Breathe Deep.

A cold has kept me down the last few days. I stayed in bed most of Friday and Saturday. Sunday the weather was so stormy even if I wanted to move I didn't bother.

I have no idea what is going on with the SU either. He didn't get out of his lair til nearly 6 PM on Sunday. I decided I'd better go out and get all the show off my car on Sunday rather than waiting til I had to leave for work on Monday. That was at around 4 PM.

As I am sweeping the snow off the top of the car I started having evil horrible thoughts about whether or not I should find out if the SU was alive or not in his lair. How does someone stay in bed all day without at least coming to see what's going on around the house? I have to admit I started having fantasies/nightmares, of knocking on the door asking if he was alive only to open the door and see him dead - or worse - see a stroke victim. Yikes! If he has had a stroke, I'd have to get him to a hospital - then deal with the girls. Christmas would be miserable - again. After Christmas would be worse. I'd end up having to look after him because - we 're not divorced and I'd have to do the right thing.

By this time, I've finished sweeping the car of snow, and a plow has come by and blocked the end of the drive way so I am trying to shovel up a huge row of snow to ensure I don't get stuck getting out of the drive in the morning.

hmmm maybe I could just put him in some kind of care facility. I don't want to feed him and wipe drool from his face for the rest of my life. How unfair is that?! Can't sic him on his family either as they have enough to deal with with the old folks. It'd be just like him to fuck up his own divorce and end up having to have me look after him. I'd never have sex again because - how do you divorce someone who is now dependent on you? That would just be so unChristian never mind unCatholic!

By now, as I have heaved enough snow and worked myself up into a sweat both physically and mentally, I was psyched up enough to figure I'd better check on the SU when I went back into the house to make sure I got him into a hospital before he was permanently damaged for the rest of my life.

As I walk in the front door and start yanking my boots off I hear Rebel yell - "Dad! You sick or something? What's with the teen age sleep thing? Good morning! Oh wait... yeah... it's 5:30 at NIGHT not MORNING!"

sigh.... breathe deep Marie... breathe deep.

"REJOICE!" they blogged

Peace and Trust Can Win the Day.

Rebel Junior had a dance show at school. She takes a dance class in high school and the show counts as their major exam. It's on for two evenings. It's pretty slick. The school has a very nice auditorium with an amazing sound system. The dancers all girls and one guy from grades 9-12. The tech crew for lights and sound? all girls! When did that happen! RJ was in four dances - She had really done some damage to one of her knees over the weekend while bowling and we weren't sure that she would be able to dance at all. I had wanted to see her on the first night but she didn't want us to come until the second night because they'd be warmed up she said.

Ok... that's what I did. But SU? noooo he went by himself rather than come with me and Rebel. I shake my head. But... am not surprised.
So Rebel and I went and brought along two of RJ's friends who go to another school.

The part that blew me away was during intermission the sound tech crew girls started blasting Led Zeppelin tunes through the auditorium - I don't know who was more surprised.. Me because the kids were all singing along to the Immigrant Song or the kids - because I was singing along with them much to the embarrassment of Rebel!

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day Rebel went into the hospital and started on her long ordeal. She's freaking out a bit. The weather is the same as last year. She was supposed to have attended RJ's dance show last year, but ended up doing something else with the BF. A few things that are similar that are making her a tad crazy.. but getting her through it will be something she can do on her own and something we can help her with. And she has a whole new life . We are going to have a few thanksgiving prayers at home this weekend and at church on Sunday. It truly is a wonderful life.

Thanks be to all above -
and
here on earth who helped make it happen.

Wordless

I got nothin today that's how wordless I am!

A Fine Art.

The Christmas cards are coming in and it's most interesting to see some differences this year.

It's pretty clear who has all the friends. Most of the cards are coming addressed solely to me. SU and I have always had different names and cards would come to Marie and SU. Now it's just me.

