T - 24 {+ - }

count down to party time - T-24 hours...
40+ women 4 guys in a band...
lots of ciclon punch
Bathroom duty Wednesday AM
appetizer duty Wednesday PM
Manicure and Pedicure... Thursday AM.
Flowers for the table... Thursday post pedicure
Weather.... apparently crappy!
What EvEr!!!
the 'real" date though isn't for another 4 days.

Musings....

Time to get rid of the Ciclon bottle on the side bar. No more free advertising for booze that can not be bought by those who care! Gene Simmons is the man these days. I don't find him in the least bit attractive, (I mean... LOOK at the man - face lift or not!) but I LOVE the show. His son has a killer sense of humour and Shannon Tweed rocks. Can she make that man dance. Listening to her yell GENEIEEEEEE! it's like watching a weird version of I Dream of Jeannie! So Gene Simmons will decorate this space for a bit.

Mother's Day is done. Like my friend over at Annie's Attitude I have a tough time with the whole concept. My spouse never taught his children how to honour their mother, because I suspect he didn't learn this growing up either. Tweeny was her usual Tweeny self, but The Rebel gave me a nice card. It was a little mooshy. She and I are starting to get along... on good days. She is becoming a mature young woman.... sort of... if I could just get her out of the Nike's and into "real girl" shoes.

sigh...

I had asked the spouse for the paint for the bathroom and the hall way as well as the wall repair kits. I told him I was prepared to do the patchwork. I mean how hard can it be? He informed me that I wouldn't do it right. Can you see the eye rolling from where you sit? He proceeded to get the stuff done himself. Man.... if I had realized that all I had to do was say I would do it myself and make as if I was getting ready - things would have been done weeks, no months ago.

My dearest friend is flying up from the home town to come to my party! I had to tell her she had to stay at a hotel what with the spouse taking over the spare room, and frankly, I don't want him back in my bed anyway! The joint line of credit will pay for it I believe. And I will probably have a PJ party and sleep over involving a lot of wine one of those evenings too!

Only 3 days til party time, and I have a TON of stuff to do. Tonight is COSTCO and dessert making night. Cheesecake inside little chocolate cups with saskatoon berry garnish, bread pudding made with my Easter bread leftovers and a bourbon whisky custard sauce. I'll also get the caesar salad dressing made. Tomrrow will be appetizer preparation and clean the bathrooms night. There will be about 35 women in my house. Tweeny is freaked! Rebel has negotiated a pay rate to be my server/slave!

Hockey game tonight. OY! It's gonna be a nail biter. Sens and Sabres. Please no OT tonight! It's too hard to take!

3 days to party time.
How come none of you are coming???!!!

And don't tell me it's cuz I don't have a spare room anymore!

Thirteen on Thursday

13 things I am worrying about

when it comes time to mediate:

1. Spouse will fight about who gets the house.
2. Spouse will fight about where the girls, particularly Tweeny, will spend the majority of their time.
3. Spouse will fight about getting access to my investments.
4. Spouse won't leave when asked.
5. Spouse WILL leave when asked but will leave all his crap behind for me to clean up.
6. Spouse will want to move faster than I am ready to move.
7. Spouse will impose himself on my party even if I ask him not to.
8. Spouse's family will hate my guts.
9. Spouse's family will blame me 100%.
10. Spouse will start drinking again.
11. Spouse will behave like a RAMB during mediation but still refuse counselling.
12. Spouse will behave very well during mediation and that will cause me to wonder what he really wants.
13. Spouse will walk away from everything as if the past 24 years never happened.

AS IF I do ANYTHING about the above? Of course not. It is out of my control. I need to clear out the worries and get this fixed in my brain so I feel safe. (Limbic brain conditioning)

Regardless of what the Spouse does or says, I WILL be fine. I can control what I can control. I need to change my thought patterns and create a positive vibe rather than this worrying vibe.

Besides, I have a party to get ready for. It's in exactly

ONE WEEK!

I have the dress, the shoes and most of the food!
30 people have said they are coming!

Party like it's 1999!!

And So It Goes.

