Saturday, February 05, 2005

Staying Married 4 the kids

Yep... that's me! I've about had it. However, I have decided that since the guy I married, the father of my children, is mostly a decent guy, I am not about to give him the heave ho and push him out the door. The kids need their dad. And frankly, given their druthers, I am sure they'd rather stick with dad - the good guy than mean old mom who seems to insist that rules be followed, respect be given, and bed times followed.

However, the spark is gone. I have really tried to keep this thing going. Long story. It goes back a few years, when he said to me "I love you but I'm not in love with you." What the hell does THAT mean? Then I found out about the "young thing" that he was fantasizing and lusting over talking about "affairs of the heart" as if this was a Love Boat episode. oh no... wait... it wasn't LOVE BOAT it was Bridges of Madison County. Fantasy land... all the way.

She worked with him. Isn't that always the case? Twenty years younger too. I mean really! At least it was all in his head. He really didn't have the nerve to do much else except fantasize. So... I went through a year and half of heartache, therapy, and weight loss beyond belief and learned that no... it was not all about me. It really was his problem. All that while losing twenty pounds I couldn't afford to lose. I looked like a chemo victim.

He just ignored me for the most part, until my birthday when the significant jewelry started to make an appearance.

Oh did I mention we were sleeping in the same bed and not having sex? Ten months of that nonsense. The French tv channel that played soft porn was about as hot as my bed room most nights! Night after night after night.

Thank goodness for a couple of key resources that got me through those awful first few months. He was 48 years old and going through some serious midlife crisis thing. They are real. I started to read more about it, I realized I was far from alone.

A midlife crisis bulletin board and a divorce busting board along with therapy and faith got me through. More on those next time. I tell ya that divorce busting board saved my sanity!

So bottom line... we're still together 4 years later, and so.... now I am thinking... I wish he had had the guts to leave. I wasn't going anywhere. And I still haven't. And we get al;ong for the most part... but I think it's MY TURN to have a midlfe crisis.
What do you think??

2 comments:

sweet as sugar mom said...

Marie,

I am on the other side of your situation. I am a single mom of three, two teens that are now out of the house, and a nine-year old. I have been twice divorced. Recently a man and I hooked up, and it was a few weeks before he told me he was married. I was furious, then tried to forgive him, but ultimately it ended last Friday when I told him he belonged with his family. Besides, I am worth more than what little scraps of time he could give me. So, I ended it. Now, he is angry and he seems to think that somehow I am to blame for all of this. How is this possible? Well because I screwed with his fantasy. I took away his little distraction from his reality; me. Now he gets to go back to his life with his kids and his wife and not have the little playmate on the side. I'm glad I ended this. Anyway...just wanted to let you know, sometimes that 'staying married for the kids' crap is just a ruse for men to have their cake (their ever-constant family) and eat it too (a stupid girlfriend to distract them from their reality...like I was.)

Sincerely,
Ms. Figured It Out in Dallas

Anonymous said...

Marie-
Well, I completely understand the not being able to leave. It is like a game almost (though far from a fun one), who will give in first? Our therapist says life is not worth that. She says to make a decision, either fix it or get out.
Well easy for her to say. She doesn't have 2 kids seh adopted. It would be life shattering for the kids if we got divorced. So my question is how do you live just being married for the kids?
I have bben married for almost 14 years. God only knows why. He has hurt me many times (emotionally) and continues to do so, at the same time calling me psycho, and having a mental problem, at the same time denying he did anything wrong.
Financially I make 3 times more than him. But my credit is bad, so to live on my own would be a hell of a hardship, plus like I said the kids would suffer terribly.
The other thing is when I can push all emotion out of the way, and deny that theres any problems, it is very easy to make it look like everything is fine.
Like your husband, I too, had a fantasy relationship going on with a friend, nothing ever really happening.
But that fantasy saves my life. It keeps me from dying inside and it is mine. He can't touch it, take it away, change it, hurt it, and it makes me feel good.
It also makes me feel stronger.
SO for all the hurt he piles on me, that is my refuge. This friend of mine I don't think, even has a clue how I really feel. We flirt occasionally, and of course I read lots into things, but I'm sure it's all one sided.
I feel completely stuck. He refuses to leave, and I just wish he would. But I know he won't because of the kids.
So what are the big secrets of staying married for the kids?
J