Thursday Thirteen

13 random things

1. wisdom teeth are not wise at all. Rebel's other two teeth have to come out. The dental surgeon who took out the first two is doing the last two. His wife was the nurse who took care of Rebel right after her transplant surgery. We've come full circle.

2. My number one right hand at work has taken a new job. It's going to take months to replace her. I'll be doing two jobs. I am going into training as of now.

3. More money from the government - a cash back of $1300 for renovations. That will pay for 1 1/2 steel doors for my house.

4. I only get the newspaper delivered on weekends. I don't have time to read it during the week. They keep giving us 6 weeks of free paper. It goes in the door to the recycle bin. I have a news feed at work and am not interested at the end of the day. I called and told them to stop giving me the paper. Why are they surprised?

5. I have no clue what to make for dinner tonight? Reservations?

6. Must pack tonight for the trip to the big city. Rebel wants me to leave my car with her and the BF. AS IF!

7. Must remember to take all my board documents with me on the trip. I haven't read anything - but have finished preparing all my own docs for the Board.

8. Get batteries for the camera. Battery charger still AWOL!

9. Why does a 50 year old woman have acne like a 16 year old. That's just wrong.

10. Am I the only person not interested in seeing the Curious Case of Benjamin Button?

11. Why is the SU surprised to learn that I have been disappointed at not getting birthday cakes and Mother Day special treatment?

12. Figure out the Itunes thingy on the cell phone. Right after I figure out the email on the cell phone.

13. Is it 5:00 PM somewhere? I am ready for a wee nip of something!

Word{less} Wednesday.

Sorting Out the Obvious.

I have reviewed the separation agreement and found a few errors - slight mistakes - and I expect this to be fixed quite easily. It shouldn't take long now - except this week - my week at work is hellish and I am heading out of town on professional association meetings starting Friday - so I don't really have a lot of time to spend on the phone with the mediator. I'm looking forward to the weekend away to the big city! I have chatted with friends and colleagues so between meetings - there will be some R&R.

Rebel was to have a biopsy this last week, but her cardiologist was sick and then on the re-scheduled date Rebel had a bad head ache. These things all had to be re scheduled again. I know this separation stuff has to get done but I am so busy with trying to keep other things together that SU and his need for things to get done just send me screaming from the room.

RebelJunior had her annual medical check up months ago now, and SU was supposed to have arranged for RJ's gardasil shots. It's three shots a month apart. We had to buy the vaccine and get reimbursed by our plans. The vaccine is still in the fridge. It's a simple thing. The doc is nearer to the high school than to me so it makes sense for SU to take her. Three quick trips. Not done yet. I purposely told him it was on him - apparently he can't cope. I knew this would be the case, so I will get this sorted out this week as well.

On the other hand, we're so close to finishing all this separation crap that I am at the point where I want it done. I have an eco audit planned for the house. There are both federal and provincial cash incentives to get energy audits done - I can find the drafts without someone telling me they're there it's so obvious. When you bring in the pros - they note all the improvements you can make and it is usually a given that there will be money back. In the long run it's worth it as it will save on heating and cooling bills. And maybe with foam insulation added in and some other things, the mice might not be back next year.... or I'll have to sell the house! I figure I'll take a day off and get it done during the week while SU is at work. A vacation day sounds like a good idea any time.

The last three Saturdays SU has disappeared first thing in the morning and not returned til late in the day. It's rather rude actually. I figured he was off at someone's house doing carpentry work and I was right. However, the man doesn't own a cell phone and anything can happen. In fact his father did call and all I could say was I have no idea. I'm sorry I don't know. What EvEr. Interestingly, I don't think he gets he still has to stay on contact with me even after we separate. Probably more than he does now.

13 Steps to a separation agreement - Part 2

(please God, let there not be 13 parts!)


Dear SU and Marie,

Please find attached the first draft of your separation agreement- all 27 pages of legalese and resume of our 3 hour mediation sessions. The draft reflects the terms discussed in mediation and summarized in the summary sent to you earlier.



1).As set out in the summary, SU will transfer his interest in the home to Marie. Marie will assume the existing mortgage and pay SU in a final equalization payment.



2)You each keep all of your other assets free from claim from the other (e.g. RRSP’s, pensions, non registered savings, cars) and you are each solely responsible for paying your own debts. The only further division, which is mandated by law, is that either of you can apply for a division of Canada Pension Credits (we’ll discuss this more when we review the agreement).



