The Law: Food for thought ...

This is from a dear friend who responded when I asked her questions about the family law stuff and the ideas I had about what to do yesterday. She is a lawyer by profession, a stay at home mom by choice. She's good.

Marie, this is JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION and you have to weigh in with your own feelings, the facts of your situation and your spouse's likely approach/position.

The idea of collaborative law is a good one but one of those touchy-feely things that work well for people who are already getting along. This is also of benefit to these "collaborative law offices" wherein all the money stays there- thank you very much - so take all those claims with a grain of salt.

The other thing you must realize is that a mediator is not "YOUR" mediator- in other words- they are not your advocate- they are attempting, in good faith, to get an agreement- nothing wrong with that- but I personally- believe that at least initially- you need an advocate- someone who is in your corner and will explain and represent your interests. Having someone explain to you without your (I'm sorry-) obnoxious and demeaning spouse there, leaping over himself later- at home to twist everything around- and help you determine a starting place- would be preferable.

You do not need your lawyer to be a counselor- you need your lawyer to get you the best possible legally binding agreement to govern your future relationship with your spouse and kids. From what I have heard from you- the spousal unit is extremely angry and carries a grudge. While this is irrelevant in the long term- getting to "yes" with him may be a painful, debilitating process. I don't say this because I think you are a walk-over- anything but- however, I say this because you need an advocate- you need someone competent to take your position. Because you ARE adversaries- you are more adversarial than almost any other civil litigation. The chances of your case actually being litigated in a court of law are slim- unless your spouse is stupider than he sounds. It is the litigation that is costly- hammering out an agreement should not be overwhelming- once you both understand your rights and responsibilities. (And have time to digest them and simmer down).

All that being said- another initial step in this process is going to be talking to the spousal unit about what his expectations are. I would only advise this- AFTER you have been to a lawyer- with your financials all ready- so that you KNOW what you want and what your realistic expectations should be. Couples can have a tendency to work out what they believe are good, viable agreements that are a total WASTE of time- because they then go see lawyers and are apprised of all the things they haven't thought of.

So- in a nutshell- it doesn't appear to me that you and your spouse are mediation types- you may be- and I am just missing it. There is no point in getting to the room and realizing after long moments of silence that there is no one budging on either side.

There is something you have to let go of in the legal process- and that is the: "you are right" mentality- that you are right and full of righteous indignation because you have been a good spouse and supported your deadbeat, alcoholic, porn loving, non-involved parent spouse- nobody cares about that (except maybe your counselor) because the law did not force you marry your spouse (without a prenup) and frankly- they HATE having to fix people's mistakes.

Being strong.

So... as I sort through the options of what do I do and how do I do it I learned which law firm the spouse went to, and with whom he might have discussed our situation. A pretty boring firm, with probably one or two who specialize in family law. He got the papers, he got the information, and now he thinks he knows it all.

Never mind that she who has been feeling the pain for the last six or so years, did the homework ages ago and knows the details.

So here's the deal these days on the family law front. It's about avoiding litigation, keeping costs down and going the collaborative law route or the mediation route.

Collaborative law is still about meeting the lawyers but it's at a round table instead of across the table. And it's usually two lawyers in the same firm... both of whom get paid. Nice business if you get it! So we avoid litigation, promise to be nice and get to an agreement in a friendly way. Friendly? The man hasn't spoke to me in two years... not sure friendly would work.

Mediation - no lawyers at the onset, but the two "parties" plus a single mediator work through the negotiations. It's really not in my best interest or his. I don't have someone working for me as the agreieved party in all this. Once the negotiations have been agreed upon, the "parties" have their lawyers review the agreement to ensure no one is taken for a ride. I've done labour negotiations from the union side. I could do this. Mediating and negotiating seems to be a good idea I think. It's not quite adverserial, but we can get the thing done... probably after some initial screaming and angst. But perhaps seeing a lawyer first to think this through carefully is a better idea.

The question is I have a spouse who has held every slight and every word in the back of his brain. He holds grudges. He has not been able to shake off even the slightest of slights. And not just mine - any body who he has ever spoken to from what I recall in past conversations. Slights that are ill perceived, and probably not remembered by those involved. Hurts that are not really hurts. He is a head case, even though he doesn't see it or believe it. Will a trained mediator be able to deal with his grudges and perceived hurts? I seriously doubt this.

