If only.

Friends,

I need to lighten up a bit. Quiet (I TRUST) weekend coming up. Haircut and highlights is as exciting as it will get plus a pot luck at church for the Feast of St Nicolas. We've never done that before. I am in a quandry wondering if St. Nicolas would bring cosmetics as a gift for the Tweeny? Rebel says she wants to attend. Church would be good for her, just not sure I want her with me these days!

In the meantime....

if WOMEN ruled the world.....

The Ticking Time Bomb Approach

Why is it these things happen a day after a counseling session and not the day before. The Counselor had asked me how things were going with the Rebel Teen. I responded... not bad. We'd had a few intense conversations, however, I believed, at the time, my viewpoint was coming across. I did my best to be level headed and sensitive, and I believed the Teen thought so too.

Alas, a day later, the Teen had her friend staying over night without checking it out. I've made it clear that the Rebel is too old for sleepovers. As adults, everyone goes home to their own bed, rather than staying in one of mine! It happened two nights in a row. There were other things that didn't please me, that looked as if the Teen was not paying as much attention as I thought.

Two days later I had walked in the door after running errands for three hours, and all I wanted to do was sit, have a glass of wine, put my feet up and read the morning paper. (It was 4 in the afternoon!) She wanted a ride somewhere.
I said no. She got cranky.
I still said no. Finally she asked why not.
"What do I get out if?" I asked.
Well... my goodness, did she get nasty. This escalated totally out of proportion.

I didn't lose it, but suggested that if she needed me to do things for her then she had to carry her weight in the family.

"This is no family," she said.
"I know what you want. You and your stupid writings on the internet.
You want a divorce, but you're too chicken to do anything about it.
Why don't you just get the F$&*out of the house.
Just leave!"

I kind of had a knot go deep through my gut at that point but let it go and continued,

"if you're not a family member, you're a roommate which means even more responsibilities, because roommates can be kicked out before moms leave.
And THIS mom, regardless of what you THINK you read, isn't going anywhere."

She slammed the door and left. The spouse, is looking gob smacked. Why, I haven't figured out. Surely, he's not that out of it. But apparently he is looking as if this is all news to him. What planet is he on?

I was going out for the evening, and as I left so did he. He asked if I had plans to get a divorce or separate. I could honestly say, I didn't have plans, but I had been thinking for a long time.
He said we need "to get this done sooner rather than later be cause we can't live like this any more"
I looked up at him, and told him nothing would be "done" until after Christmas, and given I've been living "like this" for almost 6 years, 6 weeks, 6 months wouldn't make any difference to me at this point. So no... I am not rushing to change anything right now.

To make matters worse, I don't believe the Rebel realized what she had done. She came home the next day as if nothing at all had happened. She had called me some unspeakable names, her father had done nothing to defend me, she blurted out all she believed she knew from reading the old blog, and returned as if it was all okay. The Tweeny is probably in denial upset with the yelling and arguing.

Spouse, meanwhile, has taken to sleeping, more permanently it would seem, in the spare room and locking me out it.
It's where the iron lives, and my extra closet is in there so I do need access!

For now, I am cooling my jets and trying to normalize for the holiday season.


My own feelings? I was surprisingly, not at all upset really. Perhaps he is now feeling as though a bomb has been dropped on him. I feel ..... nothing except perhaps a little relief. This is of course a conversation that is not at all going to be pleasant. But as a friend said to me," I need the conversation to be between the two of us, and not one sided. " Like him, I won't be "done to."

Because the thing is, regardless of the Rebel's behaviour, which was appalling, and Tweeny in denial, these two kids mean we - the spousal unit and I - must be civil and perhaps learn to get along better. We are NEVER going to be out of each others lives. I get that. I believe he still needs to figure it out.

In the meantime, I have to get this family into some sort of Christmas mode regardless of where the spouse's head is at these days.

Where's the freakin' eggnog anyway!?

Wait a day....

Snow... ice pellets, and freezing rain.
sigh...
Take the bus... traffic will be torturous!

Gotta love this country!

Thirteen on Thursday

13 Reasons why I'm glad there's no snow on the ground .... yet

1 no window scrapping
2 no sweeping snow off the entire car before going anywhere
3 no need to go out before breakfast to warm the car up before getting into it to go to work
4 the coat, the scarf, the hat the double gloves, the extra pair of socks, and the boots
5 the really ugly, but warm boots... sorels... by any other name
6 frozen fingers
7 frozen toes
8 frost bite on the cheeks walking into the wind everyday after parking the car in the lot furthest away from the building ( hello? how much seniority do I need to get garage parking?)
9 black ice on the road
10 idiots who've never heard of black ice and side swipe or rear end you
11 the extra 30 minutes it takes to drive to work because of the snow and idiots having accidents
12 the kids who refuse to dress for the weather because they don't like looking "geeky" rather than being warm
13 Snow= time to start Christmas shopping, and I'm not ready to go there yet.

Are you?

Happy?

Happy - from Merriam Webster Online.

Pronunciation: 'ha-pE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): hap·pi·er; -est
Etymology: Middle English, from hap
1 : favoured by luck or fortune - a happy coincidence
2 : notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : a happy choice
3 a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment - is the happiest person I know happy childhood> b : expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness happy ending> c : Glad Pleased happy to meet you> d : having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship : Friendlyhappy office>
4 a : characterized by a dazed irresponsible state happy boxer> b : impulsively or obsessively quick to use or do something happy> c : enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession : obsessed happy --

It happened again! At the office Christmas party on Saturday evening. I went solo... well... actually I went with some of the other girls/men who didn't have/want dates. We sat at dinner together. I was having a wonderful time in spite of the fact that I haven't danced in stilletos in some time. I barely sat all night! Lots of men to dance with, and when they didn't want to dance, (hip hop - not big with the over 45 crowd apparently) the girls were doing the dance in the circle thing anyway... I found it difficult to stay off the dance floor. It was clear a good time was had by all!

At one point, I went to our table for a glass of ice water, and one of guys I've known since I started working at this place asked me... " so... Marie, what's the deal? Are you like still technically married or what?" So I am straight and honest... "I am more than technically married, I am plain married"

Then comes the obvious question "and you're here without your spouse because......?

I was straightforward back at him, " Because the spouse is not much fun at these kinds of events, and things are not great in that department. I am working on making significant changes in my life."

