Exercise...

As I pull together all the financial crap for the separation to come, (and more about that in the T13 on Thursday!) I keep reviewing the money I spend to go to the gym. I have a "membership" at Good Life Gym but it's not a membership at all, it's a donation to their corporate entity. And THIS is what ticks me off about gyms.

*RANT ON*
OK... so you get into the groove, you decide going to the gym is a great idea and you actually get in the door. SO then THEY suck you in and you get a trainer... "to meet your very own specific fitness needs."

oh really?!

While chatting with the girls in the change room after the training session you learn, interestingly enough, YOUR fitness needs and the ones of the women right next to you ( one of whom just happens to be 55 pounds overweight, never been on a treadmill in her life, never been in a programme in her life) has the SAME training programme as you do!

WTF???

Next training session I ask my "Elite Trainer" for whom I am paying an extra $10 per hour because ... she is "elite" WHY my programme is the same as the big blonde lady!

"Well, " says Ms Elite, "we have to have a baseline to measure from." "But I've done all this before and the circuit you've given me doesn't challenge me and isn't helping me with my old lady arms or my thunder thighs. I want to target those zones and you're giving me a general programme, I don't like that and I am paying. "

Elite trainer takes me to a corner of the gym, with the big red stability ball, and while I am trying to do ab crunches while rolling away on a ball, she says, " you're right Marie, but here's the racket, " and proceeds to tell me that the manager in the gym has ordered, *ordered* that all shall follow the same programme to ensure uniformity in timing and scheduling so the revenue stream for this brand new gym location can increase faster than any of the other gyms in the city, She wants to win a revenue award. I am so not impressed! Here I am thinking they are here to motivate me, to be my friend, to help me reach my goals. No.... they are NOT.

They are a business.
They want my money.
ANY WAY they can get it.

So, being who I am, I am not very impressed with the lack of clubbiness I am hearing about, so after training, I go to said manager and tell her I am not happy on the basic training and I want her to "order" my Ms Elite Trainer to challenge me with a truly "designed for me" programme. I got a song and dance about finishing the current before moving on and blah blah blah.

So in the end I did get what I wanted and did quite well at it if I do say so myself. However, I caught a really horrible cold, stopped going to the gym because of it, the cold turned into the rest of the summer - took the time off from the gym which then turned into a horrible sacroiliac injury when I stopped paying for 6 months. A week before a deadline I re-instated payments, but still didn't get to the gym. And did those people at the gym who insist on bar code tagged member card EVER once inquire... or ask where I was? Of course not. It's not about fitness at all. ever. It's about the money. They take it and they run all the way to the bank!
*RANT OFF*

Now, with all this silly stress and nonsense you'd think that riding a bike to nowhere or walking to nowhere on the treadmill while listening to bad music or being forced to watch whatever stupid sport is playing on ALL FIVE TVs, should not be so taxing.

But it is.

I need motivation. I also need to know what to eat before I go to the gym. If I go home after work, I won't go to the gym I won't get up a 5 AM to go to the gym for a 6 AM door crasher opening. What to eat at 4 PM to have the energy to work out for a 45 minute period. I really don't want to be fainting or having head rushes at the gym.

But that's a whole other story.

The Law: Food for thought ...

This is from a dear friend who responded when I asked her questions about the family law stuff and the ideas I had about what to do yesterday. She is a lawyer by profession, a stay at home mom by choice. She's good.

Marie, this is JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION and you have to weigh in with your own feelings, the facts of your situation and your spouse's likely approach/position.

The idea of collaborative law is a good one but one of those touchy-feely things that work well for people who are already getting along. This is also of benefit to these "collaborative law offices" wherein all the money stays there- thank you very much - so take all those claims with a grain of salt.

The other thing you must realize is that a mediator is not "YOUR" mediator- in other words- they are not your advocate- they are attempting, in good faith, to get an agreement- nothing wrong with that- but I personally- believe that at least initially- you need an advocate- someone who is in your corner and will explain and represent your interests. Having someone explain to you without your (I'm sorry-) obnoxious and demeaning spouse there, leaping over himself later- at home to twist everything around- and help you determine a starting place- would be preferable.

You do not need your lawyer to be a counselor- you need your lawyer to get you the best possible legally binding agreement to govern your future relationship with your spouse and kids. From what I have heard from you- the spousal unit is extremely angry and carries a grudge. While this is irrelevant in the long term- getting to "yes" with him may be a painful, debilitating process. I don't say this because I think you are a walk-over- anything but- however, I say this because you need an advocate- you need someone competent to take your position. Because you ARE adversaries- you are more adversarial than almost any other civil litigation. The chances of your case actually being litigated in a court of law are slim- unless your spouse is stupider than he sounds. It is the litigation that is costly- hammering out an agreement should not be overwhelming- once you both understand your rights and responsibilities. (And have time to digest them and simmer down).

All that being said- another initial step in this process is going to be talking to the spousal unit about what his expectations are. I would only advise this- AFTER you have been to a lawyer- with your financials all ready- so that you KNOW what you want and what your realistic expectations should be. Couples can have a tendency to work out what they believe are good, viable agreements that are a total WASTE of time- because they then go see lawyers and are apprised of all the things they haven't thought of.

So- in a nutshell- it doesn't appear to me that you and your spouse are mediation types- you may be- and I am just missing it. There is no point in getting to the room and realizing after long moments of silence that there is no one budging on either side.

There is something you have to let go of in the legal process- and that is the: "you are right" mentality- that you are right and full of righteous indignation because you have been a good spouse and supported your deadbeat, alcoholic, porn loving, non-involved parent spouse- nobody cares about that (except maybe your counselor) because the law did not force you marry your spouse (without a prenup) and frankly- they HATE having to fix people's mistakes.

Being strong.

So... as I sort through the options of what do I do and how do I do it I learned which law firm the spouse went to, and with whom he might have discussed our situation. A pretty boring firm, with probably one or two who specialize in family law. He got the papers, he got the information, and now he thinks he knows it all.

Never mind that she who has been feeling the pain for the last six or so years, did the homework ages ago and knows the details.

So here's the deal these days on the family law front. It's about avoiding litigation, keeping costs down and going the collaborative law route or the mediation route.

