Thirteen on Thursday

13 Reasons why I'm glad there's no snow on the ground .... yet

1 no window scrapping
2 no sweeping snow off the entire car before going anywhere
3 no need to go out before breakfast to warm the car up before getting into it to go to work
4 the coat, the scarf, the hat the double gloves, the extra pair of socks, and the boots
5 the really ugly, but warm boots... sorels... by any other name
6 frozen fingers
7 frozen toes
8 frost bite on the cheeks walking into the wind everyday after parking the car in the lot furthest away from the building ( hello? how much seniority do I need to get garage parking?)
9 black ice on the road
10 idiots who've never heard of black ice and side swipe or rear end you
11 the extra 30 minutes it takes to drive to work because of the snow and idiots having accidents
12 the kids who refuse to dress for the weather because they don't like looking "geeky" rather than being warm
13 Snow= time to start Christmas shopping, and I'm not ready to go there yet.

Are you?

Happy?

Happy - from Merriam Webster Online.

Pronunciation: 'ha-pE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): hap·pi·er; -est
Etymology: Middle English, from hap
1 : favoured by luck or fortune - a happy coincidence
2 : notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : a happy choice
3 a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment - is the happiest person I know happy childhood> b : expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness happy ending> c : Glad Pleased happy to meet you> d : having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship : Friendlyhappy office>
4 a : characterized by a dazed irresponsible state happy boxer> b : impulsively or obsessively quick to use or do something happy> c : enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession : obsessed happy --

It happened again! At the office Christmas party on Saturday evening. I went solo... well... actually I went with some of the other girls/men who didn't have/want dates. We sat at dinner together. I was having a wonderful time in spite of the fact that I haven't danced in stilletos in some time. I barely sat all night! Lots of men to dance with, and when they didn't want to dance, (hip hop - not big with the over 45 crowd apparently) the girls were doing the dance in the circle thing anyway... I found it difficult to stay off the dance floor. It was clear a good time was had by all!

At one point, I went to our table for a glass of ice water, and one of guys I've known since I started working at this place asked me... " so... Marie, what's the deal? Are you like still technically married or what?" So I am straight and honest... "I am more than technically married, I am plain married"

Then comes the obvious question "and you're here without your spouse because......?

I was straightforward back at him, " Because the spouse is not much fun at these kinds of events, and things are not great in that department. I am working on making significant changes in my life."

Then I hear it again, something I've been hearing a lot, and I am not sure what it means anymore. "well... if you're not *happy* then you're probably doing what's right"

Happy - and from the definition above, I would have to say it's the third point I am assuming people are talking about. Well-being and contentment. In many facets of my life I do have a good sense of well being and contentment, and in just one part- okay albeit fairly major part - not so good.

So is it really all about "happiness?"

It's what my former friend said to me when describing his latest-live-in ... "we're happy." I am sure he is... but it all sounds... so trite and shallow. It's also what he kept saying after his apologies and justifications for his behaviour as he signed off his dozens of emails to me. "I wish you happiness" Even my own sister-in-law, when learning of what was going on with me the last few years asked, "Are you happy?" It seemed like a shallow comment.

My life doesn't come close to being miserable. It could be far more satisfactory in the relationship department but unhappy? no.... I wouldn't say so. I have good health, as do my children. I have a roof over my head and a job that compensates me well. And in spite of the relationship problem, I have many friends who care about me and my well being, and I cherish them for what they give me. This is not a person who is not content or not in a state of well being.

Is it happiness that is the point? I am not *unhappy* because it's about so much more than contentment in living a good life isn't it? Perhaps it's my eastern rite Catholic living where I feel there is much more going on. Or perhaps I am digging too deep? perhaps rationalizing? or denying? HMMMMM.

I am enjoying a good time, a laugh, and a good life. What is at stake for anyone making decisions, is that there are too many factors that affect more than the individual. It has to be about more than being happy doesnt it?