Then I hear it again, something I've been hearing a lot, and I am not sure what it means anymore. "well... if you're not *happy* then you're probably doing what's right"

Happy - and from the definition above, I would have to say it's the third point I am assuming people are talking about. Well-being and contentment. In many facets of my life I do have a good sense of well being and contentment, and in just one part- okay albeit fairly major part - not so good.

So is it really all about "happiness?"

It's what my former friend said to me when describing his latest-live-in ... "we're happy." I am sure he is... but it all sounds... so trite and shallow. It's also what he kept saying after his apologies and justifications for his behaviour as he signed off his dozens of emails to me. "I wish you happiness" Even my own sister-in-law, when learning of what was going on with me the last few years asked, "Are you happy?" It seemed like a shallow comment.

My life doesn't come close to being miserable. It could be far more satisfactory in the relationship department but unhappy? no.... I wouldn't say so. I have good health, as do my children. I have a roof over my head and a job that compensates me well. And in spite of the relationship problem, I have many friends who care about me and my well being, and I cherish them for what they give me. This is not a person who is not content or not in a state of well being.

Is it happiness that is the point? I am not *unhappy* because it's about so much more than contentment in living a good life isn't it? Perhaps it's my eastern rite Catholic living where I feel there is much more going on. Or perhaps I am digging too deep? perhaps rationalizing? or denying? HMMMMM.

I am enjoying a good time, a laugh, and a good life. What is at stake for anyone making decisions, is that there are too many factors that affect more than the individual. It has to be about more than being happy doesnt it?

Happy? I am fine! I am content - mostly. I am sure there are many who would argue with me after seeing me in my many states of depression, sadness, and outright bawling my eyes out three-box-tissue-style. But I am not an UN-happy person. Hey I can wear size 6 trousers - and the leather trousers I bought on my 30th birthday( pre babies!) still fit twenty years later, AND I can dance in stilletos all night long!

I am pretty *happy!*

The book writing thing

So... it would seem as much as I blah blah blah to any of my friends who listen to me without rolling their eyes, some have seemed to miss the point of the naked man with the pen in the side bar over there to the right of the blog stuff.

There is this movement... National Novel Writers Month. Write a novel in the month of November, or at least get it started, with the goal or writing 50,000 words by the end of November. That's the hard and fast deadline.

My friend Skupper pointed the site out to me, after listening to me go on and on about "the book," "the murder," "the series."

So... what the hell! I started writing on the old twenty pound laptop and am not sure I will make the 50K by Nov 30, but I am up to over 12K this evening. 12534 if we want accuracy! And I am having a lot of fun creating these characters and finally giving them some life.

On the other hand,this writing by the word has affected my day job. Word count is everything this month. Dickens lives! I am sending my offspring emails, and the blah blah is everywhere. Instead of my usual not-so-concise way, I've been adding words just to pad the damn messages.

Dearest darling offspring, how are you this lovely, gorgeous, sunny day in the city? As you may recall, we have to get you to the dentist for the checkup on your teeth. It's that time of year again. I will pick you up in my not so clean, but pretty red car, at exactly ten thirty o'clock. ...

you know what I am saying? Instead of the usual...

hey kid... don't forget dentist today. I'll get you at school 10:30 love,
yr mom!

I've been trying to write a strategic plan and a policy document - I keep invoking word count as I create thinking "how long is this?" And I remember.... oh yeah,.. it's not a novel. The deadline is the end of the week, and I am dealing with executives who don't have time to read anything more than a page long... double spaced in 14 pt font! The contrast is too much!

It's what my dear friend the published author of four well received murder mysteries calls the SFD- shitty first draft. And yeah... it's pretty bad... if I do say so myself. The editing process is gonna be a killer. And then... actually GIVING it to someone else to read?! I shake my head... not sure when I'll be ready for that step. I think I'd rather have another root canal. And if you read regularly, you know how I feel about THAT!

Killing people off in Fantasyland is great therapy. Figuring out HOW - not so great. It has to seem plausible, and yet... I don't want readers (if I ever have any) to guess the method. I have to befriend some cops... nothing like a good cop with lots of stories who is willing to share. At this stage, I'm not interested in men cops, women cops as friends who want to talk, are probably the better bet.

In the meantime, it would seem - and I am sorry for the men out there whom I do love and who are still my dear friends, but.... I seem to want to kill all the men in my stories, even the outlines for the other four books in the planned series... it's all about lying, no good, childish, self-centred, petulant, insensitive, jackass men! This isn't multiple choice either... It seems to be an all or nothing kind of thing here. Perhaps I DO need to talk to the counsellor about this?

Let me get this worked out of my system, and perhaps my ennuie will be done. Perhaps I will move on... maybe this seems to be cheaper than therapy - even with the health plan- and a whole lot more creative than snipping off the heads in the photos before they go into the scrapbooks.

And perhaps a little money in it too. Just what the world needs, another mystery writer with dreams of celebrity C list stardom running through her head! Watch for it, I am gonna be outta control!

Negativity

One has to ask what it was that turned the spouse and made him into such a negative being. I ask this today, because last night after I arrived home from the second root canal appointment - nothing like a shot of novocaine and adrenaline going straight from the vein to the heart… whoa… talk about a head rush - and at least… no charge – thank you very much- I did attempt to discuss with the spouse some educational facts I learned at work during a presentation from guest lecturers.

Spouse was very surprised that I was not as aware of the information as he thought I *should * be. Ok… history has never been of keen interest to me, but the work I do now and the travels I’ve had in historic Europe are creating some interest in learning more. Now that I don’t have to bother with essays and exams and the such history is a little more interesting.

At one point, as I was speaking, I was rudely interrupted, it happens all the time with the spouse, and I just didn’t think it was very nice. “You interrupted me, I wasn’t finished,” I said. “No I didn’t, I want to make a point,“ he retorts.

“Yeah Dad, you interrupted,” pipes up Tweeny, “you do it a lot actually,” she continues.

I don’t have to say anything, and he looks back at me, and says, “You’re always so negative. I don’t understand why you always have to be so negative!” ok… where did that come from?

Umm this rather stuns me, as I don’t like to believe I am a negative person. My cup is always at least half full - in all walks of my life; at work, my professional life, my personal life and whatever else I have going on, it has never been suggested to me in any way that I am a negative person. And believe me, you, friendly readers, who know me, and have been with me and around me and have kicked me in the pants when I needed it, but never because of my attitude.

I mean really, after being in sales for a few years, negativity is something that gets kicked out the door very quickly. There is no success in being negative, something I learned long ago.

