Phriday Philosophy

I know... pretty bad piece of a title...but I've had this sitting around for some time now, and figured it's time to use it.

"Men are like trains.They are going somewhere.Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train. You cannot change a man's direction to yours without losing trust in his capacity to navigate."
--From "Dear Lover," a book by David Deida

OK... so what does mean for someone like me? I've always had to navigate. It seems without my map, we have ended up at a dead end... or worse... I believe he's headed over a cliff.

The Rebel Teen asked me this morning as I drove her to school if her father had a drinking problem. She noticed she said, a whiskey kind of smell around him. She says that her sister the Tweeny also said something to her. Talk about being de-railed!

Losing trust? Whose? His or mine? Hmmmm

I need to address my own procrastination. The train is going and coming to that proverbial fork in the road. I have the road map, just not feeling quite as confident as I must to take the turn. I don't think his choosing the path is a unilateral decision is it? Because where that road goes.... not at all a comfortable ride at all. We're talking milk run rather than express.

The time is near for me to choose. The holidays are nearly upon us, and I did say last Christmas, (go back and read those posts) that I won't have another day like the last. Shall move forward and need the plan in place as the holly jolly time of year comes closer!

And... as I sit here and create... the electrician has installed the hall lighting, both upstairs and down, changed half the switches, put in dimmers, and a new doorbell!

The window is replaced! Wow... clear and clean! We're lookin like first class finally rather than economy! Wait oh wait for the negative - take money on it - reaction of the spousal unit!

Happy Halloween!

I went to a party on the 28th without the spousal unit. He was to go to another party with "the kids" downtown, but I have not wanted to be part of that crowd. When I received the invitation from a friend at work I jumped at it, and mostly had a great time.

Guys from have a new band and they were playing some great music. The only time I felt as a "one" was during the slow songs when I didn't have a partner to dance with. All I could think of was "get used to this... this is life with out a spouse!" sigh. That's the tough part. The rest... was great fun. A dance partner would be good thing.

What's your favourite Halloween groaner?

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos. ( particularly for the wine-y kind of boos!)

Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
To see the boogy man yeah! do a little dance... sing a little song...

13 on Thursday! Dancing like a banshee!

So... ENOUGH with the Yer Cheatin Heart-country western- slit my wrist-I am soooo sad-cut my heart out- kinda songs.

I gave the Tech Blonde a hard time about her online music collection. Here's a few 'happy" kinda songs that make ME feel good. note to self... buy a freakin MP3 player for the car... play these ALL the time... they are fun and worth a listen. Put on the high heels and DANCE!

Ummm T.B.? got any castposts for ANY of these for me to beg from ya?
And why aren't my links linking? I am sooooooo blonde?

http://www.scissorsisters.com
1. Take Your Mama

2. I don't feel like dancing......( yes... you DO! )

http://www.sting.com/
3. Brand New Day

http://www.ledzeppelin.com/site_flash/
4. Whole Lotta Love..... ( I am a TRUE rocker of the 70s!)

http://www.beegeesonline.com/
5.Stayin Alive

http://www.nellyfurtado.com
6. Man Eater
7. Powerless

http://www.amysky.com/index.asp
8. Phenomenal Woman.... every woman's anthem!

http://www.dilanarox.com
9. Mother Mother

http://www.celtae.ca/
10. Killer Cod.... ( it was better when Dana played the fiddle!)

http://www.theb52s.com/
11. Love Shack

http://www.blackeyedpeas.com
12. Pump It!

http://www.eurythmics.com/
13. TIE! Sisters are doing it for themselves.... and I don't know why but..
I need a man!

In the immortal words of Wayne and Garth.... party on dudes!

Back to our regularly scheduled spousal ennuie.... another time! But counselling was good this week.

Getting over it... a Sunday kinda song.

I still like the song... though NOT feelin it nearly as badly these days... Feelin pretty good really. But what a great song.
Enjoy
Thanks to the Tech Blonde .... once again!

It was either this one or the Nick Lachey song.. "I don't hate you any more..."
It's a joke people... laugh with me... really!