Happy? I am fine! I am content - mostly. I am sure there are many who would argue with me after seeing me in my many states of depression, sadness, and outright bawling my eyes out three-box-tissue-style. But I am not an UN-happy person. Hey I can wear size 6 trousers - and the leather trousers I bought on my 30th birthday( pre babies!) still fit twenty years later, AND I can dance in stilletos all night long!

I am pretty *happy!*

The book writing thing

So... it would seem as much as I blah blah blah to any of my friends who listen to me without rolling their eyes, some have seemed to miss the point of the naked man with the pen in the side bar over there to the right of the blog stuff.

There is this movement... National Novel Writers Month. Write a novel in the month of November, or at least get it started, with the goal or writing 50,000 words by the end of November. That's the hard and fast deadline.

My friend Skupper pointed the site out to me, after listening to me go on and on about "the book," "the murder," "the series."

So... what the hell! I started writing on the old twenty pound laptop and am not sure I will make the 50K by Nov 30, but I am up to over 12K this evening. 12534 if we want accuracy! And I am having a lot of fun creating these characters and finally giving them some life.

On the other hand,this writing by the word has affected my day job. Word count is everything this month. Dickens lives! I am sending my offspring emails, and the blah blah is everywhere. Instead of my usual not-so-concise way, I've been adding words just to pad the damn messages.

Dearest darling offspring, how are you this lovely, gorgeous, sunny day in the city? As you may recall, we have to get you to the dentist for the checkup on your teeth. It's that time of year again. I will pick you up in my not so clean, but pretty red car, at exactly ten thirty o'clock. ...

you know what I am saying? Instead of the usual...

hey kid... don't forget dentist today. I'll get you at school 10:30 love,
yr mom!

I've been trying to write a strategic plan and a policy document - I keep invoking word count as I create thinking "how long is this?" And I remember.... oh yeah,.. it's not a novel. The deadline is the end of the week, and I am dealing with executives who don't have time to read anything more than a page long... double spaced in 14 pt font! The contrast is too much!

It's what my dear friend the published author of four well received murder mysteries calls the SFD- shitty first draft. And yeah... it's pretty bad... if I do say so myself. The editing process is gonna be a killer. And then... actually GIVING it to someone else to read?! I shake my head... not sure when I'll be ready for that step. I think I'd rather have another root canal. And if you read regularly, you know how I feel about THAT!

Killing people off in Fantasyland is great therapy. Figuring out HOW - not so great. It has to seem plausible, and yet... I don't want readers (if I ever have any) to guess the method. I have to befriend some cops... nothing like a good cop with lots of stories who is willing to share. At this stage, I'm not interested in men cops, women cops as friends who want to talk, are probably the better bet.

In the meantime, it would seem - and I am sorry for the men out there whom I do love and who are still my dear friends, but.... I seem to want to kill all the men in my stories, even the outlines for the other four books in the planned series... it's all about lying, no good, childish, self-centred, petulant, insensitive, jackass men! This isn't multiple choice either... It seems to be an all or nothing kind of thing here. Perhaps I DO need to talk to the counsellor about this?

Let me get this worked out of my system, and perhaps my ennuie will be done. Perhaps I will move on... maybe this seems to be cheaper than therapy - even with the health plan- and a whole lot more creative than snipping off the heads in the photos before they go into the scrapbooks.

And perhaps a little money in it too. Just what the world needs, another mystery writer with dreams of celebrity C list stardom running through her head! Watch for it, I am gonna be outta control!

Negativity

One has to ask what it was that turned the spouse and made him into such a negative being. I ask this today, because last night after I arrived home from the second root canal appointment - nothing like a shot of novocaine and adrenaline going straight from the vein to the heart… whoa… talk about a head rush - and at least… no charge – thank you very much- I did attempt to discuss with the spouse some educational facts I learned at work during a presentation from guest lecturers.

Spouse was very surprised that I was not as aware of the information as he thought I *should * be. Ok… history has never been of keen interest to me, but the work I do now and the travels I’ve had in historic Europe are creating some interest in learning more. Now that I don’t have to bother with essays and exams and the such history is a little more interesting.

