Wishing You A

Abba ~ Happy New Year

That is what Christmas is About

Made it through Christmas Day and we are now on the third day after Christmas counting through the festive season to the Feast of Epiphany on the 12th day. For me the holidays do last right til the 6th.

There were a couple of tense moments between the two offspring on the day itself. They were at each others throats and it wasn't pretty. The spouse, their father, had a go and had to take care of business because I didn't have the drive to deal with their attitudes on a day that is supposed to be all about family. I wonder sometimes how we failed our children, and I have to place a lot of credit on the spouse who wouldn't work with me to create a family bond of importance. Family time, hang out together time, he doesn't get it.... still! And I know when my offspring figure it out, they'll know where things came from and I fear and expect their father to be a lonely old man. He brought it on himself.

Tweeny had her knickers in a twist because I wouldn't allow her out with friends on Christmas Day. They kept calling and visiting. For some reason, it would appear that some families don't seem to mind their children wandering the streets on the one day of the year when the entire city is locked up tight! There is NOTHING to do. Stores, gas stations, even Tim Horton's - all closed! Why these kids were allowed out from home to *hang out* I have no clue. On this one, the spouse was with me. We told Tweeny's friends she wasn't allowed out and we wanted to eat our dinner in peace. She was not impressed and kept up a stubborn front. I mean REALLY? WHAT is wrong with parents who allow *their* Tweenys' out and about to loiter when there is clearly NO WHERE to go?! It continues to astound me. I am clearly not up for Mother of the Year this year! No award in sight!

I went to church Christmas morn, after the gifts were opened. The kids wouldn't come with me. The spouse has never attended church, I don't ever ask, but it has it made it difficult to enforce attendance upon the offspring now that they are older. It's still mostly non-negotiable with Tweeny, but the Rebel doesn't usually attend. It doesn't help that I belong to small parish without a lot of choice of liturgies, however, Tweeny does go most Sundays with me, and did go Christmas Eve day, so I allowed her the rationale of not attending "to leave more room for all those twice-a-year-Christians. " Singing traditional carols, being with people whom I've known some time now, and having quiet time to just be really helped centre me for the day.

I spent some of the day wondering what future holidays would be like. I did say last year "never again" and I regret to say I still believe that. I would like to fly home and be with my family next year. Whether or not the offspring come with me will depend I guess on whether or not they get a better offer from their father, whom I suspect would end up driving to see his family if things transpire as I expect they will.

Interestingly though, as much as the offspring were kinda growly and somewhat cranky, they do expect their family traditions. They expect to see certain food, a set candle-lit table, the usual holiday music, in spite of all. Rebel was surprisingly into it when she wasn't trying to kill her sibling.

I didn't send out cards or the usual newsletter this year. Nor did I invite any friends over for visits or meals this year. I didn't have the interest for entertaining or for writing the cheery all is wonderful kind of news even in my usual self deprecating style. I kind of thought, what's the point when I suspect in two to three months I'll be spending out change of address notices and oh by the way, we've separated.

Don't get me wrong though. The peace and meaning of Christmas is with me. I do have that joy within me even knowing that change is afoot. I contemplate daily on what the season means and know that I am doing what I need to ensure a better holiday and life in coming years for me and those who are in my inner circle.

And you my dear friends who read and support - I keep you in my heart during this important part of the year. You have all had some impact on my life and have helped shape part of who I am and where I am going. And even though many of you choose not to post to the blog either anonymously or otherwise, your emails and phone calls are always appreciated.

It is this kind of friendship that is the best gift of all.

I will continue to keep that close.
Remember that this is what Christmas,
twelve days and beyond is really about.

Thirteen {x2} on Thursday

Words of wisdom on (my favourite subject) *happiness*

Yes... I am obsessed. There is much to think about on the subject. The first being - why do Chinese proverbs sound like something a Baba ( a Ukrainian grandmother) would say??? Check it out... you'll see what I mean! And you'll note some of my blah blah...( next to the words of wisdom)

1.The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. (Because one is so busy searching, one forgets about doing the living!)
Eric Hoffer . The Passionate State of Mind

2. But does not happiness come from the soul within? ( exactly MY point!)
Honoré De Balzac. Later appeared as part of Romans et contes philosophiques and part of the Etudes philosophiques (1831).

3. Character is the basis of happiness and happiness the sanction of character.
George Santayana . “Reason in Common Sense,”, The Life of Reason

4. The search for happiness ... always ends in the ghastly sense of the bottomless nothingness into which you will inevitably fall if you strain any further. ( stop searching and start living a positive productive life, and see what comes to you!)
D.H. (David Herbert) Lawrence “The Fox,” The Tales of D. H. Lawrence,

5. Deceive not thyself by over-expecting happiness in the married estate.... Remember the nightingales which sing only some months in the spring, but commonly are silent when they have hatched their eggs, as if their mirth were turned into care for their young ones. ( It's when the singing stops therefore, that you have to figure out how to create new melodies)
Thomas Fuller “Of Marriage,” bk. 3, The Holy State and the Profane State

6. Men who seek happiness are like drunkards who can never find their house but are sure that they have one.
Voltaire - in a letter to - François Marie Arouet ( DO NOT get me started on the house!)

7. Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
Robertson Davies In The Enthusiasms of Robertson Davies

8. Happiness is a matter of one’s most ordinary everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self. ( Yes... you're right Iris!)
Iris Murdoch Willy Kost, in The Nice and the Good,

9. Happiness consumes itself like a flame. It cannot burn for ever, it must go out, and the presentiment of its end destroys it at its very peak.
J. August Strindberg . The Husband, in A Dream Play.

10. Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to make unhappiness possible.
Marcel Proust. “Time Regained,”, Remembrance of Things Past

11. Happiness lies outside yourself, is achieved through interacting with others. Self-forgetfulness should be one’s goal, not self-absorption. The male, capable of only the latter, makes a virtue of an irremediable fault and sets up self-absorption, not only as a good but as a Philosophical Good.
Valerie Solanas. The SCUM Manifesto (1968).The acronym SCUM stood for “The Society for Cutting Up Men.” ( only at the heights of the Feminist era in the 1960s would one say these things. Please remember, I am not one who doesn't like men. I do indeed like MOST men!)

12. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other, or ever so similar before-hand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life.
Jane Austen . Charlotte Lucas in Pride and Prejudice, ( note to self - have the daughters read Jane Austen BEfORE marrriage, not after!)

13. Happiness is a monstrosity! Punished are those who seek it. ( well... that'a a tad harsh!)
Gustave Flaubert Pensées de Gustave Flaubert,

1-2. Happiness is peace after strife, the overcoming of difficulties, the feeling of security and well-being. The only really happy folk are married women and single men. ( I would argue this!)
H.L. (Henry Lewis) Menckenc. A Mencken Chrestomathy,

2-2. Happiness does not await us all. One needn’t be a prophet to say that there will be more grief and pain than serenity and money. That is why we must hang on to one another.
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov. Letter, March 3, 1888, to K.S. Barantsevich. Complete Works and Letters in Thirty Volumes,

3-2. Extreme happiness begets tragedy. (SEE! A Ukrainian Grandma - a baba- would say this!)
Chinese proverb

4-2. Happiness ain’t a thing in itself—it’s only a contrast with something that ain’t pleasant.... And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain’t happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh.
Mark Twain The Complete Short Stories ( there's truth here!)

5-2. Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization. ( regardless of WHO he is, I think he makes a point)
Marquis de Sade L’Histoire de Juliette, ou les Prospérités du Vice,

6-2. The happiness of the body consists in the possession of health; that of the mind, in being sensible of that blessing. Anonymous, U.S. women’s magazine contributor. Weekly Visitor or Ladies Miscellany, p. 189 (March 1803

7-2. Happiness does not consist in things themselves but in the relish we have of them; and a man has attained it when he enjoys what he loves and desires himself, and not what other people think lovely and desirable.
François, Duc De La Rochefoucauld Moral Maxims and Reflections, no. 49

8-2. If happiness, then, is activity expressing virtue, it is reasonable for it to express the supreme virtue, which will be the virtue of the best thing.
Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics, bk. 10,

9-2. Cheerfulness is a policy; happiness is a talent.
Mason Cooley. City Aphorisms, Sixth Selection, New York (1989).

10-2. In the midst of happiness, one may not appreciate what happiness is. ( too true, too true)
Chinese proverb.

11-2. If all our happiness is bound up entirely in our personal circumstances it is difficult not to demand of life more than it has to give.
Bertrand Russell The Conquest of Happiness,

12-2. Virtue is simply happiness, and happiness is a by-product of function. You are happy when you are functioning. William Burroughs “The Creative Observer,” Painting and Guns (1992).

13-2. Doing good is the greatest happiness. ( do some good this Christmas season)
Chinese proverb


And the Bonus bits of wisdom....

One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to.
Alexander Solzhenitsyn. Shulubin, in Cancer Ward

Strictly speaking as emotional entities, human beings are self contained. We believe other people's actions cause us to be happy - or miserable, as the case may be - but it is our thoughts about their actions that create the hormonal responses we interpret as happiness. (and remember this! Never mind she writes erotica - whoa...it's AMAZING what one finds in public library collections.... I am still.... catching my breath.. but that's a T-13 for another day)
Emma Holly, Strange Attractions

Count down to Christmas

Things have been fairly quiet around here. The spousal unit is still in anger,in disgust or in denial.. or perhaps a melange of the three... or would that be menage a three?

The counsellor had a lot of questions for me. They do tend to ask rather than tell; though she also has strategies for me for coping with said melanged spouse.

The dynamics around here as well can be imagined are not great. Tweeny, is probably wondering why no one is saying anything and attempting a "normal" life. Rebel Teen angrier than a hornet and believing things will fall apart sooner than ever. She is rarely home and when she does turn up it's demands or disrespect.

I am keeping it low key til after Christmas. I really don't see any point in getting into it now even though things have been stirred up.

The spouse has told me that Rebel will not be getting her expected and requested gift. She has a number of outstanding debts ( already at age 18) including a fine from the city for some unexpected trouble she got into that caused her grief. The spouse, her dad says her gift will be payment of the fines to clear her and perhaps a couple of gift certificates but NOT what she really wants. I would have to agree with him on this. She is going to be one miserable Rebel come Christmas morn.

I would like to forgo dinner this year and take the family to one of the many dinners for the poor this year, and have them volunteer ( volun-told?) to serve so they can see what they have and what many don't. Somehow though, I think this would be seen in the wrong light given all the other crap around here.

The counsellor suggested I talk to the girls about how they feel, if/why they are angry and to acknowledge it, while insisting that Rebel in particular butt out of my business. I wouldn't mind doing this if she would just stay home long enough for the conversation. But she ain't happy with me so these conversations could take time to get to.

In the meantime, fruitcake is going in the mail. If you asked, you'll get, as long as I know where to send it. Just a taste, and perhaps enough for tea a couple of nights in a row. Careful, don't drive though.. it's about a .07 on the scale for drinking and driving!

A late night Sunday SIlly..... Dear Abby....

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer,
the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the
girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always
says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I
always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving
off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why?

Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell
phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and
screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night
she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided
I was going to park my BMW motor cycle next to the garage and then
hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when
she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Beemer, that I notice
that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Sincerely,

Harvey


She rolls her eyes!
I haven't had much private time to post. I hope to pop a note
or two this week. In the mean time... laugh with me people... laugh
with me.

If only.

Friends,

I need to lighten up a bit. Quiet (I TRUST) weekend coming up. Haircut and highlights is as exciting as it will get plus a pot luck at church for the Feast of St Nicolas. We've never done that before. I am in a quandry wondering if St. Nicolas would bring cosmetics as a gift for the Tweeny? Rebel says she wants to attend. Church would be good for her, just not sure I want her with me these days!

In the meantime....

if WOMEN ruled the world.....

The Ticking Time Bomb Approach

Why is it these things happen a day after a counseling session and not the day before. The Counselor had asked me how things were going with the Rebel Teen. I responded... not bad. We'd had a few intense conversations, however, I believed, at the time, my viewpoint was coming across. I did my best to be level headed and sensitive, and I believed the Teen thought so too.

Alas, a day later, the Teen had her friend staying over night without checking it out. I've made it clear that the Rebel is too old for sleepovers. As adults, everyone goes home to their own bed, rather than staying in one of mine! It happened two nights in a row. There were other things that didn't please me, that looked as if the Teen was not paying as much attention as I thought.

Two days later I had walked in the door after running errands for three hours, and all I wanted to do was sit, have a glass of wine, put my feet up and read the morning paper. (It was 4 in the afternoon!) She wanted a ride somewhere.
I said no. She got cranky.
I still said no. Finally she asked why not.
"What do I get out if?" I asked.
Well... my goodness, did she get nasty. This escalated totally out of proportion.

I didn't lose it, but suggested that if she needed me to do things for her then she had to carry her weight in the family.

"This is no family," she said.
"I know what you want. You and your stupid writings on the internet.
You want a divorce, but you're too chicken to do anything about it.
Why don't you just get the F$&*out of the house.
Just leave!"

I kind of had a knot go deep through my gut at that point but let it go and continued,

"if you're not a family member, you're a roommate which means even more responsibilities, because roommates can be kicked out before moms leave.
And THIS mom, regardless of what you THINK you read, isn't going anywhere."

She slammed the door and left. The spouse, is looking gob smacked. Why, I haven't figured out. Surely, he's not that out of it. But apparently he is looking as if this is all news to him. What planet is he on?

I was going out for the evening, and as I left so did he. He asked if I had plans to get a divorce or separate. I could honestly say, I didn't have plans, but I had been thinking for a long time.
He said we need "to get this done sooner rather than later be cause we can't live like this any more"
I looked up at him, and told him nothing would be "done" until after Christmas, and given I've been living "like this" for almost 6 years, 6 weeks, 6 months wouldn't make any difference to me at this point. So no... I am not rushing to change anything right now.

To make matters worse, I don't believe the Rebel realized what she had done. She came home the next day as if nothing at all had happened. She had called me some unspeakable names, her father had done nothing to defend me, she blurted out all she believed she knew from reading the old blog, and returned as if it was all okay. The Tweeny is probably in denial upset with the yelling and arguing.

Spouse, meanwhile, has taken to sleeping, more permanently it would seem, in the spare room and locking me out it.
It's where the iron lives, and my extra closet is in there so I do need access!

For now, I am cooling my jets and trying to normalize for the holiday season.


My own feelings? I was surprisingly, not at all upset really. Perhaps he is now feeling as though a bomb has been dropped on him. I feel ..... nothing except perhaps a little relief. This is of course a conversation that is not at all going to be pleasant. But as a friend said to me," I need the conversation to be between the two of us, and not one sided. " Like him, I won't be "done to."

Because the thing is, regardless of the Rebel's behaviour, which was appalling, and Tweeny in denial, these two kids mean we - the spousal unit and I - must be civil and perhaps learn to get along better. We are NEVER going to be out of each others lives. I get that. I believe he still needs to figure it out.

In the meantime, I have to get this family into some sort of Christmas mode regardless of where the spouse's head is at these days.

Where's the freakin' eggnog anyway!?

Wait a day....

Snow... ice pellets, and freezing rain.
sigh...
Take the bus... traffic will be torturous!

Gotta love this country!

Thirteen on Thursday

13 Reasons why I'm glad there's no snow on the ground .... yet

1 no window scrapping
2 no sweeping snow off the entire car before going anywhere
3 no need to go out before breakfast to warm the car up before getting into it to go to work
4 the coat, the scarf, the hat the double gloves, the extra pair of socks, and the boots
5 the really ugly, but warm boots... sorels... by any other name
6 frozen fingers
7 frozen toes
8 frost bite on the cheeks walking into the wind everyday after parking the car in the lot furthest away from the building ( hello? how much seniority do I need to get garage parking?)
9 black ice on the road
10 idiots who've never heard of black ice and side swipe or rear end you
11 the extra 30 minutes it takes to drive to work because of the snow and idiots having accidents
12 the kids who refuse to dress for the weather because they don't like looking "geeky" rather than being warm
13 Snow= time to start Christmas shopping, and I'm not ready to go there yet.

Are you?

Happy?

Happy - from Merriam Webster Online.

Pronunciation: 'ha-pE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): hap·pi·er; -est
Etymology: Middle English, from hap
1 : favoured by luck or fortune - a happy coincidence
2 : notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : a happy choice
3 a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment - is the happiest person I know happy childhood> b : expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness happy ending> c : Glad Pleased happy to meet you> d : having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship : Friendlyhappy office>
4 a : characterized by a dazed irresponsible state happy boxer> b : impulsively or obsessively quick to use or do something happy> c : enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession : obsessed happy --

It happened again! At the office Christmas party on Saturday evening. I went solo... well... actually I went with some of the other girls/men who didn't have/want dates. We sat at dinner together. I was having a wonderful time in spite of the fact that I haven't danced in stilletos in some time. I barely sat all night! Lots of men to dance with, and when they didn't want to dance, (hip hop - not big with the over 45 crowd apparently) the girls were doing the dance in the circle thing anyway... I found it difficult to stay off the dance floor. It was clear a good time was had by all!