Tweeny had her birthday yesterday. It wasn't a big deal because she wants to have a party at the end of the week, which was fine by me. She didn't want a birthday cake on her day. She only wanted her present. I met her and a good friend and the spouse at a local favourite restaurant. I could see the spouse watching me from the restaurant window as I parked my car. ( his car really - see two posts above) All I could think of as I got out of the car in my high heels and suit was don't effing trip girl. Walk with your head high and a swing in your hips. Let me see what he is giving away! Why bother? I don't know. But it makes me feel better.

I was late arriving home from work - no mother of the year award here - I was speaking at a conference and the schedule was changed at the last minutes. Truth be told as well, dear friends from grad school were at this conference and we had to have a chat and a glass of wine before I left. One of the friends is a devout Catholic. She has met the spouse. She is a very frank woman. Always has been. When she asked.. so Marie.. how's the spouse? I told her.

It continues to surprise me what people tell me now that these wheels are in motion.

"Marie, I always wondered why you married him. You're so "different" You love to be out and about, and he loves to stay home and watch hockey games. He's not a very social type. Ah well, if you tried everything you could and he won't try anything, you really don't have much choice do you?"

She continued,

"Yes Marie, I know you know I am seriously tied to the church, but forever is just too long. People change and we have to take this into account."

She did tell me that after the divorce I should get the annulment. I expect to do that. She cracks me up this woman. I'll see her again for a much longer chat when I fly out to Newfoundland for meetings after the long weekend.

And so it goes. Is there anyone out there beside the spouse's mother who has a little higher regard for him?

If they're there... they're not saying much.

Friday File

The She-barracuda sent off a "yeah yeah yeah" letter to the spouse's suit. It was when I read our names - Marie and Spouse - Matrimonial - and the phrase "marriage breakdown" in the letter I thought ok... it's really real now. This is it. The matrimonial part is like seeing the marriage all in reverse. From a future filled with hope and excitement to today. I can re-run our wedding day almost minute by minute from the time I woke up, no... from the time we got engaged, to the end of that day. Almost twenty four years. While I mostly have accepted this, there are times that it all washes over me and I want to either keep crying over the futility or - smack the spouse.
Really hard!

Tweeny had her school play yesterday. The spousal unit seemed to think I would go with him in his car. Now WHY on earth would he think I would even entertain that thought I have no clue.
He is in such a rush to get the separation going and he thinks I should pretend? It was probably the letter my She-Barracuda wrote that had an effect on me. AS IF I was going to get into his car, or have him in mine. I told the spouse I would see him at the school. I would go on my own. He was rather surprised but he took off out the door and drove away.

I saw him sitting in the audience and I chose to take a seat elsewhere closer to the front of the stage so I could attempt to take pictures. I was planning on using my new digital cam (another whole blog on that!) as well as my (the spouse's actually) SLR manual analog film eating camera.

I was still feeling pretty angry, and I wanted the spouse to know what it will feel like to be alone - to not have me sitting beside him at the children's events bringing him into conversations with people around us. Tweeny expects to see me up front and she was not disappointed. Rebel was with me using her camera as the back up.

Even during intermission, the spouse sat in his chair, didn't talk to anyone and stayed put while I socialized with other parents and Tweeny's friends. At the end of the show, spouse took Tweeny for her usual post performance meal to McDonalds - a tradition for as long as she has been acting, and Rebel asked me to if she could buy me a beer at her favourite local haunt - the pool hall.
So off we split. Neither girl too surprised with the two vehicles. Tweeny with her dad to go to McD's and me with Rebel going for beers. A new way of life is starting to take shape.

Ribs & Ciclon Night - in 13 days. Grocery list all made. 24 YES RSVPs and 4 maybes. Weather count down not for another week yet.

Under Control

I don't have a list today because the party is under control. the She-Barracuda is on the job and I've been kind of occupied trying to get back into the zone on my job. But I had an interesting thing come up and I believe the spousal unit is now realizing what he's done may not be working for him the way he expected.

Many years back when he bought our first Taurus, I had never owned my own car, so the spouse said,

"let's put this one in your name and register it for you and you'll now 'own' the car."

Fast forward about five years when I needed a car for work, because the public transportation system just sucked badly at my then, new work location. So we bought another Taurus, and even though it is mine and I drive it, the ownership and registration are in the spouse's name because I already had a vehicle registered in my name.

