Divorced not once but twice... shall we go for three?

There've been articles lately in the magazines and newspapers on how the second time 'round ain't any better than the first. In fact, the second time stats are pretty abysmal. Statistics Canada has produced a report that says that second timers cut loose in 15% of the time, up from 4% ten years ago. Why is that? Do couples have less patience to work through their issues? Is it a matter of cutting your losses again? Is it that you went in the total opposite direction from No. 1 that you find it's an even bigger mess than the first time?

Statistics Canada only confirms what many marriage therapists and others who study the institution of marriage have been saying for a loooooong time. 2nd timers just aren't that lucky. They usually get married for the wrong reasons. They don't figure out really what went wrong that first time - regardless of how long the marriage lasted.

Michelle Weiner Davis of Divorce Busting fame has a lot to say on this subject. She has some pretty good ideas on busting divorce although I am not sure I have ever actually seen anything about her success rate. If nothing else she helps you figure things out and learn how to build relationships for "the next time."
One of her rants - ok they aren't rants- but her constant refrain, is make it work, figure it out, because if you don't you won't get it right the second time around. I can believe that.
Check it out. http:///www.divorcebusting.com

I stopped going to this board, after about a year of intense conversations, posting and chatting with like minded folks "post bomb." This along with the midlife crisis board saved my head. I have to surf around and find the Midlife URL. Trouble being here is I have to watch my cookie trails. I need to wipe history and such so the spousal unit doesn't know what I am up to over here. Bear with me on this ok. It's tedious having to wipe out the crumbs and traces after everyone of these posts. But I'd rather he not know I am getting creative and venting... even if I don't get any posts... for the short term.

These two boards helped me realize a few things:
1. I wasn't alone.
2. My depressed bizarre spouse was not the only one acting "like that"
3. I could get some advise and information from those going through what I was going through.
That plus the serious head cracking I did with a therapist kept me seriously sane through it all.

Dr Phil is of similar mind. His Relationship Rescue is becoming a classic. The two docs both PhD types in psych or some such head cracking profession are fairly practical. Read them for your own sanity regardless of whether or not the spousal unit wants to play.

And I have to tell you... it's not just husbands who go through this crap, women seem to get seriously whacked too. I think the men find it tougher than the women when their spouses go through this. We women have friends, we bond. I don't find men cope nearly as well. They just wallow waaaaay longer than the girls do.

And if that is the case, then bring it on. It's time I had a midlife crisis so I don't have to engage, so that I can go to the garage drink scotch and hide. Maybe even take off and have a serious fantasy about some young stud twenty years my junior!
If that's a "crisis" bring it on baby! Bring it on.

Next time, barring some bizarre happening in the domestic scene... more on the midlife crisis!
Happy relating and stay married!
Marie Ann.