized with other parents and Tweeny's friends. At the end of the show, spouse took Tweeny for her usual post performance meal to McDonalds - a tradition for as long as she has been acting, and Rebel asked me to if she could buy me a beer at her favourite local haunt - the pool hall.
So off we split. Neither girl too surprised with the two vehicles. Tweeny with her dad to go to McD's and me with Rebel going for beers. A new way of life is starting to take shape.

Ribs & Ciclon Night - in 13 days. Grocery list all made. 24 YES RSVPs and 4 maybes. Weather count down not for another week yet.

Under Control

I don't have a list today because the party is under control. the She-Barracuda is on the job and I've been kind of occupied trying to get back into the zone on my job. But I had an interesting thing come up and I believe the spousal unit is now realizing what he's done may not be working for him the way he expected.

Many years back when he bought our first Taurus, I had never owned my own car, so the spouse said,

"let's put this one in your name and register it for you and you'll now 'own' the car."

Fast forward about five years when I needed a car for work, because the public transportation system just sucked badly at my then, new work location. So we bought another Taurus, and even though it is mine and I drive it, the ownership and registration are in the spouse's name because I already had a vehicle registered in my name.

Yesterday, spouse asked me for the registration papers for my car. Damned if I know where they are. I am told I should keep them next to the driver's license because if I get pulled over or get into an accident I have to produce them.

MEH!
yeah ,yeah.
whatEvEr.

Spouse then goes on to tell me he has "the paperwork" to change the ownership and registrations for our cars. I had thought about this too, but figured I wasn't going to worry about it. No doubt I will have to sign something in order for our registrations and ownerships to be re-matched. Now, I could play nice and go ahead and do this. But I am thinking I'd like to be a bit bitchy and whacko about this.

My response to signing the exchange papers (aside from EFF that!)

Spouse dear, we have lawyers now. Please take your papers to your lawyer, who will then take them to my lawyer who will keep them until I see her. Once I see her and am advised, only then will I sign or not sign. Oh? the registration is due BEFORE I see my lawyer. OH well. That's the process that has been started and as you have always said, " Let any system and process take care of things, when you don't have control. I lost my control and am in a system and a process. The process will take care of the paperwork at the right time. "

I would almost rather have his car, even though mine is nicer, cleaner and newer by one year. I would trade it in and get the Mustang GT convertible.

In a heartbeat.

'Scopes, Sharks & Shoes.

This was my horoscope today.:

Events that would halt another person in his tracks simply whet your appetite for more. What gives? Are you some kind of superhero or something? Other people are in awe of your abilities, as well they should be.

And this was for the next sign. Because I am at the end of one sign and the cusp of another, I usually follow two signs. Just to keep life interesting.

Surrender the wheel to the universe and you might find that your destination is a lot more fun. Funnily enough, the ride there becomes a lot smoother too. Trust in the process and you'll soon see results.

I really don't believe much in horoscopes, but there is something to be said for these things sometimes isn't there? I have put up with a lot, and I do keep moving. Interestingly, the spouse is a great one for always having told me to "trust in the process" because sometimes - it's all you CAN do.

I am no super hero. I do what I need to get done. I do have to surrender myself and go with the flow.

The shark in a suit rings in at $400 per hour and wants a 5K retainer for starters. OR I could use his Law Clerks for $100 per hour. I think not. In any case he wasn't available at a much earlier date than the She-Barracuda. So the barracuda it will be.

I have started the process. And I have to trust in it.

Only 16 days til Ribs & Ciclon Night.

The RSVPs are starting to roll in. I am getting through the checklist of things to do! I have new shoes too! It's gonna be slammin!

Can a nearly "significantly serious" birthday girl say "slammin?"