In terms of next steps:

3) Please review the attached 27 page draft agreement and spreadsheet vol.1 individually. Make notes of your comments, questions, corrections, things you feel may have been overlooked,



4) If you both feel comfortable doing so you may share your comments with each other.



5) Once you’ve completed step (1), contact me so I can arrange either a face to face meeting or a 3 way telephone call for the three of us to review the draft agreement,



6) During the review, I will go over the draft agreement, answer questions etc. and if issues of difference arise between you we will work them through,



7) I will make necessary changes to the attached draft agreement and produce a second draft called “V2,”



8) The amended second draft agreement will be sent to your lawyers together with the back up financial documentation you each provided to me. At this point you will book a time to meet with them and review the draft agreement (V2),



9) Your lawyers will review the draft agreement with you (V2) and may discuss changes they would like to see on your behalf. Only the changes you ultimately agree to will be communicated to me. Usually the lawyers communicate their changes by email to me copying the other lawyer,



10) If the changes requested by your lawyers are substantive (meaning they substantially change the nature of the existing agreement) and the other person disagrees with the requested change, then we may need to meet again to work through the differences,



11) We would work through any issues, I would make necessary changes to the draft agreement. I would prepare the final agreement which would be sent to your lawyers by email. They would print it out and you would meet with your lawyers to sign the Agreement Marie will also need to have her lawyer prepare the documents necessary to transfer the home into her name. (I will explain this process in more detail when we speak).



12) For now, the immediate next step is to review the attached draft agreement (V1) and the spreadsheet (January 6, 2009) and let me know when you are ready to meet in person or have a telephone meeting.



13) My assistant will prepare an account for mediation services rendered to date including preparation of the draft agreement. You should receive your account in the next couple of weeks. The cost of the draft separation agreement includes up to one hour of review and/or revisions.



If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

Best regards,

Mediator

Wordless Wednesday.

It's Just Not Pretty.

I am worrying about money these days. I had another $500 cell phone bill from the provider and I've been dealing with credit cards because I am still not working on full salary and the SU is not sharing. The cell phone provider Rogers, is dealt with. They messed up. I told them they have no more chances left. None. Any small screw up and I walk.

I've become very assertive with the girls and have told them straight up that if they need anything they need to go to their dad.

I will be living on the half the income and all the expenses. And the thing is... I have a decent income anyway and my house is not out of my range. However, I currently don't have any car payments - and will need a new car. I will be adding to what I pay for once the SU is out of the house.

It's one more thing that makes me angry when I think of what SU is doing to me and his girls. Though frankly, the girls will have two places to go for whatever they need it's just not the same.

I have another appointment with my financial divorce specialist this week to start the plan. I don't want to hear bye bye nail fills, gym membership, cell phone, PVR tv, hair colour and cuts. Ain't gonna happen!

And frankly I shouldn't complain or whine. When I think of people I know who lived on far less ending up at food banks after break ups and worse, I am in no position to whine. A change of status though, marital or financial has an impact. I am losing and the girls are losing.
It's not pretty and you don't even realize it until you get into the details.

War profiteering

The spoils of divorce are found on the real estate market, tagged with For Sale signs. Is it bad karma to make a low-ball offer when a warring couple is desperate to sell their house?

Joanne Latimer
Citizen Special

Saturday, January 17, 2009



Divorce may be a personal tragedy, but it was the best thing that happened to real estate.

'Happy couples move up and unhappy couples move out';
Pamela Cyr Montreal Realtor
Photograph by : I-Stock.Com and Dennis Leung,
The Ottawa Citizen

"In the 1970s and 1980s, it created a new demographic of middle-aged people who were on the move," noted seasoned Montreal realtor Pamela Cyr, my agent and trusted confidant. "Women entered the workforce, which changed everything. They had their own income and they didn't stay in bad marriages.

It's rare to find couples who stay in the original marital home for 30 years anymore. Happy couples move up and unhappy couples move out."

After 25 years in the business, Cyr has seen affairs of the heart -- both sweet and sour -- create unexpected opportunities in real estate.

Divorce is the wild card, as is passionate love. When marriages go down in flames, the house goes on the market and prices are sometimes slashed. Tears are shed, hearts mend and the cycle starts again.