At one point, as I was speaking, I was rudely interrupted, it happens all the time with the spouse, and I just didn’t think it was very nice. “You interrupted me, I wasn’t finished,” I said. “No I didn’t, I want to make a point,“ he retorts.

“Yeah Dad, you interrupted,” pipes up Tweeny, “you do it a lot actually,” she continues.

I don’t have to say anything, and he looks back at me, and says, “You’re always so negative. I don’t understand why you always have to be so negative!” ok… where did that come from?

Umm this rather stuns me, as I don’t like to believe I am a negative person. My cup is always at least half full - in all walks of my life; at work, my professional life, my personal life and whatever else I have going on, it has never been suggested to me in any way that I am a negative person. And believe me, you, friendly readers, who know me, and have been with me and around me and have kicked me in the pants when I needed it, but never because of my attitude.

I mean really, after being in sales for a few years, negativity is something that gets kicked out the door very quickly. There is no success in being negative, something I learned long ago.

Perhaps it is projection. Because he is feeling so negative about his own life: his status, his lack of friends, no professional recognition, no encouragement or love from his own family, his cynical nature as created an air of negativity around him. And so he attempts to project it on me. In the end I didn’t finish my anecdote about the fascinating things I learned at work yesterday, and he stomped off after I suggested that negativity was not a criticism I would accept.


And why else I would I still be where I am if I didn't think things could change... for the positive?!

Monday Madness

After last year's Christmas gift, half of which was good, the other half was..... completely thoughtless, I thought many of you might enjoy this piece of video from some angry woman somewhere... or did a man dream this up because I am not sure even I could wreak this kind of havoc!

Get ready for the holidays: I have taken my C's advise and told the spousal unit what I would like for Christmas this year, and I've asked spouse to share same with me. I'll take the offspring shopping and this will be their gifts for him. I would hope he'd do the same!

Aside from the Mustang GT, can't decide, silver or red, I really need an MP3 player and a digital camera. The completely manual Pentax analog is starting to make me scream. It takes fab photos, but when I mess up loading the film or getting the lighting wrong, it's bad! Lost two rolls of 36 in Calgary this summer.... don't know how it happens, but I don't often hear of people messing up their digi-cams! Perhaps my inability to measure distance in metric or the other way. I can't tell a yard from a foot from a metre. It's sad. This has an effect on my shots. An SLR digital would be REALLY nice... one of those $1800 Pentax jobs with changeable lenses... but I won't bet the farm on that! If he deigns to buy me a Canon Sure Shot at 5 mgpxls with a telephoto lens I should be content!
That and the usual assortment of scrap-booking paraphernalia should keep me easily happy.

Enjoy!

13 things almost as painful as a toothache!

In no particular painful order.....

1. Sticking a fork in your eye
2. Chewing glass
3. Bamboo under the finger nails
4. Eating liver & onions
5. Sticking your tongue on that frost fence in the winter time.
6. The sound of nails on a chalk board. (Does anyone do this
anymore?)
7. Natural childbirth
8. Scraping ice off car windows at 7:45 in the morning when the wind
is howling and it's only -15 below zero
9. Cleaning up after kids who've been upchucking hotdogs and kraft
dinner.(Oh? you didn't hear about the latest gastro thing?)
10. Stubbing your toe on the bed post in the middle of night as you
try to find your way back to bed after getting up for a glass of water
11.Hurling down the extremely high altitude, extremely steep water
slide at the West Edmonton Mall Water Park and praying your bathing suit
bottom doesn't rip right off your body from the pressure of smacking the
water!.
12. Burning your tongue on scalding hot water because you are afraid
to drink even a stupid low-alcohol beer because of all the extra
strength Advil forpain in your body
13. Two root canals in one week - the freezing not taking and four
needles to finally get numbed up! ( I blame the Advil!)

Hope all my faithful readers are having a pain free week!

OY!

Don't worry ... "the real me" will be back soon!

It's all so wicked!

