Respite

Time for me to take a break. Not from here - from home. I have two major events this month and am glad. I used to travel a fair bit for business but in changing jobs, not so much on the travel any longer to the point that my frequent flyer card has disappeared!

So off to the big city this weekend for a board meeting and a little bit of business too. Meeting business colleagues for dinner Friday evening. Saturday, after meetings, I'll be seeing friends I haven't seen in almost 15 years... Rebel Teen was only four years old last time I visited with this couple. They are musicians. Almost my age and have taken their act to the subway stations to busk, to coffee houses and the Internet. What courage... what talent!

Sue and Dwight

I'm looking forward to catching up with them. They are wonderful, wonderful good people. We've known each other since we were kids.

Then in two weeks... scrap booking and spa weekend. A whole weekend creating photo albums for me and my kids. The former friend used to call my hobby "revising memories" you know - chopping heads and bodies out of photos and using revisionist history to tell the stories of the photos.... It's not quite like that at all, although if I DID have photos of him now..

he'd be cropped!

The hotel where we're staying has an outdoor hot tub. We're hoping for really cold winter weather... makes the hot tub that much more enjoyable... along with a nice sparkling chardonnay and a moon outside.. Of course hot tubbing is only done at night with alcohol when it's -15C or colder!

So a respite from the non-dynamics of the spouse. He's yet to ask about the financial forms. Odd... Perhaps he is waiting for me, as usual. Perhaps he's planning his own moves.

What EvEr!!

I'll be back between trips. No doubt the drama will continue to some degree. I just work at not engaging it any more. I am letting go the control. (sort of- it ain't easy!)

Everyone needs a break. My get away breaks are here!

The Note

The former friend sent me a note today. Somehow I knew that the next time I would hear from him it would be because of one of two things: an announcement to tell me was getting married - natural progression given he's living with his pet sitter, or that one of his pets, his beloved dog had died. And oddly, I had been having weird vibes this week.... it's kinda creepy how these things work.


Sure enough, the dog died this past week, and he was compelled to tell me because of a gift I had given him. A friend of mine, Aleks, AKA, StalkstheDawn, painted a portrait of his dog. I knew this day would come. The dog, a German Shepherd was pretty old and had had a tough time last winter. I knew he wouldn't get through this winter. I also know how much former friend, AKA, FF absolutely LOVED this animal. This dog was treated better than many small children. This dog was his best friend. And I knew he would be upset and sad so I had the painting commissioned by a very talented virtual friend. I've seen her work. She is exceptionally gifted as an artist. I was lucky to have her do this for me. She captured his beauty. And hence an email telling me he appreciates the gift all the more now because the dog has gone.

I have debated about sending him a note, and decided a very short "I'm sorry" will have to suffice. I loved that dog probably more than I ever liked him. The dog was special no doubt about it. I've never known a pet quite like this dog. And so... a short email will be sent... not today... but soon, telling him, that I too, am sorry for the loss of his dear pet.

The dog was a wonderful companion, and won't be easily replaced. If the painting brings the FF any kind of comfort now... so be it. He , the FF, finally realizes the intent behind my actions (even though I have second guessed myself on this action more than once over the months!)

This is a first for him.

But I won't be re-starting any kind of friendship regardless of his "getting it" or his loss.

Better than chick lit- a Thursday 13

In no particular order are books that I have read or re-read lately. I don't think it speaks to a state of mind completely. These are books that make me laugh or think or just read for the pure enjoyment of reading.

1. Anna Karenina/ Leo Tolstoy

A classic, compelling, emotional saga recounting the effects of nonconformist behavior — a society woman''s adulterous affair and a landowner''s unconventional quest for a meaningful existence in late 19th-century Russia. I read this for the first time in Grade 8. Didn't understand the half of it, but the story of Anna I found tragic. Still do.


2.Backward in High Heels/Judith Kelman

The day Maggie heard her husband's office had burned down, she was heartbroken. But actually, the disaster was worse than she thought. Harold wasn't in the building: he was in bed with a beautiful twenty-three-year-old graduate student. Now he's leaving, and Maggie has to pull herself together. But who should she listen to? Her lawyer? Her overbearing mother? In the end the best advice comes from a most surprising source. Ths one cracked me up. It hit close to home in some ways... but it was funny too. A light read in bed on Sunday.

