For my dear friend and person without whom I could not blog! Happy Birthday Blondie! Happy Birthday to you! For those who don't know... Blondie helps me blog and has the keys to my castle. Any decorating, colour and even the great titles for my daily blogs come from Blondie.

Many Healthy Happy Years. From me and the boy on the top of the cake. wink wink baby!

Male Dominated Stupid.

Had words with the SU about our mediation dates. Of course he had to raise it while the RebelJunior was in the room with us. Nothing like speaking in code at 7:30 on a Monday morning. The dates were postponed because the mediator's husband was going through some medical procedure on the date that was originally booked. "When are you going to ensure the meeting with Lorraine is kept?" he bellowed at me. I rolled my eyes and didn't buy into his bellowing at all.

The home calendar had a bunch of things listed on it ensuring that I would not be available which was his reason for the bellow. One of the notes concerned an invitation to an event at the hospital where Rebel had her transplant. Rebel wants to attend and wants me with her. The SU has said that I am dragging my feet on the mediation. In fact it was out of my control that the mediator had to change dates and that her new dates didn't fit my schedule. I have given up enough work time this past year and I am not willing to give up more work time because he - SU wants what he wants. As I am saying this my middle aged addled brain had forgotten that I had already agreed to conflicting date and time.

Rebel will go to the hospital event with a good friend who is willing to take her and be supportive while I go spend three hours attempting to negotiate what I want and get the SU to leave the house. At this point if I go and ask for yet another change I can pretty much write the nasty gram that would ensue from the SU's lawyer and save myself the $200 in fees for the Barracuda to write something equally nasty back.

Having said all this, seeing how Rebel Junior has been behaving lately, (did you read yesterday's blog) family counselling is going to be a must. It strikes me that at her age - 14 15 16 - is when things hit the breakpoint. If she is already a recreational drinker ( and gads I hope she isn't) any sort of family trauma could turn her into a crazy ass stupid teen binger. Something that terrifies me but doesn't seem to worry the jackass SU at all.

So I am now riding a stationary bike (fat burning cycle) to nowhere and whining that all the tvs at the gym are turned to male dominated stupid stations. That, plus a pilates class or two and a little single malt will get me through the days.

Really???

I am going to have to figure out a way to insist that the SU take co-parenting classes or counseling once the separation deed has been done. Yet again, Rebel Junior - and she is becoming *quite* the Mini-Me - has her father so wrapped around her finger that he is in complete denial.

He has started using the same mantra as his older brother does around his daughter - "They're teen agers! What do you expect?"
I expect when I say please call at 11 PM so we can pick you up that she'll call.
I expect when I call on her cell phone - the one I pay for - that she'll pick up - the first time!
I expect respectful conversations when we talk -

And the response I get when none of the above happens is - "stop putting 'the hammer' to her - she's a teen ager - they all act like that!"

Really?

When I learned that she'd been drinking alcohol at the party she was at and that she came home drunk - SU 's response was "she's a teen ager - they ALL drink at that age."

Really?

Age 15 and they ALL drink? I think not. Rebel Junior is already out-rebelling the Rebel! She didn't touch alcohol til she was 17 at least. My American friends need to understand that legal drinking age is either 18 or 19 depending where one lives. Not 21.
"So you don't think it's a problem that she is drinking?"
"Well the parents were home at the house she was at. I don't see what I can do about it now."

Really?
That's the best he's got.

He also told me I put down 'the hammer' - whatever that means - when I told RJ when we finally spoke at midnight that no she could not sleep over at her friend's house as this was not planned in advance and I didn't appreciate the last minute request, nor, more importantly, did I appreciate her being rude to me over the phone as I asked her to please get the address of the house she was at so her father could pick her up.

She hung up on me.

I called and woke up another parent, got the phone number, did a reverse search and got an address. I called the house and told the mother to please keep RJ at the house and to please tell her that her father was coming to get her. She left the house and went to another friend's and the SU had to go find her there. She is lucky he went to get her and not me.

Oh... she's "just a teenager" who has her dad jumping through hoops even better than her sister ever could.

Born-again Father
or
just plain jackassery?

On My Time.

This girl is busy this week. Training at work from Wednesday to Friday. A couple of meetings after work or running errands has kept me away from the computer. Okay that and the fact that Rebel Junior claims she has home work and needs to get things done using the computer. Oddly enough though, every time I was in the kitchen I saw no sign of home work and plenty of signs for Facebook, Messenger and lime wire!