The cycle revs high after the holidays, when many unhappy couples throw in the towel.

The stress of acting civilized in front of house guests creates a perfect storm for bad marriages. All hell breaks lose after Christmas, notes well-known Montreal divorce lawyer Andrew Heft.

"Starting around Jan. 5, we get a lot of calls. It happens every year.

"The holidays are like a pressure cooker. When they're over, the lid blows off. That's when the assets, like the house, become an issue."

The love-torn nature of real estate was abstract to me until I bought my first home with my (first) husband. We found a starter condo for sale and made a bid.

Tossing and turning in bed that night, I disturbed my husband by reviewing the moral aspects of the situation: We knew the seller had fallen madly in love and bought an expensive home, so his motivation to sell was high. We knew he couldn't afford to carry two mortgages any longer. Was it wrong to take advantage of the situation with a low-ball offer?

Not according to the seller. Philippe Daviet, known as the vendor in these transactions, was thrilled to unload his first house -- even at $44,000 less than the original asking price.

"I had bought it nine years ago with my first wife, so it had some bad memories," explains Daviet, a software executive. "It was time to make new memories with my girlfriend, Estelle, in a bigger home.

"We found the perfect home near the Atwater Market and made an offer, waiving the conditional clause to sell the first property.

"I had to mortgage the first house to make the down payment on the bigger home. That left me with $50 in my pocket each week, for three months. I was so relieved to sell!"

Guilt fully assuaged, I slept soundly.

Cynthia Taylor has a different perspective on low real estate offers. The sale of her home in Lindenlea wasn't so joyous. "I got hosed," declares the marketing consultant. "I got hosed because I was divorcing. We should've fought for the full value of our house, but there was no working 'we' at that time and our agent was double-ending in a questionable fashion.

"We found out a few years later that our agent told the buyers that we didn't do any of the upgrades in the home, so we didn't get a dime over our original buying price, after living there five years."

Taylor and her ex-husband wanted $10,000 more, but they also wanted closure on the relationship.

"To hold out for a better counter offer, you need a capacity to play hardball at a time when you're emotionally bruised," she says. "Holding out for a better offer means more contact with your ex. We didn't have an ugly divorce, which is why I'm letting you print my last name, but we both just wanted out."

The house in question was unoccupied at the time of the sale. Both Taylor and her ex-husband were living elsewhere, outside Ottawa, occasionally using the home as a pied-à-terre.

"That's the worse thing you can do. Buyers and their agents smell the vulnerability," says Taylor.

"The house needs to look like a loving, happy environment. There need to be clothes in the closets and mail on the table," says Edmonton-based realtor and blogger Sheldon Johnson.

"Nothing says 'make me a lower offer' more than photos with some of the faces cut out. Nothing screams 'divorce' more than lawn chairs in the kitchen and a mid-life crisis car in the driveway."

If the sellers are coached properly, Johnson claims, they won't get low offers because their homes will be properly staged (Observe all those television shows on HGTV). Putting on a brave face can save you thousands of dollars.

"Clients selling a home in the middle of a divorce need a professional to coach them to act rationally," adds Johnson.

"You can't have a tempter tantrum and destroy everything you worked for. When buyers come to look at your property, they aren't just buying sticks and bricks; they're buying a home. They buy emotionally, and they don't want a stigmatized property. A house that looks like the cold battlefield of a divorce also signals the opportunity to low ball."

Nancy, 47, isn't giving buyers the chance. This Montreal-based scriptwriter who didn't want her last name used, is embroiled in a 21/2-year legal battle with her ex-boyfriend over the value of their home in downtown Montreal.

The real estate market is so precarious right now that she's afraid to put the house up for sale. Instead, she's trying to buy out her ex.

"It's no accident that my marriage broke down during a kitchen renovation," says Nancy, who requested anonymity to protect her two school-aged children.

"Our emotional problems are embedded in the house. Renovations test a couple's communication and we didn't survive. I knew he didn't want the new kitchen, but he OK'd the renovations to hide his affair. Instead of a new kitchen, he really wanted a sports car instead. I should've seen the red flag!"

Heartache can play havoc with people's decision-making abilities.

D.M., an editor at a film titling company, was so eager to split with his ex-girlfriend that he abandoned his stake in their home out of guilt for ending the relationship.