There are a few folks who are not in the know about our impending dissolution of marriage and those cards are addressed to Mr and Mrs SU. We haven't received any as yet addressed solely to Mr SU.

When I open the cards addressed just to me - the inside reads Marie and family - I guess that's the etiquette when you know something but not everything and still wish the family a Merry Christmas but not sure who is *in* and who is *out*

I have been attempting to write the annual family newsletter to throw in with the card. I didn't write one last year because we had just started with Rebel's ordeal and the separation was on hold. I was not much in writing news to the world.

I would like to write one this year, but need to do it on the work computer since I don't have my own private space on our home computer. It's writing the thing in such a way that gets ALL the news out about SU and Rebel and our continuing changes without ranting like a crazed whacked-out-about-to-be-separated nutbar wife. Nor do I want to be all emotional and make people cry as they learn about Rebel. A fine art is the of writing the Christmas letter. I may post it up here once it's done just so you all see what I ended up with - for those of you who for some reason or other aren't on the receiving end of things.

I also created an animoto Christmas video with family pics in it. It's only a minute and a bit long, but it sort of speaks to the year. It's all right. The girls hate my video fixation. I LOVE animoto. If I have your email address or you're a friend on Facebook, you'll receive/see it. if you'd like to see it, send me an email and I'll forward it to you. It won't be up on youtube -the world doesn't need to see me in a bathing suit at the spa with the girls.

It's Magical.

There's something quite magical about winter nights. Particularly winter nights with a full moon shining through the trees. I love sitting in my living room looking out into my back yard for hours. My camera isn't good enough to capture the light or the sparkling snow. Trying to describe how beautiful it is - well.. I just can't do it justice.

The snow sparkles like crystals in a jewel. The light of the moon throws shadows from the oak tree that are a rich navy blue colour - not black. It's snapping cold and quiet. And just so peaceful. And I read a book with a small reading lamp so I can enjoy the light and dark and twinkling of the snow.

SU walks in and turns on the lights, huffs and puffs about something. I don't ask any more. I am interrupted from little reverie and wait for him to be done. He leaves, and doesn't turn out the lights. Um... "SU... hit the lights please."
"How can you see anything with that little light?" but he turns out the lights.
Why I bother saying anything I don't know, but I do " I like to look at the night and moonlight - it's not often the full moon and sky are so clear. I like the light and colours."
"yeah... whatever," he says.. and heads back to his basement lair.

I go back to enjoying the night sky, take in the moon, and blue light shining, knowing it's going to be better with someone else someday who loves the light as much as I do.

Thursday Thirteen.....

There are two strikes going on here. A transit strike and a second one that is causing huge delays where pickets are set up in front of the parking lots at work. So the usual 45 minutes commute is now taking over 90 minutes, as we crawl down the road at a maximum speedof 20K an hour. Then upon getting to the road up to the parking lot - I hurry up and wait as the picketers only let through 3 cars every 5-8 minutes. So.. when you're car number 50 in the queue, it's a loooong wait... which brings me to -

13 things to do while sitting in the car
driving and/or waiting

The obvious ones first -

1. drink coffee - but not too much.
2. eat breakfast.
3. do the make up mascara only while waiting, not while driving.

now the more creative bunch -

4. Write the Christmas letter and keep it positive and to one page not including images.
5. Address the Christmas card envelopes.
6. Empty the handbag to see what's making it so heavy.
7. Refill hand bag, throwing away the 40 debit receipts that will never make it to the cheque register and the junk from the last century found in the bottom.
8. Call the office and give them location updates and cancel first two meetings of the day.
9. take pictures with the camera phone of the roadside.
10. Send pictures to all your friends telling them where you are.
11. Send text messages to the Rebel Junior to find out if she is using her phone during school hours.
12. Read a book.
13. Relax. It's out of my control, and I can't do a thing about any of it.

Wordless Wednesday.

Moving Along Amidst Fussing and Fretting.