The SU keeps trying to arrange mediation dates after lunch time. I don't have time to go to these things in the middle of the work day and stated my preference for a 4 PM start. The mediator's assistance says there aren't a lot of those times left. I have told her I don't do work time sessions. I've missed enough work with Rebel Daughter that I need to stay on track for a few months and get my team back into order.

yeah yeah yeah.. priorities. Well.. frankly - a divorce has never been my priority but my marriage was. Now that the shoe has left that foot, I am not about to make it easy for the SU to get his divorce. Oh it will happen, I've no doubt about it, but he wants it - he has to play ball using my rules. On taking three hours out of my day to fight over my pension - it will get done on my time.

Going back to being busy... I am wondering if I am occupying myself to keep myself out of the house til I know SU has disappeared into his lair? Not good for Rebel Junior for me not to be around - so I am watching my behaviour on this one. SU comes home and doesn't do anything, though I've heard him say that he's been going out doing handy man jobs for other people once again. I just wish once - that these people would call me for a reference check!

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

- John McCrae

Worship From Afar.

What do we call a married man.. yeah yeah yeah.. we know he wants a divorce but still. What do we call a married man who harbours a serious crush on a co worker 20 years younger who doesn't even know he exists? He carries around a stolen photo of her in his wallet along with a little business note she wrote him about.... nothing. He is in serious fantasy land. We have it on very good authority that she is in a relationship with someone. Has been for some time. And not with said married man. She lives five minutes away from said married man. He possibly stalks her street, cruises the grocery stores in her area. Said married man is trying to fix it so his daughter takes classes from her to try and create a "closer" relationship. Perhaps the daughter can influence the 20 years younger woman that he is a fine specimen of a parent. Then she'd get rid of her current beau and throw herself into his nearly 60 year old arms and run away with him. Perhaps she will see how really wonderful he is as he worships her from afar. He stares at her image as he hides in his lair in the basement. He takes a gulp of his three ounce scotch. What do we call the married man?

Freaky, creepy mystery novel....

or

just a bad television sit-com?

Thursday Thirteen.

Routine Thirteen - AM!

1. shower
2. shampoo
3. take meds
4. drink mug of hot water with lemon
5. make coffee
6. make lunch
7. get dressed
8. do make up
9. do hair
10. make the bed with ALL the pillows
11. sit on bed and say a prayer or three
12. grab breakfast
13. drop Rebel off at school maybe

Move along with the day!

It's Beyond Saving.

The Mediator called to change our first date. Her husband has to have some surgical procedure so of course I am accommodating. She wanted us for either the day before or after the planned date, but the Rebel Junior has dance classes on both those days and one of us has to get her there and back. So now I wait for new dates. We are going into December. Oh what a joyous Christmas season this will be.

I chatted with the SIL this weekend. Sister of the SU. She asked me a couple of weeks ago if she could tell her dad about the spousal ennuie and I said it didn't matter to me. In our conversation yesterday she told me that she had told him, but not their mom - who is quite ill and doesn't need to have that stress on her. FIL told SIL that he knew something wasn't right - he could feel it. Which could explain a lot of their behavior of not wanting to visit at our place. Damn SU once again and his perceptions of his relations with his parents has caused some serious rifts all way round. And at this point SIL told her dad "Marie has done everything she could, but you know SU!" And for now, FIL agreed and left it at that. So, regardless of what SU says when he finally says it, IF he ever says it, the entire in law clan has had my story first. For whatever it's worth. I guess I do care what they think of me to some degree. More important they need to know that it was not my choice in the beginning. SU has driven this thing.

I had fully expected the SU to head home over Thanksgiving weekend because his mom is so ill. He didn't. He hasn't called them since early September either. I believe he should head home at Christmas time and spend time with her because she really doesn't have that long. She has a very bad heart condition and she is not on any transplant list I've seen this before with my grandma and she has already lived longer than my grandma. SU is very much in denial or just can't face what needs to be faced. It's not going to be good.

I said to a friend on the weekend - even if somehow he had the thunder clap moment - it's beyond saving. He's killed it. I am moving on. Or trying to.

Happy Halloween!

Thursday Thirteen.