Yesterday, spouse asked me for the registration papers for my car. Damned if I know where they are. I am told I should keep them next to the driver's license because if I get pulled over or get into an accident I have to produce them.

MEH!
yeah ,yeah.
whatEvEr.

Spouse then goes on to tell me he has "the paperwork" to change the ownership and registrations for our cars. I had thought about this too, but figured I wasn't going to worry about it. No doubt I will have to sign something in order for our registrations and ownerships to be re-matched. Now, I could play nice and go ahead and do this. But I am thinking I'd like to be a bit bitchy and whacko about this.

My response to signing the exchange papers (aside from EFF that!)

Spouse dear, we have lawyers now. Please take your papers to your lawyer, who will then take them to my lawyer who will keep them until I see her. Once I see her and am advised, only then will I sign or not sign. Oh? the registration is due BEFORE I see my lawyer. OH well. That's the process that has been started and as you have always said, " Let any system and process take care of things, when you don't have control. I lost my control and am in a system and a process. The process will take care of the paperwork at the right time. "

I would almost rather have his car, even though mine is nicer, cleaner and newer by one year. I would trade it in and get the Mustang GT convertible.

In a heartbeat.

'Scopes, Sharks & Shoes.

This was my horoscope today.:

Events that would halt another person in his tracks simply whet your appetite for more. What gives? Are you some kind of superhero or something? Other people are in awe of your abilities, as well they should be.

And this was for the next sign. Because I am at the end of one sign and the cusp of another, I usually follow two signs. Just to keep life interesting.

Surrender the wheel to the universe and you might find that your destination is a lot more fun. Funnily enough, the ride there becomes a lot smoother too. Trust in the process and you'll soon see results.

I really don't believe much in horoscopes, but there is something to be said for these things sometimes isn't there? I have put up with a lot, and I do keep moving. Interestingly, the spouse is a great one for always having told me to "trust in the process" because sometimes - it's all you CAN do.

I am no super hero. I do what I need to get done. I do have to surrender myself and go with the flow.

The shark in a suit rings in at $400 per hour and wants a 5K retainer for starters. OR I could use his Law Clerks for $100 per hour. I think not. In any case he wasn't available at a much earlier date than the She-Barracuda. So the barracuda it will be.

I have started the process. And I have to trust in it.

Only 16 days til Ribs & Ciclon Night.

The RSVPs are starting to roll in. I am getting through the checklist of things to do! I have new shoes too! It's gonna be slammin!

Can a nearly "significantly serious" birthday girl say "slammin?"

Monday Musings

So in the stress of dealing with this separation crap and finding the right counsel, I am also applying for other jobs... as a single mom I am going to need more money right? Two interviews in the next two weeks.

AND my dad has told me he has sold his house and moving... in two months! Fifty years of living have to be cleared out his home.
He didn't react well when I told him of impending life changes at the spousalennuie home. In fact, he didn't really comprehend what I was telling him. No surprise really. He really did believe in "forever" with my mom and to this day is quite bereft. He wants to "have a talk"
with the spouse. I have told him... please do NOT go there. It will be a complete waste of time.
My dear dad is saddened by this, and just doesn't get it.
Welcome to the club!

My siblings have been very good about all my stuff. Truly supportive. When mom was dying one sibling really kept the family together and managed most of the care issues. After my mom died, his mother -in law-died six months later and now his father-in-law is diagnosed with leukemia. He has enough on his plate, I have to go home and help dad. Since I am going to end up with only half a house, I will see what of mom's chine crystal and silver my dad isn't interested in and scoop some of it back to my house. That plus all my mom's photos - year's worth of scrap booking I am sure. A painting or two that I will check on with the sibs and see if they mind if I take them.

I have two professional conferences next month at which I am speaking. One in town and one in Atlantic Canada. Managing all this while trying to move forward with my life and the crap being thrown at me is a tad stressful.

Oh... did I mention - more dental work coming?

The Counsel I want is hugely busy. I've sent her an email with my short term requirements and we'll see what she can do. If the She Barracuda is too busy, I've been given the names of two male sharks Once of whom handled a couple of the local "celebrity" type splits in town... worth millions. Can I afford him? Probably not, but he'll pass me down to an acolyte no doubt.
I am also not without a brain and could probably handle most of the legal paper chase myself rather than pay his people to do it. It's not rocket science and I am fully prepared to do it.