The spouse was not impressed that I took the Tweeny to Toronto to see a play. Wicked! It WAS Wicked. Went with friends. We are now planning another foray for the late winter, early spring. Phantom returns. Tweeny loooooooves Phantom. The music anyway. She has seen the movie, a pale imitation, but is beside herself with the thought of being back in the big city for another round of theatre. She was sick most of day two so anticipated trip to persuade mother to give it up at Abercrombie & Fitch (AS IF) for the $95 sweat pants, didn't materialize. Can you see me roll my eyes!

Upon arrival home, I see as usual,the kitchen is not tidied up. I have come to low expectations on this front. Rebel has her friend over. She sleeps over again. I have told Rebel that at her age sleep overs are a done deal. Adults go home to sleep. They don't stay over with friends because they are afraid to go home in case they are alone.

I do not know how I insist on this. It is frustrating.

Rebel tells me she had a party while we were away. At the party her dad partied with the kids and "man did he get drunk!" Sigh....

I have left a message for said Rebel on the previous website indicating my displeasure and disgust, frankly with her baviour. I have no idea how that will play out. I would like her to go live elsewhere. Perhaps I will have my wish once the spouse and I agree on terms.

She is a difficult young woman who believes she has a sense of entitlement. Where does that come from? Hard work is anathema. It will be a tough day when she realizes her charm will only get her so far, and that she must accept responsibility for who she is and how she behaves instead of blaming all around her. It reminds me too much of her father, who twists to suit his needs as well. And he continues to indulge her rather than using the tough love approach. I do not understand his way of thinking on this. I do not understand why he continues to allow her to behave as she does towards all of us.

On another note... It's Grey Cup Sunday!

http://www.cflgreycup.ca/winnipeg/

Alouettes and Lions! And I am stuck in Finance Committee meetings all weekend. Televsion in the board room between oversight of the numbers! Bring on the munchies along with the calculators!

And for those going to the big game in Winnipeg... whether for fun or a gig - (-; bundle up!! Nothing like a Grey cup game in Winnipeg weather! GO ALS!

Counselling is hard work!

Spent my hour talking through the conversations I had with the spouse about the renovations and finishing work I had done. Interestingly, my C recommends much the same approaches and techniques used for divorce busting. (I really have to get all the links from my blogs lined up over there in that right hand column!)

Things like changing how I talk to him. Telling him what I need... not what I want. Perhaps my goals and objectives aren't what they were when I was into the DB thing - saving my marriage - but at least being civil and polite would go a long way.

The C also told me that escalating how we talk about the content is just not important, it's all about the tone. Don't escalate the you said, you did stuff. Tell him you don't like his tone. It's been a vicious circle that needs to stop.

The spouse has been so angry that he decided to not sleep in our room. C asked me how I felt about that. Honestly, I don't care. I have the bed to myself and I am quite comfortable. Like Diane Keaton in As Good As It Gets she sleeps in the middle of the bed!

Surprisingly, he's sneaky about it, because I don't think the kids have figured out he's not in our room The reality is, it has not been our room in a long time. He took all his clothes out ages ago. He keeps the drawer stuff, socks, underwear etc, in boxes in the basement, and hangs in shirts and pants on a rack in the laundry room. I asked about that years ago, and he gave some answer about me taking up all the space. Weeelllll he had his own chest of drawers for stuff, and I kept more than half my stuff in the spare room closet. So.. this was an excuse. It's weird.

She also told me to stop taking responsibility for his behaviour when we were out, or when people were over. Those of you who know, know how off putting and unfriendly he can be when you pop in to say hi. It's frighteningly rude some days. Don't take it on she said. I won't talk to HIM like a child either, because my own tone can be just as negative. Why even bother!

So... I'll stop. No more content shit. And I'll watch my own tone. This is helpful when dealing with children - even the rebel teen children! It probably won't change much, but it should keep my stress levels down to near normal if I let it go.

Thirteen things (and a little more) in a Christmas Fruitcake

This makes a 16 pound cake! I have revised the quantities. I expect
no more than a four pound cake! Maybe a little more!