"I wasn't being magnanimous," says D.M., who wanted to conceal his full name to spare his ex's feelings. "For me, the house represented misery. We bought a cheap place at the dilapidated end of Dalhousie for $165,000, but there was a $1,500 emergency every month and I got laid off my job. We were there for two years, but I felt worse and worse about being in the house with her. When I finally announced I was leaving, she offered to return my part of the down payment, but I just wanted out. I gave her the washer and dryer, too."

Would he buy again?

"In a heartbeat -- with the right girl and enough cash," says D.M.

There it is again -- that love cycle. The cupid factor is equally strong when it comes to shaking up the real estate market.

"Love is one of the top reasons people buy real estate and marriage is a fantastic excuse to spend money on a home," says Montreal realtor and HGTV personality Tatiana Londono.

"But love is just as dangerous as divorce. It can cloud people's judgment just as much," says Londono.

"When people are in love and emotionally attached to the idea of buying a home and starting a life together, they will often want to buy something overpriced that they can't afford. Or, they'll want to buy beside a railway track or something too small or in a crappy neighbourhood. They need to be gently coaxed into acting rationally."

Joanne Latimer is a freelance writer and new homeowner.
© The Ottawa Citizen 2009

It Needs to Happen.

I've re read the separation agreement about a dozen times now. And I've reviewed the financial information tables another dozen times. And this is what the end of a marriage looks like. Comes down to the business of money and who owns what and who gets what. How sad. But it is done.

My concern now and has been sitting there at the top of my head. How do we tell the girls? Sure they are old enough and probably have it all figured out anyway, but it does have an effect.

I am almost adamant that I want SU to be the bearer of the news. This was never something I wanted. I am resigned to it. I want him to say I want the divorce. I am leaving the house. I do NOT want to say things like We decided it was best. We are separating. We we we... There was never any *we* about this. It was SU driving this train all the time. I want him owning up to breaking up his family.

Do I still love the jerk? Because I have to think about it the answer is no. Even if he decided to head for counseling tomorrow I am still done. But what he has done and will continue to do is upsetting. And I resent it. I know I do. Interestingly a wise woman told me that resentment is the feeling one feels when one isn't loved or appreciated.

So I am learning to get over the feeling of not being loved by the one I counted on and giving up that resentment and working on forgiveness instead. It ain't easy. But in order to move on and find my Keanu Reeves, it needs to happen.

Regardless of what the girls believe or know families splitting up isn't easy on anyone. I've read the research the reports on the effects of divorce on children, even grown adult children have issues. They may consider counseling and they may not. RebelJunior is so like her dad in temperament I worry about her burying her feelings and ending up in her own strange bubble. Rebel - the oldest - hard to tell. Though she was the one who did find my initial blog and knew how I felt "back in the day."

Having said all this, the words will come. We'll figure it out and becoming a new kind of family - without resentment and full of love in a better way.

That and a new rec room with a big ass television and entertainment centre will help me help them feel the love!

Thursday Thirteen

13 Steps to a separation agreement.
(with my comments in brackets!)

Dear Marie and SU :

Thank you for meeting with me this week. . This e-mail will provide a brief summary of your discussions.

Parenting

1. It is anticipated that Rebel will remain living with Marie and Rebel Junior will reside equally with both of you. Given the children's ages you agree that their wishes regarding the weekly schedule and sharing of holidays will be respected. (key word.... respected)

2. You agree however that you want some structure in a parenting schedule and you will share common boundaries and household rules.(this would be a first!)

Child Support

3. Your incomes are relatively equal and you therefore agreed that you would equally share expenses for the children including post secondary education costs, dance (including classes, trips and costumes) clothes and special expenses, such as RJ's upcoming trip and both girls' driver's education.

4. Neither party will incur an expense for the children for which they expect reimbursement from the other parent unless that parent agrees to participate in the expense in advance of the expense being incurred.(agrees... so.... I guess if he wants to purchase another $700 camera I can say no and it would have teeth!)

5. With respect to clothing you will exchange information about what is needed by the children and mutually agree to a budget.

6. You have money earmarked for post secondary education. (you would be ME!)

Property Settlement

7. As part of the overall property settlement Marie will purchase SU's interest in the matrimonial home. Marie will assume or refinance the existing mortgage into her name alone. (yep I will! hello carpenter contractor guy?!)