I need the new job for the money.
I like speaking at conferences - I should have been an actor.
I need to go home to help my dad.
I need new teeth... a woman "out there" without teeth.... not a pretty sight!

It's getting the priorities straight.
I know what they are - not to worry.

Friday File

I have a significant birthday coming up. Along with that comes a whole of ..... issues. At first I thought I might be EEK! pregnant! Then quickly realized it would have to have been immaculate conception, and that's been done. And really.... I doubt I am the type for a second go-round.

It's hormones... TWEENY in reverse. I love being a woman most days... but these days... and with all else going on... including job hunting if you can believe it.... hormones are running amok! Have you done the test?

10 ways to know if you have estrogen issues

1. Everyone around you has a serious attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips - dark chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The Dryer has shrunk every last pair of jeans that you own.
4. The spousal unit is suddenly agreeable every time you say something.
5. You're calling those 1-800 numbers every time you read a bumper stick that asks" "How's my driving?
6. Everyone's head looks an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to look like an alien life form.
8. You can't believe you can't get a tampon bigger than Super Plus except at the "Fantasy Adult Party Stores".
9. You're sure everyone is scheming to drive you round the bend into whacko-land.
10. The bottle of ADVIL you bought yesterday is empty today.

Thirteen on Thursday

A girl has to get into a party frame of mind.

What 13 things need to get done for the Ribs & Ciclon Girls Night Out?

1. Evites to go out this weekend.
2. Get the rental stuff done - punch bowls, glasses, and other party ware that I don't have.
3. Ask friend neighbour down the road, the caterer, to help with appetizers.
4. Call dessert caterer.. I am only one woman and can only do 5 or six desserts before then.
5. Call the rib place for the take out ribs.
6. Buy booze in stages... ciclon, bellini, beer, wine, pop, and sparkling water.
7. Find some vegetarian food for the veggie girls.
8. Plan the house cleaning.
9. Get daughters to help burn CDs for music when Andre and the band are off duty.
10. Floor plan.
11. Learn how to work your new digi-cam
12. Buy a bunch of disposable cameras for friends to take photos during the event - back to potential digi cam disasters.
13. Tell spousal unit - to disappear unless he relishes being taken apart by 50 pairs of evil, hormonally charged women waiting to take him apart. Note to self :Would this directive have more impact if it came in the form of a letter from the she-barracuda-suit in legal language?

kidding people.....
just kidding!
well.. not really but even I wouldn't waste money like that when I could waste it on a party! sheesh.

And Bonus thing...
shoes... you need new shoes for the new dresses.

Monday Musings

The legal front - Saw my personal lawyer who dealt with the letter from spouse's lawyer in a phone call while I sat in her office.

"Really colleague," she said," take the chill down. My client has been emotionally drained by your client and needs to find the right representation. The legal suit she wants is in court battling another rattassmoronspouse, and when she is done, she'll give you a call. In the meantime, my client has chosen a mediator and your client will play along. The barracuda chosen by my client will call you when she has a moment. So.... tell your client to take a pill and relax. "

All into voice mail. It was a pleasure to witness. AND it cost me nothing.... so far.

Our first dispute will be around the real separation date. Apparently you can be living together but legally separated. This will affect how my pension and investments are managed. This will be my first cost of about $600. to have this done. Shall see how the She-Barracuda-suit decides I need to handle this. I will leave it to her to give me advice on this one as it is the all important one.

I felt much better leaving her office as I now seem to have things in hand and feel somewhat in charge again. I realize I need to be in charge. It was such a beautiful day - sunny and hot actually. I went to the trendy part of town, sat myself down at a patio and had a beer and a bite after this and enjoyed the sun and people watching. Some man started chatting me up and wanted to pay for my drink but I had already paid the waitress. The waitress came and told me after that he had asked her who was the "hot woman was sitting alone who seemed to be enjoying life." I had to laugh. It made my day. I think the stuff I learned at the workshop my be paying off. I must be giving off some kind of positive energy. How cool is that?