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13 reasons to move a blog .... on Thursday

1. Well... it's all wonky and so by moving it and changing name and URL perhaps the wonkiness will go away.
2. What the heck... not a lot of readers, so why not make doubly difficult and change the name of the blog
3. It's become soooo popular Blogger is worried I am going to crash their network, so change the name and see if people can find you for all this riveting stuff. ( can you see me roll my eyes?)
4. The old blog is not representative of who I am any more... so needed to find a new title and URL.
5. The rebel teen found the blog and has been mentionning it at random times... usually when I ask her to do something... kitchen clean up, quiet time, etc - ummm need to move it.
6. Rebel teen told the Tweeny about the site... hmmm this is getting serious- need to move it.
7. Wondering if Spouse now knows... need to move it
8. So much time on my hands may as well spend time moving things around
9. A certain blonde tech needs a challenge... ask her to try and fix the wonkiness
1o. A certain blonde tech needs more of a challenge... what the hell... ask her to move the ENTIRE blog!
11. Moved it so I wouldn't have to delete it
12. Need to keep writing, and need to keep posting...so change the name ... to protect.... well... me!
13. No blog..... no news! And news is what keeps people connected and sending ME emails!

Don't worry full story on points 5-7 coming soon. This is to get you back into reading mode.

13 on Thursday Today's topic....

Why am I Procrastinating? And other thoughts.

1. It's a separation after 23 years of marriage.... it ain't easy! yes but it's been thought about for AT LEAST 2 years now.

2. It's just easier not to think about it. THEN he does something really assinine , thoughtless, without regard, and I think.. "really girl... this is ENOUGH!"

3. The kids... okay.. rebel teen not really a kid and the tweeny... well.. this can't be healthy really. I know this.

4. Christmas is coming.... oh yeah... didn't I say last year... NOT another one like this?!

5. The paperwork. Still working on financials... oy!

6. The house.... It's always the house

7. Better the devil you know.... ( you gotta be kidding!)

8. He might put up a fight... well... he's gonna do that anyway

9. Haven't found a lawyer I like. well... really... does any one really LIKE their lawyer??!

10. What will the neighbours think? who cares... really... half the wives on the block have kicked thier spouses out!

11.

I got nothin. ..... any one? Feel free.

Thanks giving on a beautiful sunny October Long Weekend

I stayed at a friend's last night. She had another friend over who was going though a marital crisis too. Although I guess I am past the crisis mode. We drank a lot of wine and I couldn't drive back into the city.

The comment in yesterday's blog is something my counsellor told me too. I care too much and I try to fix. Dear friend said the same.

Sigh...

She also told me that he who had been my friend was really a diversion keeping me from what I had to do and decide. I suspect that too is accurate.

The rebel daughter returned. She couldn't find a place to live. I should have stayed home yesterday but I needed my time to process the news of male friend. Well... we will have to change how the rebel lives at home. She came, she saw and left and didn't come home last night. I cannot continue living the way it was before she left. And the spouse her father is going to have come on board with me for the time remaining in this relationship of ours.

Clearly many things need fixing here.

Yet... it is Thanksgiving Day I have a healthy family. We are living in the best place in the world. I am told I am a vibrant woman who should have a wonderful life. I am truly thankful for what I have. My "true" friends are indeed "true" yet they are not backing away from telling me the truth and getting me to "buck up!"

Thanks be given to all of you who read, support and are my "true" pals. I love you all.

Silly Sunday - a tale

 King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.  The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice

NOW  

     DONT                  

    CHEAT

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly

13 things I WANT on Thursday!

I saw a counsellor yesterday as advised by my MD.  She told me that I had a couple of things to work on based on what she heard. 

My greatest strength and my greatest weakness is that I am loyal to those who are close to me... friends, partner, colleagues.  It works for me most times, but it has clearly worked against me lately on too many fronts concerning men.

 

She asked me to think about what I want, rather than trying to be nice, and fix things for everyone else and worrying about what anyone else wants.

 

What do I want?  Well... here are 13 things to start with.

 

1.  I want a partner/husband who thinks about me, instead of about himself when it comes time to do anything at home.

2.  I want flowers.  Real ones, lots of them, frequently.  And none of that silk or plastic ( I mean really!) shit either!

3.  I want to go out to restaurants where you get dressed up, where children are frowned upon -  I am tired of going to bars to hear the same old same old celtic music played by children whose parents are my age!

4..  I want to go to foreign movies with my partner not to animated movies and teen crap always with my children.