13 reasons why I'm not ready
for winter in October

1. Summer sandals are still sitting in the front entry way under the bench. The storage shoe boxes have gone AWOL!
2. Clothes haven't been rotated out of the closets yet. Winter clothes still in the far closet.
3. Christmas lights aren't up on the house yet.
4. Haven't switched to the winter body moisturizers.
5. Fur coat is still in storage.
6. Winter tires not on yet. (done by end of today though!)
7. Leaves aren't all raked up yet.
8. Spring bulbs aren't planted yet - why give the squirrels any more than I have to!
9. I haven't heard anything about Christmas lists from the girls yet.
10. Dry cleaning - I still have summer dry cleaning to get finished.
11. There is still beer in the fridge.
12. There is still Boones Sangria in the fridge.
13. It's still day light saving time for pete's sake!

Tire'd Out.

It is supposed to snow tonight! Already! There are still a ton of leaves in the back yard from the oak tree that should be raked up but who wants to do this. It rained on the weekend. Sunday was pretty dry and the leaves are not soggy yet. And after tonight's snow fall - 15-20 centimetres! it is supposed to warm right back up again to 15 degrees C about 60 F for those who need a translation.

So I guess it's really time to get the sandals out of the front entry way and dig out the boots!

My car ended up with a flat tire again over the weekend. I founded it when I landed at a friend's to scrapbook. Luckily my friend's husband has an air gun in his garage and offered to put the spare on for me. This is the third time this car has had a flat on this same tire- twice from a puncture and this third time is probably because of the first two times! Follow that? I have to take it to the tire store to get the snow tires on and I think next spring I'll have to get a new tire. Can you put just one new tire on a car? I believe I am supposed to buy them in pairs. But this tire is only two seasons old so AS IF!

These are things that used to be managed by the PU - that's what spouses do right? I am learning to figure it out on my own.

One More Nail.

I decided that when I get to the mediation session - still an entire month away I had better have somewhere to go afterwards to decompress. I fully expect the SU to give me grief or do or say things that will make me completely crazy. Keeping that in check - volatile, emotional being that I am - will not be fun. So I asked a friend if she'd let me come over afterwards to vent and sit for a bit before heading home.

She not only agreed but she is insisting on a couple of coaching sessions before hand so I will know what to expect. She's been through this and knows how mediation works so we will role play. She is also going to walk me through her own separation agreement and explain to me what was what.

That's what friends are for. I believe this will be most beneficial so I will not only be well armed with information, I'll be well briefed and tutored into how to get through the first ordeal. The mediator says that sometimes when things are on a roll, the session can go for three to four hours to get through most of the issues. Having been involved in labour negotations I can just imagine how this will work.

I was a busy scrapbooking crafter this weekend. Thoroughly enjoyed my time with the 20 other women of all ages who were getting photo albums together. For me, it's therapy. Especially the part where I chop heads off pictures!

The younger daughter told me what her plans were for the weekend before I took off. She was going to a friend's over night and then to a soccer tournament at one of the universities on Sunday and then home. We got this nailed down before I left home Saturday afternoon.

When on Sunday afternoon around 3-ish I hadn't heard from her - I started phoning her cell. The cell I pay for her. She wasn't answering my calls or texts. I was not a pleased parent. So of course, I figure may as well ask the other parental unit what plans he made with her. I know, I know, WHY did I waste my time. Of course dear readers, you know how well that turned out.

He parroted back to me the same plan she told me.

"Yes, SU, I know the plan, however what are her time frames. What boundaries did you put in place as you dropped her off?"

" Boundaries" he says. " she'll call me when she's ready to come home! - Don't you trust her?"

"Of course I don't trust her, she's 15 years old and thinks she's smarter than I am in! She needs to understand that there are rules. SHe needs to know we have expectations that need to be met and she also needs to be very clear that I pay for the cell, I expect it to be picked up when I call. The cell is for MY convenience - not hers." As I speak I think in my head for the upteenthe time - Would you please act like a father and parent instead of a chauffer and banker!?!?!?

And so finally three hours later I get the phone call I've been wanting.
Said daughter ends up needing a ride home because she wasn't keeping track of the bus schedules. And none of the other kids' parents that she is with step up to pick these kids up either. She arrived home after 10 PM - and .... home work is incomplete. She started homework at 10:30 PM - Sunday night and the other parental unit ( PU - better ring to it than SU doncha think?) doesn't seem to have a problem with this.

