Wishing You A

Abba ~ Happy New Year

That is what Christmas is About

Made it through Christmas Day and we are now on the third day after Christmas counting through the festive season to the Feast of Epiphany on the 12th day. For me the holidays do last right til the 6th.

There were a couple of tense moments between the two offspring on the day itself. They were at each others throats and it wasn't pretty. The spouse, their father, had a go and had to take care of business because I didn't have the drive to deal with their attitudes on a day that is supposed to be all about family. I wonder sometimes how we failed our children, and I have to place a lot of credit on the spouse who wouldn't work with me to create a family bond of importance. Family time, hang out together time, he doesn't get it.... still! And I know when my offspring figure it out, they'll know where things came from and I fear and expect their father to be a lonely old man. He brought it on himself.

Tweeny had her knickers in a twist because I wouldn't allow her out with friends on Christmas Day. They kept calling and visiting. For some reason, it would appear that some families don't seem to mind their children wandering the streets on the one day of the year when the entire city is locked up tight! There is NOTHING to do. Stores, gas stations, even Tim Horton's - all closed! Why these kids were allowed out from home to *hang out* I have no clue. On this one, the spouse was with me. We told Tweeny's friends she wasn't allowed out and we wanted to eat our dinner in peace. She was not impressed and kept up a stubborn front. I mean REALLY? WHAT is wrong with parents who allow *their* Tweenys' out and about to loiter when there is clearly NO WHERE to go?! It continues to astound me. I am clearly not up for Mother of the Year this year! No award in sight!

I went to church Christmas morn, after the gifts were opened. The kids wouldn't come with me. The spouse has never attended church, I don't ever ask, but it has it made it difficult to enforce attendance upon the offspring now that they are older. It's still mostly non-negotiable with Tweeny, but the Rebel doesn't usually attend. It doesn't help that I belong to small parish without a lot of choice of liturgies, however, Tweeny does go most Sundays with me, and did go Christmas Eve day, so I allowed her the rationale of not attending "to leave more room for all those twice-a-year-Christians. " Singing traditional carols, being with people whom I've known some time now, and having quiet time to just be really helped centre me for the day.

I spent some of the day wondering what future holidays would be like. I did say last year "never again" and I regret to say I still believe that. I would like to fly home and be with my family next year. Whether or not the offspring come with me will depend I guess on whether or not they get a better offer from their father, whom I suspect would end up driving to see his family if things transpire as I expect they will.

Interestingly though, as much as the offspring were kinda growly and somewhat cranky, they do expect their family traditions. They expect to see certain food, a set candle-lit table, the usual holiday music, in spite of all. Rebel was surprisingly into it when she wasn't trying to kill her sibling.

I didn't send out cards or the usual newsletter this year. Nor did I invite any friends over for visits or meals this year. I didn't have the interest for entertaining or for writing the cheery all is wonderful kind of news even in my usual self deprecating style. I kind of thought, what's the point when I suspect in two to three months I'll be spending out change of address notices and oh by the way, we've separated.

Don't get me wrong though. The peace and meaning of Christmas is with me. I do have that joy within me even knowing that change is afoot. I contemplate daily on what the season means and know that I am doing what I need to ensure a better holiday and life in coming years for me and those who are in my inner circle.

And you my dear friends who read and support - I keep you in my heart during this important part of the year. You have all had some impact on my life and have helped shape part of who I am and where I am going. And even though many of you choose not to post to the blog either anonymously or otherwise, your emails and phone calls are always appreciated.

It is this kind of friendship that is the best gift of all.

I will continue to keep that close.
Remember that this is what Christmas,
twelve days and beyond is really about.