5.  I want my friends, our neighbours, and my colleagues to be at the very least treated with respected when they are in the presence of the spouse.

6 I want my children to treat their mother with respect and to listen when she speaks.

7.  I want the children's father to support thier mother in decision making and no rude remarks made about mother's decision within ear shot.

8. I want all the renovation projects in the house  finalized before anything new is started.

9. I want my freakin computer fixed.  ( might explain the blogger problem here... or perhaps not)

10.  I want to have dinner parties at least once every couple of months with my contemporaries and not "the kids"  See point 3.

11. I would like to have a savings account that reflects the two income family that we are supposed to be.

12.  I would like the "man of house" to lock the damn doors every night instead of waiting to be asked if it's done.  What's with that?  You're last up, check the security zones man!  

13.  I want a Mustang GT  the 24 valve, big engine job... really... I want the new Shelby.... but the GT will suffice.   I believe I am about to star in my own midlife crisis....

 

She crosses her arms, nods her heads, and says... "yeah!  take THAT! 

 

A Sunday Silly - Fair Trade Chocolate

A new category.  Why not!  Feel free to contribute something if I can't find just the right bit for the day!   There ARE days....

 

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped  the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally  tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat  next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

" The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

13 on Thursday

May as well get into the blog tradition.  Blogs are only what?  a few years old and they have traditions?  or should they be patterns?

 

13 things for the weekend!

 

1. Need to get the financials written down for the expert to review.   

2. Have an appointment scheduled with the therapist.

3. Need to get the summer clothes dry cleaned and moved to the other closet.

4 Transfer the winter clothes to the bedroom closet.

5. Get the letter written to overthrow the parish priest.

6. Plan meals for next week.

7. Call Handyman Hotline to get those other 13+ things fixed.

8 Call the window guy to deal with the window.

9. Laundry

10 Ironing

11 Call the rebel teen ( another story)

12.Call friend about the  scrapbooking day mid October.

13 Relax, watch a movie or two, drink the Viennese wine in the elegant Viennese glass that cost half a paycheque!

 

Teeth & Marriage

I have two bad teeth.  One is soooo bad it's not there any more.  I am wearing a false tooth affectionately known by professional dentists everywhere  by its technical name  -  "flipper."  The other tooth, a middle molar is broken in half.  Everytime I get a temporary filling for it the thing breaks and I lose it.   I've stopped having the filling done as my dentist and I were having a better and more ongoing relationship than the spouse and I.

 

It comes down to the sympathy one receives when one has a pain in the tooth.  Until about four years ago, I was a  dental visit freak!  I was at the door of the dentist's office every six months like clock work!  NOTHING prevented me from going for those regular check ups and cleanings.  Then, with my life in a minor turmoil, mom dying of cancer, job at the time, up in the air, and Round 1 with the spouse it just all became too much.  It was at this time I had to start wearing a flipper because of tooth problems.  I had been spending a lot of time at the dentist's office which reminded me a lot of the hospital where my mom had been sick, which made me sick in turn.  That and a couple of misplaced needles in the mouth  by said dentist, who happens to be a friend, and I decided I had enough!   For awhile!

 

Now bear with me.  .  As often as I went to the dentist the spouse stayed away until he had serious pain requiring prescription pain killers and major work.   As a good spouse I tried being empathetic, offering sympathy, tea and whatever else a spouse might need from the wife to ensure caring in sickness clause.  This particular spouse was more like a lone wolf and preferred to hide in a corner and deal with his pain and suffering by himself.  I, on the other hand, appreciate all the TLC I can get. 

 

This was another one of those hints that things were not going well in the marriage department.  No sympathy or ANYTHING when I was sick or needing said TLC. 

 

 How, you are probably asking, do teeth have anything to do with the main topic of this blog, staying or going and the marriage? 

Well, it's quite simple really.

 

I came home early from work earlier this week with serious-really- bad-worse-than-natural-childbirth pain from this nasty broken molar.  I had been to the dentist before work, got the pain killers and anti-biotics.  By the time the spouse got home I was working on my fourth Tylenol3 which was completely ineffective.  He recommended whiskey.  sigh... yeah that should work well with the drugs.  Did I get sympathy?  Did I get help on how to deal with the pain aside from the alcoholic suggestion?  Did I get any TLC?  