3. The Bitch Posse/Martha O'Connor
This is the story of three women in high school and as women in their mid-thirties - who formed a bond in order to survive the pitfalls and perils of their lives. In the present day, one of them is a wife and mother-to-be, trying to live a "normal" life, one is a writer who engages in a number of self-destructive relationships, and the third one is in a mental hospital - and has been ever since that one fateful night fifteen years ago, when a heart-wrenching betrayal and the unraveling of relationships led these friends to a point of no return. A little tougher

4. The cloning of Joanna May / Fay Weldon

The central subject of all Weldon's writing is the experience of women, especially their relationships with men. According to Weldon, "Women must ask themselves: What is it that will give me fulfillment? In this bizarre story Joanna learns her husband the doctor has cloned her.... more than once! I love Weldon's stories.

5. The debutante divorcée / Plum Sykes.

I could not help but to get caught up in life of Sylvia Mortimer. We all wish for that man who takes are breath away and makes us only see him. . A fun, fashionable and whimsical story for a Sunday. Total trashy and empty but still fun!

6. The interruption of everything / Terry McMillan.

Marilyn Grimes, age 44, is angry, whiny, and perhaps perimenopausal. With three children in college, a boring husband, a live-in mother-in-law, and her own mother showing signs of dementia, she finds little joy in her world. Just when she comes up with an escape plan—graduate school—her life is interrupted yet again. Marilyn finds out she's pregnant and that her husband, Leon, is leaving for a month-long men's retreat in Costa Rica. During his absence, Marilyn ricochets in several directions but finally confronts her biggest enemy—herself.

7. The life and loves of a 'she-devil' / Fay Weldon

A novel of blazingly hot revenge, one that amply illustrates the saying about heaven having no rage like love turned to hate, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." Waaaaaaay better than the movie. This is such a great revenge story!

8. Love in the time of cholera/Gabreil Garcia Marquez

In this story of a unique love triangle, theatmosphere of South America are so intense. THIS is writing. THIS is story telling.

9. Mantrapped / Fay Weldon

What would happen if a man were to wake up one morning as a woman? Or a woman as a man? After brushing past each other on the stairs above their local laundromat, Trisha and Peter instantly and mysteriously, switch souls. Peter's now housed in Trisha's older and much curvier body, while Trisha's moving about in Peter's younger, trimmer form. But none of this is half as awkward as when they both come home to face Peter's wife and have to decide who will sleep where. Another Weldon book! It's too good!

10. Mrs. Dalloway / Virginia Woolf

Nothing more than the details of a day in the life of Clarissa Dalloway, but this still manages to deliver more. It is the feelings that loom behind those daily events--the social alliances, the shopkeeper's exchange, the fact of death--that give Mrs. Dalloway texture and richness. I mean it's Virginia Woolf!


11. The Other Woman/Jane Green

At first, Ellie is thrilled to be accepted into Dan's loving clan and have Dan's mom as her "adopted" mother. Then the problems begin. How has the intimate civil ceremony Ellie always dreamed of turned into a black-tie affair? And what can Dan and his mother possibly have to talk about on the phone twice a day? When she discovers she's pregnant, Ellie realizes that all this has only been a rehearsal for the real takeover. OY! Not THAT kind of other woman!

12. Revenge Of The Middle Aged Woman/ Elizabeth Buchan

For twenty-five years, Rose Lloyd has juggled marriage, motherhood, and career with remarkable success. It has been a life of family picnics, books and wine, a cherished house, and her own exquisitely designed garden—sunny and comfortable. But then the carefully managed life to which Rose has become accustomed comes crashing down around her when—over the course of a few days—her marriage and her career both fall apart. There is a follow up but I can't remember the title. Another great women's writer. I felt good reading this one and the follow up!

13. What Makes Women Happy/Fay Weldon

What makes women happy? Nothing, for more than ten minutes at a time, so stop worrying.In this new book, Fay Weldon offers wisdom gleaned from a remarkable life, a brilliantly successful career and a fair share of trouble. She explores what makes women happy; how our lives, jobs, families, bodies, desires, morals and responsibilities affect that happiness, and what we can do to lead more rounded and desirable lives.


Enjoy! Happy Reading... in bed or any where else you take your books!

Who we were

I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. Calista Flockhart, Sally Field, Robe Lowe and and whole bunch more make up a fine ensemble cast.