8. Each of you will keep the assets registered in your individual names except you will transfer ownership of the cars.

9. Marie will pay SU a full and final settlement. The payment will be made to SU once a final separation agreement is signed and the legal paperwork has been completed to transfer the home and mortgage into Marie's name.

10. I have attached a copy of the spreadsheet we reviewed together in mediation setting out your property settlement.(now there's a lot of blah blah blah! but that's where the numbers told the story!)

Spousal Support

11. There is no spousal support payable. The agreement will reflect that each of you forever releases your right to make a claim for spousal support against the other. ( pretty forever final eh?)

Next Steps

12. I will prepare a draft separation agreement for your review and comment and send it to you by email within the next two weeks. I will then arrange a three way conference call to review the agreement with you and answer your questions and make any changes, corrections necessary.

13. After we complete our review and I make the necessary changes to the draft agreement I will send the revised draft agreement to your lawyers for their review with you. There may be further changes to the agreement resulting from your lawyers' recommendations, if so, those changes will be made and a final draft will be sent to your lawyers for signing by you. (NOTHING like a lawyer reviewing another lawyer's work... this should be the fun part!)



BONUS!

Normally we send clients an account, including the fee for the draft agreement, and receive payment in advance of my sending the draft agreement to the clients. My admin person is on vacation this week so preparation of the account will be delayed. I will not hold up on the drafting of the agreement. (how generous.... for a lawyer!)

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.(done that - so really - I don't owe him * a thing* except for 50% of the house revenue?)

Best regards,

THE MEDIATOR ,

Mediator & Collaborative Lawyer

Wordless Wednesday.

57 Minutes: The Beginning of the End.

The final mediation session was a mere 57 minutes long. I am sure we could have done it in 30 minutes but I think once a lawyer always a lawyer. Something about getting those billable hours regardless of whether or not it is mediation. If it quacks like a duck and walks like duck.... then ....

I now wait for the separation agreement which is sent to both our lawyers for review. The mediator says about 2-3 weeks.

I went out for supper last night with a friend who went through a year of too-ing and fro-ing before she got a decent agreement. "Three hours in total and you're done? That's unheard of! How do you mediate an entire 25 year relationship in three hours?!"

I credit the work I've been doing with Trish Wall for this success in mediation. Teaching Self Mastery

I went in with a particular mindset- visualizing what I was afraid of and how I needed to let go of my fears and beliefs.re: programme my brain and just go with the entire process. I came out of it with exactly what I wanted - my house at 20K below market value- and no real sticking points yet on how to extricate from the relationship.

As I told Trish, I didn't have to say much during the sessions - a rare phenomenon where I am usually concerned, and I got what I needed. Changing my thinking and beliefs made the difference. I couldn't make this work to help fix the relationship work but perhaps in time I'll be able to at least look at the SU without the negative feelings I still carry because of how I believe he has treated me. These negative feelings are more a reflection of my beliefs and attitudes than anything the SU has said or done. Letting go of that will most certainly help me going forward. The last thing I want in my life is an SU of a similar nature.

During the session the mediator asked SU when he planned to leave the home. His response was "given Marie dropped the bombshell of wanting the house, I've not had time to get a real estate agent or even start looking for something?" right. seriously.

Bombshell? A bombshell is when you're told by your spousal unit that there is a fantasy girlfriend, not that your soon to be X wants you out of the house. roll eyes.

Hello? SU was told Dec 9th to get out.. for the entire month - he did.. ummm nothing. seriously he did nothing. this isn't a rant... yet... it's the facts Jack!

I now think... if he wants to stay in the house for another month or two - Big Deal. it will get me to nearly the end of snow shoveling season and I won't have to hire a company to throw snow off my drive way. We'll move right to lawn cutting services! LOL

It is the beginning of the end.

Thursday Thirteen.

13 things going on
in my head and body
going to the mediation finish line.

1. trepidation
2. anxiety
3. worry
4. breathing
5. Can we please be on time?
6. you're an idiot
7. okay... don't say anything
8. this isn't looking too bad
9. oh pul----eeeese
10. lady... just cuz you're being paid by the hour doesn't mean we have to stretch this out
11. 5 copies of a document- your lawyer ,your lawyer, you, you and me.
12. you go first, no you go first, no you go first
13. done? already? We're done. 57 minutes. relief for now.

Wordless Wednesday.

Tuesday January 6 - Mediation Day Number 2.