Thirteen {x2} on Thursday

Words of wisdom on (my favourite subject) *happiness*

Yes... I am obsessed. There is much to think about on the subject. The first being - why do Chinese proverbs sound like something a Baba ( a Ukrainian grandmother) would say??? Check it out... you'll see what I mean! And you'll note some of my blah blah...( next to the words of wisdom)

1.The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. (Because one is so busy searching, one forgets about doing the living!)
Eric Hoffer . The Passionate State of Mind

2. But does not happiness come from the soul within? ( exactly MY point!)
Honoré De Balzac. Later appeared as part of Romans et contes philosophiques and part of the Etudes philosophiques (1831).

3. Character is the basis of happiness and happiness the sanction of character.
George Santayana . “Reason in Common Sense,”, The Life of Reason

4. The search for happiness ... always ends in the ghastly sense of the bottomless nothingness into which you will inevitably fall if you strain any further. ( stop searching and start living a positive productive life, and see what comes to you!)
D.H. (David Herbert) Lawrence “The Fox,” The Tales of D. H. Lawrence,

5. Deceive not thyself by over-expecting happiness in the married estate.... Remember the nightingales which sing only some months in the spring, but commonly are silent when they have hatched their eggs, as if their mirth were turned into care for their young ones. ( It's when the singing stops therefore, that you have to figure out how to create new melodies)
Thomas Fuller “Of Marriage,” bk. 3, The Holy State and the Profane State

6. Men who seek happiness are like drunkards who can never find their house but are sure that they have one.
Voltaire - in a letter to - François Marie Arouet ( DO NOT get me started on the house!)

7. Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
Robertson Davies In The Enthusiasms of Robertson Davies

8. Happiness is a matter of one’s most ordinary everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self. ( Yes... you're right Iris!)
Iris Murdoch Willy Kost, in The Nice and the Good,

9. Happiness consumes itself like a flame. It cannot burn for ever, it must go out, and the presentiment of its end destroys it at its very peak.
J. August Strindberg . The Husband, in A Dream Play.

10. Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to make unhappiness possible.
Marcel Proust. “Time Regained,”, Remembrance of Things Past

11. Happiness lies outside yourself, is achieved through interacting with others. Self-forgetfulness should be one’s goal, not self-absorption. The male, capable of only the latter, makes a virtue of an irremediable fault and sets up self-absorption, not only as a good but as a Philosophical Good.
Valerie Solanas. The SCUM Manifesto (1968).The acronym SCUM stood for “The Society for Cutting Up Men.” ( only at the heights of the Feminist era in the 1960s would one say these things. Please remember, I am not one who doesn't like men. I do indeed like MOST men!)

12. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other, or ever so similar before-hand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life.
Jane Austen . Charlotte Lucas in Pride and Prejudice, ( note to self - have the daughters read Jane Austen BEfORE marrriage, not after!)

13. Happiness is a monstrosity! Punished are those who seek it. ( well... that'a a tad harsh!)
Gustave Flaubert Pensées de Gustave Flaubert,

1-2. Happiness is peace after strife, the overcoming of difficulties, the feeling of security and well-being. The only really happy folk are married women and single men. ( I would argue this!)
H.L. (Henry Lewis) Menckenc. A Mencken Chrestomathy,

2-2. Happiness does not await us all. One needn’t be a prophet to say that there will be more grief and pain than serenity and money. That is why we must hang on to one another.
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov. Letter, March 3, 1888, to K.S. Barantsevich. Complete Works and Letters in Thirty Volumes,

3-2. Extreme happiness begets tragedy. (SEE! A Ukrainian Grandma - a baba- would say this!)
Chinese proverb

4-2. Happiness ain’t a thing in itself—it’s only a contrast with something that ain’t pleasant.... And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain’t happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh.
Mark Twain The Complete Short Stories ( there's truth here!)