Collaborative law is still about meeting the lawyers but it's at a round table instead of across the table. And it's usually two lawyers in the same firm... both of whom get paid. Nice business if you get it! So we avoid litigation, promise to be nice and get to an agreement in a friendly way. Friendly? The man hasn't spoke to me in two years... not sure friendly would work.

Mediation - no lawyers at the onset, but the two "parties" plus a single mediator work through the negotiations. It's really not in my best interest or his. I don't have someone working for me as the agreieved party in all this. Once the negotiations have been agreed upon, the "parties" have their lawyers review the agreement to ensure no one is taken for a ride. I've done labour negotiations from the union side. I could do this. Mediating and negotiating seems to be a good idea I think. It's not quite adverserial, but we can get the thing done... probably after some initial screaming and angst. But perhaps seeing a lawyer first to think this through carefully is a better idea.

The question is I have a spouse who has held every slight and every word in the back of his brain. He holds grudges. He has not been able to shake off even the slightest of slights. And not just mine - any body who he has ever spoken to from what I recall in past conversations. Slights that are ill perceived, and probably not remembered by those involved. Hurts that are not really hurts. He is a head case, even though he doesn't see it or believe it. Will a trained mediator be able to deal with his grudges and perceived hurts? I seriously doubt this.

Can someone with this in their psyche be able to set that aside and work at what is best for his daughters? Or will he find it important to try and push me to the wall to get "his" way?

He claimed in conversations we had, that he didn't want children, he claimed he didn't want the house. He claimed he didn't want to live where we lived - that he had no choice.

sigh....

It is all a revision of our history. However, as angry as I am, because I have to admit there is still anger back there, I would expect civility for the sake of what is best for the kids.
The problem is always - what I believe is in their best interest, and what he believes is in their best interest is where the tension resides. It is this that I dread....

I have been told over and over and over, that I am a strong person. Many women friends, indeed MOST of them, tell me that I am the strongest person they know... and ya know... I am kind of tired of being strong.

Perhaps that's the best reason for why I want this over and done. I am tired of being strong. Perhaps I've had to be strong for all the wrong reasons... yeah... the spouse who isn't - forced me into certain roles. Perhaps that's the best reason of all to get it done: So I can find someone to pick up my slack, and who can hold me up so I don't have to do it anymore.

Thirteen on Thursday

13 beginnings to fantasize about til post separation

1. New men in my life? ( not sure I really care yet; although if Keanu Reeves walked in..... )
2. Re-decorating the house MY WAY! with input from the teens, no doubt
3. Mustang fever
4. No excuses when asked "so.... where's your spouse tonight?"
5. No kids worrying about whether daddy is in a good mood or bad mood and how to approach him today
6. Making independent financial decisions ( well.... I already do that!)
7. My own computer
8. My own music playing loudly
9. No worries about eating *his* food
10. No worries about how the spouse might behave during dinner parties... he won't be there
11. No more counselling sessions - I am so tired of having my head cracked open
12. My house, my stuff 24/7! Clean powder room, no hockey gear, no table saw, no broken down crap in the garage!
13. The beginning of a new life without the grouchy, miserable, negative, cranky, alcoholic, selfish, arrogant spouse

Musing on a Monday

This was my horoscope today:

Fresh starts only happen when old situations are finally put to rest. It may be difficult to let this come to a conclusion, but it's necessary if you want to move on with your life. Breathe. Learn to accept reality.

HMMM I had a conversation on the weekend with my former faith based counsellor. I believe it was her "blessing" I was looking for as I try to walk this path.

She is one who knows *all* the intimate details - more than anyone else about the stuff that went on six years ago, when the spouse dropped the bomb.

She pretty much said the same to me as today's horoscope.
And the reality that needs to be accepted is the following:

The spouse is not going to change. He's made it very clear that counselling will NOT be a consideration, and that I had

"better get my head out of the sand!"

Reality is - my life is changing. The marriage to this spouse is done. I do indeed need to breathe and move on and keep breathing. And interestingly, EVERYONE I talk to tells me...

"yeah.. it will be tough, but once it's done,
you're going to wonder why you didn't do it sooner."

So I suppose I have to make the sooner happen sooner don't I? No point in prolonging the pain. ( I can see Lily-by-the-Bay wanting to do the table dance with me on this one!)

Had a great weekend though. At the scrap booking and spa weekend with 9 other women, the fun never stopped. I probably ate more carbs this weekend than I've had the past six months! Everything from home fries, scalloped potatoes, pasta, bread pudding (with custard sauce) to die for, and the rest of the food at the buffet tables. I am surprised I could get the jeans on before I left Sunday. Yoga pants are NOT just for yoga!

The six degrees of separation were more than unreal. That red thread connecting us was demonstrated through more than one example. There were connections with at least four of the women that we learned through sharing and talking as only women do. That and almost 25 pages later of photos in the book!

And my little dinner party went well too. Forgot to add the goat cheese to the salad, but ... now that means more for me! The spouse banished himself to the basement and wouldn't take any food even when I told my two helpers to offer him a dish full! What EvEr... courtesy should still count!

We had a lovely time.

And so it goes. I breathe, and start to move on. The appointments with legal counsel will need to happen.

It's gonna get interesting.

Fourteen on the Fourteenth.

14 reasons I can let this go.

Thanks to my doctor for this one who seems to be filling in for my vacationing counsellor.

1.I got my girls to a stage where they are older and more able to vocalize and articulate how they feel in this process - always an important challenge to keep in mind on this journey.
2. I worked it baby. I worked it hard.
3. I did the counselling and tried to make changes I believed would make a difference.
4. I tried to see things from the spouse's point of view and think about what he *might want* even if he couldn't/wouldn't articulate it.
5. I have been mostly positive through this the past six years.. well okay... a few nutbar mements... but they were good ones!
6. I have been mostly trusting - until I found out about the fantasy girlfriend That kinda sent the trust factor down a few notches.
7. I have done what my faith has expected even if the teachings of my faith make things difficult. They are not insurmountable though. Even the Catholics have figured out a bad marriage should not be forever. I do not have guilt. Have gotten over guilt years ago!
8. I have been protecting my self interests even though I wanted something else.
9. I didn't think of an exit strategy until it felt as if NOTHING else was going to work.
10.I kept a positive mental attitude even when it hasn't seemed like there was ANYTHING to be positive about.
11. I didn't turn into a raging-man-hating -witch with a *BEE* There ARE a few nice ones out. They know who they are.
12. I didn't turn alcoholic. A waste of a good dram of Dalwhinnie that would be!
13. It seems I have permission to do so from everyone....... but myself.
14. It was Valentine's Day 24 years ago that my spouse proposed to me and promised to love me forever.

Yeah...
well....
WhatEvEr...

I bought the Rebel and Tweeny HUGE Hershey's kisses and dropped a load of Cadbury caramel hearts in a bowl on the kitchen table today. I will buy myself a bottle of Santa Marguerita Pinot Grigio and enjoy that with my dinner this evening.

Tell the ones you love ....that you love!

Love to all of YOU - my permission giving friends!

He Lectures. I Practice Zen.

The spousal unit is starting to kick it up a notch. He was on my case about me not filling out the financial forms. I told him I was not ready. I also told him that when I *was* ready he would get them. He was talking on and on about what I had to do and why I had to do it. It sounded rather like a lecture for grade nine students. He is a teacher. This is how he regularly speaks to me and others. Others have told me they don't like his lecturing style.

So I stopped him...

"spouse," said I," you're not telling me anything I don't know.
Please do not speak to me as if I was one of your students. I am not."

"what do you mean?
You need to know this, and you have to deal with it."

"I am well aware of all this information,
and I will deal with it when I am ready."

The conversation did continue on he getting more frustrated, me trying to get into the zen calm thing. At some point his heavy drinking entered the conversation. By anyone's definition three or four ounces of whiskey every night and a couple of beers around the whiskey is defined everywhere as heavy drinking.

His response was:

"I am never hung over, and it's not interfering with work."

"YET!"

Since then - Saturday evening - he hasn't touched a drop. I believe he is attempting to make a point. I believe it is too late.

He has also made veiled threats of *who* will live in the matrimonial home post separation and *with whom* He believes that because he is such a Disneyland Dad, our girls will want to live with him in the house that he refuses to maintain. I've been told to not engage and not get into it with him. And I agree. I did tell him though, that I was not going anywhere for some time.

He took his glass of water and left the kitchen.

It is really going to happen.

More when I have time to write. In the meantime. This song was on the radio when I woke up Sunday morning. It's sad. It made me cry again. I know it's done. That doesn't make it any less real or painful.
I will get through this.

It just seems.... so ..... futile.
sigh...

I am mostly all right though, okay. I am not going to slash my wrists or do anything too foolish. Might go a little nutbar on the spouse, but .... in spite of my mixed emotions about all of this... he deserves a little nutbar-ness.

Thirteen on Thursday

13 things I need to do for the dinner party

1. plan the menu -
2. buy the food (where you can get Hungarian sweet paprika? - goulash... new recipe, hearty for a winter evening!)
3 buy the booze- hmmm merlot? shiraz? always pinot grigio... Caramel Irish Creme?
4 clean the powder room that spousal unit uses as personal bathroom
5 check the supplies - have everything else? maple syrup for the coffee maple mousse
6. confirm with the Rebel on serving times and hourly wage for helping out
7. ask Tweeny if she wishes to help (AS IF!)
8. ensure the linens are ironed and crisp (we don't use paper napkins in this house ...ever!)
9. ensure the few silver pieces are polished - check the salad bowl that has the silver rim
10. do the time line - project management skills are a great competency for dinner parties
11. check with colleague - who is bringing the out of towners?
12. ok ok... invite the spouse
13. sit back relax and enjoy the party

Dinner

I'm planning on hosting a dinner party - business colleagues - all women - for guests from out of town that we work with regularly. I am a tad nervous, not because I lack skill or anything, but because I am worried about behavior of spouse and Rebel. I discussed this with the counsellor. She suggested I involve the Rebel as a server and general helper for the do. So I asked her and she was pleased to be asked. I did tell her I would pay her.

What the hell!
She wants to have her friend help too.
Again I say what the hell!

Now, as for the spouse, I just don't know what he'll be like. And that is the worry. There are still a number of small things that have not been completed for the renovations that just must be done if I am to have guests in the house. I have asked for these little things to get done, but I am not seeing any action. So, I will hire my favourite electrician, I'll hang the pictures myself (they'll be crooked... oh well!) and cook my dinner and see how it goes.

And this is yet one more thing I think about all the time. I LOVE cooking for friends. I LOVE having people around my dining room table - business or pleasure. The spouse's behavior on any level, does make me uncomfortable.

The counsellor says I should consider inviting him for the dinner, even though it is business and it is all women (so you know we'll stray!) I will take it under advisement and decide early next week. I would suspect he won't join us, but then, perhaps he might and I should be prepared for that too. I've been told I have to refrain from issuing orders on what and how things will proceed.

Let go control.
Let go control!

One of my business colleagues is also a friend. She has already told me that if things implode at the last minute she will bail me out - as long as I bring the food- she'll provide the booze!

Friends.... what would one do without them.

We're everywhere!

Had a few drinks with a dear friend who lives in the big city. We had both alluded in previous get togethers about our mutual spouses. And here she is as frustrated, annoyed, angry, and unhappy in her marriage as I am in mine.

"We've grown apart" she said.
"The tension in the house is palpable- because I am the bad guy with my own children. We are never in sync."

Words out of my book!

And she's not the only one. Furtively, in dark bars everywhere, women are having these same conversations.

How does this happen?
The two of us, over martinis, ( gin never vodka), tears in our eyes, wondering how the train wreck happens? She has a lovely life style. Lawyer husband, house paid off, vacations paid for in cash, not a financial worry ever thanks mostly to his career far more than hers, but still she wonders

"Is it worth it? No, it isn't but my kids. The relationship they see isn't good. But they have a lifestyle I don't want to take away from them."

He wants to live at the cottage all summer, I want to see people, do things, go places. He doesn't ever want to do these things.

We're married to the same man... sort of.

And there's the trade off right? Three different counsellors have told her, after conversations and work with both of them, that he's not going to change how he operates, how he thinks. The two of them have completely different ideas about what they want to do with life.

And so we continue on these rough trails... sacrificing our own needs. But how long can that kind of life go on?

hmmm there's the million dollar question.

A wonderful book on this subject of we women in midlife... Barbara Moses, PhD - Dish. A must read for all of us.

Thirteen on Thursday

The spouse was preparing for some lunch potluck thing at his work. He went in search of a tin of soup. Found one tin. I said oh... I used the second tin in the sauce I made for dinner on Sunday. WELL! Hissy fit supreme. It's most fascinating watching a man have a hissy fit.
For the regular readers yo may recall he has a "thing" about "his food" A-HEM... "his food?" yeah.. right. What EvEr!

So in the spirit of ennuie and observation of male hissiness... today's Thursday 13 is

What to say when your spouse
accuses you of taking "his" can of soup from the pantry.

1 You're kidding, right?
2 Your can of soup? See no.1
3 Next time, put your name on "your" food. See no.1
4 Umm ever try an interesting concept known as
'COMM YOU NI- KA -SHUN!!!! Maybe talk to me and tell me you have something you need for a potlluck or something, and of course, I'll leave it alone. I can improvise in the kitchen.
5 Build yourself a special pantry cupboard with a lock so that no can touch "your" special cans of soup.
6 Hide your special soup cans in the basement with your empty whiskey bottles.
7 Buy four cans of soup even if you only need two so that if someone takes one of "your" cans, there will still be an extra!
8 Ask for his forgiveness for taking "his" can of soup. See no.1
9 Rush right out and buy him another can of soup. See no. 1
10 Tell him to run out to KFC and buy some ready made gravy
11 Tell him ixnay on the gravy .... too high in carbs and fat calories, no one will want it.
12 Tell him that amateur hour is over in the kitchen and you'll help out and make gravy without the soup.
13 Roll your eyes as his hissiness increases as he stomps around the kitchen slamming pantry doors and tell him to pound sand. (Thanks Blondie!)

Respite

Time for me to take a break. Not from here - from home. I have two major events this month and am glad. I used to travel a fair bit for business but in changing jobs, not so much on the travel any longer to the point that my frequent flyer card has disappeared!

So off to the big city this weekend for a board meeting and a little bit of business too. Meeting business colleagues for dinner Friday evening. Saturday, after meetings, I'll be seeing friends I haven't seen in almost 15 years... Rebel Teen was only four years old last time I visited with this couple. They are musicians. Almost my age and have taken their act to the subway stations to busk, to coffee houses and the Internet. What courage... what talent!

Sue and Dwight

I'm looking forward to catching up with them. They are wonderful, wonderful good people. We've known each other since we were kids.

Then in two weeks... scrap booking and spa weekend. A whole weekend creating photo albums for me and my kids. The former friend used to call my hobby "revising memories" you know - chopping heads and bodies out of photos and using revisionist history to tell the stories of the photos.... It's not quite like that at all, although if I DID have photos of him now..

he'd be cropped!

The hotel where we're staying has an outdoor hot tub. We're hoping for really cold winter weather... makes the hot tub that much more enjoyable... along with a nice sparkling chardonnay and a moon outside.. Of course hot tubbing is only done at night with alcohol when it's -15C or colder!

So a respite from the non-dynamics of the spouse. He's yet to ask about the financial forms. Odd... Perhaps he is waiting for me, as usual. Perhaps he's planning his own moves.

What EvEr!!

I'll be back between trips. No doubt the drama will continue to some degree. I just work at not engaging it any more. I am letting go the control. (sort of- it ain't easy!)

Everyone needs a break. My get away breaks are here!

The Note

The former friend sent me a note today. Somehow I knew that the next time I would hear from him it would be because of one of two things: an announcement to tell me was getting married - natural progression given he's living with his pet sitter, or that one of his pets, his beloved dog had died. And oddly, I had been having weird vibes this week.... it's kinda creepy how these things work.


Sure enough, the dog died this past week, and he was compelled to tell me because of a gift I had given him. A friend of mine, Aleks, AKA, StalkstheDawn, painted a portrait of his dog. I knew this day would come. The dog, a German Shepherd was pretty old and had had a tough time last winter. I knew he wouldn't get through this winter. I also know how much former friend, AKA, FF absolutely LOVED this animal. This dog was treated better than many small children. This dog was his best friend. And I knew he would be upset and sad so I had the painting commissioned by a very talented virtual friend. I've seen her work. She is exceptionally gifted as an artist. I was lucky to have her do this for me. She captured his beauty. And hence an email telling me he appreciates the gift all the more now because the dog has gone.

I have debated about sending him a note, and decided a very short "I'm sorry" will have to suffice. I loved that dog probably more than I ever liked him. The dog was special no doubt about it. I've never known a pet quite like this dog. And so... a short email will be sent... not today... but soon, telling him, that I too, am sorry for the loss of his dear pet.

The dog was a wonderful companion, and won't be easily replaced. If the painting brings the FF any kind of comfort now... so be it. He , the FF, finally realizes the intent behind my actions (even though I have second guessed myself on this action more than once over the months!)

This is a first for him.

But I won't be re-starting any kind of friendship regardless of his "getting it" or his loss.

Better than chick lit- a Thursday 13

In no particular order are books that I have read or re-read lately. I don't think it speaks to a state of mind completely. These are books that make me laugh or think or just read for the pure enjoyment of reading.

1. Anna Karenina/ Leo Tolstoy

A classic, compelling, emotional saga recounting the effects of nonconformist behavior — a society woman''s adulterous affair and a landowner''s unconventional quest for a meaningful existence in late 19th-century Russia. I read this for the first time in Grade 8. Didn't understand the half of it, but the story of Anna I found tragic. Still do.


2.Backward in High Heels/Judith Kelman

The day Maggie heard her husband's office had burned down, she was heartbroken. But actually, the disaster was worse than she thought. Harold wasn't in the building: he was in bed with a beautiful twenty-three-year-old graduate student. Now he's leaving, and Maggie has to pull herself together. But who should she listen to? Her lawyer? Her overbearing mother? In the end the best advice comes from a most surprising source. Ths one cracked me up. It hit close to home in some ways... but it was funny too. A light read in bed on Sunday.

3. The Bitch Posse/Martha O'Connor
This is the story of three women in high school and as women in their mid-thirties - who formed a bond in order to survive the pitfalls and perils of their lives. In the present day, one of them is a wife and mother-to-be, trying to live a "normal" life, one is a writer who engages in a number of self-destructive relationships, and the third one is in a mental hospital - and has been ever since that one fateful night fifteen years ago, when a heart-wrenching betrayal and the unraveling of relationships led these friends to a point of no return. A little tougher

4. The cloning of Joanna May / Fay Weldon

The central subject of all Weldon's writing is the experience of women, especially their relationships with men. According to Weldon, "Women must ask themselves: What is it that will give me fulfillment? In this bizarre story Joanna learns her husband the doctor has cloned her.... more than once! I love Weldon's stories.

5. The debutante divorcée / Plum Sykes.

I could not help but to get caught up in life of Sylvia Mortimer. We all wish for that man who takes are breath away and makes us only see him. . A fun, fashionable and whimsical story for a Sunday. Total trashy and empty but still fun!

6. The interruption of everything / Terry McMillan.

Marilyn Grimes, age 44, is angry, whiny, and perhaps perimenopausal. With three children in college, a boring husband, a live-in mother-in-law, and her own mother showing signs of dementia, she finds little joy in her world. Just when she comes up with an escape plan—graduate school—her life is interrupted yet again. Marilyn finds out she's pregnant and that her husband, Leon, is leaving for a month-long men's retreat in Costa Rica. During his absence, Marilyn ricochets in several directions but finally confronts her biggest enemy—herself.

7. The life and loves of a 'she-devil' / Fay Weldon

A novel of blazingly hot revenge, one that amply illustrates the saying about heaven having no rage like love turned to hate, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." Waaaaaaay better than the movie. This is such a great revenge story!

8. Love in the time of cholera/Gabreil Garcia Marquez

In this story of a unique love triangle, theatmosphere of South America are so intense. THIS is writing. THIS is story telling.

9. Mantrapped / Fay Weldon

What would happen if a man were to wake up one morning as a woman? Or a woman as a man? After brushing past each other on the stairs above their local laundromat, Trisha and Peter instantly and mysteriously, switch souls. Peter's now housed in Trisha's older and much curvier body, while Trisha's moving about in Peter's younger, trimmer form. But none of this is half as awkward as when they both come home to face Peter's wife and have to decide who will sleep where. Another Weldon book! It's too good!

10. Mrs. Dalloway / Virginia Woolf

Nothing more than the details of a day in the life of Clarissa Dalloway, but this still manages to deliver more. It is the feelings that loom behind those daily events--the social alliances, the shopkeeper's exchange, the fact of death--that give Mrs. Dalloway texture and richness. I mean it's Virginia Woolf!


11. The Other Woman/Jane Green

At first, Ellie is thrilled to be accepted into Dan's loving clan and have Dan's mom as her "adopted" mother. Then the problems begin. How has the intimate civil ceremony Ellie always dreamed of turned into a black-tie affair? And what can Dan and his mother possibly have to talk about on the phone twice a day? When she discovers she's pregnant, Ellie realizes that all this has only been a rehearsal for the real takeover. OY! Not THAT kind of other woman!

12. Revenge Of The Middle Aged Woman/ Elizabeth Buchan

For twenty-five years, Rose Lloyd has juggled marriage, motherhood, and career with remarkable success. It has been a life of family picnics, books and wine, a cherished house, and her own exquisitely designed garden—sunny and comfortable. But then the carefully managed life to which Rose has become accustomed comes crashing down around her when—over the course of a few days—her marriage and her career both fall apart. There is a follow up but I can't remember the title. Another great women's writer. I felt good reading this one and the follow up!

13. What Makes Women Happy/Fay Weldon

What makes women happy? Nothing, for more than ten minutes at a time, so stop worrying.In this new book, Fay Weldon offers wisdom gleaned from a remarkable life, a brilliantly successful career and a fair share of trouble. She explores what makes women happy; how our lives, jobs, families, bodies, desires, morals and responsibilities affect that happiness, and what we can do to lead more rounded and desirable lives.


Enjoy! Happy Reading... in bed or any where else you take your books!

Who we were

I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. Calista Flockhart, Sally Field, Robe Lowe and and whole bunch more make up a fine ensemble cast.

I like it because it's a quirky little drama with some funny, some poignant moments.

Last night, it hit a little close to home.

The Robe Lowe character has gone through a divorce and is now playing the game with our pal Calista. He says about his marriage and ex-wife " I miss who we were, but not what we became." The eldest sister and her husband - also going through a bit of time. " I miss us," she says to her husband after walking in on him at home enjoying a laugh with one of their kids' mom!

And I guess that's a lot of what I am feeling these days. I miss who we were. Some of you were there when we first married. You know that promise of the future, of plans, of lots of laughter as well as building a life together. When someone says to you "I'll love you forever" I and those who witnessed it believed it. We go through the tough times and come out of it stronger. We should learn from it and weave an even tighter bond.

But that's not always the case.

Why?
dammed if I know.

To see it crash down so badly - and really - for no real reason that I can fathom. It hurts and it makes me sad. How does one go from wanting to be something and someone, to ending up with your hand around a scotch glass every night? It's pathetic and it makes me very angry.

My counsellor told me "It really isn't about you. He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting himself." And that too is so so sad. It's not who he was, it's who he has become. And I know I can't really do anything about it. So indeed how do I move on and be who I need to be? I sure don't like THIS feeling. I would rather have the friends for dinner, head out to movies and be with someone who wants me for me. And feel an uplifted spririt rather than this sorrow that is forcing me to live a life I didn't ask for and really don't want.

That doesn't seem too much to ask for. I thought I had that. I thought it was a partnership. It's really not me.
It's him. he's not interested in seeing himself as he is. He's not interested in doing ANYTHING to make it change. I am not sure he could change even if he wanted to. The amount of work he needs to do to get there is - nothing short of monumental. I guess he doesn't see it as worth while. And that too... is such a waste and so sad.

It's not me. It's him. His loss... utterly and totally.

Friday Five.

Spent the hour with my counsellor yesterday talking about why I shredded forms, and why I am not rushing into doing anything.

Man it hurt!

It was painful! But it is healing as well. Understanding who we are and why we do what we do and why we feel the way we do about those closest to us is critical from a learning perspective. ( Why do I choose men who are distant?)

I didn't write a Thursday Thirteen so I will make up for this with a Friday Five - Be grateful it could have been Fifteen!

1. Rejection. His rejection of me - of our life together is keeping me from moving forward No doubt this is somewhat about ego, about who I thought he was, seeing myself as a certain kind of person. No one lives to be rejected.
2. Hurt. See number 1
3. Distance. His inability to be close, to communicate has created huge barriers
4. Quitting. I am not a quitter. Is this quitting? Or giving up? No it's not. Life is not a game.
5. "It's not you - it's me." They all say it. And ya know. He is right! He is damaged, distant, emotionally detached, and singular. It's sad really. So how do I now keep that in mind and have it help me deal with point! We've come full circle.

BONUS :
Patricia Wall
Trish is not my counsellor. I heard her speak earlier this week at Breakfast meeting.
I am intrigued with her work. Her work and ability to help people change - physically, mentally - A fascinating approach to getting your life into new patterns or new modalities.

It’s the beginning of the end and the mouse in the house.

So the spouse threw paperwork at me yesterday evening as I was trying to end my day on a calm note.

They were the disclosure docs you need in preparation for separating matrimonial property. He’s been to a lawyer and has the information now. Something I did years ago the first time the bomb dropped.

I was a tad surprised as I didn’t expect him to suddenly turn proactive. Highly unusual for him. So as he is standing there and attempting to explain to me what the documents are. I interrupted him and told him that I already knew what they were and what was required.

But I am NOT ready for this even now… just not ready. My counsellor tells me it’s okay to not be ready. No doubt we’ll delve there this week and see what’s keeping me from taking it on to the next level. I am dreading it if truth be told.

And I was so pissed at said spouse for empowering himself; I took all three copies of said documentation and put them through the shredder! Shredded them all – AS IF that will make it go away. I know it won’t. But I felt better.

My gut tells me to just deal with it, my head says… make it go away.

Before he sees the lawyer again, I want him to consider one more time - counselling for himself. He’s drinking too much, he’s angry, he’s miserable, and he’s arrogant. I don’t expect he will have the courage. If that’s the case, as I expect it will be, then I guess it will indeed be a done deal.

All around this drama I am also informed that we’ve had mice in the house again. Mostly in the basement. They come in somehow behind my kitchen, right where I keep a lot of my serving dishes, hardware stuff, tools and such. I realized the amount of mouse turds was waaaaaay out of control when I opened the drawer under the oven and saw the those nasty things. BUT – this isn’t the first time.

And WHY did the spouse wait until after I got home from church on Sunday to tell me he wanted to wash the floor and do loads of dishes. I told him it was Sunday and couldn’t wait? He’s been home from work for two weeks, why now? I wanted cooking therapy that afternoon.

It took him another three hours to tell me what the deal was! So I stopped cooking and started cleaning. And in between cleaning he dumps his marital property docs on me. I came back two hours later and it’s as if NOTHING had transpired. How weird is that.

I asked him, - this isn’t the first time we’ve had mice in the house, what do we need to do to FIX the problem? So he goes into his speech about the traps, and getting them all, and now we clean blah, blah, blah!

“No,” says I, “that’s about the symptoms, what about getting to the root of the problem?“

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“We need to STOP the mice from getting into the house in the first place. Do we hire some kind of pest company to figure this out, where they are coming from, how they're getting in, or what? I am kinda tired of the mouse in the house game!”

“Professionals!” he sneers, “ waste of money and they can’t do a damn thing about this.”

Funny, that’s what he said when, a few years ago, I asked him to come to counselling with me - the one and only time. The one and only time.

I’m setting myself up for a repeat retort aren’t I?


Perhaps there’s a bad metaphor here for his head stuff and the mouse in the house stuff.

13 things I find weird!

1. Environmental Weirdness
I was outside today without a hat, without mitts and without boots. My jacaket was not done up! I haven't taken the fur coat out of its protective wrap yet this year. It's January 4 - IN FREAKIN CANADA!!!! - and this is not right! As much as I can't stand the cold the wind and blizzard conditions - this just isn't right. Someone remind of this when it hits and I am whining about not like the spring like conditions. Global warming is most definitely here and now.

2. Spousal Weirdness.
Read something today... damned if I can find it again! Having never had happiness from those who should love you first and most.... a man will spend the rest of his life searching for it. HMMM this strikes a chord on many fronts.

3. Work Weirdness
Why is it that those who really could use the help of the subject experts don't want to believe what they are told - based on experience. Why is there ALWAYS the need to put one's personal stamp whether a stamp is needed or not?

4. Relationship Weirdness
Why is it the first thing one usually hears from those new into dedicated relationships is "well he/she does something, wears something, eats something, behaves somehow - and it's not what I LIKE, so I am gonna change that. (yeah.... good luck with that!)

5. Telephone weirdness
What does every person under the age of 25 like to use their phone to send email?

6. TV weirdness
What's with Nancy Grace? My guilty pleasure... DOG! I MUST have a DOG t-shirt to wear at the gym... ALOOOOOHAAAA!

7. Therapy Weirdness
Well... therapy *is* just plain weird. I am paying someone $130 an hour ( thank you health plan!!!!) to ask ME " so... why do you think that? What would you rather do? how does that make you feel?"

8. Reading Weirdness
Why do I HAVE to read every book I start, even if I sometimes read the ending because the characters drive me mad or it's soooooo BOOOOOO-RING!?

9. Relationship Weirdness part two the mid life crisis
Is it *always* the it's not you .,... it's me..... I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you.... ? WHERE does that come from? I've yet to figure this one out... ( oh yeah... see point 7 again!)

10. Vegetable weirdness
What is the point of brussel sprouts and lima beans? I mean how vile can you get? Does it mean anything that said spousal unit likes both????

11. Relationship Weirdness - part 3 men women friendships
Do all male type people - in the end -really don't want women as friends, but as lovers? That seems to be the common theme with MOST of my women friends. Are there men ANYWHERE that can really *just be friends* and mean it??? I sure damn hope so! I believe so!

12. Newspaper weirdness
What is it with people who read newspapers from back to front, take all the sections apart and then leave it scattered on couches and tables - usually before those who want to read it front to back and perfect order get their hands on it?

13.. Blog weirdness
What's with all us strange types who write this stuff, put it out there and wonder who in heaven's name is reading it? Why do we do it? Why do you like to read it? just asking.....

Wishing You A

Abba ~ Happy New Year

That is what Christmas is About

Made it through Christmas Day and we are now on the third day after Christmas counting through the festive season to the Feast of Epiphany on the 12th day. For me the holidays do last right til the 6th.

There were a couple of tense moments between the two offspring on the day itself. They were at each others throats and it wasn't pretty. The spouse, their father, had a go and had to take care of business because I didn't have the drive to deal with their attitudes on a day that is supposed to be all about family. I wonder sometimes how we failed our children, and I have to place a lot of credit on the spouse who wouldn't work with me to create a family bond of importance. Family time, hang out together time, he doesn't get it.... still! And I know when my offspring figure it out, they'll know where things came from and I fear and expect their father to be a lonely old man. He brought it on himself.

Tweeny had her knickers in a twist because I wouldn't allow her out with friends on Christmas Day. They kept calling and visiting. For some reason, it would appear that some families don't seem to mind their children wandering the streets on the one day of the year when the entire city is locked up tight! There is NOTHING to do. Stores, gas stations, even Tim Horton's - all closed! Why these kids were allowed out from home to *hang out* I have no clue. On this one, the spouse was with me. We told Tweeny's friends she wasn't allowed out and we wanted to eat our dinner in peace. She was not impressed and kept up a stubborn front. I mean REALLY? WHAT is wrong with parents who allow *their* Tweenys' out and about to loiter when there is clearly NO WHERE to go?! It continues to astound me. I am clearly not up for Mother of the Year this year! No award in sight!

I went to church Christmas morn, after the gifts were opened. The kids wouldn't come with me. The spouse has never attended church, I don't ever ask, but it has it made it difficult to enforce attendance upon the offspring now that they are older. It's still mostly non-negotiable with Tweeny, but the Rebel doesn't usually attend. It doesn't help that I belong to small parish without a lot of choice of liturgies, however, Tweeny does go most Sundays with me, and did go Christmas Eve day, so I allowed her the rationale of not attending "to leave more room for all those twice-a-year-Christians. " Singing traditional carols, being with people whom I've known some time now, and having quiet time to just be really helped centre me for the day.

I spent some of the day wondering what future holidays would be like. I did say last year "never again" and I regret to say I still believe that. I would like to fly home and be with my family next year. Whether or not the offspring come with me will depend I guess on whether or not they get a better offer from their father, whom I suspect would end up driving to see his family if things transpire as I expect they will.

Interestingly though, as much as the offspring were kinda growly and somewhat cranky, they do expect their family traditions. They expect to see certain food, a set candle-lit table, the usual holiday music, in spite of all. Rebel was surprisingly into it when she wasn't trying to kill her sibling.

I didn't send out cards or the usual newsletter this year. Nor did I invite any friends over for visits or meals this year. I didn't have the interest for entertaining or for writing the cheery all is wonderful kind of news even in my usual self deprecating style. I kind of thought, what's the point when I suspect in two to three months I'll be spending out change of address notices and oh by the way, we've separated.

Don't get me wrong though. The peace and meaning of Christmas is with me. I do have that joy within me even knowing that change is afoot. I contemplate daily on what the season means and know that I am doing what I need to ensure a better holiday and life in coming years for me and those who are in my inner circle.

And you my dear friends who read and support - I keep you in my heart during this important part of the year. You have all had some impact on my life and have helped shape part of who I am and where I am going. And even though many of you choose not to post to the blog either anonymously or otherwise, your emails and phone calls are always appreciated.

It is this kind of friendship that is the best gift of all.

I will continue to keep that close.
Remember that this is what Christmas,
twelve days and beyond is really about.

Thirteen {x2} on Thursday

Words of wisdom on (my favourite subject) *happiness*

Yes... I am obsessed. There is much to think about on the subject. The first being - why do Chinese proverbs sound like something a Baba ( a Ukrainian grandmother) would say??? Check it out... you'll see what I mean! And you'll note some of my blah blah...( next to the words of wisdom)

1.The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. (Because one is so busy searching, one forgets about doing the living!)
Eric Hoffer . The Passionate State of Mind

2. But does not happiness come from the soul within? ( exactly MY point!)
Honoré De Balzac. Later appeared as part of Romans et contes philosophiques and part of the Etudes philosophiques (1831).

3. Character is the basis of happiness and happiness the sanction of character.
George Santayana . “Reason in Common Sense,”, The Life of Reason

4. The search for happiness ... always ends in the ghastly sense of the bottomless nothingness into which you will inevitably fall if you strain any further. ( stop searching and start living a positive productive life, and see what comes to you!)
D.H. (David Herbert) Lawrence “The Fox,” The Tales of D. H. Lawrence,

5. Deceive not thyself by over-expecting happiness in the married estate.... Remember the nightingales which sing only some months in the spring, but commonly are silent when they have hatched their eggs, as if their mirth were turned into care for their young ones. ( It's when the singing stops therefore, that you have to figure out how to create new melodies)
Thomas Fuller “Of Marriage,” bk. 3, The Holy State and the Profane State

6. Men who seek happiness are like drunkards who can never find their house but are sure that they have one.
Voltaire - in a letter to - François Marie Arouet ( DO NOT get me started on the house!)

7. Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
Robertson Davies In The Enthusiasms of Robertson Davies

8. Happiness is a matter of one’s most ordinary everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self. ( Yes... you're right Iris!)
Iris Murdoch Willy Kost, in The Nice and the Good,

9. Happiness consumes itself like a flame. It cannot burn for ever, it must go out, and the presentiment of its end destroys it at its very peak.
J. August Strindberg . The Husband, in A Dream Play.

10. Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to make unhappiness possible.
Marcel Proust. “Time Regained,”, Remembrance of Things Past

11. Happiness lies outside yourself, is achieved through interacting with others. Self-forgetfulness should be one’s goal, not self-absorption. The male, capable of only the latter, makes a virtue of an irremediable fault and sets up self-absorption, not only as a good but as a Philosophical Good.
Valerie Solanas. The SCUM Manifesto (1968).The acronym SCUM stood for “The Society for Cutting Up Men.” ( only at the heights of the Feminist era in the 1960s would one say these things. Please remember, I am not one who doesn't like men. I do indeed like MOST men!)

12. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other, or ever so similar before-hand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life.
Jane Austen . Charlotte Lucas in Pride and Prejudice, ( note to self - have the daughters read Jane Austen BEfORE marrriage, not after!)

13. Happiness is a monstrosity! Punished are those who seek it. ( well... that'a a tad harsh!)
Gustave Flaubert Pensées de Gustave Flaubert,

1-2. Happiness is peace after strife, the overcoming of difficulties, the feeling of security and well-being. The only really happy folk are married women and single men. ( I would argue this!)
H.L. (Henry Lewis) Menckenc. A Mencken Chrestomathy,

2-2. Happiness does not await us all. One needn’t be a prophet to say that there will be more grief and pain than serenity and money. That is why we must hang on to one another.
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov. Letter, March 3, 1888, to K.S. Barantsevich. Complete Works and Letters in Thirty Volumes,

3-2. Extreme happiness begets tragedy. (SEE! A Ukrainian Grandma - a baba- would say this!)
Chinese proverb

4-2. Happiness ain’t a thing in itself—it’s only a contrast with something that ain’t pleasant.... And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain’t happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh.
Mark Twain The Complete Short Stories ( there's truth here!)

5-2. Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization. ( regardless of WHO he is, I think he makes a point)
Marquis de Sade L’Histoire de Juliette, ou les Prospérités du Vice,

6-2. The happiness of the body consists in the possession of health; that of the mind, in being sensible of that blessing. Anonymous, U.S. women’s magazine contributor. Weekly Visitor or Ladies Miscellany, p. 189 (March 1803

7-2. Happiness does not consist in things themselves but in the relish we have of them; and a man has attained it when he enjoys what he loves and desires himself, and not what other people think lovely and desirable.
François, Duc De La Rochefoucauld Moral Maxims and Reflections, no. 49

8-2. If happiness, then, is activity expressing virtue, it is reasonable for it to express the supreme virtue, which will be the virtue of the best thing.
Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics, bk. 10,

9-2. Cheerfulness is a policy; happiness is a talent.
Mason Cooley. City Aphorisms, Sixth Selection, New York (1989).

10-2. In the midst of happiness, one may not appreciate what happiness is. ( too true, too true)
Chinese proverb.

11-2. If all our happiness is bound up entirely in our personal circumstances it is difficult not to demand of life more than it has to give.
Bertrand Russell The Conquest of Happiness,

12-2. Virtue is simply happiness, and happiness is a by-product of function. You are happy when you are functioning. William Burroughs “The Creative Observer,” Painting and Guns (1992).

13-2. Doing good is the greatest happiness. ( do some good this Christmas season)
Chinese proverb


And the Bonus bits of wisdom....

One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to.
Alexander Solzhenitsyn. Shulubin, in Cancer Ward

Strictly speaking as emotional entities, human beings are self contained. We believe other people's actions cause us to be happy - or miserable, as the case may be - but it is our thoughts about their actions that create the hormonal responses we interpret as happiness. (and remember this! Never mind she writes erotica - whoa...it's AMAZING what one finds in public library collections.... I am still.... catching my breath.. but that's a T-13 for another day)
Emma Holly, Strange Attractions

Count down to Christmas

Things have been fairly quiet around here. The spousal unit is still in anger,in disgust or in denial.. or perhaps a melange of the three... or would that be menage a three?

The counsellor had a lot of questions for me. They do tend to ask rather than tell; though she also has strategies for me for coping with said melanged spouse.

The dynamics around here as well can be imagined are not great. Tweeny, is probably wondering why no one is saying anything and attempting a "normal" life. Rebel Teen angrier than a hornet and believing things will fall apart sooner than ever. She is rarely home and when she does turn up it's demands or disrespect.

I am keeping it low key til after Christmas. I really don't see any point in getting into it now even though things have been stirred up.

The spouse has told me that Rebel will not be getting her expected and requested gift. She has a number of outstanding debts ( already at age 18) including a fine from the city for some unexpected trouble she got into that caused her grief. The spouse, her dad says her gift will be payment of the fines to clear her and perhaps a couple of gift certificates but NOT what she really wants. I would have to agree with him on this. She is going to be one miserable Rebel come Christmas morn.

I would like to forgo dinner this year and take the family to one of the many dinners for the poor this year, and have them volunteer ( volun-told?) to serve so they can see what they have and what many don't. Somehow though, I think this would be seen in the wrong light given all the other crap around here.

The counsellor suggested I talk to the girls about how they feel, if/why they are angry and to acknowledge it, while insisting that Rebel in particular butt out of my business. I wouldn't mind doing this if she would just stay home long enough for the conversation. But she ain't happy with me so these conversations could take time to get to.

In the meantime, fruitcake is going in the mail. If you asked, you'll get, as long as I know where to send it. Just a taste, and perhaps enough for tea a couple of nights in a row. Careful, don't drive though.. it's about a .07 on the scale for drinking and driving!

A late night Sunday SIlly..... Dear Abby....

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer,
the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the
girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always
says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I
always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving
off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why?

Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell
phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and
screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night
she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided
I was going to park my BMW motor cycle next to the garage and then
hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when
she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Beemer, that I notice
that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Sincerely,

Harvey


She rolls her eyes!
I haven't had much private time to post. I hope to pop a note
or two this week. In the mean time... laugh with me people... laugh
with me.