In combing the variations, I chose a combination of Grandma's wedding
cake recipe and mom's 1985 cake which appears to be the classic edition!
Notes from Uncle Don, moms brother - another fruitcake afficionado also
helped!

1. Butter
2. Brown Sugar
3. Flour
4. Eggs
5. Grape jelly ( who knew!)
6. Baking soda and salt
7. Cinnamon, cloves, allspice and nutmeg
8. Sultana raisins, currants and dates
9. Mixed candied citrus peel
10. Candied cherries, red and/or green
11. Nuts - walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts
12. Brandy
13. Lamb's Navy Rum... LOTS of it!

Soak the fruit, soak the finished cake. Infuse with alcohol. Send me
your address if you like, you'll receive a little package a week before
Christmas. I promise.

Next up Mom's secret Nuts & Bolts snack
and
more anti pasto!

Counselling this evening. Shall see what grilling I get over the
spouse's fury on the renos, and the girls' finding of the blog! One hour
won't be near enough!

Christmas Cake & a Birthday.

When I was at the liquor store yesterday buying the usual multiple bottles of pino grigio ( without suphites!) I noticed the Lamb's Dark Navy Rum. It's time to start the Christmas fruit cake!

This year I am going to attempt to make Christmas cake. You know the kind. Fruit cake absolutely drenched in rum. I mean so completely soaked absorbed in rum no one underage should touch it. My mom used to make it every year. She usually started on her birthday. That's today. Mom died four years ago and we haven't had fruit cake in as many years.

Here's the funny thing though. The Christmas after mom died, I checked in her special cookbook, the one she had since she was married. It contains her hand written notes for many of her favourite recipes that became the family favourites. I flipped the delicate pages - many of them going back to the early 1960s, and found Christmas cake! Christmas cake 1975, Christmas cake 1979, Christmas cake 1982, and on and on until the late 1990s! Each year, a variation on an original recipe that was never found! Well... which was was the GOOD ONE!? I was so heart broken because I couldn't figure out from mom's notes which version in which year she liked best!

There was no evaluation to know which cake everyone loved. I couldn't bake the cake that year.

For the next few years I looked in the pages but couldn't cope with the endless variations. Today, in honour of my mom's birthday, I am going to study all the variations and make a small cake. I am not about to mail Christmas cake to my brothers - although perhaps I should to continue that tradition too! I really love a nice boozy slice of Christmas cake with a cup of tea when I read in bed at night. I usually eat cake til well past the Lenten season has begun! It won't be nearly as good as what my mom used to make, but I want to give it a shot.

Every now and again, I wonder what my mom would tell me - what advice she would give me about the frustrations and pain I have had in my marriage. I can bet she would start by telling me, "well that's what you get for NOT marrying a nice Ukrainian Catholic boy! He won't ever understand what you're about!" Can you see the eyes rolling! I dated nothing but... until I left home for grad school. They were no prizes either! But I am also thinking she would understand and help me get through this. I am pretty sure she would take on the spouse if I needed her to. Her grandchildren were always her pride and joy, and I expect that if nothing else it would be that that would be uppermost in any of the decision making.

Tonight I will start the Christmas cake. Dark, heavy, full of candied cherries and dates, and a whole lotta rum!

Happy Birthday Mom.
I love you and I miss you every day!

Call your mom. Get the right recipe!

It's really not the money

It's Halloween. I am late getting home. Tweeny is beside herself because her friends aren't being very nice. She fixes that problem some how after some small amount of hysteria.

I look at the window... no jack-o-latnern.
Me to spoouse - "Where's the jack o lantern I bought at work at the fundraising auction?"
Spouse: "I don't know. You bought the pumpkin, you're in charge."
Me "What? Did I hear you correctly? I bought the pumpkin so I am in charge?"
Spouse" I usually get the pumpkin. You bought it you do what needs to be done."
Me "I just walked in the door, I haven't had supper, and Tweeny has been upset. Is there something that offends you about the pumpkin that you can put it on display?'
Spouse " You bought it, you deal with it"

And he pours himself a drink and disappears into the basement.