Perhaps it is projection. Because he is feeling so negative about his own life: his status, his lack of friends, no professional recognition, no encouragement or love from his own family, his cynical nature as created an air of negativity around him. And so he attempts to project it on me. In the end I didn’t finish my anecdote about the fascinating things I learned at work yesterday, and he stomped off after I suggested that negativity was not a criticism I would accept.


And why else I would I still be where I am if I didn't think things could change... for the positive?!

Monday Madness

After last year's Christmas gift, half of which was good, the other half was..... completely thoughtless, I thought many of you might enjoy this piece of video from some angry woman somewhere... or did a man dream this up because I am not sure even I could wreak this kind of havoc!

Get ready for the holidays: I have taken my C's advise and told the spousal unit what I would like for Christmas this year, and I've asked spouse to share same with me. I'll take the offspring shopping and this will be their gifts for him. I would hope he'd do the same!

Aside from the Mustang GT, can't decide, silver or red, I really need an MP3 player and a digital camera. The completely manual Pentax analog is starting to make me scream. It takes fab photos, but when I mess up loading the film or getting the lighting wrong, it's bad! Lost two rolls of 36 in Calgary this summer.... don't know how it happens, but I don't often hear of people messing up their digi-cams! Perhaps my inability to measure distance in metric or the other way. I can't tell a yard from a foot from a metre. It's sad. This has an effect on my shots. An SLR digital would be REALLY nice... one of those $1800 Pentax jobs with changeable lenses... but I won't bet the farm on that! If he deigns to buy me a Canon Sure Shot at 5 mgpxls with a telephoto lens I should be content!
That and the usual assortment of scrap-booking paraphernalia should keep me easily happy.

Enjoy!

13 things almost as painful as a toothache!

In no particular painful order.....

1. Sticking a fork in your eye
2. Chewing glass
3. Bamboo under the finger nails
4. Eating liver & onions
5. Sticking your tongue on that frost fence in the winter time.
6. The sound of nails on a chalk board. (Does anyone do this
anymore?)
7. Natural childbirth
8. Scraping ice off car windows at 7:45 in the morning when the wind
is howling and it's only -15 below zero
9. Cleaning up after kids who've been upchucking hotdogs and kraft
dinner.(Oh? you didn't hear about the latest gastro thing?)
10. Stubbing your toe on the bed post in the middle of night as you
try to find your way back to bed after getting up for a glass of water
11.Hurling down the extremely high altitude, extremely steep water
slide at the West Edmonton Mall Water Park and praying your bathing suit
bottom doesn't rip right off your body from the pressure of smacking the
water!.
12. Burning your tongue on scalding hot water because you are afraid
to drink even a stupid low-alcohol beer because of all the extra
strength Advil forpain in your body
13. Two root canals in one week - the freezing not taking and four
needles to finally get numbed up! ( I blame the Advil!)

Hope all my faithful readers are having a pain free week!

OY!

Don't worry ... "the real me" will be back soon!

It's all so wicked!

The spouse was not impressed that I took the Tweeny to Toronto to see a play. Wicked! It WAS Wicked. Went with friends. We are now planning another foray for the late winter, early spring. Phantom returns. Tweeny loooooooves Phantom. The music anyway. She has seen the movie, a pale imitation, but is beside herself with the thought of being back in the big city for another round of theatre. She was sick most of day two so anticipated trip to persuade mother to give it up at Abercrombie & Fitch (AS IF) for the $95 sweat pants, didn't materialize. Can you see me roll my eyes!

Upon arrival home, I see as usual,the kitchen is not tidied up. I have come to low expectations on this front. Rebel has her friend over. She sleeps over again. I have told Rebel that at her age sleep overs are a done deal. Adults go home to sleep. They don't stay over with friends because they are afraid to go home in case they are alone.

I do not know how I insist on this. It is frustrating.

Rebel tells me she had a party while we were away. At the party her dad partied with the kids and "man did he get drunk!" Sigh....

I have left a message for said Rebel on the previous website indicating my displeasure and disgust, frankly with her baviour. I have no idea how that will play out. I would like her to go live elsewhere. Perhaps I will have my wish once the spouse and I agree on terms.

She is a difficult young woman who believes she has a sense of entitlement. Where does that come from? Hard work is anathema. It will be a tough day when she realizes her charm will only get her so far, and that she must accept responsibility for who she is and how she behaves instead of blaming all around her. It reminds me too much of her father, who twists to suit his needs as well. And he continues to indulge her rather than using the tough love approach. I do not understand his way of thinking on this. I do not understand why he continues to allow her to behave as she does towards all of us.

On another note... It's Grey Cup Sunday!

http://www.cflgreycup.ca/winnipeg/

Alouettes and Lions! And I am stuck in Finance Committee meetings all weekend. Televsion in the board room between oversight of the numbers! Bring on the munchies along with the calculators!

And for those going to the big game in Winnipeg... whether for fun or a gig - (-; bundle up!! Nothing like a Grey cup game in Winnipeg weather! GO ALS!

Counselling is hard work!

Spent my hour talking through the conversations I had with the spouse about the renovations and finishing work I had done. Interestingly, my C recommends much the same approaches and techniques used for divorce busting. (I really have to get all the links from my blogs lined up over there in that right hand column!)

Things like changing how I talk to him. Telling him what I need... not what I want. Perhaps my goals and objectives aren't what they were when I was into the DB thing - saving my marriage - but at least being civil and polite would go a long way.

The C also told me that escalating how we talk about the content is just not important, it's all about the tone. Don't escalate the you said, you did stuff. Tell him you don't like his tone. It's been a vicious circle that needs to stop.

The spouse has been so angry that he decided to not sleep in our room. C asked me how I felt about that. Honestly, I don't care. I have the bed to myself and I am quite comfortable. Like Diane Keaton in As Good As It Gets she sleeps in the middle of the bed!

Surprisingly, he's sneaky about it, because I don't think the kids have figured out he's not in our room The reality is, it has not been our room in a long time. He took all his clothes out ages ago. He keeps the drawer stuff, socks, underwear etc, in boxes in the basement, and hangs in shirts and pants on a rack in the laundry room. I asked about that years ago, and he gave some answer about me taking up all the space. Weeelllll he had his own chest of drawers for stuff, and I kept more than half my stuff in the spare room closet. So.. this was an excuse. It's weird.