More on being in charge-

I took a couple thousand out of the joint line of credit to start paying for pension crunching and deposits on lawyers. I've rarely used the joint line of credit. The spouse seems to believe it is his personal property. He doesn't manage his money very well. He'll take three quarters of his paycheque and put it against the line of credit and then not have any walk around cash. He then goes back to the lofc and withdraws. He was quite taken aback when he saw that I had helped myself.

I went to the bank to get pre-approval for a mortgage. I walked out with pre-approval AND my own line of credit for a hefty sum so that was a bonus.

Was into serious retail therapy yesterday. Bought a dress and another dress: One (tomato and ivory coloured swishy thing) for the two weddings I have to attend this year... Calgary and California here I come! AND one ... just because I had to have it... zebra print... black and white number... it's so me! I also bought a few little items of clothing, as well as a pair of new sandals for work. This doesn't take into the account the three tickets I bought for Phantom of the Opera in the loge seats... This was before I got the line of credit amount I might add!

I find retail therapy to be good for the stress of dealing with ratassmoronspouses!

Expensive but therapeutic.

It's NOT a pity party!

Barbecued Ribs & Ciclon Punch Night.
May 17th
6:00 PM - whenEvEr

Girls night To celebrate a very *serious* birthday
in a very Not Serious way

Music by the Red Light Band

Food by Marie and Lone Star Cafe
Barbecued ribs, potato salad Marie's killer Caesar salad,
and of course... desserts... lots and lots of desserts

No need to bring anything else except - a lawn chair - we fully expect summer to be nearly here and a pair of sunglasses - so you can be anonymous in the photos on my Facebook page!

It will be time to celebrate friendship, life and new beginnings at that specific life marker.

Guys... if you're reading... I could make an exception on the girls only rule... ... maybe... (wink wink)

Mosaic pictures

"Picking up the pieces is easier when you realize that you can make a lovely mosaic from the remains. Believe it or not, one day you'll soon be grateful that this didn't work out when you see the results from its demise. "

This was my horoscope on Thursday as I was starting to deal with details. It's quite a lovely picture if I can continue the metaphor. This is the refrain I have been hearing from absolutely everyone. Pieces can turn into a mosaic. It WILL be better.

And then further down a little more of the same as I continued on the horoscope page. I have been doing a fair bit of listening today.

"Listening to someone is never a waste of time, no matter how impatient you may feel. What is a waste of time is making a hasty decision that turns out to be the wrong decision -- and then you have to go back and start all over again. You need to be more patient right now, and focus on research and planning rather than taking action. Put in the time it takes now to make the right choices, and listen to the opinions of people who care about you. "

The phone calls and friends who've emailed and who've said... "anything, anytime... " and the great pity is, I know the spouse doesn't have this.

But he can't be my concern any longer can he?

Thirteen on Thursday

I guess I am still angry.
Why?

1. Because he is forcing me to make changes that even though I KNOW I have to .... I don't want to.
2. The Rebel and Tweeny are being forced to make changes that they should not have to make.
3. He believes this is the "natural order" of things... "I am weird, I can't think of what else to do so this must be the path."
4. "I'm fine... I don't need therapy - there is NOTHING wrong with me."
5. "This is the way it has to be because there is no other way."
6. The fact that he never once asked me what I wanted and really - never respected any of my choices.
7. The damn house... the unfinished nature of every project he has started since 2001 is the indicator of his state of mind.
8. And if I keep the damn house - which I wish to do - for the Rebel and Tweeny - I will get stuck fixing his messes.
9. His complete lack of faith in ANYTHING - including himself.
10. The stories he spins to prove his point.
11. His revision of our history - THIS one really frosts my nose!
12. The fact that he wants my money when I supported him when he couldn't be bothered taking a job as waited for the perfect offer.*
13. His alcoholic, dismissive, condescending selfishness that make him believe - this is *right & just*

It isn't.
But HE isn't going to change his mind. He has checked out. LONG ago.

So... I breathe.... low & slow, I'll earn to reprogramme my reactions, change my subliminal messages and move on so I don't make the same freakin mistake again. Until I get to that point I need a punching bag and very big bat. It sure beats smashing dishes on the ceramic floor.