 

Of course not... what I did get from the man who only graces the dental chair under severe pain - was a diatribe on why I should have dealt with this particular problem at the onset when it first started, how I needed to get back into the dentist's chair and what was my problem and blah blah blah...

 

It was about this time, I could feel the abscess starting to drain... a rather disgusting thing ... and it was all I could do to keep from spitting all that yuck and guk into his eye! 

 

Wife Warrior on the Road

I arrived home after a week away to "Oh! You're home already? I thought you weren't coming back until Sunday." This, I have learned from experience, is code for " You're not gonna be happy. The kitchen is a freakin' mess because rather than tidy up every day, I leave things as if I lived in a pig sty." Sure 'nuff.... dirty dishes, beer cans, glasses, newspapers piled up, and the mail not sorted... all over the kitchen. sigh.

This is how he chose to live with Tweeny this week. Why, why, why doesn't he get it?! I had loaded the dishwasher before I left, turned it on, looked them BOTH in the eye and said, make sure you empty this so that it can be loaded up again during the week. ......whatever!

Highlights from my trip? Austrian Air is efficient. 300 people getting meals and drink in ten minues and everyone pretty much getting their choice. In seat entertainment units. Three movies coming home.

The cockpit video cam meant we watched the plane land and take off with the pilot's view. OR we could see the geography below once the plane was low enough. Way cool!

Sleeping overnight on the way to Austria...Window seats work better than aisle seats! Not a lotta luck sleeping in an aisle seat!

My luggage was lost and I spent my first 24 hours in Vienna without clean clothes or liquids, powders or pastes - a tad annoying. But how long can you be annoyed when you're walking in a historic city, soaking up atmosphere, sight seeing, and drinking amazing BEvERages. Suitcase arrived half an hour before the start of meetings!

Sacher torte... the original. Died and gone to heaven. Even brought some home.

Work went well. Meetings productive.

Spouse and Tweeny survived without me. I used to travel a lot so this is not difficult for either of them. I wish though that spouse was more of a disciplinarian when I am gone. It is more than annoying that he lives like a slob when I am gone. It doesn't teach the children a thing. He took her for a hair cut. They made lunches together but THE MESS!

Oh and did he ask me how things went on the trip?

13 on Thursday

With apologies to the Shop Girl for stealing her Thursday list thing... but when a theme works it works. The date refers to when the project was started.

13 unfinished projects

1. Second floor bathroom hole in the wall is patched but not painted. summer 2002
2 Second floor bathroom painting touch ups on walls and ceiling. summer 2002
3. Second floor bathroom trim around the vanity needs to be attached. summer 2002
4 Second floor bathroom electric fixtures need the plates and proper plugs summer 2002
5 Main floor powder room trim around the vanity needs to be finished summer 2002
6 Main floor powder room - exhaust fan needs to be cleaned and re-attached summer 2002
7 Rebel teen room - curtain rods summer 2004
8 Rebel's rooom - doorknob on the door would be nice 2004
10 Tweeney's room trim/moldings at the bottom of the wall 2004
11 Electric fixtures and plates 2004
12 Spare room electric fixtures and switches need repair 2003
13 Second floor fan would be nice to have the fan working with the light rather than one or the other!! March 2006
14 Kitchen - broken window needs to be repaired before the snow starts to fly... March 2006
15. trim and frame around the front door was taken off and needs to be replaced. November 2005
16 The Royal Staircase... trim and paint repair work. summer 2005

Oh did I go OVER thirteen???? sigh.... and these are the ones that are obvious!
I will be out of the house for a week... far far away in another country on business. Blessedly so. Talk to you all upon my return after the 25th.

The Eldest on Adventures

Ah... a break from my ongoing and never challenges of bad marriage to talk more of *she who must run away* from home!

Ah yes... a few weeks of that angst on top of everything else was cause for alcohol... which I figured I needed to avoid because of weight loss and the general feeling of not feeling quite in control. A glass of wine maybe.... but not even full... sigh.

Trying to get information out of *she who had to run away* was painful. Shouting and screaming matches, name calling and more. Her to me. All the while her father, the spousal unit, would never come to my defense would not even once get himself in front of her and tell her to stop with the disrespect. I suspect the amount of alcohol he was drinking dulled his senses and didn't allow for any kind of clear headed thinking.

