There were a couple of tense moments between the two offspring on the day itself. They were at each others throats and it wasn't pretty. The spouse, their father, had a go and had to take care of business because I didn't have the drive to deal with their attitudes on a day that is supposed to be all about family. I wonder sometimes how we failed our children, and I have to place a lot of credit on the spouse who wouldn't work with me to create a family bond of importance. Family time, hang out together time, he doesn't get it.... still! And I know when my offspring figure it out, they'll know where things came from and I fear and expect their father to be a lonely old man. He brought it on himself.
Tweeny had her knickers in a twist because I wouldn't allow her out with friends on Christmas Day. They kept calling and visiting. For some reason, it would appear that some families don't seem to mind their children wandering the streets on the one day of the year when the entire city is locked up tight! There is NOTHING to do. Stores, gas stations, even Tim Horton's - all closed! Why these kids were allowed out from home to *hang out* I have no clue. On this one, the spouse was with me. We told Tweeny's friends she wasn't allowed out and we wanted to eat our dinner in peace. She was not impressed and kept up a stubborn front. I mean REALLY? WHAT is wrong with parents who allow *their* Tweenys' out and about to loiter when there is clearly NO WHERE to go?! It continues to astound me. I am clearly not up for Mother of the Year this year! No award in sight!
I went to church Christmas morn, after the gifts were opened. The kids wouldn't come with me. The spouse has never attended church, I don't ever ask, but it has it made it difficult to enforce attendance upon the offspring now that they are older. It's still mostly non-negotiable with Tweeny, but the Rebel doesn't usually attend. It doesn't help that I belong to small parish without a lot of choice of liturgies, however, Tweeny does go most Sundays with me, and did go Christmas Eve day, so I allowed her the rationale of not attending "to leave more room for all those twice-a-year-Christians. " Singing traditional carols, being with people whom I've known some time now, and having quiet time to just be really helped centre me for the day.
I spent some of the day wondering what future holidays would be like. I did say last year "never again" and I regret to say I still believe that. I would like to fly home and be with my family next year. Whether or not the offspring come with me will depend I guess on whether or not they get a better offer from their father, whom I suspect would end up driving to see his family if things transpire as I expect they will.
Interestingly though, as much as the offspring were kinda growly and somewhat cranky, they do expect their family traditions. They expect to see certain food, a set candle-lit table, the usual holiday music, in spite of all. Rebel was surprisingly into it when she wasn't trying to kill her sibling.
I didn't send out cards or the usual newsletter this year. Nor did I invite any friends over for visits or meals this year. I didn't have the interest for entertaining or for writing the cheery all is wonderful kind of news even in my usual self deprecating style. I kind of thought, what's the point when I suspect in two to three months I'll be spending out change of address notices and oh by the way, we've separated.
Don't get me wrong though. The peace and meaning of Christmas is with me. I do have that joy within me even knowing that change is afoot. I contemplate daily on what the season means and know that I am doing what I need to ensure a better holiday and life in coming years for me and those who are in my inner circle.
And you my dear friends who read and support - I keep you in my heart during this important part of the year. You have all had some impact on my life and have helped shape part of who I am and where I am going. And even though many of you choose not to post to the blog either anonymously or otherwise, your emails and phone calls are always appreciated.
It is this kind of friendship that is the best gift of all.
I will continue to keep that close.
Remember that this is what Christmas,
twelve days and beyond is really about.
Remember that this is what Christmas,
twelve days and beyond is really about.
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