At one point, I went to our table for a glass of ice water, and one of guys I've known since I started working at this place asked me... " so... Marie, what's the deal? Are you like still technically married or what?" So I am straight and honest... "I am more than technically married, I am plain married"

Then comes the obvious question "and you're here without your spouse because......?

I was straightforward back at him, " Because the spouse is not much fun at these kinds of events, and things are not great in that department. I am working on making significant changes in my life."

Then I hear it again, something I've been hearing a lot, and I am not sure what it means anymore. "well... if you're not *happy* then you're probably doing what's right"

Happy - and from the definition above, I would have to say it's the third point I am assuming people are talking about. Well-being and contentment. In many facets of my life I do have a good sense of well being and contentment, and in just one part- okay albeit fairly major part - not so good.

So is it really all about "happiness?"

It's what my former friend said to me when describing his latest-live-in ... "we're happy." I am sure he is... but it all sounds... so trite and shallow. It's also what he kept saying after his apologies and justifications for his behaviour as he signed off his dozens of emails to me. "I wish you happiness" Even my own sister-in-law, when learning of what was going on with me the last few years asked, "Are you happy?" It seemed like a shallow comment.

My life doesn't come close to being miserable. It could be far more satisfactory in the relationship department but unhappy? no.... I wouldn't say so. I have good health, as do my children. I have a roof over my head and a job that compensates me well. And in spite of the relationship problem, I have many friends who care about me and my well being, and I cherish them for what they give me. This is not a person who is not content or not in a state of well being.

Is it happiness that is the point? I am not *unhappy* because it's about so much more than contentment in living a good life isn't it? Perhaps it's my eastern rite Catholic living where I feel there is much more going on. Or perhaps I am digging too deep? perhaps rationalizing? or denying? HMMMMM.

I am enjoying a good time, a laugh, and a good life. What is at stake for anyone making decisions, is that there are too many factors that affect more than the individual. It has to be about more than being happy doesnt it?

Happy? I am fine! I am content - mostly. I am sure there are many who would argue with me after seeing me in my many states of depression, sadness, and outright bawling my eyes out three-box-tissue-style. But I am not an UN-happy person. Hey I can wear size 6 trousers - and the leather trousers I bought on my 30th birthday( pre babies!) still fit twenty years later, AND I can dance in stilletos all night long!

I am pretty *happy!*

The book writing thing

So... it would seem as much as I blah blah blah to any of my friends who listen to me without rolling their eyes, some have seemed to miss the point of the naked man with the pen in the side bar over there to the right of the blog stuff.

There is this movement... National Novel Writers Month. Write a novel in the month of November, or at least get it started, with the goal or writing 50,000 words by the end of November. That's the hard and fast deadline.

My friend Skupper pointed the site out to me, after listening to me go on and on about "the book," "the murder," "the series."

So... what the hell! I started writing on the old twenty pound laptop and am not sure I will make the 50K by Nov 30, but I am up to over 12K this evening. 12534 if we want accuracy! And I am having a lot of fun creating these characters and finally giving them some life.

On the other hand,this writing by the word has affected my day job. Word count is everything this month. Dickens lives! I am sending my offspring emails, and the blah blah is everywhere. Instead of my usual not-so-concise way, I've been adding words just to pad the damn messages.

Dearest darling offspring, how are you this lovely, gorgeous, sunny day in the city? As you may recall, we have to get you to the dentist for the checkup on your teeth. It's that time of year again. I will pick you up in my not so clean, but pretty red car, at exactly ten thirty o'clock. ...

you know what I am saying? Instead of the usual...

hey kid... don't forget dentist today. I'll get you at school 10:30 love,
yr mom!

I've been trying to write a strategic plan and a policy document - I keep invoking word count as I create thinking "how long is this?" And I remember.... oh yeah,.. it's not a novel. The deadline is the end of the week, and I am dealing with executives who don't have time to read anything more than a page long... double spaced in 14 pt font! The contrast is too much!

It's what my dear friend the published author of four well received murder mysteries calls the SFD- shitty first draft. And yeah... it's pretty bad... if I do say so myself. The editing process is gonna be a killer. And then... actually GIVING it to someone else to read?! I shake my head... not sure when I'll be ready for that step. I think I'd rather have another root canal. And if you read regularly, you know how I feel about THAT!

Killing people off in Fantasyland is great therapy. Figuring out HOW - not so great. It has to seem plausible, and yet... I don't want readers (if I ever have any) to guess the method. I have to befriend some cops... nothing like a good cop with lots of stories who is willing to share. At this stage, I'm not interested in men cops, women cops as friends who want to talk, are probably the better bet.

In the meantime, it would seem - and I am sorry for the men out there whom I do love and who are still my dear friends, but.... I seem to want to kill all the men in my stories, even the outlines for the other four books in the planned series... it's all about lying, no good, childish, self-centred, petulant, insensitive, jackass men! This isn't multiple choice either... It seems to be an all or nothing kind of thing here. Perhaps I DO need to talk to the counsellor about this?

Let me get this worked out of my system, and perhaps my ennuie will be done. Perhaps I will move on... maybe this seems to be cheaper than therapy - even with the health plan- and a whole lot more creative than snipping off the heads in the photos before they go into the scrapbooks.