She also told me to stop taking responsibility for his behaviour when we were out, or when people were over. Those of you who know, know how off putting and unfriendly he can be when you pop in to say hi. It's frighteningly rude some days. Don't take it on she said. I won't talk to HIM like a child either, because my own tone can be just as negative. Why even bother!

So... I'll stop. No more content shit. And I'll watch my own tone. This is helpful when dealing with children - even the rebel teen children! It probably won't change much, but it should keep my stress levels down to near normal if I let it go.

Thirteen things (and a little more) in a Christmas Fruitcake

This makes a 16 pound cake! I have revised the quantities. I expect
no more than a four pound cake! Maybe a little more!

In combing the variations, I chose a combination of Grandma's wedding
cake recipe and mom's 1985 cake which appears to be the classic edition!
Notes from Uncle Don, moms brother - another fruitcake afficionado also
helped!

1. Butter
2. Brown Sugar
3. Flour
4. Eggs
5. Grape jelly ( who knew!)
6. Baking soda and salt
7. Cinnamon, cloves, allspice and nutmeg
8. Sultana raisins, currants and dates
9. Mixed candied citrus peel
10. Candied cherries, red and/or green
11. Nuts - walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts
12. Brandy
13. Lamb's Navy Rum... LOTS of it!

Soak the fruit, soak the finished cake. Infuse with alcohol. Send me
your address if you like, you'll receive a little package a week before
Christmas. I promise.

Next up Mom's secret Nuts & Bolts snack
and
more anti pasto!

Counselling this evening. Shall see what grilling I get over the
spouse's fury on the renos, and the girls' finding of the blog! One hour
won't be near enough!

Christmas Cake & a Birthday.

When I was at the liquor store yesterday buying the usual multiple bottles of pino grigio ( without suphites!) I noticed the Lamb's Dark Navy Rum. It's time to start the Christmas fruit cake!

This year I am going to attempt to make Christmas cake. You know the kind. Fruit cake absolutely drenched in rum. I mean so completely soaked absorbed in rum no one underage should touch it. My mom used to make it every year. She usually started on her birthday. That's today. Mom died four years ago and we haven't had fruit cake in as many years.

Here's the funny thing though. The Christmas after mom died, I checked in her special cookbook, the one she had since she was married. It contains her hand written notes for many of her favourite recipes that became the family favourites. I flipped the delicate pages - many of them going back to the early 1960s, and found Christmas cake! Christmas cake 1975, Christmas cake 1979, Christmas cake 1982, and on and on until the late 1990s! Each year, a variation on an original recipe that was never found! Well... which was was the GOOD ONE!? I was so heart broken because I couldn't figure out from mom's notes which version in which year she liked best!

There was no evaluation to know which cake everyone loved. I couldn't bake the cake that year.

For the next few years I looked in the pages but couldn't cope with the endless variations. Today, in honour of my mom's birthday, I am going to study all the variations and make a small cake. I am not about to mail Christmas cake to my brothers - although perhaps I should to continue that tradition too! I really love a nice boozy slice of Christmas cake with a cup of tea when I read in bed at night. I usually eat cake til well past the Lenten season has begun! It won't be nearly as good as what my mom used to make, but I want to give it a shot.

Every now and again, I wonder what my mom would tell me - what advice she would give me about the frustrations and pain I have had in my marriage. I can bet she would start by telling me, "well that's what you get for NOT marrying a nice Ukrainian Catholic boy! He won't ever understand what you're about!" Can you see the eyes rolling! I dated nothing but... until I left home for grad school. They were no prizes either! But I am also thinking she would understand and help me get through this. I am pretty sure she would take on the spouse if I needed her to. Her grandchildren were always her pride and joy, and I expect that if nothing else it would be that that would be uppermost in any of the decision making.

Tonight I will start the Christmas cake. Dark, heavy, full of candied cherries and dates, and a whole lotta rum!

Happy Birthday Mom.
I love you and I miss you every day!

Call your mom. Get the right recipe!

It's really not the money

It's Halloween. I am late getting home. Tweeny is beside herself because her friends aren't being very nice. She fixes that problem some how after some small amount of hysteria.

I look at the window... no jack-o-latnern.
Me to spoouse - "Where's the jack o lantern I bought at work at the fundraising auction?"
Spouse: "I don't know. You bought the pumpkin, you're in charge."
Me "What? Did I hear you correctly? I bought the pumpkin so I am in charge?"
Spouse" I usually get the pumpkin. You bought it you do what needs to be done."
Me "I just walked in the door, I haven't had supper, and Tweeny has been upset. Is there something that offends you about the pumpkin that you can put it on display?'
Spouse " You bought it, you deal with it"

And he pours himself a drink and disappears into the basement.

The renovations.

Why did you do this? He asks He is furious. I expected that.

The window has been broken since March. The hall has had lightbulbs hnaging from the ceiling since last June. I really didn't think you were interested in finishing the work.

I wanted to replace the entire window. We can't afford a new window.

Well then, wouldn't replacing the glass make sense? The insurance will cover it.

Oh so we pay twice then. And the guy did a shitty job installing it.

At this point Rebel Teen walks in. WOW! Finally we don't look like a trailer trash house any more. Cool. Very neat lights mom! This is what all the new condos in Calgary have. I like this.

I look over at the spousal unit - he says nothing - for minute.

Then he starts in on;

how I don't help him, (when I do - it's not good enough, fast enough or perfect enough)
how I did everything without discussing with him (yes because if I had discussed he would have said no, and I'd still be waiting for anything to happen. He wouldn't do it even though there is no cash involved in most of what needed to get done. )
On money- well, paint fix ups in bathrooms - no cost
Light fixtures - already purchase... MONTHS ago sitting collecting dust on his worktable- and absorbed into cash flow
switches and changes to door bell... less than $100!

I got very angry and unfortunately when I get angry I cry! So... I bit down on my lip, and instead of crying - all I said in a very quiet voice was:

This is not about money. This is about you making choices about what you feel like doing and not what needs to be done! I have tried giving you a list. I have tried asking when, I have tried handing you money. None of it worked. You just don't feel like doing the work and so you don't.

I have decided that that means I have to do it because you don't want to. So perhaps it isn't up to your standards, and that's too bad. You're the only one who will notice.

As for money, let's remember that that the renovations were started and nearly completed with money I inherited from my mother's estate.

And.... as you heard dear spouse, our children have been too embarrassed to have their friends over here because of how things looked. That is telling! If nothing else... THAT alone should have have made him move.

