Disassociating Himself.

For some reason New Year's Eve 1999 is sticking in my head these days. I think I know why, but what the heck. Remember 1999? Millennium madness. The talk was all about where the big parties were going to be, how the turn of the century parties were going to be memorable. A bunch of us moms at Ukrainian camp had been discussing it and we were wanting the turn of the century to be memorable for our kids rather than for ourselves. Because really, it's our kids talking to their grandchildren who will best be able to relate what it was like at the millennium. We decided to host a big dress up family party at out church. We had pot luck appetizers, one guy had a whole DJ outfit glitter ball included, he took lots of music requests ahead of time. We decorated the hall and had a nice sized group to ring in the New Year. We even made a little photo stage area with a 2000 date on it for family pictures.

My girls were beside themselves. Rebel was 12 years old and Rebel Junior was 7 years old. We went shopping for party dresses. Rebel picked out a long ball gown type skirt. She loved that skirt. I had my hair done - the manicure the whole thing. We were really looking forward to a great party.

The entire time, SU didn't get involved really. It would be nearly a year before the SU dropped the bomb so I figured it was marriage as usual. But upon looking back now he was just going through the motions. He didn't volunteer to help, or really participate much. His daughters wanted to dance with him - and he tried to say no! I look at this now in hindsight and smack myself on the forehead knowingly, but at the time... I just thought he was behaving oddly. I have the pictures in my head still from that evening. He finally did dance with both girls - but only after another dad said to him, "go dance with your girls, because there will come a time where they'll want to dance with anyone but dad!" The smiles, the joy, we were having a good time.

And then it was midnight. I looked around me as all the husbands kissing their wives, their kids, and wondered what was wrong. I couldn't place it. I can still see all the kids going around kissing and hugging each other. They truly did have a wonderful time. The kiss I got on the biggest night of all of our lives was disappointing. It wasn't the kiss of a man with his family who loved his wife or even cared. The intimate moment was missing. And it has been ever since. At the time of course, I didn't realize it. The girls still talk about that party. As do all the kids who were there. I smile when I look back and I have a couple of pictures. Even in the pictures I can see SU disassociate himself. His loss. I really get that.