And perhaps a little money in it too. Just what the world needs, another mystery writer with dreams of celebrity C list stardom running through her head! Watch for it, I am gonna be outta control!

Negativity

One has to ask what it was that turned the spouse and made him into such a negative being. I ask this today, because last night after I arrived home from the second root canal appointment - nothing like a shot of novocaine and adrenaline going straight from the vein to the heart… whoa… talk about a head rush - and at least… no charge – thank you very much- I did attempt to discuss with the spouse some educational facts I learned at work during a presentation from guest lecturers.

Spouse was very surprised that I was not as aware of the information as he thought I *should * be. Ok… history has never been of keen interest to me, but the work I do now and the travels I’ve had in historic Europe are creating some interest in learning more. Now that I don’t have to bother with essays and exams and the such history is a little more interesting.

At one point, as I was speaking, I was rudely interrupted, it happens all the time with the spouse, and I just didn’t think it was very nice. “You interrupted me, I wasn’t finished,” I said. “No I didn’t, I want to make a point,“ he retorts.

“Yeah Dad, you interrupted,” pipes up Tweeny, “you do it a lot actually,” she continues.

I don’t have to say anything, and he looks back at me, and says, “You’re always so negative. I don’t understand why you always have to be so negative!” ok… where did that come from?

Umm this rather stuns me, as I don’t like to believe I am a negative person. My cup is always at least half full - in all walks of my life; at work, my professional life, my personal life and whatever else I have going on, it has never been suggested to me in any way that I am a negative person. And believe me, you, friendly readers, who know me, and have been with me and around me and have kicked me in the pants when I needed it, but never because of my attitude.

I mean really, after being in sales for a few years, negativity is something that gets kicked out the door very quickly. There is no success in being negative, something I learned long ago.

Perhaps it is projection. Because he is feeling so negative about his own life: his status, his lack of friends, no professional recognition, no encouragement or love from his own family, his cynical nature as created an air of negativity around him. And so he attempts to project it on me. In the end I didn’t finish my anecdote about the fascinating things I learned at work yesterday, and he stomped off after I suggested that negativity was not a criticism I would accept.


And why else I would I still be where I am if I didn't think things could change... for the positive?!

Monday Madness

After last year's Christmas gift, half of which was good, the other half was..... completely thoughtless, I thought many of you might enjoy this piece of video from some angry woman somewhere... or did a man dream this up because I am not sure even I could wreak this kind of havoc!

Get ready for the holidays: I have taken my C's advise and told the spousal unit what I would like for Christmas this year, and I've asked spouse to share same with me. I'll take the offspring shopping and this will be their gifts for him. I would hope he'd do the same!

Aside from the Mustang GT, can't decide, silver or red, I really need an MP3 player and a digital camera. The completely manual Pentax analog is starting to make me scream. It takes fab photos, but when I mess up loading the film or getting the lighting wrong, it's bad! Lost two rolls of 36 in Calgary this summer.... don't know how it happens, but I don't often hear of people messing up their digi-cams! Perhaps my inability to measure distance in metric or the other way. I can't tell a yard from a foot from a metre. It's sad. This has an effect on my shots. An SLR digital would be REALLY nice... one of those $1800 Pentax jobs with changeable lenses... but I won't bet the farm on that! If he deigns to buy me a Canon Sure Shot at 5 mgpxls with a telephoto lens I should be content!
That and the usual assortment of scrap-booking paraphernalia should keep me easily happy.

Enjoy!

13 things almost as painful as a toothache!

In no particular painful order.....

1. Sticking a fork in your eye
2. Chewing glass
3. Bamboo under the finger nails
4. Eating liver & onions
5. Sticking your tongue on that frost fence in the winter time.
6. The sound of nails on a chalk board. (Does anyone do this
anymore?)
7. Natural childbirth
8. Scraping ice off car windows at 7:45 in the morning when the wind
is howling and it's only -15 below zero
9. Cleaning up after kids who've been upchucking hotdogs and kraft
dinner.(Oh? you didn't hear about the latest gastro thing?)
10. Stubbing your toe on the bed post in the middle of night as you
try to find your way back to bed after getting up for a glass of water
11.Hurling down the extremely high altitude, extremely steep water
slide at the West Edmonton Mall Water Park and praying your bathing suit
bottom doesn't rip right off your body from the pressure of smacking the
water!.
12. Burning your tongue on scalding hot water because you are afraid
to drink even a stupid low-alcohol beer because of all the extra
strength Advil forpain in your body
13. Two root canals in one week - the freezing not taking and four
needles to finally get numbed up! ( I blame the Advil!)

Hope all my faithful readers are having a pain free week!

OY!

Don't worry ... "the real me" will be back soon!

It's all so wicked!

The spouse was not impressed that I took the Tweeny to Toronto to see a play. Wicked! It WAS Wicked. Went with friends. We are now planning another foray for the late winter, early spring. Phantom returns. Tweeny loooooooves Phantom. The music anyway. She has seen the movie, a pale imitation, but is beside herself with the thought of being back in the big city for another round of theatre. She was sick most of day two so anticipated trip to persuade mother to give it up at Abercrombie & Fitch (AS IF) for the $95 sweat pants, didn't materialize. Can you see me roll my eyes!

Upon arrival home, I see as usual,the kitchen is not tidied up. I have come to low expectations on this front. Rebel has her friend over. She sleeps over again. I have told Rebel that at her age sleep overs are a done deal. Adults go home to sleep. They don't stay over with friends because they are afraid to go home in case they are alone.

I do not know how I insist on this. It is frustrating.

Rebel tells me she had a party while we were away. At the party her dad partied with the kids and "man did he get drunk!" Sigh....