Can someone with this in their psyche be able to set that aside and work at what is best for his daughters? Or will he find it important to try and push me to the wall to get "his" way?

He claimed in conversations we had, that he didn't want children, he claimed he didn't want the house. He claimed he didn't want to live where we lived - that he had no choice.

sigh....

It is all a revision of our history. However, as angry as I am, because I have to admit there is still anger back there, I would expect civility for the sake of what is best for the kids.
The problem is always - what I believe is in their best interest, and what he believes is in their best interest is where the tension resides. It is this that I dread....

I have been told over and over and over, that I am a strong person. Many women friends, indeed MOST of them, tell me that I am the strongest person they know... and ya know... I am kind of tired of being strong.

Perhaps that's the best reason for why I want this over and done. I am tired of being strong. Perhaps I've had to be strong for all the wrong reasons... yeah... the spouse who isn't - forced me into certain roles. Perhaps that's the best reason of all to get it done: So I can find someone to pick up my slack, and who can hold me up so I don't have to do it anymore.

Thirteen on Thursday

13 beginnings to fantasize about til post separation

1. New men in my life? ( not sure I really care yet; although if Keanu Reeves walked in..... )
2. Re-decorating the house MY WAY! with input from the teens, no doubt
3. Mustang fever
4. No excuses when asked "so.... where's your spouse tonight?"
5. No kids worrying about whether daddy is in a good mood or bad mood and how to approach him today
6. Making independent financial decisions ( well.... I already do that!)
7. My own computer
8. My own music playing loudly
9. No worries about eating *his* food
10. No worries about how the spouse might behave during dinner parties... he won't be there
11. No more counselling sessions - I am so tired of having my head cracked open
12. My house, my stuff 24/7! Clean powder room, no hockey gear, no table saw, no broken down crap in the garage!
13. The beginning of a new life without the grouchy, miserable, negative, cranky, alcoholic, selfish, arrogant spouse

Musing on a Monday

This was my horoscope today:

Fresh starts only happen when old situations are finally put to rest. It may be difficult to let this come to a conclusion, but it's necessary if you want to move on with your life. Breathe. Learn to accept reality.

HMMM I had a conversation on the weekend with my former faith based counsellor. I believe it was her "blessing" I was looking for as I try to walk this path.

She is one who knows *all* the intimate details - more than anyone else about the stuff that went on six years ago, when the spouse dropped the bomb.

She pretty much said the same to me as today's horoscope.
And the reality that needs to be accepted is the following:

The spouse is not going to change. He's made it very clear that counselling will NOT be a consideration, and that I had

"better get my head out of the sand!"

Reality is - my life is changing. The marriage to this spouse is done. I do indeed need to breathe and move on and keep breathing. And interestingly, EVERYONE I talk to tells me...

"yeah.. it will be tough, but once it's done,
you're going to wonder why you didn't do it sooner."

So I suppose I have to make the sooner happen sooner don't I? No point in prolonging the pain. ( I can see Lily-by-the-Bay wanting to do the table dance with me on this one!)

Had a great weekend though. At the scrap booking and spa weekend with 9 other women, the fun never stopped. I probably ate more carbs this weekend than I've had the past six months! Everything from home fries, scalloped potatoes, pasta, bread pudding (with custard sauce) to die for, and the rest of the food at the buffet tables. I am surprised I could get the jeans on before I left Sunday. Yoga pants are NOT just for yoga!

The six degrees of separation were more than unreal. That red thread connecting us was demonstrated through more than one example. There were connections with at least four of the women that we learned through sharing and talking as only women do. That and almost 25 pages later of photos in the book!

And my little dinner party went well too. Forgot to add the goat cheese to the salad, but ... now that means more for me! The spouse banished himself to the basement and wouldn't take any food even when I told my two helpers to offer him a dish full! What EvEr... courtesy should still count!

We had a lovely time.

And so it goes. I breathe, and start to move on. The appointments with legal counsel will need to happen.

It's gonna get interesting.

Fourteen on the Fourteenth.

14 reasons I can let this go.

Thanks to my doctor for this one who seems to be filling in for my vacationing counsellor.