It was the turning of things to make me look as if I didn't want to do anything or help the Master Contractor that I found most frustrating. Why all of a sudden am I not only expected to cook meals, clean the house, take care of the kids stuff hold down a job, deal with the garden and yard and now I am supposed to be right hand apprentice too?

I do NOT think so!

So when he asked if I had other plans, I gave him the list! Verbally - all of it needing to be done and costs time, but not money. He knows where I stand. He also knows I am not bluffing.

l

No Wonder I am so tired!

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well...it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration: Click on the image... I can't see any other way of doing this!

Phriday Philosophy

I know... pretty bad piece of a title...but I've had this sitting around for some time now, and figured it's time to use it.

"Men are like trains.They are going somewhere.Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train. You cannot change a man's direction to yours without losing trust in his capacity to navigate."
--From "Dear Lover," a book by David Deida

OK... so what does mean for someone like me? I've always had to navigate. It seems without my map, we have ended up at a dead end... or worse... I believe he's headed over a cliff.

The Rebel Teen asked me this morning as I drove her to school if her father had a drinking problem. She noticed she said, a whiskey kind of smell around him. She says that her sister the Tweeny also said something to her. Talk about being de-railed!

Losing trust? Whose? His or mine? Hmmmm

I need to address my own procrastination. The train is going and coming to that proverbial fork in the road. I have the road map, just not feeling quite as confident as I must to take the turn. I don't think his choosing the path is a unilateral decision is it? Because where that road goes.... not at all a comfortable ride at all. We're talking milk run rather than express.

The time is near for me to choose. The holidays are nearly upon us, and I did say last Christmas, (go back and read those posts) that I won't have another day like the last. Shall move forward and need the plan in place as the holly jolly time of year comes closer!

And... as I sit here and create... the electrician has installed the hall lighting, both upstairs and down, changed half the switches, put in dimmers, and a new doorbell!

The window is replaced! Wow... clear and clean! We're lookin like first class finally rather than economy! Wait oh wait for the negative - take money on it - reaction of the spousal unit!

Happy Halloween!

I went to a party on the 28th without the spousal unit. He was to go to another party with "the kids" downtown, but I have not wanted to be part of that crowd. When I received the invitation from a friend at work I jumped at it, and mostly had a great time.

Guys from have a new band and they were playing some great music. The only time I felt as a "one" was during the slow songs when I didn't have a partner to dance with. All I could think of was "get used to this... this is life with out a spouse!" sigh. That's the tough part. The rest... was great fun. A dance partner would be good thing.

What's your favourite Halloween groaner?

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos. ( particularly for the wine-y kind of boos!)

Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
To see the boogy man yeah! do a little dance... sing a little song...

13 on Thursday! Dancing like a banshee!

So... ENOUGH with the Yer Cheatin Heart-country western- slit my wrist-I am soooo sad-cut my heart out- kinda songs.

I gave the Tech Blonde a hard time about her online music collection. Here's a few 'happy" kinda songs that make ME feel good. note to self... buy a freakin MP3 player for the car... play these ALL the time... they are fun and worth a listen. Put on the high heels and DANCE!

Ummm T.B.? got any castposts for ANY of these for me to beg from ya?
And why aren't my links linking? I am sooooooo blonde?

http://www.scissorsisters.com
1. Take Your Mama

2. I don't feel like dancing......( yes... you DO! )

http://www.sting.com/
3. Brand New Day

http://www.ledzeppelin.com/site_flash/
4. Whole Lotta Love..... ( I am a TRUE rocker of the 70s!)

http://www.beegeesonline.com/
5.Stayin Alive

http://www.nellyfurtado.com
6. Man Eater
7. Powerless

http://www.amysky.com/index.asp
8. Phenomenal Woman.... every woman's anthem!

http://www.dilanarox.com
9. Mother Mother

http://www.celtae.ca/
10. Killer Cod.... ( it was better when Dana played the fiddle!)

http://www.theb52s.com/
11. Love Shack

http://www.blackeyedpeas.com
12. Pump It!

http://www.eurythmics.com/
13. TIE! Sisters are doing it for themselves.... and I don't know why but..
I need a man!

In the immortal words of Wayne and Garth.... party on dudes!

Back to our regularly scheduled spousal ennuie.... another time! But counselling was good this week.

Getting over it... a Sunday kinda song.

I still like the song... though NOT feelin it nearly as badly these days... Feelin pretty good really. But what a great song.
Enjoy
Thanks to the Tech Blonde .... once again!

It was either this one or the Nick Lachey song.. "I don't hate you any more..."
It's a joke people... laugh with me... really!



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13 reasons to move a blog .... on Thursday

1. Well... it's all wonky and so by moving it and changing name and URL perhaps the wonkiness will go away.
2. What the heck... not a lot of readers, so why not make doubly difficult and change the name of the blog
3. It's become soooo popular Blogger is worried I am going to crash their network, so change the name and see if people can find you for all this riveting stuff. ( can you see me roll my eyes?)
4. The old blog is not representative of who I am any more... so needed to find a new title and URL.
5. The rebel teen found the blog and has been mentionning it at random times... usually when I ask her to do something... kitchen clean up, quiet time, etc - ummm need to move it.
6. Rebel teen told the Tweeny about the site... hmmm this is getting serious- need to move it.
7. Wondering if Spouse now knows... need to move it
8. So much time on my hands may as well spend time moving things around
9. A certain blonde tech needs a challenge... ask her to try and fix the wonkiness
1o. A certain blonde tech needs more of a challenge... what the hell... ask her to move the ENTIRE blog!
11. Moved it so I wouldn't have to delete it
12. Need to keep writing, and need to keep posting...so change the name ... to protect.... well... me!
13. No blog..... no news! And news is what keeps people connected and sending ME emails!

Don't worry full story on points 5-7 coming soon. This is to get you back into reading mode.

13 on Thursday Today's topic....

Why am I Procrastinating? And other thoughts.

1. It's a separation after 23 years of marriage.... it ain't easy! yes but it's been thought about for AT LEAST 2 years now.

2. It's just easier not to think about it. THEN he does something really assinine , thoughtless, without regard, and I think.. "really girl... this is ENOUGH!"

3. The kids... okay.. rebel teen not really a kid and the tweeny... well.. this can't be healthy really. I know this.

4. Christmas is coming.... oh yeah... didn't I say last year... NOT another one like this?!

5. The paperwork. Still working on financials... oy!

6. The house.... It's always the house

7. Better the devil you know.... ( you gotta be kidding!)

8. He might put up a fight... well... he's gonna do that anyway

9. Haven't found a lawyer I like. well... really... does any one really LIKE their lawyer??!

10. What will the neighbours think? who cares... really... half the wives on the block have kicked thier spouses out!

11.