I have left a message for said Rebel on the previous website indicating my displeasure and disgust, frankly with her baviour. I have no idea how that will play out. I would like her to go live elsewhere. Perhaps I will have my wish once the spouse and I agree on terms.

She is a difficult young woman who believes she has a sense of entitlement. Where does that come from? Hard work is anathema. It will be a tough day when she realizes her charm will only get her so far, and that she must accept responsibility for who she is and how she behaves instead of blaming all around her. It reminds me too much of her father, who twists to suit his needs as well. And he continues to indulge her rather than using the tough love approach. I do not understand his way of thinking on this. I do not understand why he continues to allow her to behave as she does towards all of us.

On another note... It's Grey Cup Sunday!

http://www.cflgreycup.ca/winnipeg/

Alouettes and Lions! And I am stuck in Finance Committee meetings all weekend. Televsion in the board room between oversight of the numbers! Bring on the munchies along with the calculators!

And for those going to the big game in Winnipeg... whether for fun or a gig - (-; bundle up!! Nothing like a Grey cup game in Winnipeg weather! GO ALS!

Counselling is hard work!

Spent my hour talking through the conversations I had with the spouse about the renovations and finishing work I had done. Interestingly, my C recommends much the same approaches and techniques used for divorce busting. (I really have to get all the links from my blogs lined up over there in that right hand column!)

Things like changing how I talk to him. Telling him what I need... not what I want. Perhaps my goals and objectives aren't what they were when I was into the DB thing - saving my marriage - but at least being civil and polite would go a long way.

The C also told me that escalating how we talk about the content is just not important, it's all about the tone. Don't escalate the you said, you did stuff. Tell him you don't like his tone. It's been a vicious circle that needs to stop.

The spouse has been so angry that he decided to not sleep in our room. C asked me how I felt about that. Honestly, I don't care. I have the bed to myself and I am quite comfortable. Like Diane Keaton in As Good As It Gets she sleeps in the middle of the bed!

Surprisingly, he's sneaky about it, because I don't think the kids have figured out he's not in our room The reality is, it has not been our room in a long time. He took all his clothes out ages ago. He keeps the drawer stuff, socks, underwear etc, in boxes in the basement, and hangs in shirts and pants on a rack in the laundry room. I asked about that years ago, and he gave some answer about me taking up all the space. Weeelllll he had his own chest of drawers for stuff, and I kept more than half my stuff in the spare room closet. So.. this was an excuse. It's weird.

She also told me to stop taking responsibility for his behaviour when we were out, or when people were over. Those of you who know, know how off putting and unfriendly he can be when you pop in to say hi. It's frighteningly rude some days. Don't take it on she said. I won't talk to HIM like a child either, because my own tone can be just as negative. Why even bother!

So... I'll stop. No more content shit. And I'll watch my own tone. This is helpful when dealing with children - even the rebel teen children! It probably won't change much, but it should keep my stress levels down to near normal if I let it go.

Thirteen things (and a little more) in a Christmas Fruitcake

This makes a 16 pound cake! I have revised the quantities. I expect
no more than a four pound cake! Maybe a little more!

In combing the variations, I chose a combination of Grandma's wedding
cake recipe and mom's 1985 cake which appears to be the classic edition!
Notes from Uncle Don, moms brother - another fruitcake afficionado also
helped!

1. Butter
2. Brown Sugar
3. Flour
4. Eggs
5. Grape jelly ( who knew!)
6. Baking soda and salt
7. Cinnamon, cloves, allspice and nutmeg
8. Sultana raisins, currants and dates
9. Mixed candied citrus peel
10. Candied cherries, red and/or green
11. Nuts - walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts
12. Brandy
13. Lamb's Navy Rum... LOTS of it!

Soak the fruit, soak the finished cake. Infuse with alcohol. Send me
your address if you like, you'll receive a little package a week before
Christmas. I promise.

Next up Mom's secret Nuts & Bolts snack
and
more anti pasto!

Counselling this evening. Shall see what grilling I get over the
spouse's fury on the renos, and the girls' finding of the blog! One hour
won't be near enough!

Christmas Cake & a Birthday.

When I was at the liquor store yesterday buying the usual multiple bottles of pino grigio ( without suphites!) I noticed the Lamb's Dark Navy Rum. It's time to start the Christmas fruit cake!

This year I am going to attempt to make Christmas cake. You know the kind. Fruit cake absolutely drenched in rum. I mean so completely soaked absorbed in rum no one underage should touch it. My mom used to make it every year. She usually started on her birthday. That's today. Mom died four years ago and we haven't had fruit cake in as many years.

Here's the funny thing though. The Christmas after mom died, I checked in her special cookbook, the one she had since she was married. It contains her hand written notes for many of her favourite recipes that became the family favourites. I flipped the delicate pages - many of them going back to the early 1960s, and found Christmas cake! Christmas cake 1975, Christmas cake 1979, Christmas cake 1982, and on and on until the late 1990s! Each year, a variation on an original recipe that was never found! Well... which was was the GOOD ONE!? I was so heart broken because I couldn't figure out from mom's notes which version in which year she liked best!

There was no evaluation to know which cake everyone loved. I couldn't bake the cake that year.

For the next few years I looked in the pages but couldn't cope with the endless variations. Today, in honour of my mom's birthday, I am going to study all the variations and make a small cake. I am not about to mail Christmas cake to my brothers - although perhaps I should to continue that tradition too! I really love a nice boozy slice of Christmas cake with a cup of tea when I read in bed at night. I usually eat cake til well past the Lenten season has begun! It won't be nearly as good as what my mom used to make, but I want to give it a shot.