1.I got my girls to a stage where they are older and more able to vocalize and articulate how they feel in this process - always an important challenge to keep in mind on this journey.
2. I worked it baby. I worked it hard.
3. I did the counselling and tried to make changes I believed would make a difference.
4. I tried to see things from the spouse's point of view and think about what he *might want* even if he couldn't/wouldn't articulate it.
5. I have been mostly positive through this the past six years.. well okay... a few nutbar mements... but they were good ones!
6. I have been mostly trusting - until I found out about the fantasy girlfriend That kinda sent the trust factor down a few notches.
7. I have done what my faith has expected even if the teachings of my faith make things difficult. They are not insurmountable though. Even the Catholics have figured out a bad marriage should not be forever. I do not have guilt. Have gotten over guilt years ago!
8. I have been protecting my self interests even though I wanted something else.
9. I didn't think of an exit strategy until it felt as if NOTHING else was going to work.
10.I kept a positive mental attitude even when it hasn't seemed like there was ANYTHING to be positive about.
11. I didn't turn into a raging-man-hating -witch with a *BEE* There ARE a few nice ones out. They know who they are.
12. I didn't turn alcoholic. A waste of a good dram of Dalwhinnie that would be!
13. It seems I have permission to do so from everyone....... but myself.
14. It was Valentine's Day 24 years ago that my spouse proposed to me and promised to love me forever.

Yeah...
well....
WhatEvEr...

I bought the Rebel and Tweeny HUGE Hershey's kisses and dropped a load of Cadbury caramel hearts in a bowl on the kitchen table today. I will buy myself a bottle of Santa Marguerita Pinot Grigio and enjoy that with my dinner this evening.

Tell the ones you love ....that you love!

Love to all of YOU - my permission giving friends!

He Lectures. I Practice Zen.

The spousal unit is starting to kick it up a notch. He was on my case about me not filling out the financial forms. I told him I was not ready. I also told him that when I *was* ready he would get them. He was talking on and on about what I had to do and why I had to do it. It sounded rather like a lecture for grade nine students. He is a teacher. This is how he regularly speaks to me and others. Others have told me they don't like his lecturing style.

So I stopped him...

"spouse," said I," you're not telling me anything I don't know.
Please do not speak to me as if I was one of your students. I am not."

"what do you mean?
You need to know this, and you have to deal with it."

"I am well aware of all this information,
and I will deal with it when I am ready."

The conversation did continue on he getting more frustrated, me trying to get into the zen calm thing. At some point his heavy drinking entered the conversation. By anyone's definition three or four ounces of whiskey every night and a couple of beers around the whiskey is defined everywhere as heavy drinking.

His response was:

"I am never hung over, and it's not interfering with work."

"YET!"

Since then - Saturday evening - he hasn't touched a drop. I believe he is attempting to make a point. I believe it is too late.

He has also made veiled threats of *who* will live in the matrimonial home post separation and *with whom* He believes that because he is such a Disneyland Dad, our girls will want to live with him in the house that he refuses to maintain. I've been told to not engage and not get into it with him. And I agree. I did tell him though, that I was not going anywhere for some time.

He took his glass of water and left the kitchen.

It is really going to happen.

More when I have time to write. In the meantime. This song was on the radio when I woke up Sunday morning. It's sad. It made me cry again. I know it's done. That doesn't make it any less real or painful.
I will get through this.

It just seems.... so ..... futile.
sigh...

I am mostly all right though, okay. I am not going to slash my wrists or do anything too foolish. Might go a little nutbar on the spouse, but .... in spite of my mixed emotions about all of this... he deserves a little nutbar-ness.

Thirteen on Thursday

13 things I need to do for the dinner party

1. plan the menu -
2. buy the food (where you can get Hungarian sweet paprika? - goulash... new recipe, hearty for a winter evening!)
3 buy the booze- hmmm merlot? shiraz? always pinot grigio... Caramel Irish Creme?
4 clean the powder room that spousal unit uses as personal bathroom
5 check the supplies - have everything else? maple syrup for the coffee maple mousse
6. confirm with the Rebel on serving times and hourly wage for helping out
7. ask Tweeny if she wishes to help (AS IF!)
8. ensure the linens are ironed and crisp (we don't use paper napkins in this house ...ever!)
9. ensure the few silver pieces are polished - check the salad bowl that has the silver rim
10. do the time line - project management skills are a great competency for dinner parties
11. check with colleague - who is bringing the out of towners?
12. ok ok... invite the spouse
13. sit back relax and enjoy the party

Dinner

I'm planning on hosting a dinner party - business colleagues - all women - for guests from out of town that we work with regularly. I am a tad nervous, not because I lack skill or anything, but because I am worried about behavior of spouse and Rebel. I discussed this with the counsellor. She suggested I involve the Rebel as a server and general helper for the do. So I asked her and she was pleased to be asked. I did tell her I would pay her.

