The Ticking Time Bomb Approach

Why is it these things happen a day after a counseling session and not the day before. The Counselor had asked me how things were going with the Rebel Teen. I responded... not bad. We'd had a few intense conversations, however, I believed, at the time, my viewpoint was coming across. I did my best to be level headed and sensitive, and I believed the Teen thought so too.

Alas, a day later, the Teen had her friend staying over night without checking it out. I've made it clear that the Rebel is too old for sleepovers. As adults, everyone goes home to their own bed, rather than staying in one of mine! It happened two nights in a row. There were other things that didn't please me, that looked as if the Teen was not paying as much attention as I thought.

Two days later I had walked in the door after running errands for three hours, and all I wanted to do was sit, have a glass of wine, put my feet up and read the morning paper. (It was 4 in the afternoon!) She wanted a ride somewhere.
I said no. She got cranky.
I still said no. Finally she asked why not.
"What do I get out if?" I asked.
Well... my goodness, did she get nasty. This escalated totally out of proportion.

I didn't lose it, but suggested that if she needed me to do things for her then she had to carry her weight in the family.

"This is no family," she said.
"I know what you want. You and your stupid writings on the internet.
You want a divorce, but you're too chicken to do anything about it.
Why don't you just get the F$&*out of the house.
Just leave!"

I kind of had a knot go deep through my gut at that point but let it go and continued,

"if you're not a family member, you're a roommate which means even more responsibilities, because roommates can be kicked out before moms leave.
And THIS mom, regardless of what you THINK you read, isn't going anywhere."

She slammed the door and left. The spouse, is looking gob smacked. Why, I haven't figured out. Surely, he's not that out of it. But apparently he is looking as if this is all news to him. What planet is he on?

I was going out for the evening, and as I left so did he. He asked if I had plans to get a divorce or separate. I could honestly say, I didn't have plans, but I had been thinking for a long time.
He said we need "to get this done sooner rather than later be cause we can't live like this any more"
I looked up at him, and told him nothing would be "done" until after Christmas, and given I've been living "like this" for almost 6 years, 6 weeks, 6 months wouldn't make any difference to me at this point. So no... I am not rushing to change anything right now.

To make matters worse, I don't believe the Rebel realized what she had done. She came home the next day as if nothing at all had happened. She had called me some unspeakable names, her father had done nothing to defend me, she blurted out all she believed she knew from reading the old blog, and returned as if it was all okay. The Tweeny is probably in denial upset with the yelling and arguing.

Spouse, meanwhile, has taken to sleeping, more permanently it would seem, in the spare room and locking me out it.
It's where the iron lives, and my extra closet is in there so I do need access!

For now, I am cooling my jets and trying to normalize for the holiday season.


My own feelings? I was surprisingly, not at all upset really. Perhaps he is now feeling as though a bomb has been dropped on him. I feel ..... nothing except perhaps a little relief. This is of course a conversation that is not at all going to be pleasant. But as a friend said to me," I need the conversation to be between the two of us, and not one sided. " Like him, I won't be "done to."

Because the thing is, regardless of the Rebel's behaviour, which was appalling, and Tweeny in denial, these two kids mean we - the spousal unit and I - must be civil and perhaps learn to get along better. We are NEVER going to be out of each others lives. I get that. I believe he still needs to figure it out.

In the meantime, I have to get this family into some sort of Christmas mode regardless of where the spouse's head is at these days.

Where's the freakin' eggnog anyway!?