Next mediation, as expected isn't until after the holidays. It was that or December 23rd. Frankly, two days before Christmas didn't seem the right time for me. I am doing what I can to manage what I can of this process. Perhaps it is prolonging the inevitable, perhaps it's moving along at the pace it is intended to move.

I am waiting to hear from a friend at work who is my new handy man carpenter extraordinaire on what he thinks the 43 items on the "must be fixed" list will cost me in round figures. I'll have to add that to the price that the SU has given me to determine what I will pay for the house. If it's less than what he is will to let of then I will ask that an independent appraiser be brought in and I will hand that person my 43 item list - plus a few other things that didn't make it on, but should have. I am quite sure the SU won't be impressed. That's okay because I am not sure he realizes he's not the only decent and quality carpenter around in the city. I also believe that he doesn't think I am capable of getting these things done without him. Well watch this space!

I've been crashing a bit too. This past weekend I had planned on a scrapbooking evening and a couple of other things, and ended up going to bed around 8 at night because I just didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I didn't sleep that well either, but I just wasn't in the mood for much of anything. Rebel wanted me to drive her and the BF to some party because he didn't want to take his car. I didn't want to do that nor did I want them using my car. So I took both sets of keys with me to my room, shut the door and made it clear I was not too be bothered.

Rebel was a little ticked, but that's just her usual Rebel-ness. I am now finding it difficult to separate Rebel Princess wants and needs from actual needs. I guess once you've had a kid who's been sick to the death, it's really tough to not indulge to the max either. The BF though, I will not indulge. He was to stay sober and drive his own car because the license stipulations are that a beginner driver, our Rebel, can only drive a car with someone supervising her. I doubt that someone who is half in the bag is exactly a good supervisor.

So I will now move on and see what I can do about creating a family Christmas while SU frets and fusses about getting his divorce. Hopefully he'll use the time to find himself somewhere else to do the fretting and fussing.

Proper Care and Feeding of a Guest.

Well I got out of bed on Saturday morning to see that the SU had left the house. WTF? He leaves and he has a guest here. So guess who ended up having to feed, water and entertain said guest. I didn't mind too much because he's an okay enough guy but seriously!

I had planned on getting up because Rebel Junior had a friend sleeping over so I was making pancake batter and cinnamon buns anyway. So he benefited. Otherwise, I would have left the house and he would have had to fend for himself. I was not impressed.

I have a couple of little things to deliver to the mediator tomorrow. And then we'll see how things come together for the next meeting. I am not sure that SU will be out of the house before Christmas. Just as well at this point I guess since it is just a few weeks away. However, I've already done some furniture shopping and am looking around at paint chips. It's gonna be a reno re-do - a complete new look for the place after he's out.

Right now I am having a bit of a time financially. Because I had time off after Rebel was discharged from the hospital I am paying back my employer for the next year. It's not that much every pay but I feel it, and do wonder if I can make it on my own. I've been watching the career boards and have a couple of feelers out. As well, I've been told my position is being reviewed to get it up a couple of notches which is what I would prefer. My line of credit is getting a great work out and I just had my overdraft increased too after a lawyer's cheque, a financial planning cheque and two Mary Kay cheques, and post dated dance class cheque took me from zero to five hundred in less than 24 hours!

Dollars to Doughnuts.

Since this whole divorce thing has been going on, I've been uncomfortable having people over. I just find it difficult what with SU being anti social on a good day and friends knowing what's going on. it's just not pleasant. Even when my best friend flew in from Winnipeg for my big birthday party last year, she stayed at a hotel because I just didn't want her hanging around the house much.

My point is the SU informed me that one of his young friends, the musician fellow who recently moved to the big city to make his fame and fortune as a singer is staying over at our house this evening as he makes his way to Montreal for a gig on Saturday evening.

The question to the SU was "where is this guy going to sleep?" SU is "giving him" the spare room where he sleeps - the one with the Perrier bottles and garbage strewn on the floor - and he is going to sleep in the basement - on the couch. I roll my eyes.