I got nothin. ..... any one? Feel free.

Thanks giving on a beautiful sunny October Long Weekend

I stayed at a friend's last night. She had another friend over who was going though a marital crisis too. Although I guess I am past the crisis mode. We drank a lot of wine and I couldn't drive back into the city.

The comment in yesterday's blog is something my counsellor told me too. I care too much and I try to fix. Dear friend said the same.

Sigh...

She also told me that he who had been my friend was really a diversion keeping me from what I had to do and decide. I suspect that too is accurate.

The rebel daughter returned. She couldn't find a place to live. I should have stayed home yesterday but I needed my time to process the news of male friend. Well... we will have to change how the rebel lives at home. She came, she saw and left and didn't come home last night. I cannot continue living the way it was before she left. And the spouse her father is going to have come on board with me for the time remaining in this relationship of ours.

Clearly many things need fixing here.

Yet... it is Thanksgiving Day I have a healthy family. We are living in the best place in the world. I am told I am a vibrant woman who should have a wonderful life. I am truly thankful for what I have. My "true" friends are indeed "true" yet they are not backing away from telling me the truth and getting me to "buck up!"

Thanks be given to all of you who read, support and are my "true" pals. I love you all.

Silly Sunday - a tale

 King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.  The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice

NOW  

     DONT                  

    CHEAT

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly

13 things I WANT on Thursday!

I saw a counsellor yesterday as advised by my MD.  She told me that I had a couple of things to work on based on what she heard. 

My greatest strength and my greatest weakness is that I am loyal to those who are close to me... friends, partner, colleagues.  It works for me most times, but it has clearly worked against me lately on too many fronts concerning men.

 

She asked me to think about what I want, rather than trying to be nice, and fix things for everyone else and worrying about what anyone else wants.

 

What do I want?  Well... here are 13 things to start with.

 

1.  I want a partner/husband who thinks about me, instead of about himself when it comes time to do anything at home.

2.  I want flowers.  Real ones, lots of them, frequently.  And none of that silk or plastic ( I mean really!) shit either!

3.  I want to go out to restaurants where you get dressed up, where children are frowned upon -  I am tired of going to bars to hear the same old same old celtic music played by children whose parents are my age!

4..  I want to go to foreign movies with my partner not to animated movies and teen crap always with my children.

5.  I want my friends, our neighbours, and my colleagues to be at the very least treated with respected when they are in the presence of the spouse.

6 I want my children to treat their mother with respect and to listen when she speaks.

7.  I want the children's father to support thier mother in decision making and no rude remarks made about mother's decision within ear shot.

8. I want all the renovation projects in the house  finalized before anything new is started.

9. I want my freakin computer fixed.  ( might explain the blogger problem here... or perhaps not)

10.  I want to have dinner parties at least once every couple of months with my contemporaries and not "the kids"  See point 3.

11. I would like to have a savings account that reflects the two income family that we are supposed to be.

12.  I would like the "man of house" to lock the damn doors every night instead of waiting to be asked if it's done.  What's with that?  You're last up, check the security zones man!  

13.  I want a Mustang GT  the 24 valve, big engine job... really... I want the new Shelby.... but the GT will suffice.   I believe I am about to star in my own midlife crisis....

 

She crosses her arms, nods her heads, and says... "yeah!  take THAT! 

 

A Sunday Silly - Fair Trade Chocolate

A new category.  Why not!  Feel free to contribute something if I can't find just the right bit for the day!   There ARE days....

 

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped  the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally  tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat  next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

" The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

13 on Thursday

May as well get into the blog tradition.  Blogs are only what?  a few years old and they have traditions?  or should they be patterns?

 

13 things for the weekend!

 

1. Need to get the financials written down for the expert to review.   

2. Have an appointment scheduled with the therapist.

3. Need to get the summer clothes dry cleaned and moved to the other closet.

4 Transfer the winter clothes to the bedroom closet.

5. Get the letter written to overthrow the parish priest.

6. Plan meals for next week.

7. Call Handyman Hotline to get those other 13+ things fixed.

8 Call the window guy to deal with the window.

9. Laundry

10 Ironing

11 Call the rebel teen ( another story)

12.Call friend about the  scrapbooking day mid October.

13 Relax, watch a movie or two, drink the Viennese wine in the elegant Viennese glass that cost half a paycheque!

 

Teeth & Marriage

I have two bad teeth.  One is soooo bad it's not there any more.  I am wearing a false tooth affectionately known by professional dentists everywhere  by its technical name  -  "flipper."  The other tooth, a middle molar is broken in half.  Everytime I get a temporary filling for it the thing breaks and I lose it.   I've stopped having the filling done as my dentist and I were having a better and more ongoing relationship than the spouse and I.

 

It comes down to the sympathy one receives when one has a pain in the tooth.  Until about four years ago, I was a  dental visit freak!  I was at the door of the dentist's office every six months like clock work!  NOTHING prevented me from going for those regular check ups and cleanings.  Then, with my life in a minor turmoil, mom dying of cancer, job at the time, up in the air, and Round 1 with the spouse it just all became too much.  It was at this time I had to start wearing a flipper because of tooth problems.  I had been spending a lot of time at the dentist's office which reminded me a lot of the hospital where my mom had been sick, which made me sick in turn.  That and a couple of misplaced needles in the mouth  by said dentist, who happens to be a friend, and I decided I had enough!   For awhile!

 

Now bear with me.  .  As often as I went to the dentist the spouse stayed away until he had serious pain requiring prescription pain killers and major work.   As a good spouse I tried being empathetic, offering sympathy, tea and whatever else a spouse might need from the wife to ensure caring in sickness clause.  This particular spouse was more like a lone wolf and preferred to hide in a corner and deal with his pain and suffering by himself.  I, on the other hand, appreciate all the TLC I can get. 

 

This was another one of those hints that things were not going well in the marriage department.  No sympathy or ANYTHING when I was sick or needing said TLC. 

 

 How, you are probably asking, do teeth have anything to do with the main topic of this blog, staying or going and the marriage? 

Well, it's quite simple really.