I like it because it's a quirky little drama with some funny, some poignant moments.

Last night, it hit a little close to home.

The Robe Lowe character has gone through a divorce and is now playing the game with our pal Calista. He says about his marriage and ex-wife " I miss who we were, but not what we became." The eldest sister and her husband - also going through a bit of time. " I miss us," she says to her husband after walking in on him at home enjoying a laugh with one of their kids' mom!

And I guess that's a lot of what I am feeling these days. I miss who we were. Some of you were there when we first married. You know that promise of the future, of plans, of lots of laughter as well as building a life together. When someone says to you "I'll love you forever" I and those who witnessed it believed it. We go through the tough times and come out of it stronger. We should learn from it and weave an even tighter bond.

But that's not always the case.

Why?
dammed if I know.

To see it crash down so badly - and really - for no real reason that I can fathom. It hurts and it makes me sad. How does one go from wanting to be something and someone, to ending up with your hand around a scotch glass every night? It's pathetic and it makes me very angry.

My counsellor told me "It really isn't about you. He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting himself." And that too is so so sad. It's not who he was, it's who he has become. And I know I can't really do anything about it. So indeed how do I move on and be who I need to be? I sure don't like THIS feeling. I would rather have the friends for dinner, head out to movies and be with someone who wants me for me. And feel an uplifted spririt rather than this sorrow that is forcing me to live a life I didn't ask for and really don't want.

That doesn't seem too much to ask for. I thought I had that. I thought it was a partnership. It's really not me.
It's him. he's not interested in seeing himself as he is. He's not interested in doing ANYTHING to make it change. I am not sure he could change even if he wanted to. The amount of work he needs to do to get there is - nothing short of monumental. I guess he doesn't see it as worth while. And that too... is such a waste and so sad.

It's not me. It's him. His loss... utterly and totally.

Friday Five.

Spent the hour with my counsellor yesterday talking about why I shredded forms, and why I am not rushing into doing anything.

Man it hurt!

It was painful! But it is healing as well. Understanding who we are and why we do what we do and why we feel the way we do about those closest to us is critical from a learning perspective. ( Why do I choose men who are distant?)

I didn't write a Thursday Thirteen so I will make up for this with a Friday Five - Be grateful it could have been Fifteen!

1. Rejection. His rejection of me - of our life together is keeping me from moving forward No doubt this is somewhat about ego, about who I thought he was, seeing myself as a certain kind of person. No one lives to be rejected.
2. Hurt. See number 1
3. Distance. His inability to be close, to communicate has created huge barriers
4. Quitting. I am not a quitter. Is this quitting? Or giving up? No it's not. Life is not a game.
5. "It's not you - it's me." They all say it. And ya know. He is right! He is damaged, distant, emotionally detached, and singular. It's sad really. So how do I now keep that in mind and have it help me deal with point! We've come full circle.

BONUS :
Patricia Wall
Trish is not my counsellor. I heard her speak earlier this week at Breakfast meeting.
I am intrigued with her work. Her work and ability to help people change - physically, mentally - A fascinating approach to getting your life into new patterns or new modalities.

It’s the beginning of the end and the mouse in the house.

So the spouse threw paperwork at me yesterday evening as I was trying to end my day on a calm note.

They were the disclosure docs you need in preparation for separating matrimonial property. He’s been to a lawyer and has the information now. Something I did years ago the first time the bomb dropped.

I was a tad surprised as I didn’t expect him to suddenly turn proactive. Highly unusual for him. So as he is standing there and attempting to explain to me what the documents are. I interrupted him and told him that I already knew what they were and what was required.

But I am NOT ready for this even now… just not ready. My counsellor tells me it’s okay to not be ready. No doubt we’ll delve there this week and see what’s keeping me from taking it on to the next level. I am dreading it if truth be told.

And I was so pissed at said spouse for empowering himself; I took all three copies of said documentation and put them through the shredder! Shredded them all – AS IF that will make it go away. I know it won’t. But I felt better.

My gut tells me to just deal with it, my head says… make it go away.

Before he sees the lawyer again, I want him to consider one more time - counselling for himself. He’s drinking too much, he’s angry, he’s miserable, and he’s arrogant. I don’t expect he will have the courage. If that’s the case, as I expect it will be, then I guess it will indeed be a done deal.