The Process Starts

As I notify "the local girls network" of all that is commencing the referrals for suited up sharks is making it's way in. I have an appointment to see my personal counsel next week. She's the one who takes care of my personal business - the will and stuff. I have my list in hand and will see what she has to say about the various suits - all men - on my list.

The specialist I have engaged for divorce financial planning - woman - has me geared to get the pension stuff going, (actuary assessments). HOWEVER, we can't do that unless I have an "official" date of separation, because the law says - even when you're co-habiting if a spouse has "checked out" mentally you can be considered separated. So first thing my personal counsel will do is check on spouse's separation date.

Now here's the thing - which check out date is the most relevant in my circumstance? Frankly - I believe it's November 13th 2000 when he hit me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you" bullshit and the "it's not you it's me" crap. Or should it be October 19, 2005 when I said "no" to sex at 1:00 AM in the morning and he turned his back on me like a petulant adolescent and wouldn't ever discuss why MY needs ( sleep on a week day night) were as important as his needs for sex. For spouse I believe his date will be December 2006 since he's quoted it at me at least three times. The night Rebel yelled get a divorce already!

That's the first question for my not as yet hired shark.

Spouse is apparently interested in mediation. The real answer here is NO he isn't but his lawyer is wisely telling him to do so. So... I will consider this as it is far less costly, HOWEVER I will be sufficiently coached by my not as yet hired shark to ensure I get what I can. AND we will hire the mediator I choose NOT the one his suit recommends.

Now for the
SHE IS TOTALLY ONE WHACKED CRAZY LADY
paragraph.

I took the lawyer's letter very carefully out of its envelope by steaming it open. I replaced the lawyer's letter with a couple of old notes from my stack of papers in an old file to make it look full. I then re sealed the envelope by using some of my scrap booking double sided tape and put the envelope back on the kitchen counter AS IF I hadn't opened yet. It's a sick game but I am enjoying myself as the spouse keeps re positioning the letter AS IF to get my attention, because of course, he is too much of a coward to hand it to me like a real man. As he keeps repositioning the envelope, so do I keep keep hiding it on the table or moving it to other spots "inadvertently"

Sick and sad... but mostly - from an observer's point of view I keep wondering..
"what's he gonna do next?"

So why am I doing this?
What is my motivation?
I suspect anger mostly. Just to piss him off. I am hoping, that in the end he'll call his suit, the suit will up the ante and then I can have my not yet hired shark tell the spouse's suit that he's full of shit - we dealt with this a week ago, so take it down a thousand and we'll get back to you!

It's control I want to be back in control, even if I am raging against what is being "done" to me. Even though I know intellectually it's for the best. But my brain is telling me to stay safe. It's gonna take work.

Back to low and slow breathing.

Changing my mind

So this weekend workshop was pretty fascinating. The point being made by the teacher was that the limbic brain - the part of the brain between the brain stem and the cerebral cortex - is the part that controls most of our reactions to daily life. If we can understand how the limbic brain works, we can understand *why* we do what we do.

The limbic brain is the part that is second oldest in terms of evolution. While the brain stem controls the automatic things we do - breathing, heart beat, the limbic systems control emotions and reactions. Fight or flight responses and feelings.

So take it a step further - emotions are all chemical reactions. The limbic system prefers safe to different - so *most * of our behaviours are programmed at the cellular level through chemical reactions from our emotions from before our own time. They are genetic imprints. So even if what we are doing does NOT make sense, our limbic system is saying subconsciously to keep doing it,because you survived it, you are safe. That is all it knows. And this conditioning is not reflective of time or circumstance. It doesn't recognize these. It only understands safe survival.

So... changing these deeply held patterns and programmes is very hard to do, because of the body's need to survive and be safe. Anything new or different is not safe.

So re-programming has to take place at a really deep level so that - we can change patterning that we have no control over, so that our limbic system learns to understand what the *new* safe is, and the chemical reactions causing emotions and reactions can be dealt with.

It's waaaaaay more complicated than this, and it takes more than a two day workshop to get this kind of stuff managed. But she has some hard core scientific evidence for her work. Based on her own health when traditional medical science didn't work.