5-2. Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization. ( regardless of WHO he is, I think he makes a point)
Marquis de Sade L’Histoire de Juliette, ou les Prospérités du Vice,

6-2. The happiness of the body consists in the possession of health; that of the mind, in being sensible of that blessing. Anonymous, U.S. women’s magazine contributor. Weekly Visitor or Ladies Miscellany, p. 189 (March 1803

7-2. Happiness does not consist in things themselves but in the relish we have of them; and a man has attained it when he enjoys what he loves and desires himself, and not what other people think lovely and desirable.
François, Duc De La Rochefoucauld Moral Maxims and Reflections, no. 49

8-2. If happiness, then, is activity expressing virtue, it is reasonable for it to express the supreme virtue, which will be the virtue of the best thing.
Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics, bk. 10,

9-2. Cheerfulness is a policy; happiness is a talent.
Mason Cooley. City Aphorisms, Sixth Selection, New York (1989).

10-2. In the midst of happiness, one may not appreciate what happiness is. ( too true, too true)
Chinese proverb.

11-2. If all our happiness is bound up entirely in our personal circumstances it is difficult not to demand of life more than it has to give.
Bertrand Russell The Conquest of Happiness,

12-2. Virtue is simply happiness, and happiness is a by-product of function. You are happy when you are functioning. William Burroughs “The Creative Observer,” Painting and Guns (1992).

13-2. Doing good is the greatest happiness. ( do some good this Christmas season)
Chinese proverb


And the Bonus bits of wisdom....

One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to.
Alexander Solzhenitsyn. Shulubin, in Cancer Ward

Strictly speaking as emotional entities, human beings are self contained. We believe other people's actions cause us to be happy - or miserable, as the case may be - but it is our thoughts about their actions that create the hormonal responses we interpret as happiness. (and remember this! Never mind she writes erotica - whoa...it's AMAZING what one finds in public library collections.... I am still.... catching my breath.. but that's a T-13 for another day)
Emma Holly, Strange Attractions

Count down to Christmas

Things have been fairly quiet around here. The spousal unit is still in anger,in disgust or in denial.. or perhaps a melange of the three... or would that be menage a three?

The counsellor had a lot of questions for me. They do tend to ask rather than tell; though she also has strategies for me for coping with said melanged spouse.

The dynamics around here as well can be imagined are not great. Tweeny, is probably wondering why no one is saying anything and attempting a "normal" life. Rebel Teen angrier than a hornet and believing things will fall apart sooner than ever. She is rarely home and when she does turn up it's demands or disrespect.

I am keeping it low key til after Christmas. I really don't see any point in getting into it now even though things have been stirred up.

The spouse has told me that Rebel will not be getting her expected and requested gift. She has a number of outstanding debts ( already at age 18) including a fine from the city for some unexpected trouble she got into that caused her grief. The spouse, her dad says her gift will be payment of the fines to clear her and perhaps a couple of gift certificates but NOT what she really wants. I would have to agree with him on this. She is going to be one miserable Rebel come Christmas morn.

I would like to forgo dinner this year and take the family to one of the many dinners for the poor this year, and have them volunteer ( volun-told?) to serve so they can see what they have and what many don't. Somehow though, I think this would be seen in the wrong light given all the other crap around here.

The counsellor suggested I talk to the girls about how they feel, if/why they are angry and to acknowledge it, while insisting that Rebel in particular butt out of my business. I wouldn't mind doing this if she would just stay home long enough for the conversation. But she ain't happy with me so these conversations could take time to get to.

In the meantime, fruitcake is going in the mail. If you asked, you'll get, as long as I know where to send it. Just a taste, and perhaps enough for tea a couple of nights in a row. Careful, don't drive though.. it's about a .07 on the scale for drinking and driving!

A late night Sunday SIlly..... Dear Abby....

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer,
the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the
girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always
says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I
always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving
off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why?

Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell
phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and
screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night
she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided
I was going to park my BMW motor cycle next to the garage and then
hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when
she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Beemer, that I notice
that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Sincerely,

Harvey


She rolls her eyes!
I haven't had much private time to post. I hope to pop a note
or two this week. In the mean time... laugh with me people... laugh
with me.

If only.

