Being strong.

So... as I sort through the options of what do I do and how do I do it I learned which law firm the spouse went to, and with whom he might have discussed our situation. A pretty boring firm, with probably one or two who specialize in family law. He got the papers, he got the information, and now he thinks he knows it all.

Never mind that she who has been feeling the pain for the last six or so years, did the homework ages ago and knows the details.

So here's the deal these days on the family law front. It's about avoiding litigation, keeping costs down and going the collaborative law route or the mediation route.

Collaborative law is still about meeting the lawyers but it's at a round table instead of across the table. And it's usually two lawyers in the same firm... both of whom get paid. Nice business if you get it! So we avoid litigation, promise to be nice and get to an agreement in a friendly way. Friendly? The man hasn't spoke to me in two years... not sure friendly would work.

Mediation - no lawyers at the onset, but the two "parties" plus a single mediator work through the negotiations. It's really not in my best interest or his. I don't have someone working for me as the agreieved party in all this. Once the negotiations have been agreed upon, the "parties" have their lawyers review the agreement to ensure no one is taken for a ride. I've done labour negotiations from the union side. I could do this. Mediating and negotiating seems to be a good idea I think. It's not quite adverserial, but we can get the thing done... probably after some initial screaming and angst. But perhaps seeing a lawyer first to think this through carefully is a better idea.

The question is I have a spouse who has held every slight and every word in the back of his brain. He holds grudges. He has not been able to shake off even the slightest of slights. And not just mine - any body who he has ever spoken to from what I recall in past conversations. Slights that are ill perceived, and probably not remembered by those involved. Hurts that are not really hurts. He is a head case, even though he doesn't see it or believe it. Will a trained mediator be able to deal with his grudges and perceived hurts? I seriously doubt this.

Can someone with this in their psyche be able to set that aside and work at what is best for his daughters? Or will he find it important to try and push me to the wall to get "his" way?

He claimed in conversations we had, that he didn't want children, he claimed he didn't want the house. He claimed he didn't want to live where we lived - that he had no choice.

sigh....

It is all a revision of our history. However, as angry as I am, because I have to admit there is still anger back there, I would expect civility for the sake of what is best for the kids.
The problem is always - what I believe is in their best interest, and what he believes is in their best interest is where the tension resides. It is this that I dread....

I have been told over and over and over, that I am a strong person. Many women friends, indeed MOST of them, tell me that I am the strongest person they know... and ya know... I am kind of tired of being strong.

Perhaps that's the best reason for why I want this over and done. I am tired of being strong. Perhaps I've had to be strong for all the wrong reasons... yeah... the spouse who isn't - forced me into certain roles. Perhaps that's the best reason of all to get it done: So I can find someone to pick up my slack, and who can hold me up so I don't have to do it anymore.