 

I came home early from work earlier this week with serious-really- bad-worse-than-natural-childbirth pain from this nasty broken molar.  I had been to the dentist before work, got the pain killers and anti-biotics.  By the time the spouse got home I was working on my fourth Tylenol3 which was completely ineffective.  He recommended whiskey.  sigh... yeah that should work well with the drugs.  Did I get sympathy?  Did I get help on how to deal with the pain aside from the alcoholic suggestion?  Did I get any TLC?  

 

Of course not... what I did get from the man who only graces the dental chair under severe pain - was a diatribe on why I should have dealt with this particular problem at the onset when it first started, how I needed to get back into the dentist's chair and what was my problem and blah blah blah...

 

It was about this time, I could feel the abscess starting to drain... a rather disgusting thing ... and it was all I could do to keep from spitting all that yuck and guk into his eye! 

 

Wife Warrior on the Road

I arrived home after a week away to "Oh! You're home already? I thought you weren't coming back until Sunday." This, I have learned from experience, is code for " You're not gonna be happy. The kitchen is a freakin' mess because rather than tidy up every day, I leave things as if I lived in a pig sty." Sure 'nuff.... dirty dishes, beer cans, glasses, newspapers piled up, and the mail not sorted... all over the kitchen. sigh.

This is how he chose to live with Tweeny this week. Why, why, why doesn't he get it?! I had loaded the dishwasher before I left, turned it on, looked them BOTH in the eye and said, make sure you empty this so that it can be loaded up again during the week. ......whatever!

Highlights from my trip? Austrian Air is efficient. 300 people getting meals and drink in ten minues and everyone pretty much getting their choice. In seat entertainment units. Three movies coming home.

The cockpit video cam meant we watched the plane land and take off with the pilot's view. OR we could see the geography below once the plane was low enough. Way cool!

Sleeping overnight on the way to Austria...Window seats work better than aisle seats! Not a lotta luck sleeping in an aisle seat!

My luggage was lost and I spent my first 24 hours in Vienna without clean clothes or liquids, powders or pastes - a tad annoying. But how long can you be annoyed when you're walking in a historic city, soaking up atmosphere, sight seeing, and drinking amazing BEvERages. Suitcase arrived half an hour before the start of meetings!

Sacher torte... the original. Died and gone to heaven. Even brought some home.

Work went well. Meetings productive.

Spouse and Tweeny survived without me. I used to travel a lot so this is not difficult for either of them. I wish though that spouse was more of a disciplinarian when I am gone. It is more than annoying that he lives like a slob when I am gone. It doesn't teach the children a thing. He took her for a hair cut. They made lunches together but THE MESS!

Oh and did he ask me how things went on the trip?

13 on Thursday

With apologies to the Shop Girl for stealing her Thursday list thing... but when a theme works it works. The date refers to when the project was started.

13 unfinished projects

1. Second floor bathroom hole in the wall is patched but not painted. summer 2002
2 Second floor bathroom painting touch ups on walls and ceiling. summer 2002
3. Second floor bathroom trim around the vanity needs to be attached. summer 2002
4 Second floor bathroom electric fixtures need the plates and proper plugs summer 2002
5 Main floor powder room trim around the vanity needs to be finished summer 2002
6 Main floor powder room - exhaust fan needs to be cleaned and re-attached summer 2002
7 Rebel teen room - curtain rods summer 2004
8 Rebel's rooom - doorknob on the door would be nice 2004
10 Tweeney's room trim/moldings at the bottom of the wall 2004
11 Electric fixtures and plates 2004
12 Spare room electric fixtures and switches need repair 2003
13 Second floor fan would be nice to have the fan working with the light rather than one or the other!! March 2006
14 Kitchen - broken window needs to be repaired before the snow starts to fly... March 2006
15. trim and frame around the front door was taken off and needs to be replaced. November 2005
16 The Royal Staircase... trim and paint repair work. summer 2005

Oh did I go OVER thirteen???? sigh.... and these are the ones that are obvious!
I will be out of the house for a week... far far away in another country on business. Blessedly so. Talk to you all upon my return after the 25th.

The Eldest on Adventures

Ah... a break from my ongoing and never challenges of bad marriage to talk more of *she who must run away* from home!

Ah yes... a few weeks of that angst on top of everything else was cause for alcohol... which I figured I needed to avoid because of weight loss and the general feeling of not feeling quite in control. A glass of wine maybe.... but not even full... sigh.

Trying to get information out of *she who had to run away* was painful. Shouting and screaming matches, name calling and more. Her to me. All the while her father, the spousal unit, would never come to my defense would not even once get himself in front of her and tell her to stop with the disrespect. I suspect the amount of alcohol he was drinking dulled his senses and didn't allow for any kind of clear headed thinking.

To that end - I got in his face one evening and told him that his lack of support for the office of motherhood was not impressive. That his tacit nod in allowing the eldest to be rude and disrespectful, was starting to rub off on Tweeny, her sister.

In the end, several of the men who are my friends and family managed to dissuade said Teen from going to work in the rough and tumble world of the meat packing plant. She used a credit card, given to her by the Royal Bank of Canada those carpeting bagging, money grubbing, typical greedy, profit motivated bankers, to buy herself a plane ticket west. Did I mention no job and about $250 in the bank, if that? By the time THAT debt is paid off guaranteed the $300 ticket will have cost double!

And she and her friend, the one who sleeps at home with the lights on when ever mom is out... which would be EVERY night of the week - fly out. Two days later I got a phone call at home. "Mom, I need $600.00!!! Once I am done spewing my wine, I ask why. Turns out the place they were supposed to stay was not interested in having her friend around. She truly has no social graces... no surprise. So I ask about a Plan B. Apparently there isn't one. I tell her I can't give her $600! That she needs to call relatives or friends and figure it out. She says she doesn't know how to ask for help to stay a few days. Well then says I, you're gonna learn aren't you because I can't give you that much money. Talk about the toughest thing I had ever had to do for my child.

But... I did make a few calls in case her pride held her back, and she ended up at my cousin's house. Cuz was heading out on a trip and needed babysitters. I am hoping my child acted responsibly... but who knows. Said Cuz has access to the blog and may fill me in down the road.. Please do.

Cuz in law bought the girls construction boots. I told the eldest... BEFORE she does ANYTHING with her cash... she and the friend MUST pay back the cousin. That was NOT part of the deal at all.

Interestingly, the eldest has been chatting politely to me via phone, email and text messages . Much nicer tone since she left. No kidding eh!

As she left, her father, didn't/couldn't even tell her he loved her. I shake my head.