To that end - I got in his face one evening and told him that his lack of support for the office of motherhood was not impressive. That his tacit nod in allowing the eldest to be rude and disrespectful, was starting to rub off on Tweeny, her sister.

In the end, several of the men who are my friends and family managed to dissuade said Teen from going to work in the rough and tumble world of the meat packing plant. She used a credit card, given to her by the Royal Bank of Canada those carpeting bagging, money grubbing, typical greedy, profit motivated bankers, to buy herself a plane ticket west. Did I mention no job and about $250 in the bank, if that? By the time THAT debt is paid off guaranteed the $300 ticket will have cost double!

And she and her friend, the one who sleeps at home with the lights on when ever mom is out... which would be EVERY night of the week - fly out. Two days later I got a phone call at home. "Mom, I need $600.00!!! Once I am done spewing my wine, I ask why. Turns out the place they were supposed to stay was not interested in having her friend around. She truly has no social graces... no surprise. So I ask about a Plan B. Apparently there isn't one. I tell her I can't give her $600! That she needs to call relatives or friends and figure it out. She says she doesn't know how to ask for help to stay a few days. Well then says I, you're gonna learn aren't you because I can't give you that much money. Talk about the toughest thing I had ever had to do for my child.

But... I did make a few calls in case her pride held her back, and she ended up at my cousin's house. Cuz was heading out on a trip and needed babysitters. I am hoping my child acted responsibly... but who knows. Said Cuz has access to the blog and may fill me in down the road.. Please do.

Cuz in law bought the girls construction boots. I told the eldest... BEFORE she does ANYTHING with her cash... she and the friend MUST pay back the cousin. That was NOT part of the deal at all.

Interestingly, the eldest has been chatting politely to me via phone, email and text messages . Much nicer tone since she left. No kidding eh!

As she left, her father, didn't/couldn't even tell her he loved her. I shake my head.

Okay... what MORE is gonna come at me!

So it's not enough that this marriage thing is a bit of a disaster at the moment. She the rebel child turned adult- and quite immature - has decided it's time to leave home and move a 1000 miles away. Sigh.... Not just move a thousand miles away, but take a friend along, tell half truths about her plans and engage the friend in her stories, and expects her family to be happy about it and bless her little misdaventure.

Her friend's parents think it's a "wonderful adventure." We're talking two girls, both 18, neither finished high school, no jobs going out to Alberta, land of milk and honey, vacancy rate of less than 1% and your average 14oo sq ft bungalow running to over 450,000 on a slow day! LOTS of jobs for unskilled labour... of which she is one. And what job does she pick? The one owned by Tyson - a huge meat packing plant - in a town an hour outside the city.

The spousal unit - her father - seems to be running on Denial. Not a lot has happend on this front. It's seriously depressing.

Using my super research skills I managed to get a whole lot of information out of the company including the fact that no.... rebel girl does NOT have job, nooooo they do not "give away" rent money... and yes indeed she will have to pay it aaaaaallll back. oh and rents start not at $850 all inclusive, but over 1K!! nothing inclusive because... we can!

It's soooo bad at this plant that two people I know... one family, the other friend, both men, have said... that's no effing place for a girl that young, I'll hire her to build houses on my sites, and the other said, I know two guys who will teach her how to drive rock trucks... don't go to the meat packing plant.

And as I pass this all along to the spouse, because said rebel daughter believes I expect her to be a failure in life, his pathetic attempts to talk sense to the girl... have not gone well. As he sat on the couch with his scotch in hand... as she swore at me..

That and a few tense days at the office where my manager has figured out that one of my key suppliers has been systematically over charging me. Great... it would appear that NOTHING is working the way it is supposed to.
And the one close friend who kept me from going completely mad is soooooo wrapped up in his materialistic possessions - he can't see beyond the bike and the boots - is not available for hugs talks and email conversations..... gawd I miss him....

It's in the cards....

When we were at our family reunion, my uncle hired a psychic... a tarot card reader. She was awesome... she had a gentle way about her that was not what I had ever expected someone like that to be. I was quite taken with her. We only had about ten minutes a piece with her, but she struck a chord with me. I wanted to hear more. Tonight was that night.