The expensive session should take a couple of hours and be all wrapped up apparently. Then I get to find out when the SU plans to move out, how he plans to tell our daughters about his need to break up his family and leave and then 30 seconds after he's gone I expect my new carpenter to start measuring for a re done rec room in the basement.

As with the last time, I am heading over to a friend's afterwards. This friend has a genuine jackass for a soon-to-be-XSU. Makes my soon-to-be-XSU look like a prince among men. She has a deposition in court in the morning to counter all the claims her X is making about her suitability as a mother. This from a man who told his son that because he purposely changed his hockey team the kid had to live with him full time in order to play hockey. No living with mom allowed. sigh... This man will burn in hell. he is currently living with a woman who teaches in the Catholic School Board. I don't know but in most Catholic school districts - co habitation with out the sacrament of marriage was grounds for firing. I don't know but keeping a child from his mother strikes me as less than Christian, never mind Catholic... but I digress and rant on someone else's behalf.

We will have a few drinks together and both decompress from our adventures of the day.

I believe I am ready for this.

I am vindicated!

When the entire divorce process was starting a mediator had to be chosen. Readers may recall how my choice was spurned by the SU and/or his lawyer. Well, lo and behold this weekend in our little community paper guess who was "featured" as a specialist and divorce mediator? Of course he was, the spurned mediator, the one the SU's lawyer claimed didn't have "experience." The mediator I spoke with first hoping to use him based on a friend's recommendation. Oddly enough he has enough "experience" to be asked by the newspaper why so many couples divorce after Christmas. He has enough experience that the newspapers are using him as their local specialist on mediation and separation. The SU's lawyer claimed his knowledge of financial issues wasn't deep enough. The guy not handles divorces but company and financial disputes. Has anyone suggested that some lawyers are idiots?

Not only that his rates haven't gone up with his fame either. Still the same as they were when he and spoke last year. His office is about ten minutes from my house, free parking and hours that are flexible. That and a better website than the one my mediator has too.

I have resisted the urge to show SU the article and tell him his lawyer is an idiot. But really, why help the man ruin his own life. He's doing just fine without me.

She drops the paper on the table, smiles, rolls her eyes and leaves the room.

Disassociating Himself.

For some reason New Year's Eve 1999 is sticking in my head these days. I think I know why, but what the heck. Remember 1999? Millennium madness. The talk was all about where the big parties were going to be, how the turn of the century parties were going to be memorable. A bunch of us moms at Ukrainian camp had been discussing it and we were wanting the turn of the century to be memorable for our kids rather than for ourselves. Because really, it's our kids talking to their grandchildren who will best be able to relate what it was like at the millennium. We decided to host a big dress up family party at out church. We had pot luck appetizers, one guy had a whole DJ outfit glitter ball included, he took lots of music requests ahead of time. We decorated the hall and had a nice sized group to ring in the New Year. We even made a little photo stage area with a 2000 date on it for family pictures.

My girls were beside themselves. Rebel was 12 years old and Rebel Junior was 7 years old. We went shopping for party dresses. Rebel picked out a long ball gown type skirt. She loved that skirt. I had my hair done - the manicure the whole thing. We were really looking forward to a great party.

The entire time, SU didn't get involved really. It would be nearly a year before the SU dropped the bomb so I figured it was marriage as usual. But upon looking back now he was just going through the motions. He didn't volunteer to help, or really participate much. His daughters wanted to dance with him - and he tried to say no! I look at this now in hindsight and smack myself on the forehead knowingly, but at the time... I just thought he was behaving oddly. I have the pictures in my head still from that evening. He finally did dance with both girls - but only after another dad said to him, "go dance with your girls, because there will come a time where they'll want to dance with anyone but dad!" The smiles, the joy, we were having a good time.

And then it was midnight. I looked around me as all the husbands kissing their wives, their kids, and wondered what was wrong. I couldn't place it. I can still see all the kids going around kissing and hugging each other. They truly did have a wonderful time. The kiss I got on the biggest night of all of our lives was disappointing. It wasn't the kiss of a man with his family who loved his wife or even cared. The intimate moment was missing. And it has been ever since. At the time of course, I didn't realize it. The girls still talk about that party. As do all the kids who were there. I smile when I look back and I have a couple of pictures. Even in the pictures I can see SU disassociate himself. His loss. I really get that.