Spring Easter and Renewal

I said last year, I didn't want to be in the same place this year. Sigh..
However, while I am sort of in the same place I am not really. My head is pretty straight, but I am still not out of the marriage.

It's no big deal to me really. I just refuse to be thrown out of Dodge. The spouse believes he will get the house and ergo full custody of girls. I waver between letting him have it, and wanting to fight tooth and nail on both issues.

But it is Easter weekend, or as Rebel refers to it, "the all church weekend," because we are in church everyday starting with Thursday evening Vespers service, Good Friday service, Blessing of the Easter Food service on Saturday and Matins and Easter Liturgy Sunday morning.

Easter is usually my favourite time of year. It's an easy holiday to prepare for from the mom point of view. It's a brunch prepared ahead of time, mostly; easy to decorate the house, and no big deal in terms of treats except a couple of chocolate bunnies and easter eggs.

I love the liturgical services. Serious and mournful songs until Saturday, and then a bright change in tone from minor keys to major keys on Easter Sunday. You can usually feel spring in the air, (not this year... it has been snowing all weekend!) and you can sense change.

At our Toastmasters meeting at work this week, one of our members gave her all important tenth speech which finishes her basic programme. She talked about forgiveness. Forgiving her mother for her alcoholism and how it liberated her from her own demons.

Forgiveness and Easter seem to go together. It got me thinking about how I really need to start thinking about forgiving the spouse for breaking apart my family, for tearing our relationship to shreds, and for his disregard for what he has done. It would seem that forgiving him would be a step in the right direction and getting over the anger. I really believe that he thinks that a divorce is going to "set him free." Set him free from "what" is the question. Not really my problem except for how that will directly affect my daughters and their relationship with him.

As I have noted soooooo many times before, it's really not me who is the problem. He won't be set free from anything because he is so lost. He really is his own worst enemy.

Easter for him, is a non event. His lack of spirituality, his lack of belief in anything is sad. Even now, crappy marriage, bad ending, I still have a sense of joy for a new season, a new time. Easter does that for me.

I hope you too have some of that sense of joy.

Happy Easter!