Every now and again, I wonder what my mom would tell me - what advice she would give me about the frustrations and pain I have had in my marriage. I can bet she would start by telling me, "well that's what you get for NOT marrying a nice Ukrainian Catholic boy! He won't ever understand what you're about!" Can you see the eyes rolling! I dated nothing but... until I left home for grad school. They were no prizes either! But I am also thinking she would understand and help me get through this. I am pretty sure she would take on the spouse if I needed her to. Her grandchildren were always her pride and joy, and I expect that if nothing else it would be that that would be uppermost in any of the decision making.

Tonight I will start the Christmas cake. Dark, heavy, full of candied cherries and dates, and a whole lotta rum!

Happy Birthday Mom.
I love you and I miss you every day!

Call your mom. Get the right recipe!

It's really not the money

It's Halloween. I am late getting home. Tweeny is beside herself because her friends aren't being very nice. She fixes that problem some how after some small amount of hysteria.

I look at the window... no jack-o-latnern.
Me to spoouse - "Where's the jack o lantern I bought at work at the fundraising auction?"
Spouse: "I don't know. You bought the pumpkin, you're in charge."
Me "What? Did I hear you correctly? I bought the pumpkin so I am in charge?"
Spouse" I usually get the pumpkin. You bought it you do what needs to be done."
Me "I just walked in the door, I haven't had supper, and Tweeny has been upset. Is there something that offends you about the pumpkin that you can put it on display?'
Spouse " You bought it, you deal with it"

And he pours himself a drink and disappears into the basement.

The renovations.

Why did you do this? He asks He is furious. I expected that.

The window has been broken since March. The hall has had lightbulbs hnaging from the ceiling since last June. I really didn't think you were interested in finishing the work.

I wanted to replace the entire window. We can't afford a new window.

Well then, wouldn't replacing the glass make sense? The insurance will cover it.

Oh so we pay twice then. And the guy did a shitty job installing it.

At this point Rebel Teen walks in. WOW! Finally we don't look like a trailer trash house any more. Cool. Very neat lights mom! This is what all the new condos in Calgary have. I like this.

I look over at the spousal unit - he says nothing - for minute.

Then he starts in on;

how I don't help him, (when I do - it's not good enough, fast enough or perfect enough)
how I did everything without discussing with him (yes because if I had discussed he would have said no, and I'd still be waiting for anything to happen. He wouldn't do it even though there is no cash involved in most of what needed to get done. )
On money- well, paint fix ups in bathrooms - no cost
Light fixtures - already purchase... MONTHS ago sitting collecting dust on his worktable- and absorbed into cash flow
switches and changes to door bell... less than $100!

I got very angry and unfortunately when I get angry I cry! So... I bit down on my lip, and instead of crying - all I said in a very quiet voice was:

This is not about money. This is about you making choices about what you feel like doing and not what needs to be done! I have tried giving you a list. I have tried asking when, I have tried handing you money. None of it worked. You just don't feel like doing the work and so you don't.

I have decided that that means I have to do it because you don't want to. So perhaps it isn't up to your standards, and that's too bad. You're the only one who will notice.

As for money, let's remember that that the renovations were started and nearly completed with money I inherited from my mother's estate.

And.... as you heard dear spouse, our children have been too embarrassed to have their friends over here because of how things looked. That is telling! If nothing else... THAT alone should have have made him move.

It was the turning of things to make me look as if I didn't want to do anything or help the Master Contractor that I found most frustrating. Why all of a sudden am I not only expected to cook meals, clean the house, take care of the kids stuff hold down a job, deal with the garden and yard and now I am supposed to be right hand apprentice too?

I do NOT think so!

So when he asked if I had other plans, I gave him the list! Verbally - all of it needing to be done and costs time, but not money. He knows where I stand. He also knows I am not bluffing.

l

No Wonder I am so tired!

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well...it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration: Click on the image... I can't see any other way of doing this!

Phriday Philosophy

I know... pretty bad piece of a title...but I've had this sitting around for some time now, and figured it's time to use it.

"Men are like trains.They are going somewhere.Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train. You cannot change a man's direction to yours without losing trust in his capacity to navigate."
--From "Dear Lover," a book by David Deida

OK... so what does mean for someone like me? I've always had to navigate. It seems without my map, we have ended up at a dead end... or worse... I believe he's headed over a cliff.

The Rebel Teen asked me this morning as I drove her to school if her father had a drinking problem. She noticed she said, a whiskey kind of smell around him. She says that her sister the Tweeny also said something to her. Talk about being de-railed!

Losing trust? Whose? His or mine? Hmmmm

I need to address my own procrastination. The train is going and coming to that proverbial fork in the road. I have the road map, just not feeling quite as confident as I must to take the turn. I don't think his choosing the path is a unilateral decision is it? Because where that road goes.... not at all a comfortable ride at all. We're talking milk run rather than express.

The time is near for me to choose. The holidays are nearly upon us, and I did say last Christmas, (go back and read those posts) that I won't have another day like the last. Shall move forward and need the plan in place as the holly jolly time of year comes closer!

And... as I sit here and create... the electrician has installed the hall lighting, both upstairs and down, changed half the switches, put in dimmers, and a new doorbell!

The window is replaced! Wow... clear and clean! We're lookin like first class finally rather than economy! Wait oh wait for the negative - take money on it - reaction of the spousal unit!

Happy Halloween!

I went to a party on the 28th without the spousal unit. He was to go to another party with "the kids" downtown, but I have not wanted to be part of that crowd. When I received the invitation from a friend at work I jumped at it, and mostly had a great time.

Guys from have a new band and they were playing some great music. The only time I felt as a "one" was during the slow songs when I didn't have a partner to dance with. All I could think of was "get used to this... this is life with out a spouse!" sigh. That's the tough part. The rest... was great fun. A dance partner would be good thing.