Apparently Rebel told me the friend called SU specifically a few days ago to ask if he could stay with us. I find this odd as this young man has over 700 Facebook friends many right here in town who are even his own age. Why stay at my house? So I asked someone else who knows him well. He didn't even know that this young man was coming to town! sigh..
Dollars to doughnuts (where did that expression come from?) the SU is probably going to Montreal with the young man. Wanna bet?
Interestingly, young man is very much like the SU. That doesn't bode well for his future!

Thursday Thirteen.

13 other uses for vodka
(with thanks to Lidia B
for knowing when to make my day.)

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

5. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

6. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

7. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them. Russian vodka works best

8. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

9. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. Use the cheap American stuff.

10. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

11. To cure foot odour, wash your feet with vodka.

12 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

13. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. If it's going in your mouth ...use the the good stuff.

Besides, He Wasn't Even Funny.

Mediation went all right. The mediator said we did well, so I guess that's what's important.
I hated it. She had us at a round table and I pretty much didn't look at SU entire time we were there. Having done a lot of reading before hand and being prepared helped get through it.

SU walked in the door trying to crack a couple of jokes. I don't laugh at his attempts at humour any longer. I see no reason to make him feel comfortable or to deal with his ineptness in awkward situations. Besides, he wasn't funny.

We started off talking about the girls and their situations and how to handle them. The SU sure told a good story and was doing such a good job of projecting himself as the responsible parent. I let it go for the time being as it wasn't the place or time to spring my traps.

As we moved to the financial stuff we got into the fun. Even as I walked through the door I wasn't sure what I was going to do about the house. Stay or leave. Stay or leave. I wanted a gut instinct and I went with it. I decided to stay in the house and buy out the SU. He was stunned as I had said way back when that I wasn't going to stay. But that was before Rebel took sick and life changed. For now, I'll stay. The mediator asked SU if he was okay with it. And his answer was no surprise - "it's just a house." It's never really been a *home* to him, but *just* a house. And for me that spoke volumes and reinforced thoughts I had but never really articulated about his approach to family life.

SU was surprisingly agreeable to many things. My belief is he feels guilty. Good. I will use that to my advantage every way I can to get what I need.

I am "letting" him have all the living room, dining room and kitchen furniture. It's ugly I've always hated it. Yippee! I will replace it with stuff I like. I'll take the girls with me so they have a say.

Mediator asked about all the contents of the house, stuff of value including the jewelry he gave me. Okay... we're not talking rocks here.. we're talking teeny tiny emerald chips with even teenier tinier diamond chips. And frankly even if they were rocks and not chips... they were gifts and they are mine. Of course, SU magnanimously said "oh I don't need that... they're hers." I guess they are! I expect to re design them anyway and turn them into little pieces for both girls.

SO after two hours we were nearly done. I have to turn up a few pieces of paper from 2006 for back up for the financial stuff. Interestingly - the financial divorce specialist found an error on SU's statements - to my benefit. He was not impressed.

We talked about about the date of separation - I did break the rules once by pushing his buttons... I mentioned the date I learned about his fantasy girl - five years earlier - but did it in an I am the victim kind of way ( so not me!) - then he said something about how he came up with the date he did and I didn't give it any credence...which caused him to show his true nature. I sat on my hands, bit my tongue and let the mediator deal with his outburst. It was good. I felt better. I am done with that - I think.

I am pretty sure I would not have managed as well as I had if it hadn't been for the work I did with Patricia Wall. Breaking bad mental patterns and creating new ones in my head to cope has worked well for me. Doing mediations, figuring out what I am afraid of and dealing with these thoughts helped me not react to things the SU was saying and doing.

Part two will unfold. More than likely before Christmas with the separation papers being completed afterwards I expect.

I went to a friend's place after the session, had two glasses of wine and dinner, vented, and felt better. Went home and slept like a baby.

