Who we were

I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. Calista Flockhart, Sally Field, Robe Lowe and and whole bunch more make up a fine ensemble cast.

I like it because it's a quirky little drama with some funny, some poignant moments.

Last night, it hit a little close to home.

The Robe Lowe character has gone through a divorce and is now playing the game with our pal Calista. He says about his marriage and ex-wife " I miss who we were, but not what we became." The eldest sister and her husband - also going through a bit of time. " I miss us," she says to her husband after walking in on him at home enjoying a laugh with one of their kids' mom!

And I guess that's a lot of what I am feeling these days. I miss who we were. Some of you were there when we first married. You know that promise of the future, of plans, of lots of laughter as well as building a life together. When someone says to you "I'll love you forever" I and those who witnessed it believed it. We go through the tough times and come out of it stronger. We should learn from it and weave an even tighter bond.

But that's not always the case.

Why?
dammed if I know.

To see it crash down so badly - and really - for no real reason that I can fathom. It hurts and it makes me sad. How does one go from wanting to be something and someone, to ending up with your hand around a scotch glass every night? It's pathetic and it makes me very angry.

My counsellor told me "It really isn't about you. He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting himself." And that too is so so sad. It's not who he was, it's who he has become. And I know I can't really do anything about it. So indeed how do I move on and be who I need to be? I sure don't like THIS feeling. I would rather have the friends for dinner, head out to movies and be with someone who wants me for me. And feel an uplifted spririt rather than this sorrow that is forcing me to live a life I didn't ask for and really don't want.

That doesn't seem too much to ask for. I thought I had that. I thought it was a partnership. It's really not me.
It's him. he's not interested in seeing himself as he is. He's not interested in doing ANYTHING to make it change. I am not sure he could change even if he wanted to. The amount of work he needs to do to get there is - nothing short of monumental. I guess he doesn't see it as worth while. And that too... is such a waste and so sad.

It's not me. It's him. His loss... utterly and totally.