All around this drama I am also informed that we’ve had mice in the house again. Mostly in the basement. They come in somehow behind my kitchen, right where I keep a lot of my serving dishes, hardware stuff, tools and such. I realized the amount of mouse turds was waaaaaay out of control when I opened the drawer under the oven and saw the those nasty things. BUT – this isn’t the first time.

And WHY did the spouse wait until after I got home from church on Sunday to tell me he wanted to wash the floor and do loads of dishes. I told him it was Sunday and couldn’t wait? He’s been home from work for two weeks, why now? I wanted cooking therapy that afternoon.

It took him another three hours to tell me what the deal was! So I stopped cooking and started cleaning. And in between cleaning he dumps his marital property docs on me. I came back two hours later and it’s as if NOTHING had transpired. How weird is that.

I asked him, - this isn’t the first time we’ve had mice in the house, what do we need to do to FIX the problem? So he goes into his speech about the traps, and getting them all, and now we clean blah, blah, blah!

“No,” says I, “that’s about the symptoms, what about getting to the root of the problem?“

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“We need to STOP the mice from getting into the house in the first place. Do we hire some kind of pest company to figure this out, where they are coming from, how they're getting in, or what? I am kinda tired of the mouse in the house game!”

“Professionals!” he sneers, “ waste of money and they can’t do a damn thing about this.”

Funny, that’s what he said when, a few years ago, I asked him to come to counselling with me - the one and only time. The one and only time.

I’m setting myself up for a repeat retort aren’t I?


Perhaps there’s a bad metaphor here for his head stuff and the mouse in the house stuff.

13 things I find weird!

1. Environmental Weirdness
I was outside today without a hat, without mitts and without boots. My jacaket was not done up! I haven't taken the fur coat out of its protective wrap yet this year. It's January 4 - IN FREAKIN CANADA!!!! - and this is not right! As much as I can't stand the cold the wind and blizzard conditions - this just isn't right. Someone remind of this when it hits and I am whining about not like the spring like conditions. Global warming is most definitely here and now.

2. Spousal Weirdness.
Read something today... damned if I can find it again! Having never had happiness from those who should love you first and most.... a man will spend the rest of his life searching for it. HMMM this strikes a chord on many fronts.

3. Work Weirdness
Why is it that those who really could use the help of the subject experts don't want to believe what they are told - based on experience. Why is there ALWAYS the need to put one's personal stamp whether a stamp is needed or not?

4. Relationship Weirdness
Why is it the first thing one usually hears from those new into dedicated relationships is "well he/she does something, wears something, eats something, behaves somehow - and it's not what I LIKE, so I am gonna change that. (yeah.... good luck with that!)

5. Telephone weirdness
What does every person under the age of 25 like to use their phone to send email?

6. TV weirdness
What's with Nancy Grace? My guilty pleasure... DOG! I MUST have a DOG t-shirt to wear at the gym... ALOOOOOHAAAA!

7. Therapy Weirdness
Well... therapy *is* just plain weird. I am paying someone $130 an hour ( thank you health plan!!!!) to ask ME " so... why do you think that? What would you rather do? how does that make you feel?"

8. Reading Weirdness
Why do I HAVE to read every book I start, even if I sometimes read the ending because the characters drive me mad or it's soooooo BOOOOOO-RING!?

9. Relationship Weirdness part two the mid life crisis
Is it *always* the it's not you .,... it's me..... I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you.... ? WHERE does that come from? I've yet to figure this one out... ( oh yeah... see point 7 again!)

10. Vegetable weirdness
What is the point of brussel sprouts and lima beans? I mean how vile can you get? Does it mean anything that said spousal unit likes both????

11. Relationship Weirdness - part 3 men women friendships
Do all male type people - in the end -really don't want women as friends, but as lovers? That seems to be the common theme with MOST of my women friends. Are there men ANYWHERE that can really *just be friends* and mean it??? I sure damn hope so! I believe so!

12. Newspaper weirdness
What is it with people who read newspapers from back to front, take all the sections apart and then leave it scattered on couches and tables - usually before those who want to read it front to back and perfect order get their hands on it?

13.. Blog weirdness
What's with all us strange types who write this stuff, put it out there and wonder who in heaven's name is reading it? Why do we do it? Why do you like to read it? just asking.....