Wordless Wednesday.

It Will Be Discussed.

It continues to surprise me that the SU doesn't believe he is playing favourites with his daughters. One is seen as the apple of his eye while the other is now kept in check about most of everything she is doing. Most of the time.

Rebel isn't working and has to be particular about the work she does do. Being immuno suppressed means that working in crowded retail conditions - not going to work. Working with money is not great. So her doc tells her to not worry and to allow us to support her. I have no issue with this at all. SU seems to have to play 20 questions with her everytime she asks for money. Now granted, I don't think the BF is really much help and doesn't spend money on movie rentals, dinners out and stuff. She seems to want to pay her own way rather than have him do it - rather in a I am woman hear me roar kind of attitude. Or perhaps the BF is broke all the time. Who knows.

On the other hand the little one seems to get anything she asks for. Yet, she continues to not do the small number of chores I assign, nor does she ever have a nice word about anything. She's become uberRebel! Miss Disrespectful of the highest order. And it ain't fun!

My belief is that the SU is disrespectful towards me and she has picked up on this and believes she can take the same attitude with me. I, on the other hand, may think the SU is a complete jack ass, but I draw the line in his children treating him as anything less than their father. While he doesn't deserve this, I don't need to stoop to his approach. I'll deal with it at the right time.

He told the Rebel Junior that I thought she'd lied to us about some of her plans over the weekend. Rather than try and draw the truth out of her and figure out if she had told us the truth or not, he just flat out told her that I said she was a liar and how did she feel about that. He then had a look on his face that said... "GOTCHA! Now what are you gonna do. ha ha ha. "

And seriously - what AM I gonna do with a father and a soon to be EX who thinks that this is the appropriate way to engage his daughter?

RJ wants to take part in a three month foreign exchange to France or Spain. While I would be all for it, I will not have her disrespecting me and then thinking she can get rewarded. This is going to be a tough one to work through particularly since I am dealing with two juveniles.

Regardless of whether or not "the law" is silent on this matter, it will be discussed as a negotiation point during upcoming mediation sessions.

Mediation date one... tomorrow - Tuesday.

13 on Thursday.

1.The lawyer who died trying / Honora Finkelstein & Susan Smily.
2.Lawyered to death : a Karen Hayes mystery / Michael Biehl.
3.Lawyers gone bad : money, sex and madness in Canada's legal profession / Philip Slayton
4.Lawyers and the nuclear debate/ edited by Maxwell Cohen and Margaret E. Gouin
5.The lawyer's contract marriage / by Amanda Browning
6.Lawyers / Jack Batten
7.Kill all the lawyers : a novel / by William Deverell.
8.Kill all the lawyers : a Solomon vs. Lord novel / Paul Levine.
9.Kill all the lawyers? : Shakespeare's legal appeal / Daniel J. Kornstein.
10.Shoot the lawyer twice/Michael Bower
11. Lincoln the lawyer/ Brian Dirck
12. Happy Hour is for amateurs: a decade in the world's worst profession/Philadelphia Lawer
13.So, you want to be a lawyer, eh? : law school in Canada / Adam Letourneau.

It seems to me

that it is ALWAYS one of those days...

Daily Horoscope by Astrology.com
Tuesday November 25, 2008

Taurus: It's one of those days when you'd just as soon not go out with your mate -- jealousy could flare up over nothing at all. If you're alone, all should be fine, but if not, try to keep your instincts under control.


Controlling my instincts as we blog!

Counting Down.

Well, it's a week and a day to M-day - otherwise known as the first Mediation Date. I am so NOT looking forward to this at all though it is way past its best before before date at this point. While I am moving it along - I am freaking out internally at going through this process. I'm in good hands though.