Much of this patterning and conditioning is in utero - it's chemical and is passed on, and it's in place before we are five years old. AND MOST of any reaction we have can be traced somehow to conditions in our childhood. (one more thing we parents get the blame for... but... any example we looked at this weekend all fit!)

Interesting thing about the attendees at this workshop. One adorable married couple who wanted to improve their relationship, the rest... women like me either going through significant change in relationships or on the other side and want to ensure they don't screw up again.


I had my first taste of these safe and fright or flight feelings this evening. There is a letter on the kitchen table from the spouse's lawyer. I have not had the courage to open it. My heart started to race as soon as I saw the return address. My initial reaction was to tear it to shreds. Intellectually I know this is not a good response. I don't feel safe, I want to run away both mentally and physically. I started to use some of the techniques I learned this weekend to get myself under control and to keep telling my sub conscious mind that I was safe. I wasn't going to die if I opened the letter.

I still haven't opened it and probably won't until I get to my therapy appointment tomorrow. But I can breathe again, and I feel calm and not as if I will kick the spouse in the gut...... today.

The time to "lawyer up" seems to have arrived.

NO list and NO happily ever after.

I had nothing for a list today. The never ending snowfalls and freaky cold wind must be stopping the creative list flowing ideas.

Not a lot to talk about I found out that the spouse has seen a lawyer and I even know who it is. The guy apparently practices family law almost exclusively so he is probably good at his work. Downtown law practice that is not close to be reasonably priced. Spouse must be concerned.

The question I have, and it is an irrelevant question - how in the hell did the spouse find this guy? I expect perhaps the divorcing males on his hockey team know him; perhaps the guy plays on his hockey team, or someone at the spouse's work knew him and recommended him. The spouse is not known for his networking skills. As I say... irrelevant because his side is dealt with. I still am not rushing to hand over money to any suit- male or female, in spite of what several of the girls have told me.

So lesson for me, I will need someone as knowledgeable if not more so because you see, I've always earned more than the spouse and I know he is going to come after my pension and investments. Because the law says 50/50 split all the way, I am not really happy about this. I want someone who will, in spite of the law, tell the spouse to keep his own pension and my contribution to his pension through my spousal contributions and not touch my own pension and investments.

I really do not want to fight about this. However I believe the spouse wants: the house, custody of the girls and my pension and investments. AS IF! is all I have to say.

So... off I go to find myself a shark. A real shark. The spouse has serious grudges and has rewritten much of our history - and given his comments to me in the last few months when he does actually look at me and speak- tell me he wants to push-HARD!

As this is going on, one of my favourite "young ones" at the office is newly engaged. She's a sweetie, and I was the one who first hired her. She's nearly 28 years old, was given bling of monumental proportions... and the man she is planning to marry has been married twice before and has had two cohabitation failures. She has had her own challenges with this man, never mind the fact they are keeping up a long distance thing. She caught me on a bad day, when she asked about the spousal ennuie, and I gave her a simplified version of the latest truth.

I suggested to her a pre nuptial contract. And ya know... give this young one a whole lotta credit.

"Marie," she said, "I may be madly in love, and he gives good bling, but stupid I am NOT! We are working on a legal piece of paper as you and I speak!"

In a way it's really too bad that this is what the young ones are thinking about . However, if I had known and if had been the thing that was done 24 years ago I might have done the same.

So much really for happily ever after.

Monday Musings:

My spouse has a feminine side. He eats far more chocolate than I do. Far more. In fact 90% more. I tend to eat chocolate more on a cyclical basis. Easter was not the right time. I ate more spinach dip than chocolate. Spouse was quite perturbed with Rebel and Tweeny ate "his" chocolate eggs. Do you see the eye rolling? A man shouldn't be so upset when his children - girl children- eat all the chocolate. I can't think that this is normal man behavior.

It's damn cold. Snowing a lot. It melts the ground as soon as it hits, but so what. I shouldn't be needing to sweep snow off my car two days after Easter Sunday. Global climate change? Where exactly???
The new computer is in the house. Don't know how he did it but he did. A nice quiet machine this is. Not a sound - the last one had a higher decibel count than my vacuum cleaner. This one - not even sure it's on! I am re-connected! whew! I am still looking at my own laptop though. I need my own machine. Too many things going on in my life where I need to be writing or be connected. I am thinking I should go out get the Dell! soon! And then call the phone;/cable people and get the wireless router and high end encryption bits done.