What's your favourite Halloween groaner?

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos. ( particularly for the wine-y kind of boos!)

Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
To see the boogy man yeah! do a little dance... sing a little song...

13 on Thursday! Dancing like a banshee!

So... ENOUGH with the Yer Cheatin Heart-country western- slit my wrist-I am soooo sad-cut my heart out- kinda songs.

I gave the Tech Blonde a hard time about her online music collection. Here's a few 'happy" kinda songs that make ME feel good. note to self... buy a freakin MP3 player for the car... play these ALL the time... they are fun and worth a listen. Put on the high heels and DANCE!

Ummm T.B.? got any castposts for ANY of these for me to beg from ya?
And why aren't my links linking? I am sooooooo blonde?

http://www.scissorsisters.com
1. Take Your Mama

2. I don't feel like dancing......( yes... you DO! )

http://www.sting.com/
3. Brand New Day

http://www.ledzeppelin.com/site_flash/
4. Whole Lotta Love..... ( I am a TRUE rocker of the 70s!)

http://www.beegeesonline.com/
5.Stayin Alive

http://www.nellyfurtado.com
6. Man Eater
7. Powerless

http://www.amysky.com/index.asp
8. Phenomenal Woman.... every woman's anthem!

http://www.dilanarox.com
9. Mother Mother

http://www.celtae.ca/
10. Killer Cod.... ( it was better when Dana played the fiddle!)

http://www.theb52s.com/
11. Love Shack

http://www.blackeyedpeas.com
12. Pump It!

http://www.eurythmics.com/
13. TIE! Sisters are doing it for themselves.... and I don't know why but..
I need a man!

In the immortal words of Wayne and Garth.... party on dudes!

Back to our regularly scheduled spousal ennuie.... another time! But counselling was good this week.

Getting over it... a Sunday kinda song.

I still like the song... though NOT feelin it nearly as badly these days... Feelin pretty good really. But what a great song.
Enjoy
Thanks to the Tech Blonde .... once again!

It was either this one or the Nick Lachey song.. "I don't hate you any more..."
It's a joke people... laugh with me... really!



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13 reasons to move a blog .... on Thursday

1. Well... it's all wonky and so by moving it and changing name and URL perhaps the wonkiness will go away.
2. What the heck... not a lot of readers, so why not make doubly difficult and change the name of the blog
3. It's become soooo popular Blogger is worried I am going to crash their network, so change the name and see if people can find you for all this riveting stuff. ( can you see me roll my eyes?)
4. The old blog is not representative of who I am any more... so needed to find a new title and URL.
5. The rebel teen found the blog and has been mentionning it at random times... usually when I ask her to do something... kitchen clean up, quiet time, etc - ummm need to move it.
6. Rebel teen told the Tweeny about the site... hmmm this is getting serious- need to move it.
7. Wondering if Spouse now knows... need to move it
8. So much time on my hands may as well spend time moving things around
9. A certain blonde tech needs a challenge... ask her to try and fix the wonkiness
1o. A certain blonde tech needs more of a challenge... what the hell... ask her to move the ENTIRE blog!
11. Moved it so I wouldn't have to delete it
12. Need to keep writing, and need to keep posting...so change the name ... to protect.... well... me!
13. No blog..... no news! And news is what keeps people connected and sending ME emails!

Don't worry full story on points 5-7 coming soon. This is to get you back into reading mode.

13 on Thursday Today's topic....

Why am I Procrastinating? And other thoughts.

1. It's a separation after 23 years of marriage.... it ain't easy! yes but it's been thought about for AT LEAST 2 years now.

2. It's just easier not to think about it. THEN he does something really assinine , thoughtless, without regard, and I think.. "really girl... this is ENOUGH!"

3. The kids... okay.. rebel teen not really a kid and the tweeny... well.. this can't be healthy really. I know this.

4. Christmas is coming.... oh yeah... didn't I say last year... NOT another one like this?!

5. The paperwork. Still working on financials... oy!

6. The house.... It's always the house

7. Better the devil you know.... ( you gotta be kidding!)

8. He might put up a fight... well... he's gonna do that anyway

9. Haven't found a lawyer I like. well... really... does any one really LIKE their lawyer??!

10. What will the neighbours think? who cares... really... half the wives on the block have kicked thier spouses out!

11.

I got nothin. ..... any one? Feel free.

Thanks giving on a beautiful sunny October Long Weekend

I stayed at a friend's last night. She had another friend over who was going though a marital crisis too. Although I guess I am past the crisis mode. We drank a lot of wine and I couldn't drive back into the city.

The comment in yesterday's blog is something my counsellor told me too. I care too much and I try to fix. Dear friend said the same.

Sigh...

She also told me that he who had been my friend was really a diversion keeping me from what I had to do and decide. I suspect that too is accurate.

The rebel daughter returned. She couldn't find a place to live. I should have stayed home yesterday but I needed my time to process the news of male friend. Well... we will have to change how the rebel lives at home. She came, she saw and left and didn't come home last night. I cannot continue living the way it was before she left. And the spouse her father is going to have come on board with me for the time remaining in this relationship of ours.

Clearly many things need fixing here.

Yet... it is Thanksgiving Day I have a healthy family. We are living in the best place in the world. I am told I am a vibrant woman who should have a wonderful life. I am truly thankful for what I have. My "true" friends are indeed "true" yet they are not backing away from telling me the truth and getting me to "buck up!"

Thanks be given to all of you who read, support and are my "true" pals. I love you all.

Silly Sunday - a tale

 King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.  The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice

NOW  

     DONT                  

    CHEAT

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly