While away.. Tweeny did play!

I was very tired on Thursday night in Baltimore after travelling, meetings, and a not too late dinner. I sent the Rebel a text, and hit the pillows hard. I was probably fast a sleep two seconds after that. When... my cell phone started ringing. I thought it was morning and the radio was on... but no... it was the cell.

"Marie? It's Joanne... Victoria's mom Long story short," she says, " it would seem our girls snuck out of your house and are outside somewhere. I've been calling your land line and no one is picking up"

"Joanne? Let me wake up, " I replied most groggily and yet thinking WTF??? " Did you just say the girls are not at my house."

"NO! The cops are at the neighbours and their daughter isn't home. She thought they were here with Victoria. I've been calling and calling. Can you check?"

"Um... Joanne... I am in Baltimore!"

The F-sharps started!

SO with a racing heart I finally woke up, and told Joanne, I'd get the Rebel on the phone - get her to get home ASAP and find out what the bloody hell the spousal unit was doing that he hadn't checked up on the girls before he went to bed!
I got the Rebel on her cell, and she had just walked into the house.
Turns out Tweeny and company must have been plotting from what the Rebel said.
Rebel found her dad - the spouse of mine who really didn't get it. I told Rebel to get the dad into a car and drive around. Rebel was fit to be tied because she had been duped by the little Tweeny!

"Don't worry mom!
I'll find that little brat and kill her for you!"

I called Joanne back and told her what was going on. Then I waited. And waited. And waited.

I just finished getting dressed again, thinking I'd go have a scotch or three while waiting to hear back from home when the phone rang. It had only been fifteen minutes. Joanne calling to tell me that Rebel had found the girls, in a park not far from home with three bratty boys... also let out. Spouse grabbed them all threw them into his station wagon and read the riot act. One boy ran away!

"Oh Marie.. gotta go," said Joanne "Vicki just walked in, I have to go decide whether to beat that kid to death or just use slow torture while yelling my face off! "

I called Rebel on her phone. They were to drive the other little one home and she put on SUCH a show for the spouse that he relented and brought her back to our house. I shake my head. Rebel said

" You're lucky mom isn't here or this would have played out very very differently!"

I could hear the spouse going on in the background.

So I was back in bed by 1:45 AM... the whole episode lasted less than 45 minutes. I think it was probably about three AM before I finally slept. Up this morning at 6:45 Am for an 8:30 AM start.

sigh...

and Did the spouse even think to talk to me, to tell me the plan for the Tweeny who is off school today because of teacher's PD? Did he call to suggest how he wished to manage her this Friday evening as he goes off for his regular hockey game? And what was she doing all day?

sigh...

The kid isn't going to have another sleepover til she's married!

Congratulations.... You are an official statistic!

As I meanderingly make my way to the separate state I am learning that:

1. It's bloody expensive
2. I'm clearly not the only one. MacLean's Magazine had an article I read at the dentist's office yesterday morning called The 27 Year Itch from January 29th, 2007.

Back to point 1:
To get all the financials together you need to have someone crunch numbers on the pension plan, investments and assets. That means having an actuary do the work. Actuaries cost around $500 per consultation. This is NOT included in the lawyer's fees which run about $1500 - $2000. BUT a good actuary will do the "his & her" special for about $75 less per plan. *She rolls her eyes! * I am SO in the wrong business. It's too bad I find lawyers tiresome on a good day and can't do math without a calculator. Figuring out taxes and tips at restaurants is something I do with a cheat sheet for pete's sake!

Money that was supposed to have been used to finish the house stuff. I guess for him, getting out of the The spousal unit has apparently done all the above. WHatEvEr. AND paid for it too. HMMMmarriage is more important than ensuring that the house looks decent.

Again I say.... WHatEvEr!

Point 2:
It would seem for men.... getting out a marriage is all about " it's not working for me." For women it's I can't stand having him around me any more. And they're splitting up in droves, after 25, 30 and even 47 years of marriage. Interestingly though, as several studies have shown through the years... second marriages don't usually fare any better. ( shoot me first .... puh-leeese before even entertaining that thought!) In fact subsequent marriages are usually doomed to failure. It would seem we are entering the realm of the serial marriage.

and what else....

I haven't done my taxes yet... I have 33 days to go... no rush. The tax return will NOT be used to pay for the all season radials. Nor will it be used to pay for legal counsel. Nor will it be used to pay for the very expensive teeth. (see previous post!) No... no... no... the tax return will be used to pay to party.... May 17th is coming up quickly!

I am heading to Baltimore on business til Sunday. Tweeney has laid claim to my bedroom with the queen bed , and oh so comfortable duvet for a sleepover with a friend! The duvet went back on the bed after the spouse left the bedroom. He hated it. I love it. I am sleeping so much better these days. But... I digress.

I have to also leave a note for Rebel to tell her I don't want her sleeping in my room when I am away. The GALL of these children of mine! They don't even change the sheets either!

I might get a chance to post, and I may not. I've been asked to blog for my professional blog, so if there is time to spare I'll bring you news from down south!

Would a 23+ year marriage be considered a *starter* marriage?

Matters of the tooth!

SO was at the dentist's office today. Part of my own tooth that was left cracked - right down the middle. I now have a new hole in my mouth. Lovely expensive crown - REMOVED. Rest of my bad tooth - REMOVED!

I am now up for two implants in my mouth... One on my very front tooth, and one on this miserable back molar.

"Sheer bad luck" said my regular own dentist guy. Turns out Dr Baghdad was right! Tooth had to go! sigh...

Implants. BEFORE the crown -
at least $2000 x 2 needed $4000
Two crowns.,...
at least $1000 x2 need $2000
total cost of two teeth... $6000

total cost covered by dental plan -

Steel crowns NOT porcelain ( AS IF!) $500

Implants covered to the cost of a bridge or other means... - $1000

Out of pocket price - $4500!!!

Thank goodness for lines of credit and dental payment plans.

So... I was going to build a deck this summer... cost? $25000

Lawyer.... fees... ah that's a blog for the next time.

HMMM build a deck... get new teeth... let me think on it... summer is coming... need somewhere to put the barbecue...

Sunday Silly

I found it...

And you thought there was no such place, huh????



Comes in handy.
I'll not be without one.
Very handy as one starts the process of
dealing with a lotta of THIS as we plan new lives!!!

Romantic Policies?

This was my horoscope yesterday:

Romance can be exhilarating and passionate if you're willing to take a chance.
It's time to speak up about your needs. If the quality of your love life isn't up to par,
you need to enforce your own romantic policies.

WTF??!

I have no clue what a romantic policy is never mind enforce one! Anybody have an idea?
The policies I know are the ones I have to write for work, and I use a policy writer.
Any of you write policies on the aforementioned topic?

I clearly need a hand.

Drama with the tooth.

I had to see a dentist again. An.. emergency 1-800 type thing what with my own dentist away on March break (sigh) Got a little nervous I have to say when I saw his dental degree was from.... wait for it.... University of Baghdad!! really!

It got worse as he looked at the x-ray of my lovely new week old $1000 crown and stood there shaking his head going tut tut. So? I asked...
and the dentist-from-Baghdad says...

"that tooth is going to have to go...
you have abscess all the way down to the root.
Not worth saving."

Now I don't know about anyone else but when it comes to needles, drills and other instruments of torture used by dentists... you gotta go with the guy you have a long term relationship with, ya know? So I got a little, okay, totally petrified.

OY!

But then he said,

"but that's your dentist's decision.
Today, I will fix the infection, and give you anti-biotics."

I relaxed substantially! yesssssss! drugs!

As we talked ... I got to like his style. I asked him about life in Baghdad... Fascinating city Baghdad *used* to be... very cultured, very bustling.

He fixed me up with drugs, pain killers, a new tooth brush, Crest, a key chain, a pen, and Trident gum! Better swag than the guy I've been seeing for the last 20 years! If you need a dentist and you're where I am I recommend him. The swag alone is worth the visit! I ended up leaving very impressed.

My guy needs to be worried!

The spousal unit went on again about how I "left things too long." I looked at him and said,

"that really isn't the case at all. I left it for many other reasons, none of which you cared to know about it, so please do not make assumptions about me and my life when you clearly are not interested in the why."

All said very politely and without rancor. Just stating the facts. Because it comes down to just facts these days.

Tooth update? The lovely expensive computer generated crown has a crack in it. It will be replaced.... at no charge. This little molar of mine is truly becoming the most expensive thing I own!

Thirteen on Thursday

13 things to do because spring is here!

1. Send the fur back to storage for another year... see you in November!
2. Need to buy all season radials for the Taurus and change from the snow tires... I think we're done here.
3. Winter boots into a box into the basement! After cleaning and inspecting for need to replace ( oh please can we replace?
4. Flannels sheets back to the back of the linen closet... til the air conditioner kicks. in!
5. Remove lining from the leather jacket... pack into the Fall bag.
6. Squirrel damage review of tulip beds... damn critters!
7. Open the windows let the fresh ( +45 F) weather into the house!
8. Switch winter and spring/summer closets ( warn the spousal unit who is sleeping in the room where the clothes are stored... ( or NOT!).
9. Inventory the clothes... send old stuff to Sally Ann!
10. Time to shop! Need to replace clothes sent to Sally Ann.
11. Dark beer out... light beer in!
12. DROP the gym membership... walk outside... call those people at the Running Place.. resist temptation to buy the running uniforms!
13. Time to start planning the BIG party... for May... get the invitation list ready for the E-Vite site! May 17thhh the BIG DO!!!

woo hoo!

And what are YOU doing to get ready for spring!?

Weekend ponderings.

A quiet weekend for me. ( except. more tooth problems... that's an entirely other post!) Spouse went out to a St. Paddy's party with "the kids" where he was in charge of barbecuing ribs. He took his bottle of scotch with him. It came home two thirds empty. Tweeny had a couple of girls sleeping over so I stayed home instead of going out scrap booking and finally found some time to chat on IM! I noticed that one particular individual hasn't pinged me in some time. He must be waiting for me to ping him first! He knows who he is if he is reading this...Hint - lives in Massachusetts and has always been right... I hate when they're right... but he's right!

And as usual, Spouse didn't walk in the door until nearly 7 AM. Now I don't know if it's just me, or what... but the adults I know don't stay out all night. The adults I know seem to understand their limits and behave like the adults and *parents* that they are supposed to be.

Rebel was at home for a change and snorted about her dad thinking he was *so cool* because he stayed out all night.

"There's just something not right about it mom," she said. "Like what does he think? Does he think he's one of them? I mean doesn't he know he is a dad and nearly old?"

What can I tell her? I tried to think like a counsellor again, and suggested that she ask her dad these questions herself. I asked her if she found his behaviour embarrassing just strange or something else? Why did it bug her? She said that yep... embarrassing it is to know your dad thinks he is a party animal when he is the one that you're supposed to be looking to to set an example. She didn't articulate quite that way, but it's what she meant.
So I told her that she needed to have the conversation with her father, because if I said anything, he wouldn't believe me, and he would think I was projecting my own values and judgements on him. He needed to know what she thought of him and his behaviour.
The question is I wonder : does he care what this oldest child of thinks about his actions?

The Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtle movie starts THIS Friday - the 23rd. Rebel is counting down. We're going. Tweeny is rolling her eyes. Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo...

cowabunga dudes!

Friday File

Facebook

For those of you who got the Facebook invitation... My apologies. That was NOT my intention. As I was experimenting how the thing worked ( in my business I have to not just know the technology but use it too!) I inadvertently sent out invitations to EVERYONE in my Hotmail address book. Some of you are in there... many of you are not. My two worries were.... Spouse would get an invitation to "be my friend" as would former friend. I was mortified by the thought of either thinking they were my "friend"
I shut down the spouse I think...I blocked what I could of my own Facebook file. As for the former friend... I double checked my address book, and I had deleted him. The thought that he would think I wanted him as a friend was enough to send me to find the scotch bottle. That in and of itself was not a good thing to know or feel.

As for the rest of you who may have the invitation... (she rolls her eyes quite dramatically) feel free to delete it.
Though as an experiment in social networking on the wave of Web 2.0 it has been fascinating to see the threads of connection that people are making there.

St. Paddy's Day.

Last year I witnessed former friend become totally obliterated pouring down the Guinness while I awkwardly spent the evening at spouse's side at the well known Irish pub in town. We were out and about mid afternoon and by 8 PM... there were far too many crazy, idiot, happy drunks around. Spouse and I each had our cars. I drove the friend to a pub near home. Spouse followed and the two of them drank away the evening while I remained an adult and went home for some green pancakes.

I decided this year, in honour of St. Paddy's - I will colour my wine green, stay away from the beer and the pubs, and head out for an evening of scrapbooking with the girls. Far more civilized and entertaining I think.

Movies

Saw a fabulous movie... Lies and Alibis. A little sleeper of a movie. it was a great con game. on DVD.

Rent it!

The Rebel wants me to take her to see - are you ready for it - The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie!
We used to watch the fab four when she was little. She loved Michelangelo. I couldn't tell them apart save for their head bands! It must be bringing back some memories for her.
Review forthcoming.

Good weekend friends!

Thirteen on Thursday.

There are always *exceptions* to rules and ideas.
So to continue from last week's list...

Today's Thirteen...

You can take anything you want from the house when you leave EXCEPT:

1. The black, white or grey towels that match the bathroom upstairs, PUL_EEASE help yourself to the hot pink, green and yellow towels. Beach towels - not included.
2. The oatmeal and navy blue towels that match the powder room on the main floor.
3. The piano (as badly damaged and out of tune as it is!)
4. The book case you made for me me instead of giving me an engagement ring (in the end got that too)
5. The desk my mom bought at auction and gave me ( you hate that desk anyway!)
6. CD collection - exception within the exception - the 25 or so discs out of the 300 or so that are really *yours* including the ones given to you as gifts that you haven't even opened yet!
7. The bedding that fit the (my) queen sized bed - regardless of colour.
8. The china I started to collect 8 years before we even met.
9. The crystal whiskey glasses. ( most girls have crystal wine glasses..... not me!)
10. One television set... I don't even care which one - or - you take the two small for the one large!
11. The computer, of course, with all software intact
12. All the children's furnishings... (and their bedding!)
13. The Taurus... oh wait... my Taurus is in your name and yours is in my name... better idea.. take them both and I'll get my Mustang.

I know there is more...
but enough is enough....
for now!

The Royal Stairs.

I have a good friend whose husband spends more time "playing" in his Ford Expedition Truck than he does anything else. He's in the movie business and carries all his equipment in the truck. Therefore it has to be ship shape for all his location work around the big city and environs. It has a better alarm system than their house. She is very jealous of the truck and has dubbed it "The Royal Truck." because of the lavish attention it gets. We have a set a stairs like that truck.

I was chatting with the Rebel on Saturday afternoon and we got into a discussion about her father, my spousal unit. She said she didn't like asking him to take her anywhere because:

"all he ever does is grunt when I am in the car with him. I just can't have a conversation with him mom."

And then it got into more interesting waters.

"What's his problem anyway? Why is he so grumpy all the time?"

"I really don't know, " I told her, " but it does seem that he is not a happy man. I'm sorry about that for you. Does it upset you?" I asked using my best counselling voice learned at the chair of my own said counsellor.

" It's just hard to know when he's okay and when he isn't" said Rebel " I mean. here's another thing that bugs me, and I don't know why you don't anything any more. He's stopped fixing things just as they started looking good. Like those stairs. Man he slaved on those stairs and didn't finish the last little pieces. What's up with that?"

Rebel was referring to Spouse's renovation of the staircase going to the second floor of the house. The spouse tore off the carpets, rebuilt the treads himself, and then mixed his own stain colour, stained and varnished the stair treads and banisters. They do look nice And he is quite proud of his handiwork and seems to think the only reason come to visit is to admire the staircase. But he didn't finish small bits of trim and repair work around the stairs. It's just typical.

"You know mom, Dad is so not part of this family. He really should just go find somewhere else to be, ya know?"

What's a spouse with ennuie supposed to say to that? Using counsellor technique again, I replied " well kid, I AM sorry you feel that way. I hope it doesn't hurt or make you feel too sad. I wish I could do something about how your dad feels, but I can't. He has to figure this out on his own. "

"Yeah, I'm pretty much over it ....but you know mom, when he goes, he's going to want to take those stairs with him."

This is going to be known in the end as the battle for the stair case -
royal or otherwise.

Thirteen on Thursday

Don't forget to include the following on those damn finance disclosure forms.....

1. manicures... at least once a month $25- 50
2. pedicures at least once every two months $50-65
3. hair cut and colour sometimes highlights and some times foil$$$ $50-125
4. gym fees... rolls eyes $14 every two weeks
5. I spend THAT much on shoes???
6. movies ( well someone has to pay!!! sigh) $25 4x a month
7. haircuts for Rebel and Tweeny $40 x2 x 6
8. I spend THAT much on Rebel and Tweeny shoes!!!!
9. trips to the big city for Theatre twice a year... $400 x 2
10. trip to the OTHER big city (French side) for shopping once a year $500
11. two trips to see Dad with offspring $1500 without offspring $400
12. restaurant meals - $300 a month ( maybe)
13. cosmetics: a new lipstick every month... plus mascara, AND do you have ANY idea what micro- dermabrasion treatments cost??

to be continued.... next Thursday.

Exercise...

As I pull together all the financial crap for the separation to come, (and more about that in the T13 on Thursday!) I keep reviewing the money I spend to go to the gym. I have a "membership" at Good Life Gym but it's not a membership at all, it's a donation to their corporate entity. And THIS is what ticks me off about gyms.

*RANT ON*
OK... so you get into the groove, you decide going to the gym is a great idea and you actually get in the door. SO then THEY suck you in and you get a trainer... "to meet your very own specific fitness needs."

oh really?!

While chatting with the girls in the change room after the training session you learn, interestingly enough, YOUR fitness needs and the ones of the women right next to you ( one of whom just happens to be 55 pounds overweight, never been on a treadmill in her life, never been in a programme in her life) has the SAME training programme as you do!

WTF???

Next training session I ask my "Elite Trainer" for whom I am paying an extra $10 per hour because ... she is "elite" WHY my programme is the same as the big blonde lady!

"Well, " says Ms Elite, "we have to have a baseline to measure from." "But I've done all this before and the circuit you've given me doesn't challenge me and isn't helping me with my old lady arms or my thunder thighs. I want to target those zones and you're giving me a general programme, I don't like that and I am paying. "

Elite trainer takes me to a corner of the gym, with the big red stability ball, and while I am trying to do ab crunches while rolling away on a ball, she says, " you're right Marie, but here's the racket, " and proceeds to tell me that the manager in the gym has ordered, *ordered* that all shall follow the same programme to ensure uniformity in timing and scheduling so the revenue stream for this brand new gym location can increase faster than any of the other gyms in the city, She wants to win a revenue award. I am so not impressed! Here I am thinking they are here to motivate me, to be my friend, to help me reach my goals. No.... they are NOT.

They are a business.
They want my money.
ANY WAY they can get it.

So, being who I am, I am not very impressed with the lack of clubbiness I am hearing about, so after training, I go to said manager and tell her I am not happy on the basic training and I want her to "order" my Ms Elite Trainer to challenge me with a truly "designed for me" programme. I got a song and dance about finishing the current before moving on and blah blah blah.

So in the end I did get what I wanted and did quite well at it if I do say so myself. However, I caught a really horrible cold, stopped going to the gym because of it, the cold turned into the rest of the summer - took the time off from the gym which then turned into a horrible sacroiliac injury when I stopped paying for 6 months. A week before a deadline I re-instated payments, but still didn't get to the gym. And did those people at the gym who insist on bar code tagged member card EVER once inquire... or ask where I was? Of course not. It's not about fitness at all. ever. It's about the money. They take it and they run all the way to the bank!
*RANT OFF*

Now, with all this silly stress and nonsense you'd think that riding a bike to nowhere or walking to nowhere on the treadmill while listening to bad music or being forced to watch whatever stupid sport is playing on ALL FIVE TVs, should not be so taxing.

But it is.

I need motivation. I also need to know what to eat before I go to the gym. If I go home after work, I won't go to the gym I won't get up a 5 AM to go to the gym for a 6 AM door crasher opening. What to eat at 4 PM to have the energy to work out for a 45 minute period. I really don't want to be fainting or having head rushes at the gym.

But that's a whole other story.

The Law: Food for thought ...

This is from a dear friend who responded when I asked her questions about the family law stuff and the ideas I had about what to do yesterday. She is a lawyer by profession, a stay at home mom by choice. She's good.

Marie, this is JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION and you have to weigh in with your own feelings, the facts of your situation and your spouse's likely approach/position.

The idea of collaborative law is a good one but one of those touchy-feely things that work well for people who are already getting along. This is also of benefit to these "collaborative law offices" wherein all the money stays there- thank you very much - so take all those claims with a grain of salt.

The other thing you must realize is that a mediator is not "YOUR" mediator- in other words- they are not your advocate- they are attempting, in good faith, to get an agreement- nothing wrong with that- but I personally- believe that at least initially- you need an advocate- someone who is in your corner and will explain and represent your interests. Having someone explain to you without your (I'm sorry-) obnoxious and demeaning spouse there, leaping over himself later- at home to twist everything around- and help you determine a starting place- would be preferable.

You do not need your lawyer to be a counselor- you need your lawyer to get you the best possible legally binding agreement to govern your future relationship with your spouse and kids. From what I have heard from you- the spousal unit is extremely angry and carries a grudge. While this is irrelevant in the long term- getting to "yes" with him may be a painful, debilitating process. I don't say this because I think you are a walk-over- anything but- however, I say this because you need an advocate- you need someone competent to take your position. Because you ARE adversaries- you are more adversarial than almost any other civil litigation. The chances of your case actually being litigated in a court of law are slim- unless your spouse is stupider than he sounds. It is the litigation that is costly- hammering out an agreement should not be overwhelming- once you both understand your rights and responsibilities. (And have time to digest them and simmer down).

All that being said- another initial step in this process is going to be talking to the spousal unit about what his expectations are. I would only advise this- AFTER you have been to a lawyer- with your financials all ready- so that you KNOW what you want and what your realistic expectations should be. Couples can have a tendency to work out what they believe are good, viable agreements that are a total WASTE of time- because they then go see lawyers and are apprised of all the things they haven't thought of.

So- in a nutshell- it doesn't appear to me that you and your spouse are mediation types- you may be- and I am just missing it. There is no point in getting to the room and realizing after long moments of silence that there is no one budging on either side.

There is something you have to let go of in the legal process- and that is the: "you are right" mentality- that you are right and full of righteous indignation because you have been a good spouse and supported your deadbeat, alcoholic, porn loving, non-involved parent spouse- nobody cares about that (except maybe your counselor) because the law did not force you marry your spouse (without a prenup) and frankly- they HATE having to fix people's mistakes.

Being strong.

So... as I sort through the options of what do I do and how do I do it I learned which law firm the spouse went to, and with whom he might have discussed our situation. A pretty boring firm, with probably one or two who specialize in family law. He got the papers, he got the information, and now he thinks he knows it all.

Never mind that she who has been feeling the pain for the last six or so years, did the homework ages ago and knows the details.

So here's the deal these days on the family law front. It's about avoiding litigation, keeping costs down and going the collaborative law route or the mediation route.

Collaborative law is still about meeting the lawyers but it's at a round table instead of across the table. And it's usually two lawyers in the same firm... both of whom get paid. Nice business if you get it! So we avoid litigation, promise to be nice and get to an agreement in a friendly way. Friendly? The man hasn't spoke to me in two years... not sure friendly would work.

Mediation - no lawyers at the onset, but the two "parties" plus a single mediator work through the negotiations. It's really not in my best interest or his. I don't have someone working for me as the agreieved party in all this. Once the negotiations have been agreed upon, the "parties" have their lawyers review the agreement to ensure no one is taken for a ride. I've done labour negotiations from the union side. I could do this. Mediating and negotiating seems to be a good idea I think. It's not quite adverserial, but we can get the thing done... probably after some initial screaming and angst. But perhaps seeing a lawyer first to think this through carefully is a better idea.

The question is I have a spouse who has held every slight and every word in the back of his brain. He holds grudges. He has not been able to shake off even the slightest of slights. And not just mine - any body who he has ever spoken to from what I recall in past conversations. Slights that are ill perceived, and probably not remembered by those involved. Hurts that are not really hurts. He is a head case, even though he doesn't see it or believe it. Will a trained mediator be able to deal with his grudges and perceived hurts? I seriously doubt this.

Can someone with this in their psyche be able to set that aside and work at what is best for his daughters? Or will he find it important to try and push me to the wall to get "his" way?

He claimed in conversations we had, that he didn't want children, he claimed he didn't want the house. He claimed he didn't want to live where we lived - that he had no choice.

sigh....

It is all a revision of our history. However, as angry as I am, because I have to admit there is still anger back there, I would expect civility for the sake of what is best for the kids.
The problem is always - what I believe is in their best interest, and what he believes is in their best interest is where the tension resides. It is this that I dread....

I have been told over and over and over, that I am a strong person. Many women friends, indeed MOST of them, tell me that I am the strongest person they know... and ya know... I am kind of tired of being strong.

Perhaps that's the best reason for why I want this over and done. I am tired of being strong. Perhaps I've had to be strong for all the wrong reasons... yeah... the spouse who isn't - forced me into certain roles. Perhaps that's the best reason of all to get it done: So I can find someone to pick up my slack, and who can hold me up so I don't have to do it anymore.

Thirteen on Thursday

13 beginnings to fantasize about til post separation

1. New men in my life? ( not sure I really care yet; although if Keanu Reeves walked in..... )
2. Re-decorating the house MY WAY! with input from the teens, no doubt
3. Mustang fever
4. No excuses when asked "so.... where's your spouse tonight?"
5. No kids worrying about whether daddy is in a good mood or bad mood and how to approach him today
6. Making independent financial decisions ( well.... I already do that!)
7. My own computer
8. My own music playing loudly
9. No worries about eating *his* food
10. No worries about how the spouse might behave during dinner parties... he won't be there
11. No more counselling sessions - I am so tired of having my head cracked open
12. My house, my stuff 24/7! Clean powder room, no hockey gear, no table saw, no broken down crap in the garage!
13. The beginning of a new life without the grouchy, miserable, negative, cranky, alcoholic, selfish, arrogant spouse

Musing on a Monday

This was my horoscope today:

Fresh starts only happen when old situations are finally put to rest. It may be difficult to let this come to a conclusion, but it's necessary if you want to move on with your life. Breathe. Learn to accept reality.

HMMM I had a conversation on the weekend with my former faith based counsellor. I believe it was her "blessing" I was looking for as I try to walk this path.

She is one who knows *all* the intimate details - more than anyone else about the stuff that went on six years ago, when the spouse dropped the bomb.

She pretty much said the same to me as today's horoscope.
And the reality that needs to be accepted is the following:

The spouse is not going to change. He's made it very clear that counselling will NOT be a consideration, and that I had

"better get my head out of the sand!"

Reality is - my life is changing. The marriage to this spouse is done. I do indeed need to breathe and move on and keep breathing. And interestingly, EVERYONE I talk to tells me...

"yeah.. it will be tough, but once it's done,
you're going to wonder why you didn't do it sooner."

So I suppose I have to make the sooner happen sooner don't I? No point in prolonging the pain. ( I can see Lily-by-the-Bay wanting to do the table dance with me on this one!)

Had a great weekend though. At the scrap booking and spa weekend with 9 other women, the fun never stopped. I probably ate more carbs this weekend than I've had the past six months! Everything from home fries, scalloped potatoes, pasta, bread pudding (with custard sauce) to die for, and the rest of the food at the buffet tables. I am surprised I could get the jeans on before I left Sunday. Yoga pants are NOT just for yoga!

The six degrees of separation were more than unreal. That red thread connecting us was demonstrated through more than one example. There were connections with at least four of the women that we learned through sharing and talking as only women do. That and almost 25 pages later of photos in the book!