I bought a very, very, very expensive handbag at the artisans craft fair on the weekend. I mean seriously, outrageously expensive. It's a thing of beauty, a work of art, and more importantly - it holds my stuff... all the lipsticks, the cellphone, debit receipts, wallet, frequent shopper cards, loonies and twoonies, and the keys!

I LOVE my new handbag. Available in the all over Canada and even in the US too. I have a list of at least three more that I MUST have! She couldn't find her calculator and couldn't charge me the 15% taxes so I actually SAVED money on this one!

Karen Wilson

We girls always find a way to save!

Spring Easter and Renewal

I said last year, I didn't want to be in the same place this year. Sigh..
However, while I am sort of in the same place I am not really. My head is pretty straight, but I am still not out of the marriage.

It's no big deal to me really. I just refuse to be thrown out of Dodge. The spouse believes he will get the house and ergo full custody of girls. I waver between letting him have it, and wanting to fight tooth and nail on both issues.

But it is Easter weekend, or as Rebel refers to it, "the all church weekend," because we are in church everyday starting with Thursday evening Vespers service, Good Friday service, Blessing of the Easter Food service on Saturday and Matins and Easter Liturgy Sunday morning.

Easter is usually my favourite time of year. It's an easy holiday to prepare for from the mom point of view. It's a brunch prepared ahead of time, mostly; easy to decorate the house, and no big deal in terms of treats except a couple of chocolate bunnies and easter eggs.

I love the liturgical services. Serious and mournful songs until Saturday, and then a bright change in tone from minor keys to major keys on Easter Sunday. You can usually feel spring in the air, (not this year... it has been snowing all weekend!) and you can sense change.

At our Toastmasters meeting at work this week, one of our members gave her all important tenth speech which finishes her basic programme. She talked about forgiveness. Forgiving her mother for her alcoholism and how it liberated her from her own demons.

Forgiveness and Easter seem to go together. It got me thinking about how I really need to start thinking about forgiving the spouse for breaking apart my family, for tearing our relationship to shreds, and for his disregard for what he has done. It would seem that forgiving him would be a step in the right direction and getting over the anger. I really believe that he thinks that a divorce is going to "set him free." Set him free from "what" is the question. Not really my problem except for how that will directly affect my daughters and their relationship with him.

As I have noted soooooo many times before, it's really not me who is the problem. He won't be set free from anything because he is so lost. He really is his own worst enemy.

Easter for him, is a non event. His lack of spirituality, his lack of belief in anything is sad. Even now, crappy marriage, bad ending, I still have a sense of joy for a new season, a new time. Easter does that for me.

I hope you too have some of that sense of joy.

Happy Easter!

13 Things going through your mind when the hard drive is FRIED

Again! It happened. The hard drive on the latest new computer has crashed and burned. Seriously burned. Like nothing left. I am at the public library (again) catching up on my emails and stuff.
so... what goes through your head?

1. Turn the damn thing on anyway and let's just double check. Great! Another chip just got fried!

2. Take the digital camera - just purchased - and just put it away somewhere. AS IF you'll use it this year now!

3. Back ups?

4. RE-learn how to use the long distance function on the telephone.

5. Telephone book? What'a a telephone book?

6.Try and remember where they sell stamps. No e-Easter Greetings this year!

7. Easter on Epicurious.com. Good luck with that.

8. Daily treks to the library to use computers - ... um... no I do NOT have a reservation for a computer... I can go online to reserve? CLOSED???? Good Friday, Easter Sunday AND MONDAY!!!!!! argh... self bangs head against keyboard.

9.Go into new ennuie as the spousal unit attempts to repair rather than write a cheque!

10. Help Rebel and Tweeney deal with the stress of no Facebook, Myspace or IM! Girls, let's bite the ears off as many chocolate bunnies as we can. I have about 20 right here.

11. Start shopping for my own laptop with warranty and cute young nerd who comes to the house to fix it. ( wink wink!)

12. Create a wireless home network and buy one extra computer for back up!

13. Crack open the bottle of Dalwhinnie purcahse duty free on the way back from Baltimore, sip twice and go into back up denial!