The Law: Food for thought ...

This is from a dear friend who responded when I asked her questions about the family law stuff and the ideas I had about what to do yesterday. She is a lawyer by profession, a stay at home mom by choice. She's good.

Marie, this is JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION and you have to weigh in with your own feelings, the facts of your situation and your spouse's likely approach/position.

The idea of collaborative law is a good one but one of those touchy-feely things that work well for people who are already getting along. This is also of benefit to these "collaborative law offices" wherein all the money stays there- thank you very much - so take all those claims with a grain of salt.

The other thing you must realize is that a mediator is not "YOUR" mediator- in other words- they are not your advocate- they are attempting, in good faith, to get an agreement- nothing wrong with that- but I personally- believe that at least initially- you need an advocate- someone who is in your corner and will explain and represent your interests. Having someone explain to you without your (I'm sorry-) obnoxious and demeaning spouse there, leaping over himself later- at home to twist everything around- and help you determine a starting place- would be preferable.

You do not need your lawyer to be a counselor- you need your lawyer to get you the best possible legally binding agreement to govern your future relationship with your spouse and kids. From what I have heard from you- the spousal unit is extremely angry and carries a grudge. While this is irrelevant in the long term- getting to "yes" with him may be a painful, debilitating process. I don't say this because I think you are a walk-over- anything but- however, I say this because you need an advocate- you need someone competent to take your position. Because you ARE adversaries- you are more adversarial than almost any other civil litigation. The chances of your case actually being litigated in a court of law are slim- unless your spouse is stupider than he sounds. It is the litigation that is costly- hammering out an agreement should not be overwhelming- once you both understand your rights and responsibilities. (And have time to digest them and simmer down).

All that being said- another initial step in this process is going to be talking to the spousal unit about what his expectations are. I would only advise this- AFTER you have been to a lawyer- with your financials all ready- so that you KNOW what you want and what your realistic expectations should be. Couples can have a tendency to work out what they believe are good, viable agreements that are a total WASTE of time- because they then go see lawyers and are apprised of all the things they haven't thought of.

So- in a nutshell- it doesn't appear to me that you and your spouse are mediation types- you may be- and I am just missing it. There is no point in getting to the room and realizing after long moments of silence that there is no one budging on either side.

There is something you have to let go of in the legal process- and that is the: "you are right" mentality- that you are right and full of righteous indignation because you have been a good spouse and supported your deadbeat, alcoholic, porn loving, non-involved parent spouse- nobody cares about that (except maybe your counselor) because the law did not force you marry your spouse (without a prenup) and frankly- they HATE having to fix people's mistakes.