And my little dinner party went well too. Forgot to add the goat cheese to the salad, but ... now that means more for me! The spouse banished himself to the basement and wouldn't take any food even when I told my two helpers to offer him a dish full! What EvEr... courtesy should still count!

We had a lovely time.

And so it goes. I breathe, and start to move on. The appointments with legal counsel will need to happen.

It's gonna get interesting.

Fourteen on the Fourteenth.

14 reasons I can let this go.

Thanks to my doctor for this one who seems to be filling in for my vacationing counsellor.

1.I got my girls to a stage where they are older and more able to vocalize and articulate how they feel in this process - always an important challenge to keep in mind on this journey.
2. I worked it baby. I worked it hard.
3. I did the counselling and tried to make changes I believed would make a difference.
4. I tried to see things from the spouse's point of view and think about what he *might want* even if he couldn't/wouldn't articulate it.
5. I have been mostly positive through this the past six years.. well okay... a few nutbar mements... but they were good ones!
6. I have been mostly trusting - until I found out about the fantasy girlfriend That kinda sent the trust factor down a few notches.
7. I have done what my faith has expected even if the teachings of my faith make things difficult. They are not insurmountable though. Even the Catholics have figured out a bad marriage should not be forever. I do not have guilt. Have gotten over guilt years ago!
8. I have been protecting my self interests even though I wanted something else.
9. I didn't think of an exit strategy until it felt as if NOTHING else was going to work.
10.I kept a positive mental attitude even when it hasn't seemed like there was ANYTHING to be positive about.
11. I didn't turn into a raging-man-hating -witch with a *BEE* There ARE a few nice ones out. They know who they are.
12. I didn't turn alcoholic. A waste of a good dram of Dalwhinnie that would be!
13. It seems I have permission to do so from everyone....... but myself.
14. It was Valentine's Day 24 years ago that my spouse proposed to me and promised to love me forever.

Yeah...
well....
WhatEvEr...

I bought the Rebel and Tweeny HUGE Hershey's kisses and dropped a load of Cadbury caramel hearts in a bowl on the kitchen table today. I will buy myself a bottle of Santa Marguerita Pinot Grigio and enjoy that with my dinner this evening.

Tell the ones you love ....that you love!

Love to all of YOU - my permission giving friends!

He Lectures. I Practice Zen.

The spousal unit is starting to kick it up a notch. He was on my case about me not filling out the financial forms. I told him I was not ready. I also told him that when I *was* ready he would get them. He was talking on and on about what I had to do and why I had to do it. It sounded rather like a lecture for grade nine students. He is a teacher. This is how he regularly speaks to me and others. Others have told me they don't like his lecturing style.

So I stopped him...

"spouse," said I," you're not telling me anything I don't know.
Please do not speak to me as if I was one of your students. I am not."

"what do you mean?
You need to know this, and you have to deal with it."

"I am well aware of all this information,
and I will deal with it when I am ready."

The conversation did continue on he getting more frustrated, me trying to get into the zen calm thing. At some point his heavy drinking entered the conversation. By anyone's definition three or four ounces of whiskey every night and a couple of beers around the whiskey is defined everywhere as heavy drinking.

His response was:

"I am never hung over, and it's not interfering with work."

"YET!"

Since then - Saturday evening - he hasn't touched a drop. I believe he is attempting to make a point. I believe it is too late.

He has also made veiled threats of *who* will live in the matrimonial home post separation and *with whom* He believes that because he is such a Disneyland Dad, our girls will want to live with him in the house that he refuses to maintain. I've been told to not engage and not get into it with him. And I agree. I did tell him though, that I was not going anywhere for some time.

He took his glass of water and left the kitchen.

It is really going to happen.

More when I have time to write. In the meantime. This song was on the radio when I woke up Sunday morning. It's sad. It made me cry again. I know it's done. That doesn't make it any less real or painful.
I will get through this.

It just seems.... so ..... futile.
sigh...

I am mostly all right though, okay. I am not going to slash my wrists or do anything too foolish. Might go a little nutbar on the spouse, but .... in spite of my mixed emotions about all of this... he deserves a little nutbar-ness.