Friends,

I need to lighten up a bit. Quiet (I TRUST) weekend coming up. Haircut and highlights is as exciting as it will get plus a pot luck at church for the Feast of St Nicolas. We've never done that before. I am in a quandry wondering if St. Nicolas would bring cosmetics as a gift for the Tweeny? Rebel says she wants to attend. Church would be good for her, just not sure I want her with me these days!

In the meantime....

if WOMEN ruled the world.....

The Ticking Time Bomb Approach

Why is it these things happen a day after a counseling session and not the day before. The Counselor had asked me how things were going with the Rebel Teen. I responded... not bad. We'd had a few intense conversations, however, I believed, at the time, my viewpoint was coming across. I did my best to be level headed and sensitive, and I believed the Teen thought so too.

Alas, a day later, the Teen had her friend staying over night without checking it out. I've made it clear that the Rebel is too old for sleepovers. As adults, everyone goes home to their own bed, rather than staying in one of mine! It happened two nights in a row. There were other things that didn't please me, that looked as if the Teen was not paying as much attention as I thought.

Two days later I had walked in the door after running errands for three hours, and all I wanted to do was sit, have a glass of wine, put my feet up and read the morning paper. (It was 4 in the afternoon!) She wanted a ride somewhere.
I said no. She got cranky.
I still said no. Finally she asked why not.
"What do I get out if?" I asked.
Well... my goodness, did she get nasty. This escalated totally out of proportion.

I didn't lose it, but suggested that if she needed me to do things for her then she had to carry her weight in the family.

"This is no family," she said.
"I know what you want. You and your stupid writings on the internet.
You want a divorce, but you're too chicken to do anything about it.
Why don't you just get the F$&*out of the house.
Just leave!"

I kind of had a knot go deep through my gut at that point but let it go and continued,

"if you're not a family member, you're a roommate which means even more responsibilities, because roommates can be kicked out before moms leave.
And THIS mom, regardless of what you THINK you read, isn't going anywhere."

She slammed the door and left. The spouse, is looking gob smacked. Why, I haven't figured out. Surely, he's not that out of it. But apparently he is looking as if this is all news to him. What planet is he on?

I was going out for the evening, and as I left so did he. He asked if I had plans to get a divorce or separate. I could honestly say, I didn't have plans, but I had been thinking for a long time.
He said we need "to get this done sooner rather than later be cause we can't live like this any more"
I looked up at him, and told him nothing would be "done" until after Christmas, and given I've been living "like this" for almost 6 years, 6 weeks, 6 months wouldn't make any difference to me at this point. So no... I am not rushing to change anything right now.

To make matters worse, I don't believe the Rebel realized what she had done. She came home the next day as if nothing at all had happened. She had called me some unspeakable names, her father had done nothing to defend me, she blurted out all she believed she knew from reading the old blog, and returned as if it was all okay. The Tweeny is probably in denial upset with the yelling and arguing.

Spouse, meanwhile, has taken to sleeping, more permanently it would seem, in the spare room and locking me out it.
It's where the iron lives, and my extra closet is in there so I do need access!

For now, I am cooling my jets and trying to normalize for the holiday season.


My own feelings? I was surprisingly, not at all upset really. Perhaps he is now feeling as though a bomb has been dropped on him. I feel ..... nothing except perhaps a little relief. This is of course a conversation that is not at all going to be pleasant. But as a friend said to me," I need the conversation to be between the two of us, and not one sided. " Like him, I won't be "done to."

Because the thing is, regardless of the Rebel's behaviour, which was appalling, and Tweeny in denial, these two kids mean we - the spousal unit and I - must be civil and perhaps learn to get along better. We are NEVER going to be out of each others lives. I get that. I believe he still needs to figure it out.

In the meantime, I have to get this family into some sort of Christmas mode regardless of where the spouse's head is at these days.

Where's the freakin' eggnog anyway!?

Wait a day....

Snow... ice pellets, and freezing rain.
sigh...
Take the bus... traffic will be torturous!

Gotta love this country!