We spent some time discussing the rebellious teen. That's a whole other blog that one.
We moved on to the spouse... ah the spouse.... The interesting thing with this reading was that it confirmed for me what I had already known and what I had already decided, but needed that other force, or "objective" person to tell me. So with Saturn in the 10th house and Mars shadowing Venus, it would appear that the spouse is afraid, he deals with emotions he can't handle through arrogance and pride, and would rather fall on the sword than seek help.

She said we would be friends. And ya know... as much as this man makes a terrible husband, I suspect that being his friend would be okay. I mean we've got these kids, and he's never gonna be out of my life nor I out of his, so friends ..... has to work.

She told me I would never be alone... that's huge. She told me that the spouse is seriously afraid of being alone, even though when he talks, he claims that being alone is all he wants. hmmm

( I do have another friend who told me my future holds a Mustang GT and a 35 yr old hot guy) now that's psychic!

She also told me that the friend who is now not speaking with me... the friendship that blew up in my face, will come around. That his problem was that he has a serious crush on me and couldn't handle it. perhaps... perhaps not... thought she said the cupid cards were everywhere... ... whatever I'll start with speaking civilly to each other.

Okay... the cards are the cards, shuffle another way and who knows what they would have said. In spite of my own faith, I'll take any kind of positive look right now. It wasn't all roses, she mentioned conflict... no surprise...

How does this stuff work? Where does this kind of intuitiveness come from? I'll take it for now. Any port in a storm ya know?

23 and counting... for a bit more...

Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. The spouse arrived home from his trip to visit the old folks and was pretty much his usual uncommunicative self with the exception that he had his brother in tow and had to do the usual self aggrandizement thing... so no celebration ( as if) not even an acknowledgement... no surprise... and this is what it has come to.

I think back to our wedding day oh so long ago when he promised "to love her forever" and see the man he's become... and wonder where and how it went wrong. I looked at our wedding pictures and saw how happy we were and how much promise we had.. and what we wanted from our lives... and this is what it has come to.

We did have good times, and many of my friends ask me "what was he like? why were you attracted to him? You're so not like him at all... " I too ask myself the same thing. We used to have a lot of fun together... going to movies, eating out, taking in theatre and having fun with the kids. But he stopped being involved. He wouldn't participate.

He came home this afternoon with a new bottle of scotch and 12 imported beers... brother in law had two beers, the spouse managed to down two beers that I saw plus 1/3 of the scotch is gone. I don't know what he's thinking or why he is believing his life sucks. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. A couple of kids who love him in spite of his morosely negative behaviour, a wife who worked her mind and ass off trying to keep it together, a roof over his head that he doesn't have any pride in, as well his health and a job... what more is there to life that really matters? Clearly for him... something. Too bad... really... too bad. It's his loss and his challenge. I have already made the decision not to shoulder it any longer.. It's an anniversary all right... not so happy.

It's not a new year any more

My my... it HAS been some time since I've posted ANYTHING. And how my attitude has changed. Re-reading the last couple of posts I seem to be coming to a change of direction. A new road.

While the idea and concept of "staying married for the kids" is honourable and selfless I don't believe I can do this much longer. Things that happened in the last 8 months have demonstrated to me that I can't stay married to this man and still lead the full life I need and want.

While it all went awry and certain people and events were turned inside out, the end result still proved to me, that this man, the one I've been in a relationship with for twenty three years is pretty much over. We've had months of barely talking to each other, a complete lack of interest in anything I do, and pretty much no respect for who I am as a wife, a mother, a professional, not even a scintilla of a friendship. It's done.

So perhaps this will now be the reporting of how I'm doing as I make my way through that process. I still believe I have to the warrior because I expect a battle. Perhaps he'll surprise me and suggest we do things amicably, but I have my doubts.

So... what else has been going on? The house - of course not nearly done. The "royal staircase" dubbed because he has spent more effort building, staining and playing with the stairs than he has doing anything else. Consequently, the kitchen window that faces the street that broke in March - still broken- the trim work in the bedrooms still not finished... for three years, the bathrooms... well... going on 4! sigh... I finally called our friend who is in the window business and told him to get over here. That will come out of the line of credit.

It's A New Year!

So... we got through the holiday season. It was all right. I believe the spouse was surprised with the leather jacket. He returned the coat and bought a shorter jacket length instead of the 3/4 length Fine by me.
His gifts for me were pretty pathetic. I am sure he must have bought them at the hardware store. I mean if he was going to a hard ware store I would have preferred a nice little drill with a bunch of bits instead of the stuff he did buy me.
From our little one he bought one of those "selection of teas" in a wooden box. TEA??? That's what we buy grannies and old aunts... but to tell your kid to get mom teas in a fancy wooden box? And the little one just went along with it. I don't even believe she went with him when he did his shopping.
Christmas Day was a nice low key affair A friend came over, brought little gifts for all of us. I had planned on getting gift for friend and in the end Husband talked me out of it... WHY do I pay attention to him for all the wrong things.

House is nearly done now.... the big stuff The little things still need finishing. But I am not holding my breath.
The friend noticed Husband's lack of warmth during the day. Selfish kind of things like wanting to play CD made by band that he knows. Well, the Christmas music from CBC radio was rather nice, calming, and creating a more appropriate holiday mood. I very nicely said, "please don't play that music, it just doesn't go on Christmas day ya know?" Friend echoed me, and said, "yeah... leave the Christmas mood music okay? "
Well.... if straight men could have hissy fits - that's what he was having!
It was rather embarrassing to watch this grown man go on and on..."Ok fine... ok whatever you want." It was not pleasant.
Friend looked at me with question of WTF???

Later that evening, the little one picked up guitar to show dad what she had taught herself from reading guitar charts. Rather than praising her, he took the guitar away from her and started playing it in the middle of conversations going on. She asked for it back, and he said "NO, I want to play!" The friend looked at him and said... "C'mon, she just brought it in here to show you what she learned." and again with the hissy fit... "fine! take the guitar! I can't get any respect!"

Friend left - had friends coming over for drinks Christmas Day in the evening. Husband left me to clean up he kitchen and went to sleep off all the beer and scotch he drank.

So as I was cleaning things up, I pretty much decided I can't have another Christmas like this past one. I am thinking that friend must have picked up the vibes. Don't know how uncomfortable he was to be in the middle of this, but I doubt he'll be here for another meal with us!
The key to deciding whether to stay or go is all about the kids. I hear both sides of the argument.
Role models for kids. Is this the marriage they should be looking at as an example? Those who care about me keep telling me if I am not happy I should leave. Perhaps, but it is a selfish decision isn't it? I may not be "happy " in the relationship, but the rest of my life is pretty good. I have really dear friends, a great job, and two kids who deserve to have their father in their lives even if I think he is selfish and not interested in family.

Financially, things are not great. We have no savings except our retirement savings. He has never established savings outside of the funds for retirement - that I know of.
My goal in the next year, is to get out of credit card debt and create my own nest egg that he doesn't have access to. The problem with this, if/when I do leave, it's all part of the matrimonial property to be evenly split. Makes me wonder why I should bother getting out of credit card debt. The cards are all in my name. He has one department store card, and one card for tire place and that's it. All the utilities, EVERYTHING is in my name. So he may as well get half the debt rather than half the assets eh?

I keep thinking I need to see a lawyer and plan. Then do what every walk away does, and just leave one day. The ideal would be to buy another house as close to the house we're in now so kids are not uprooted.
An idea I do like is rather than kids being shuffled between two houses, we the parents should move in and out on a weekly basis. I mean why uproot the kids when it's the parents who need to make changes. Let the kids keep as much stability as possible. If this is an idea that could take off, we'd have condos and townhouses full of part time parents shuffling between the real family home and condos everywhere!

I remember when our young one was still going to the caregiver's home after school, she had kids from one family who switched between parents everyday. And worse, the kids also spent time at dad's girlfriend's house or mom's boyfriend's house. These kids NEVER slept in the same bed two nights in a row. They had duffle bags the size of a suitcase that Japanese tourists bring to Banff with them! That cannot be good. It's selfish.

I really like the idea of mom and dad moving in and out of a home rather than the kids being displaced. There has to be a way to have this catch on. Imagine hearing this at work, "no, I am at the home with the kids this week, how about you come to my part time flat next weekend for brunch. !"
It's an idea whose time has to come! Less stress for kids and mom and dad can just figure it out!
Happy New Year