Besides, He Wasn't Even Funny.

Mediation went all right. The mediator said we did well, so I guess that's what's important.
I hated it. She had us at a round table and I pretty much didn't look at SU entire time we were there. Having done a lot of reading before hand and being prepared helped get through it.

SU walked in the door trying to crack a couple of jokes. I don't laugh at his attempts at humour any longer. I see no reason to make him feel comfortable or to deal with his ineptness in awkward situations. Besides, he wasn't funny.

We started off talking about the girls and their situations and how to handle them. The SU sure told a good story and was doing such a good job of projecting himself as the responsible parent. I let it go for the time being as it wasn't the place or time to spring my traps.

As we moved to the financial stuff we got into the fun. Even as I walked through the door I wasn't sure what I was going to do about the house. Stay or leave. Stay or leave. I wanted a gut instinct and I went with it. I decided to stay in the house and buy out the SU. He was stunned as I had said way back when that I wasn't going to stay. But that was before Rebel took sick and life changed. For now, I'll stay. The mediator asked SU if he was okay with it. And his answer was no surprise - "it's just a house." It's never really been a *home* to him, but *just* a house. And for me that spoke volumes and reinforced thoughts I had but never really articulated about his approach to family life.

SU was surprisingly agreeable to many things. My belief is he feels guilty. Good. I will use that to my advantage every way I can to get what I need.

I am "letting" him have all the living room, dining room and kitchen furniture. It's ugly I've always hated it. Yippee! I will replace it with stuff I like. I'll take the girls with me so they have a say.

Mediator asked about all the contents of the house, stuff of value including the jewelry he gave me. Okay... we're not talking rocks here.. we're talking teeny tiny emerald chips with even teenier tinier diamond chips. And frankly even if they were rocks and not chips... they were gifts and they are mine. Of course, SU magnanimously said "oh I don't need that... they're hers." I guess they are! I expect to re design them anyway and turn them into little pieces for both girls.

SO after two hours we were nearly done. I have to turn up a few pieces of paper from 2006 for back up for the financial stuff. Interestingly - the financial divorce specialist found an error on SU's statements - to my benefit. He was not impressed.

We talked about about the date of separation - I did break the rules once by pushing his buttons... I mentioned the date I learned about his fantasy girl - five years earlier - but did it in an I am the victim kind of way ( so not me!) - then he said something about how he came up with the date he did and I didn't give it any credence...which caused him to show his true nature. I sat on my hands, bit my tongue and let the mediator deal with his outburst. It was good. I felt better. I am done with that - I think.

I am pretty sure I would not have managed as well as I had if it hadn't been for the work I did with Patricia Wall. Breaking bad mental patterns and creating new ones in my head to cope has worked well for me. Doing mediations, figuring out what I am afraid of and dealing with these thoughts helped me not react to things the SU was saying and doing.

Part two will unfold. More than likely before Christmas with the separation papers being completed afterwards I expect.

I went to a friend's place after the session, had two glasses of wine and dinner, vented, and felt better. Went home and slept like a baby.