I had a good meeting with the financial specialist, who upon a quick read of my stuff and the SU's stuff told me that the equalization for pension might not be too bad. It all depends on whether or not the SU *really* believes he's going to work until age 65. While I don't get how this all works yet, it seems that if you say you're working longer - your net worth is less... so who wouldn't say they plan to work longer. AS IF! Though the SU probably would because - what ELSE does he have to do with his life? I would prefer not to, but I will say I am working just to keep things on a more equal footing. Given that I have to give a sworn statement I may have to be careful here. Though people DO change their minds after the fact eh?

This whole equalization thing is wrong. It came into law of course, because women who were stay at home moms as their careers and first jobs didn't have pensions. So when their erstwhile husbands decide to walk away and attempt to leave the mother of their children without so much as two cents to support them, the state had to step in and insist that these dead beat jackasses do what is right - share their pensions and investments and help the wives they were dumping keep living in the manner to which they had become accustomed through the support they provided at the matrimonial home. I somehow don't think it was intended for working women to share their incomes and investments the other way with their working jackass greedy-I'll-show-you! husbands did it? I mean seriously!

No doubt there are a few who would say back.. "you wanted equality - you got it - now give up the cash and let's get on with it!" I won't go into my feminist tirade today - just note that - giving up my pension was not what the law intended I don't believe. I am younger, I am going to live longer and I earned every damn cent without a ton of support from the SU even when we did have what I thought was a solid marriage.

During this next week, I'll be doing the count down and getting myself mentally fit for this ordeal. Now that it's so damn cold outside and the wind is whipping, I'll have to get myself to the gym and walk on the treadmill to nowhere. It should help keep anxiety levels to a low as I vent and pump it out!

Razor Burn.

What is it about men and their razors? I, of course, learned looooong ago that borrowing a man's razor to shave your legs and other body parts is just not on. I learned that if you really want to set a man on edge, drive him completely mental - and not in a good way- use his razor on your legs. You will hear about it. Usually. That's just they way they are. Husbands in particular - don't seem to cut their wives any slack on this one. Newlywed, sex three times a day, whatever, nothing works with the razor question.

But teen age daughters - particularly at the RebelJunior phase don't seem to care much about this fact and major father irritant.

RJ regularly borrows dad's razor. She has her own. A lovely pink Venus with blades that are regularly upgraded changed and replaced. Yet she seems to like the Gillette 6 blade thing that is all torqued in orange and blue. She also likes dad's hairbrush. Need I mention dad doesn't have a lot of hair to give it a good run through and RJ thinks the brush is wasted on his head.

Earilier this week SU - who is never in great humour at the beginning of any day- came barging into the bathroom as I was applying eye liner. He was all huffy and puffy and snorting through his nose but didn't say anything. As I found some make up remover and calmly removed eye liner from my cheek I asked every so casually " looking for something?"

SU replied in that grumpy morning voice of his, " I can't find my brush and my razor isn't where I left it. Oh! THERE it is!" And he reached over into the bathtub and grabbed it from the ledge as he huffed and puffed some more and muttered under his breath. He does that a lot these days....the muttering under the breath thing.

As he is standing there holding a hair brush in one hand, his orange and blue beloved razor in the other, stubbly face and tufts of silver hair gone wild standing on end I'm reminded of Alistair Sim as Ebenezer Scrooge - the movie and thinking - Ebenezer is far more attractive than this muttering middle aged dad.

And so I responded to him the way he responded to me when I was concerned about how RJ was behaving. the one he threw out at me on Monday this week. ( see blog Monday 17th) She's a teenager! They ALL do that. He looked at me, said nothing and stomped down the stairs.

Interesting how when they're being teen agers and it has a direct impact on his day it just doesn't fall the same way.

Thursday 13 follow up.

Routine 13 in the PM

1. glass of wine
2. straighten up clothes to hangers or laundry
3. phone calls to make?
4. check the facebook page, check the emails
5. what's in the snail mail
6. dishwasher status
7. another glass of wine
8. read a book
9. watch some tv
10. wash off the make up
11. eat the vitamins
12. pjs
13. sit on the bed and say another prayer or two

good night