Of course said daughter doesn't get to bed til after midnight, and it follows quite logically that she didn't get her self out of bed til 10 minutes before it was time to leave in the morning today. And who is she trying to rush out of the bathroom because of her own bad time management skills?

In my next house I will have my own private bathroom. I am pretty much done with sharing bathrooms with my girls. But that's a post for another day.

As for PU.... one more nail in the bad parenting coffin files.

And so it went.

The mediator called me at my office and we had our "pre-meeting" earlier this week.

Mediator - Have you looked at our website and do you have any questions for me about the process?

Me - No, I don't. I am good at doing research and I like to know things, so I have a bunch of stuff from the library on mediation, and I have read your website as well as the books I found.

Mediator - Do you need to know about me personally? Or do you want to know about my background?

Me - No - I've checked you out. You were not my first choice so I checked you out thoroughly when the SU rejected my first choice. I know enough. you'll do - even though you are more expensive and not as available as the guy I chose.

She asked some questions about the current state of affairs. I informed her. More about Rebel as well as Rebel Junior AND the SU.

NOTE - so we went through my history - I almost gave her the blog address as I figured it would be easier to let her read and learn it all. But then I remembered - oy yeah.. she's a lawyer mediator - she'll charge us as she reads. As the Rebel says *EFF that!*

Mediator - What can I do to support you through this process?

Me - hmmmm at this point. I really don't know. But when I do, I will tell you.

Mediator - Do either of you have family in town?

Me - No, but I do have good friends and expect to rely on them through this process. I will be fine.

Mediator - If at any time you are not *fine* you need to tell me and I will help you and SU figure out how best to make your moves.

Moving along - do you think SU will be interested in spousal support?

NOTE - at that point I spewed my coffee.

Me - Spousal Support??! AS IF!!!
We each have jobs with good salaries. There is no need.

NOTE - And so it went. From my end of it - she hadn't spoken to the SU as yet - she figures we're pretty straight forward and if we don't fight over custody child support and financial stuff too too much - she figures it shouldn't take too long to get to an agreement.

Thursday Thirteen.

13 things on the financial's
that need to be finished for the sworn statement.
all in December 2006.

1. RRSP statement
2. Credit card statements
3. Salary statements
4. My Aeroplan points?!?!
5. My Club Z points?!!
6. Camp costs
7. Dance programmes
8. Insurance programmes
9. Hair and nail expenses ( heh heh heh)
10.Value of the fur coat ( not enough)
11.Value of the good china
12.Clothing expenses ( see comment no. 9)
13. Any other investment

Barracuda{s}

The Barracuda asks for a meeting before I go in with the mediator next month - so of course I schedule a meeting and off I go. After spending far too much time asking about my daughter - on her nickel - I finally say, "okay - where do we start, why am I here?"

" So.. Marie, have you any questions for me about the process?" and she proceeds to tell me what I should expect in mediation.
" OKAY.. Barracuda? I've done the research I know what to expect. I've read three different books on mediation - they all say the same thing. I've read one book on how to be smart about divorce and I've even read a book on divorce for men. I am getting into this. ( see Wordless from last week) I have my negotiation points all written down here. I am ready to go, except for the finances, and the other barracuda is getting that ready for me. "

"Oh.. you seem well prepared. Other barracuda? There is more than one fish in your pond?" and she sounded more than a little miffed by this.
"Yes, Barracuda, indeed there are more than a few fish and yes.. I am ready. I like to do my research. So to stop me from having to pay you much and to know what I am in for. So rather than pay you for a full hour - are we done?"
"uh.. yeah.. I guess we are. Your strategy is fine. Call me any time during this process if you're not sure about what to do how to do it, or if there is a problem you need to work through."
I am in and out of her meeting room in 15 minutes. I expect the meeting with my other barracuda the financial one to last a tad longer. That's the tough one.
Barracuda $250 per hour. Financial shark ( other barracuda) $75 per hour. And she's an investment manager, financial planner specialising in divorces. Who do you think I will talk to first?

Lawyers! Can't live without them. can't rent them at COSTCO either! Stay tuned. More to come for sure.

Thursday Thirteen.