Okay... what MORE is gonna come at me!

So it's not enough that this marriage thing is a bit of a disaster at the moment. She the rebel child turned adult- and quite immature - has decided it's time to leave home and move a 1000 miles away. Sigh.... Not just move a thousand miles away, but take a friend along, tell half truths about her plans and engage the friend in her stories, and expects her family to be happy about it and bless her little misdaventure.

Her friend's parents think it's a "wonderful adventure." We're talking two girls, both 18, neither finished high school, no jobs going out to Alberta, land of milk and honey, vacancy rate of less than 1% and your average 14oo sq ft bungalow running to over 450,000 on a slow day! LOTS of jobs for unskilled labour... of which she is one. And what job does she pick? The one owned by Tyson - a huge meat packing plant - in a town an hour outside the city.

The spousal unit - her father - seems to be running on Denial. Not a lot has happend on this front. It's seriously depressing.

Using my super research skills I managed to get a whole lot of information out of the company including the fact that no.... rebel girl does NOT have job, nooooo they do not "give away" rent money... and yes indeed she will have to pay it aaaaaallll back. oh and rents start not at $850 all inclusive, but over 1K!! nothing inclusive because... we can!

It's soooo bad at this plant that two people I know... one family, the other friend, both men, have said... that's no effing place for a girl that young, I'll hire her to build houses on my sites, and the other said, I know two guys who will teach her how to drive rock trucks... don't go to the meat packing plant.

And as I pass this all along to the spouse, because said rebel daughter believes I expect her to be a failure in life, his pathetic attempts to talk sense to the girl... have not gone well. As he sat on the couch with his scotch in hand... as she swore at me..

That and a few tense days at the office where my manager has figured out that one of my key suppliers has been systematically over charging me. Great... it would appear that NOTHING is working the way it is supposed to.
And the one close friend who kept me from going completely mad is soooooo wrapped up in his materialistic possessions - he can't see beyond the bike and the boots - is not available for hugs talks and email conversations..... gawd I miss him....

It's in the cards....

When we were at our family reunion, my uncle hired a psychic... a tarot card reader. She was awesome... she had a gentle way about her that was not what I had ever expected someone like that to be. I was quite taken with her. We only had about ten minutes a piece with her, but she struck a chord with me. I wanted to hear more. Tonight was that night.

We spent some time discussing the rebellious teen. That's a whole other blog that one.
We moved on to the spouse... ah the spouse.... The interesting thing with this reading was that it confirmed for me what I had already known and what I had already decided, but needed that other force, or "objective" person to tell me. So with Saturn in the 10th house and Mars shadowing Venus, it would appear that the spouse is afraid, he deals with emotions he can't handle through arrogance and pride, and would rather fall on the sword than seek help.

She said we would be friends. And ya know... as much as this man makes a terrible husband, I suspect that being his friend would be okay. I mean we've got these kids, and he's never gonna be out of my life nor I out of his, so friends ..... has to work.

She told me I would never be alone... that's huge. She told me that the spouse is seriously afraid of being alone, even though when he talks, he claims that being alone is all he wants. hmmm

( I do have another friend who told me my future holds a Mustang GT and a 35 yr old hot guy) now that's psychic!

She also told me that the friend who is now not speaking with me... the friendship that blew up in my face, will come around. That his problem was that he has a serious crush on me and couldn't handle it. perhaps... perhaps not... thought she said the cupid cards were everywhere... ... whatever I'll start with speaking civilly to each other.

Okay... the cards are the cards, shuffle another way and who knows what they would have said. In spite of my own faith, I'll take any kind of positive look right now. It wasn't all roses, she mentioned conflict... no surprise...

How does this stuff work? Where does this kind of intuitiveness come from? I'll take it for now. Any port in a storm ya know?

23 and counting... for a bit more...

Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. The spouse arrived home from his trip to visit the old folks and was pretty much his usual uncommunicative self with the exception that he had his brother in tow and had to do the usual self aggrandizement thing... so no celebration ( as if) not even an acknowledgement... no surprise... and this is what it has come to.

I think back to our wedding day oh so long ago when he promised "to love her forever" and see the man he's become... and wonder where and how it went wrong. I looked at our wedding pictures and saw how happy we were and how much promise we had.. and what we wanted from our lives... and this is what it has come to.

We did have good times, and many of my friends ask me "what was he like? why were you attracted to him? You're so not like him at all... " I too ask myself the same thing. We used to have a lot of fun together... going to movies, eating out, taking in theatre and having fun with the kids. But he stopped being involved. He wouldn't participate.

He came home this afternoon with a new bottle of scotch and 12 imported beers... brother in law had two beers, the spouse managed to down two beers that I saw plus 1/3 of the scotch is gone. I don't know what he's thinking or why he is believing his life sucks. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. A couple of kids who love him in spite of his morosely negative behaviour, a wife who worked her mind and ass off trying to keep it together, a roof over his head that he doesn't have any pride in, as well his health and a job... what more is there to life that really matters? Clearly for him... something. Too bad... really... too bad. It's his loss and his challenge. I have already made the decision not to shoulder it any longer.. It's an anniversary all right... not so happy.

It's not a new year any more

My my... it HAS been some time since I've posted ANYTHING. And how my attitude has changed. Re-reading the last couple of posts I seem to be coming to a change of direction. A new road.

While the idea and concept of "staying married for the kids" is honourable and selfless I don't believe I can do this much longer. Things that happened in the last 8 months have demonstrated to me that I can't stay married to this man and still lead the full life I need and want.

While it all went awry and certain people and events were turned inside out, the end result still proved to me, that this man, the one I've been in a relationship with for twenty three years is pretty much over. We've had months of barely talking to each other, a complete lack of interest in anything I do, and pretty much no respect for who I am as a wife, a mother, a professional, not even a scintilla of a friendship. It's done.

So perhaps this will now be the reporting of how I'm doing as I make my way through that process. I still believe I have to the warrior because I expect a battle. Perhaps he'll surprise me and suggest we do things amicably, but I have my doubts.

So... what else has been going on? The house - of course not nearly done. The "royal staircase" dubbed because he has spent more effort building, staining and playing with the stairs than he has doing anything else. Consequently, the kitchen window that faces the street that broke in March - still broken- the trim work in the bedrooms still not finished... for three years, the bathrooms... well... going on 4! sigh... I finally called our friend who is in the window business and told him to get over here. That will come out of the line of credit.