What the hell!
She wants to have her friend help too.
Again I say what the hell!

Now, as for the spouse, I just don't know what he'll be like. And that is the worry. There are still a number of small things that have not been completed for the renovations that just must be done if I am to have guests in the house. I have asked for these little things to get done, but I am not seeing any action. So, I will hire my favourite electrician, I'll hang the pictures myself (they'll be crooked... oh well!) and cook my dinner and see how it goes.

And this is yet one more thing I think about all the time. I LOVE cooking for friends. I LOVE having people around my dining room table - business or pleasure. The spouse's behavior on any level, does make me uncomfortable.

The counsellor says I should consider inviting him for the dinner, even though it is business and it is all women (so you know we'll stray!) I will take it under advisement and decide early next week. I would suspect he won't join us, but then, perhaps he might and I should be prepared for that too. I've been told I have to refrain from issuing orders on what and how things will proceed.

Let go control.
Let go control!

One of my business colleagues is also a friend. She has already told me that if things implode at the last minute she will bail me out - as long as I bring the food- she'll provide the booze!

Friends.... what would one do without them.

We're everywhere!

Had a few drinks with a dear friend who lives in the big city. We had both alluded in previous get togethers about our mutual spouses. And here she is as frustrated, annoyed, angry, and unhappy in her marriage as I am in mine.

"We've grown apart" she said.
"The tension in the house is palpable- because I am the bad guy with my own children. We are never in sync."

Words out of my book!

And she's not the only one. Furtively, in dark bars everywhere, women are having these same conversations.

How does this happen?
The two of us, over martinis, ( gin never vodka), tears in our eyes, wondering how the train wreck happens? She has a lovely life style. Lawyer husband, house paid off, vacations paid for in cash, not a financial worry ever thanks mostly to his career far more than hers, but still she wonders

"Is it worth it? No, it isn't but my kids. The relationship they see isn't good. But they have a lifestyle I don't want to take away from them."

He wants to live at the cottage all summer, I want to see people, do things, go places. He doesn't ever want to do these things.

We're married to the same man... sort of.

And there's the trade off right? Three different counsellors have told her, after conversations and work with both of them, that he's not going to change how he operates, how he thinks. The two of them have completely different ideas about what they want to do with life.

And so we continue on these rough trails... sacrificing our own needs. But how long can that kind of life go on?

hmmm there's the million dollar question.

A wonderful book on this subject of we women in midlife... Barbara Moses, PhD - Dish. A must read for all of us.

Thirteen on Thursday

The spouse was preparing for some lunch potluck thing at his work. He went in search of a tin of soup. Found one tin. I said oh... I used the second tin in the sauce I made for dinner on Sunday. WELL! Hissy fit supreme. It's most fascinating watching a man have a hissy fit.
For the regular readers yo may recall he has a "thing" about "his food" A-HEM... "his food?" yeah.. right. What EvEr!

So in the spirit of ennuie and observation of male hissiness... today's Thursday 13 is

What to say when your spouse
accuses you of taking "his" can of soup from the pantry.

1 You're kidding, right?
2 Your can of soup? See no.1
3 Next time, put your name on "your" food. See no.1
4 Umm ever try an interesting concept known as
'COMM YOU NI- KA -SHUN!!!! Maybe talk to me and tell me you have something you need for a potlluck or something, and of course, I'll leave it alone. I can improvise in the kitchen.
5 Build yourself a special pantry cupboard with a lock so that no can touch "your" special cans of soup.
6 Hide your special soup cans in the basement with your empty whiskey bottles.
7 Buy four cans of soup even if you only need two so that if someone takes one of "your" cans, there will still be an extra!
8 Ask for his forgiveness for taking "his" can of soup. See no.1
9 Rush right out and buy him another can of soup. See no. 1
10 Tell him to run out to KFC and buy some ready made gravy
11 Tell him ixnay on the gravy .... too high in carbs and fat calories, no one will want it.
12 Tell him that amateur hour is over in the kitchen and you'll help out and make gravy without the soup.
13 Roll your eyes as his hissiness increases as he stomps around the kitchen slamming pantry doors and tell him to pound sand. (Thanks Blondie!)