13 Things that must be considered
when dealing with children and separation.

1. Day to day decisions about- education, religion, health, emergency stuff.
2. Where are they going to live and when?
3. Communication with the "other" parent.
4. Holiday decisions about - Christmas, Easter, birthdays - theirs and ours - Father's Day, Mother's Day, traditional family gatherings.
5. Seeing extended families on both sides.
6. Changing schedules and flexibility.
7. Travel - business without kids, traveling with kids, permission to travel - out of country travel.
8. Make up time.
9. Moving - neighbourhoods, cities.
10. Attending kids functions - dance recitals, sports events, school stuff.
11. Changing names.
12. Death of one or both parents - guardianship.
13. Dispute resolution.

UGH... at least one is already an adult and doesn't really fall into this and the other is 15 going on 27 and speaks her mind.

Wordless Wednesday.

Makes Sense.

As I was clearing out a ton of stuff from what is supposed to be my isle of tranquility - sometimes known as my bedroom, some times known as 'don't know where it goes? Give it to mom' spot - the eldest Rebel came in and asked me why I didn't help her dad with the Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday. I turned around and looked at her and said, 'well... he didn't ask for help, and I know if I offer, he'd say no. If your dad needs help all he has to do is ask me, and of course I'll help. Why wouldn't I?'
'Makes sense,' she said and then proceeded to tell me that he whined in her ear about how I didn't do anything.

I've told her many times, and told her to ensure her sister knows the same, that if the SU starts in with 'tell your mother' or 'why doesn't your mother...' or anything that looks like he is asking them to be a messenger, that they need to tell him to speak with me directly. That way they are not in the middle of anything.

Again the daughter says 'makes sense.' And proceeded to ask me to go with her to pick up some milk from the one local store that was open yesterday.

She is now a driver in training. When she turned 16 she was a Rebel-and-a-half and I told her no license until she finished - completely - her grade 11. There were always boys with cars - so she couldn't be bothered, driving or finishing school. Now she's (finally) hellbent on both. And has turned into the most critical of back seat drivers too.



I swing widely between being pleased that she is driving, and covering my eyes when I am in the car with her.

Fall has arrived!

It's voting day on Tuesday and we don't have any voting cards in the house. How did that happen? When you don't have a voting card it's a mission to be able to vote. With today being the official Thanksgiving holiday nothing is open to be able to find out what ID we need to bring with us to be able to vote. Tomorrow morning I'll have to call our returning office and get the scoop. I predict another minority government.

Thanksgiving Dinner was all right. Rebel's boyfriend stayed with us, but he's an odd one. AS IF I didn't already know this. The two girls started on some rather rude table talk which sent the BF over the edge. Apparently he's got a weak stomach and the minute someone says something the least bit gross he goes green. Weak. very weak. Clearly he's never been to enough family meals anywhere. He wouldn't even stay put at the table NOT eating. He left. I was surprised at the lack of manners. We ended up having a fairly decent time though. Which was nice.

I had nothing to do with meal preparation. SU didn't ask me for help, and I didn't offer. If it had been me, I would have asked for help - I manage and I delegate. Why he wouldn't - who knows.. how cares. The girls enjoyed themselves - that's what matters.

I am walking again - thank goodness. We had a great walk the last few days. The weather has been fantastic. The last few days we've been walking right at dusk. We walk by this pond type pool of water where the Canada geese lay over for the night. Watching the geese all flying down and coming in for landings was so amazing. They land like airplanes.... or is it that the airplanes land like birds? They circle around to get the right down draft and lightly touch the water. Over and over and over again. We must have seen over a hundred of them coming in for the night. I didn't have my camera that evening but against the orange and yellow setting sun the silhouette of the V shape of their flying formation was just lovely. It was quite a sight.

So instead. Here are the geese on Thanksgiving weekend. The noise from the pond was something. I am thinking it sounded something like "HEY! anyone going south to North Carolina? I don't wanna go to South America this year!" "Florida! Anyone going to Florida? Can I hitch a ride with your formation?"

Yeah.. Fall has arrived!

Thursday Thirteen.

13 things done to you at a check up by the doctor

(in this case the nurse practitioner
whose schedule wasn't booked til New Years.)

1. ears poked
2. eyes blinded
3. boobs smushed
4. knees cracked
5. toes tickled
6. back thumped
7. no I don't do street drugs
8. tongue twisted
9. blood drawn
10. stomach pushed
11. pelvis prodded
12. only one glass a night.. seriously!
13. speculum... up there poke poke Yes I know I have a tipped cervix