The renovations.

Why did you do this? He asks He is furious. I expected that.

The window has been broken since March. The hall has had lightbulbs hnaging from the ceiling since last June. I really didn't think you were interested in finishing the work.

I wanted to replace the entire window. We can't afford a new window.

Well then, wouldn't replacing the glass make sense? The insurance will cover it.

Oh so we pay twice then. And the guy did a shitty job installing it.

At this point Rebel Teen walks in. WOW! Finally we don't look like a trailer trash house any more. Cool. Very neat lights mom! This is what all the new condos in Calgary have. I like this.

I look over at the spousal unit - he says nothing - for minute.

Then he starts in on;

how I don't help him, (when I do - it's not good enough, fast enough or perfect enough)
how I did everything without discussing with him (yes because if I had discussed he would have said no, and I'd still be waiting for anything to happen. He wouldn't do it even though there is no cash involved in most of what needed to get done. )
On money- well, paint fix ups in bathrooms - no cost
Light fixtures - already purchase... MONTHS ago sitting collecting dust on his worktable- and absorbed into cash flow
switches and changes to door bell... less than $100!

I got very angry and unfortunately when I get angry I cry! So... I bit down on my lip, and instead of crying - all I said in a very quiet voice was:

This is not about money. This is about you making choices about what you feel like doing and not what needs to be done! I have tried giving you a list. I have tried asking when, I have tried handing you money. None of it worked. You just don't feel like doing the work and so you don't.

I have decided that that means I have to do it because you don't want to. So perhaps it isn't up to your standards, and that's too bad. You're the only one who will notice.

As for money, let's remember that that the renovations were started and nearly completed with money I inherited from my mother's estate.

And.... as you heard dear spouse, our children have been too embarrassed to have their friends over here because of how things looked. That is telling! If nothing else... THAT alone should have have made him move.

It was the turning of things to make me look as if I didn't want to do anything or help the Master Contractor that I found most frustrating. Why all of a sudden am I not only expected to cook meals, clean the house, take care of the kids stuff hold down a job, deal with the garden and yard and now I am supposed to be right hand apprentice too?

I do NOT think so!

So when he asked if I had other plans, I gave him the list! Verbally - all of it needing to be done and costs time, but not money. He knows where I stand. He also knows I am not bluffing.

l

No Wonder I am so tired!

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well...it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration: Click on the image... I can't see any other way of doing this!

Phriday Philosophy

I know... pretty bad piece of a title...but I've had this sitting around for some time now, and figured it's time to use it.

"Men are like trains.They are going somewhere.Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train. You cannot change a man's direction to yours without losing trust in his capacity to navigate."
--From "Dear Lover," a book by David Deida

OK... so what does mean for someone like me? I've always had to navigate. It seems without my map, we have ended up at a dead end... or worse... I believe he's headed over a cliff.

The Rebel Teen asked me this morning as I drove her to school if her father had a drinking problem. She noticed she said, a whiskey kind of smell around him. She says that her sister the Tweeny also said something to her. Talk about being de-railed!

Losing trust? Whose? His or mine? Hmmmm

I need to address my own procrastination. The train is going and coming to that proverbial fork in the road. I have the road map, just not feeling quite as confident as I must to take the turn. I don't think his choosing the path is a unilateral decision is it? Because where that road goes.... not at all a comfortable ride at all. We're talking milk run rather than express.

The time is near for me to choose. The holidays are nearly upon us, and I did say last Christmas, (go back and read those posts) that I won't have another day like the last. Shall move forward and need the plan in place as the holly jolly time of year comes closer!

And... as I sit here and create... the electrician has installed the hall lighting, both upstairs and down, changed half the switches, put in dimmers, and a new doorbell!

The window is replaced! Wow... clear and clean! We're lookin like first class finally rather than economy! Wait oh wait for the negative - take money on it - reaction of the spousal unit!